to feel a "no-kids" wedding is just "for show"

[stripes02]

We've been invited to a friend's wedding, but the invite states, in very diplomatic terms, no small children. Fair enough I suppose, but AIBU to feel that the occasion is therefore all about "the wedding" (ie the dress/flowers/speeches/cake etc) rather than "the marriage" (ie family/life long commitment).
I've now come to resent the whole thing, and have decided would rather not go, prefering the company of my 4 month old DD (who has been very well behaved at 2 weddings so far..)
(In the interest of fairness I should probably state I am not married and never intend to be, most have ever catered for was 20 people and that was stress enough!)

Best "wedding" I've been to was a pagan affair in a field near Glastonbury - bride & groom had done the official bit in a registry office a couple of days before with only two people present, but said they wanted to celebrate with all their friends and family.

Highlight was everyone holding hands in a circle and singing while they exchanged rings (wooden handcarved rings of course). Oddly enough I didn't feel at all self conscious about this and everyone - over a hundred people - joined in, including all the kids. This was the only bit of the ceremony the kids were expected to take part in, and they joined in without ant trouble at all.

For the rest of the day they were free to run in and out of the circle and take part as much or as little as they wanted, and it was surprising how much they joined in.

You are being totally unreasonable and a complete judgey-pants, but at the same time you are unfortunately not unusual.

The main stress I had when I was planning my wedding came from people like you who think they have a right to say how things "should" be and then get all judgemental when the couple want to go a different way. I even got this from close friends and I'm still a bit angry about it (yes I know I should let it go). One very close friend of mine whinged that I was not allowing plus-ones at my wedding. Bear in mind that this friend knew just about everyone else that was going, and so would not be on his own, and that if we had allowed everyone to bring someone else it would have, logically, doubled our numbers and therefore doubled our budget. I couldn't believe how childish he was, and he claimed I was being mean! I said as soon as he pulled an extra couple of grand out of his arse he could tell me what to do!

Your child isn't part of this couple's family and isn't a friend of theirs so why should he be invited? Children the couple actually know should be invited. That said, I wasn't invited to my godmother's wedding when I was 16 because of money issues and I totally understood. She had a lot of people who were closer to her that she wanted to invite and that was ok with me.

Glad this thread is still going, I met up with some very very old friends this weekend from school, a group of us girls who have known each other for ever, she asked us all if we would mind if we were invited us to her wedding next summer without partners as if we (8 of us) came with partners and children it would increase cost by about £300 and she would have to not invite some other friends. I did not find this unreasonable at all! Would much rather she had people she knew really well who were great friends at her wedding than the 8 of us plus partners she has met and likes but has no history with and all our children.

Does this make me a heartless bitch for not insisting that my partner and children are my family, part of my unit, and therefore should be able to come?

I had a no-child wedding for several reasons, the main one being I...er...didn't want a load of kids there racing around the place. The kids would have been bored shitless and I wasn't prepared to fork out for stuff to keep them occupied. Naturally, my breast-feeding pal was urged to bring her little one who was only a month or so old because a. I love my pal and couldn't get married without her there b. The kid brought its own lunch.

My choice was nothing whatsoever to do with everything being 'pretty'....it was because I wanted my friends-who-have-kids to be able to have a few drinks and behave disgracefully and irresponsibly as they used to in days of yore. Which they did. DH and I tactfully withdrew at 11 - that bunch of dirty stop outs were still going at 4 a.m.

If i had invited all my friends DC's there would have been 60 adults and 64 children. Our venue only allowed for 66 for the daytime and i wanted to share that with my friends. Yes, that may be heartless but was our only option to say no children. We did have nieces and nephews, one tiny BF baby and my cousin's DD (who lived in NZ and her family, who could be the only real babysitters who knew her DD, were at the wedding)

I refuse to feel guilty for it and love it now when DH and i go to childfree weddings as we get to enjoy each others company, dance and spend a lovely (rare) night away together

I would only be pissed off if a) was nursing a small baby or b) was a siblings wedding

I don´t like the idea of a wedding without kids. But then it isn´t my wedding, or yours.

Personally, for me, a wedding is about family. It is about bringing everyone together to celebrate and see a couple make a promise to support each other, which reminds all the guests of their own promises and vows, reafirming them. I love the fact that in a wedding the whole family gets together to eat, drink and be merry, and Great Aunt Ida dances on the same floor as little cousin Ollie. This so rarely happens at any other time. These days the generations are living such separate lives that the young don´t respect the old, and the old fear the young.

The problem is that these days most people have lost sight of the real value and reason for marrying. It is all about show, and me me me. It isn´t about family anymore. It´s about having the perfect dress, the right flowers and spending a mint. The real fun has been taken out of it. That is why kids get bored and tiresome. People need to lighten up. After all, what does it matter if there is a hitch during the wedding. It´s the marriage that counts.

So a bride and grooms special day is just for "show" becasue they don't want other peoples screaming kids there?

It's about two people making a commitment to each other, it's not about your baby and your breastfeeding. Just don't go if you feel that way.

Haven't read the whole thread but we had a "no children" wedding. Other than mine and our God children.

Simply because if we added all the children of guests we got to 75 and the venue only seated 110

So whet we have drawn the line with which children could come?

And which good friend got dropped in favourite of a screaming child w have only met twice?

This seemed much fairer and EVERY couple who left a child at home loved it as they had a weekend away, child free.

So, no. Not for show in our case

Good post salizchap.

The couple can invite whoever they like. It is not up to the guests to decide.

If they invite children, they really have to provide entertainment specifically for them, as very few children nowadays will sit through a 2 hour dinner with speeches, let alone the rest of the day. And worse, precious parents try to make their children the centre of attention rather than the happy couple.

If there are no children the family (eg nieces and nephews), then it is understandable that they don't go this extra mile. Even with their own relatives, there is the rest of the family to take turns with them, which is not the case with just friends.