to feel a "no-kids" wedding is just "for show"

[stripes02]

We've been invited to a friend's wedding, but the invite states, in very diplomatic terms, no small children. Fair enough I suppose, but AIBU to feel that the occasion is therefore all about "the wedding" (ie the dress/flowers/speeches/cake etc) rather than "the marriage" (ie family/life long commitment).
I've now come to resent the whole thing, and have decided would rather not go, prefering the company of my 4 month old DD (who has been very well behaved at 2 weddings so far..)
(In the interest of fairness I should probably state I am not married and never intend to be, most have ever catered for was 20 people and that was stress enough!)

When my pal F got married they had their dog at the wedding. She's their child. They don't want human children.

Expat - did she invite other people's dogs? If no then that's just rude

She did, Trillian. I don't like dogs, but I was soon too drunk to care :o.

10 years on, they still have the dog.

No human children, though :o.

I really don't understand why them not wanting other people's children at their wedding means they don't care about family?

I'm sure they care about their own family. As Trillian says, your children are not in their family.

If you would really rather miss your friends' wedding than spend 1 day apart from your DD then you're probably not that good friends with them and shouldn't go.

(Except if you are breastfeeding).

How heartwarming to see you think my wedding was for show. I requested no kids, one relative ignored it and presented me with a fait accompli and it's not something I'll forgive.

We requested no kids for a very specific reason - we were in the middle of the hell of fertility problems (there's nowt quite like a trip through rush hour traffic with a lukewarm dying pot of jizz in yer hands on the way for sperm counting to take the joy out of repropduction), later it developed into the hell of repeated miscarriages... we wanted a day where we weren't going to be dodging the constant "awwww so when are you going to have your own" questions, where people weren't going to be pushing me to hold their babies, and, being frank - a day where I didn't have to spend it sneaking off to the bogs for a quick cry over the whole damn mess. You know this "you can't understand if you're not a parent dealie" - allow me the same in reverse right now - you can't understand if you're not faced with involuntary childnessess for whatever reason.

Both of us wanted a day free from pain and the reminders that are constant among society of how our state of affairs is - so we requested no children.

Glad that made our wedding just for show by the way. We didn't have bridesmaids, we didn't have a massive big do, I'd categorically banned pastels and sugared almonds - the whole thing was about as relaxed and laid back as it could have been (apart from that one really really unpleasant relative who decided to back me into a corner and made one very unpleasant memory of the day). People who know me know I'm about as un bridezilla as they come (I'd have had the ceremony followed by fish and chips on the pier if I could have got away with it) - it was the one request I made - and my friends and relatives knew WHY the request had been made.

Always love the "weddings are about family" thing. Weddings are about a couple getting married - and who they choose to be part of that day is up to them. My family aren't close - but we have a very very very close network of friends whom are our real family, we might not share chromosomes with them - but they share the place in our hearts. I've not seen my father for about 20 years since the wanker couldn't keep it in his pants... but my father of the bride speech was made by my two "honorary" fathers who basically tag-teamed me in public humiliation and relaying all my teenage misdeeds to the world. Family's what you make of it - not some doddery great aunt who you barely know.

expatinscotland - I did joke that if I was to be given away by my true owner (I refused to be given away in the end - my mum raised me to be too much of a stroppy independent woman) then we'd have to work one slightly wonky moggy into the proceedings - couldn't quite manage that one!

We had a no kids except babes-in-arms wedding. The nuptual mass (which to us was the most important part of the day) lasted 1.5 hours, and we didn't expect a lot of the grown-ups to sit still throughout, let alone kids plus a lot of our friends with children were in the choir so couldn't have their kids on their knees anyway.

Once they'd sorted childcare for the service, all the parents (with one exception, being a mum who was BFing and we'd said bring the baby anyway) said they were happy with the idea of having a child-free rest of the day so we were happy to go with that as well - meant we had more space to invite child-free grown up friends where otherwise seats would have been occupied by under-7s. The kids were all invited to the pub lunch we had the next day, where there was space to run around and make noise and the parents didn't have to worry about their expensive clothes getting grubby - seemed to work well for everyone :)

empty their dog was the ringbearer!

she had a little pillow with the rings tied on it round her neck and she's a pug so it looked really cute.

well, i thought it was.

it was a terrific evening for a terrific couple who are still happily married and loving life.

My daughters vows were drowned out by a crying toddler. His granny decided to 'shock' him out of crying by making him jump (yes, she is loony) at which his screams trebled.
So if people haven't the sense to take them outside it is a pity.
Actually it is mad granny who should have been excluded.

Child friendly or child free - dont really care, but I do have a couple of things from the OP:

to feel a "no-kids" wedding is just "for show"....... and why the hell not? If it isn't about 'the show' then we'd all just go to the nearest Registry office and do it in our lunch hour. I loved DH enough to want to marry him, but if it was just about marrying him then I wouldnt have bothered with a wedding. As it was I wanted to have a day with my family and friends who were happy for us, where we could all have a party, feel good, smile a lot and celebrate.

"AIBU to feel that the occasion is therefore all about "the wedding" (ie the dress/flowers/speeches/cake etc) rather than "the marriage" (ie family/life long commitment) .................. Yep, it really is all about the wedding (my dress was lovely and made me feel special / I carried my fave flowers and DH got the hint so I get them on special occasions now / BM speeches were personal and hilarious / Cake was bloody lovely and eaten as desert). We saved up and paid out so we could have a lovely day that we looked back on with warmth and misty eyed grins in our dotage, if it was only about the marriage we wouldnt have bothered with all that - what's the cost of a licence these days?

and finally (a bit tongue in cheek)
"rather than "the marriage" (ie family/life long commitment) .......... I find it quite sad that you dont consider your DP and DD your family and aren't committed to them (you aren't married and have no intention to etc)..... Or are you contradicting yourself there?

