Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to feel a "no-kids" wedding is just "for show"

112 replies

stripes02 · 28/09/2010 10:08

We've been invited to a friend's wedding, but the invite states, in very diplomatic terms, no small children. Fair enough I suppose, but AIBU to feel that the occasion is therefore all about "the wedding" (ie the dress/flowers/speeches/cake etc) rather than "the marriage" (ie family/life long commitment).
I've now come to resent the whole thing, and have decided would rather not go, prefering the company of my 4 month old DD (who has been very well behaved at 2 weddings so far..)
(In the interest of fairness I should probably state I am not married and never intend to be, most have ever catered for was 20 people and that was stress enough!)

OP posts:

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 28/09/2010 12:33

Sorry Sparkle I was referring to the OP.

Morloth · 28/09/2010 12:33

My point MsSparkle was that the reason people often do not want children at their weddings is because some parents can't seem to grasp that someone else's wedding is not about them/their kids.

We had kids at our wedding, it was a very casual affair and all the people we know who had/have kids are considerate parents.

You can thank all the inconsiderate arsehole parents for the trend of kid free weddings IMO. Much easier for the couple to simply say no kids than risk getting child worshippers along with the normal parents.

MissDolittle · 28/09/2010 12:40

YABU. The wedding is about the wedding, not about showing off babies who aren't even related to the bride and groom. You are obviously not that close if you prefer the company of a baby to their wedding so why on earth would you think you are close enough to be able to take extra relations with you.

Its totally irrelevent if your 4 month old has been 'well behaved' at previous wedding. Its chance, not fantastic parenting. If they decide to invite all friends dcs as well as dcs they are related to they could end up with 30 dcs all under 10, most of whom require a seat and an expensive meal at the venue, many of whom will not be 'well behaved' during the vows. Neither a wedding or a marriage is about hosting an expensive childrens party against your will. Why can't adults who are also parents still have friends in thier own right without their having to be friends with small children too? As far as family are concerned, we are a 5 but my friends still manage to view me as an individual.

proudnglad · 28/09/2010 12:48

Unreasonable.

We had no kids at our wedding except our own who stayed for couple of hours and went home with a relative (they were babies).

Didn't do it 'for show' but because we wanted all our guests at our winter, evening wedding to have a proper big knees up without their children for a change.

Everyone had a fantastic time. No-one grumbled or said 'My gosh you are just putting on a show, why are my children not integral to your 'marriage'??? This is an outrage'.

giveitago · 28/09/2010 12:49

Might be for show - might be because lots venues charge per person reglardless how old they are or what they will eat or not.

I didn't go to a good friend's wedding because of 'no kids'. Not offended though. They are in their 40 and all their friends have kids and they just couldn't afford the reception with 30-50% extra.

MissDolittle · 28/09/2010 12:50

Totally agree with Orm, I don't expect my friends to invite my children to their parties any more than I expect to be invited to my children's friends parties. Not because my children are scummy and shouldn't be out in public, but because sometimes its nice to see your friends without having to take along another person who changes the dynamic.

Do people really think that from the moment you have your pfb, you should never go to a social occasion again unless its en masse. Should I be offended that my mother didn't take me along to her friends swish 60th bday party last week?

MsSparkle · 28/09/2010 12:52

Morloth, i can see where your coming from and i agree that parents should take responsibilty for their kids at wedding and take them outside if said children make noise at ceremony.

I just hate this notion these days in regards to a wedding where children can't be part of the celebration. I would understand a bride and groom saying they didn't want all the guests to bring their kids but, like my sister, to not invite the kids of your immediate family is just wrong.

LilyBolero · 28/09/2010 12:53

I can understand no kids if it is a cost issue, but most of my friends have been utterly accommodating of our lot. The only no kids wedding I've been to, I DID take ds1 (he had a special invite, lol!) - he was only 6 weeks and had I not taken him I wouldn't have been able to go.

Ds3 is 4 months, and I wouldn't be able to leave him for a whole day, he is b/fed, won't take a bottle, and is very quiet - he wouldn't scream and if he did I would take him out. He certainly wouldn't cost anything (doesn't eat food yet), and wouldn't be running around. So I think banning a 4 month old would be a bit precious tbh.

gingerkirsty · 28/09/2010 12:55

Stripes you did not mention BF in your OP so that is not actually your reason for being annoyed, is it?

That said, if you go without your baby you would need to sneak off and pump at intervals wouldn't you? I'd discuss it like a grown up with your friend, without letting her know how annoyed you are (which you have no right to be!). She may either tell you to bring your baby, or make sure there is somewhere you can go and express.

Morloth · 28/09/2010 13:02

Depends on the immediate family. If I knew my neices and nephews were going to go feral and that their parents would look on indulgently then I wouldn't invite them either.

I have had to decline an invite because of no kids. We were not able to arrange a sitter so DH went alone. I didn't take it as a slight, because it wasn't about me or DS.