I agree with Morloth and LtEveDallas about the reasons why many people may not want children at their wedding. Whether you agree with it or not, weddings are always going to be about "show" to some extent - and the focus should be on the couple. While some people can be trusted to keep that in mind, many parents, particularly very new parents, are going to finish up stealing the show with their cute newborn. It's like people announing their engagement during the speeches of someone else's wedding. Or when I nearly hit the roof when my OH let slip I was pregnant at someone else's Christening do. There aren't that many occasions in your life when you get to unashamedly wallow in everyone's attention - why begrudge people their moment of wallowing?
I have to say, OP, that your reaction in "resenting" their wedding and speculating about their motivation kind of suggests to me that you might not be someone who does begrudge the attention a little.

I'm getting married next year and no children will be invited apart from my neice and nephew. Oh, and I guess my own as it will be born by then. It's a civil ceremony and we're limited to 50 places which we'd prefer to be filled by adults because they're more interesting than children to talk to, dance with, share a laugh with and get pissed with.

When my friends got married I didn't take my small dcs to friends weddings - left a two year old and a four month old with the Grandparents and had a wonderful weekend away/ I would not have wanted to look after a small child at a wedding venue.

I had no children at my wedding - didn't state as much, but there were none in either famiily and onlyl a couple of friends had them and thye left them with grandparents.

I think YABU, because you@re damned if you do, and damned if you don't with these things. I had children at my own wedding and they are invited to a party we'll be having soon for a special birthday, and on both occasions people have said they'd rather take the opportunity to leave the kids at home!

Leaving me as the only person with no babysitter

*niece

When I got married it didn't occur to us to not invite kids, but there were only a couple in the family anyway.

If we'd got married when older I think there's a chance we might've gone child-free. For one, we had infertility probs, and even if it's selfish not to invite children, I might've wanted to be selfish on one day. Plus since then I have heard children scream through many ceremonies.

Recently a friend got married and we were invited but not DS - he was only two months old at the time and I'm breastfeeding. I didn't mind as I think it's up to the bride and the groom how they want their day, but it was a bit odd when we got to the venue and there were a few children/babies there anyway. One did cry through the ceremony and I did wonder why the mum didn't take her out, as it was really loud. Tbh, I probably wouldn't have taken DS anyway (afraid of the screaming situation) and we were able to leave him with MIL with expressed milk, but I do think if you invite someone with a young baby, without the child in question, you can't be offended if they can't make it.

There were no children at our wedding. We were young, straight out of university and none of our friends had children. SIL came on her own as her two stayed at home with their dad.

People still talk in admiration about how awesome our wedding was - no speeches, no cake, no loitering about for ages. Just a great party which celebrated our marriage exactly how we wanted. Our wedding certainly wasn't about show - DH wore jeans and I wore a dress from Etam , but it was about a day being special for us.

I am so looking forward to a friends wedding next year, no children except family children and DS who is page boy and then a friend is whisking him away so we can have a child free party, the joy of not having to leap up very 5 minutes to make sure thay haven't got into trouble, need taking to the loo etc, is unimaginable.

Can a person not have both a wedding and a marriage? Can they not commit wholeheartedly to the one they want to spend the rest of their life with. very much with their mind focused on the marriage element and want the ceremony side of it too? Is it really so horrific to think that they might want to remember their wedding as meaningful and the ceremony to be solemn, without darling little Tarquin becoming memorable for running up the aisle or precious princess jabbering over the registrar's words.

YOUR world may revolve around your children. That doesn't mean that others necessarily share your outlook.

surely anything beyond a 10 minutes in a registry office with strangers as witnesses is just 'for show'. Come to that so is wearing anything other than sackcloth at any time ever.

I had no kids other family ones at my first wedding due to no restrictions and i dont mind at all if other people do the same.
We have been invited to one next yr when our baby will be about 4 months and i am going to see how i feel, may just go for the day or back for a bit at night or may just get family to help and have a bloody good night with dh in my control pants of course (5th baby)
I had no people at all to my last wedding it was great :o

At our wedding we said Children are welcome please let us know 4 came 2 of them were bridesmaids..

So I think most would not agree with you op

YABU. No, you absolutely cannot judge what people's marriage based on whether they invited children or not.

We had children at our wedding, but there are plenty of very good reasons why people may have chosen not to invite them.

We said no children - it just wasn't appropriate, as it was an evening party beside a lake. After all, if you were having an evening party you wouldn't expect kids there, would you? Most people (us included) were delighted to have an excuse for a kid-free night out!

Our own dcs came just for the service, then went to the childminder.

One of my best friends had a 4-week-old baby and very politely asked if she could bring him, and I did make an exception, as I knew that a tiny one wouldn't get in the way (it was more the marauding toddlers that I wanted to avoid). She of course made sure that he was taken outside at the merest squeak.

YABU.

Just to got off on a tangent, does anybody else find that if they go to a wedding where children are invited, but choose not to take their own, they end up on a table with other people's children? I hate it when that happens.

I think probably the worst occasion was when the parents got all passive aggressive with each other over what the child ate and then left just as the evening was getting going because the child had to go to bed.