DillyDora · 28/09/2010 13:10

Got to weigh in here - we said no kids for the ceremony (so we could actually hear ourselves say our vows) but bring 'em for the party if you like. I've been to plenty of weddings where toddlers (not teenies, I admit) meant that no one could hear the service/vows which is a real shame. I actually knew that some children would be lovely, and some would be noisy in the ceremony but could hardly tell their parents that so we just had a 'no one under 7 at the ceremony' rule and most people were fine with that (or too polite to say?!)

Don't go if it makes you so uncomfortable op, it's their wedding, they're allowed to go a bit menty and have funny rules that you don't agree with, it's just one day, it may not be what you want for yourself but that's your choice and you expect others to respect it so do them the same courtesy. (Jaysus, I sound like my mother - sorry)

FiveOrangePips · 28/09/2010 13:12

I had an almost child free wedding - it was a small wedding and I didn't have children at the time so I didn't understand that they would add, not detract from the day. I did invite two children though because I knew that getting childcare/babysitter would be an issue and that they were coming a long way.

I have to admit it was a selfish act, but it did make it a very good weekend (most people came for the weekend, our wedding was on a Friday). Everyone who could come got to have fun and I know children would not have ruined my wedding but I did want to have an easy and small wedding - dh has 8 siblings, so it would have been an extra twenty children possibly, on his side and then all the children on my side.

I would tell your friend why you cannot come, just be honest.

wukter · 28/09/2010 13:21

YABU, of course.
Politely decline if it doesn't suit you. It's an invitation, not a summons.

Original poster

stripes02 · 28/09/2010 13:24

I'm not going to go, which is fine, DP can have fun without me (it's his friend). Like people say, it's their wedding they can do what they like!
I was more trying to make a more general point I think about weddings vs marriage...

OP posts:

prettywhiteguitar · 28/09/2010 13:25

I think it is far more precious to insist that no child comes within 3 feet of your precious ceremony, in case....oh lord they might make a whimper !!

Good god there seems to be no family sensibility in what should be a family occasion...and yes i DO see my child as part of the family

ffs what a lot of selfish people

TrillianAstra · 28/09/2010 13:26

Wedding vs marriage could be an interesting discussion.

But child-free-ness is not a reason to suppose that it is about the wedding rather than the marriage.

All it does it bring out everyone saying 'well we did this, for these reasons', which gets dull after a while.

PosieParker · 28/09/2010 13:26

Some people relish the idea of no children, some don't. Before mine I wouldn't have even considered children at the wedding! Adn even now I think cost of what all six of us will wear!!

expatinscotland · 28/09/2010 13:28

Before I had children myself, I didn't really like children. I made the effort for my nieces (now they are teens, I bloody love them!) because they're my sisters. But no way would I have wanted them around at my wedding (but I never had a wedding, I eloped).

cupcakesandbunting · 28/09/2010 13:30

YABU, for a multitude of reasons.

And even as a mother who adores her DS, I have a problem with parents who simply refuse to be parted from their wunderkind for a wedding. It's one day. Get a grip. Enjoy yourself. Stop insisting that your children are included in simply everything.

proudnglad · 28/09/2010 13:32

Prettywhiteguitar - Okaaay it is not because I am an evil, selfish child hater that I had no kids.

It was because we wanted our friends (who all had babies and toddlers at the time) could let their hair down and they were delighted.

It was an evening wedding in central London from 6pm til 3am!

And ha ha ha ha ha to 'I DO see my child as part of the family'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Myleetlepony · 28/09/2010 13:32

For some people getting married is not about planning to become a family, or much to do with children at all. They want to show a committment to each other. They may not even be able to have children, or they may not want them. So I think it's understandable if some people don't want toddlers nattering through their ceremony, babies crying... or to have kids playing chase around the dancers at the reception.
So it's up to them, if you don't want to go then don't, but I don't think you have any right to be annoyed about it,

expatinscotland · 28/09/2010 13:33

And yes, I've been to quite a few childfree weddings where the couple did not ever want children.

LookToWindward · 28/09/2010 14:05

I had a no children wedding because I don't like kids.

I can barely tolerate my own, let alone some one else's.

SeaTrek · 28/09/2010 14:10

YABU

It is totally up to them who they invite. Of couse, it is totally up to you whether you want to go or not.

I have been married twice - first was a standard wedding and it didn't even occur to me not to invite children. The second was an evening wedding (5pm) with a tiny number of guests (21 - the max number that could fit around the large table in the private dining room we had booked). I invited a 14 yr old but the other children were all toddlers and I didn't invite those. It just wasn't an appropriate time or venue for them and it would have meant that I would have had to invite less of my very closest friends.

Children were a joy to host at my first wedding, they really were and I wouldn't have had it any other way. However, at another friend's wedding someones child SCREAMED throughout a lot of the service and were not removed from the church. I was appalled.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/09/2010 14:28

Weddings are not necessarily about 'family'. That;s like saying marriage is all about free sex for men. It might all have been true centuries back, but these days a wedding is either a public celebration of a couple's love for one another, or it's a legal formality that's got to be done and dusted to regulate someone's immigration status or something.
Not everyone's got a family, and some people's families are so horrible they don't want to have any contact with them.
So the tone, style, cost and number of guests at a wedding are up to The couple getting married and no one else. IF you don't like it, don't go.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread