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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that it's the people with the most help with their kids seem to be the ones who struggle the most with them

151 replies

peterpiperpicked · 24/09/2010 21:30

Ok,

Firstly, yes, you're all going to flame me. Yes, round of applause to me for managing two kids on my own with absolutely no family help or childcare, blah de blah de blah.

But, I'm just wondering if anyone else has noticed that the people who seem to really struggle with bringing up small children (I mean babies and pre-schoolers) and moan about it loads and just give off a general air of not coping without tons of help are the people who have people to help them all the time?

I know loads of people with their Mum plus extended family round the corner to help out all the time and they are the self-same people who would also have a nervous breakdown at the thought of popping along to Sainsburys with a couple of kids in tow.

Then there are the rest of us who just get on with it and know that it's really not so bad and you don't need your hand holding through all of it.

So, yes flame away, I have namechanged for the occsaion. Even drop in a few platitudes about how I sound charming and it takes a village to raise a child. But seriously, aren't some people a bit crap to not be able to bring their own children up?

OP posts:
JaneS · 25/09/2010 11:13

Grin Thanks! Actually, I saw you'd quoted me when I checked my 'threads I'm On' but couldn't read further and was sure you'd be taking issue about crying in the workplace - glad you weren't!

sarah293 · 25/09/2010 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

changeforthebetter · 25/09/2010 11:17

Grin Do you know my neighbour? She has 5 grandparents who are retired but able-bodied to deal with childcare/take kids away for the weekend and generally support her every move and yet she can't manage a thing without moaning and groaning. They have two good salaries coming in and yet are complete fuckwits with money (loans deals aplenty). She whinges to me about not having "me time" and then, for example, I see someone else taking her kids to school very regularly. I am part jealous, part smug tbh. What makes me jealous is that I would love for the DCs to have grandparents and wider family around. It's good for kids to have that network and we don't. I'm smug because, well, I do it all on my own (X swans in occasionally but does none of the donkey work) and it's hard but we get through.

Hai1988 · 25/09/2010 11:19

Im not sure if this is true, but i do have family close by and can always have free babysitting from GD on most weekends (not saying he always has him on weekends just pointing out that if it was needed it is possible)

Anyway i do struggle, i h8 going out with DS on my own, i dont know if its the point you made or whether DS is such a handful and non-listener i dont know.

But maybe there is something in you theory

gorionine · 25/09/2010 11:30

I think it is a bit of a generalisation but I can too see a link betwen getting help and moaning on how difficult it is. My theory is as follow. People who do not have any family arround to help just have got to find ways to do it all without said help. People who do get the help probably hear constantky things like "let me take DC for a couple of hours while you do the shopping/get your house asorted" and it becomes then very hard if the help is not arround or not arround at the very moment you would like it to be.

I have this issue with Dsis, she lives in the same country as the rest of the family, close enough to my parents for them to be able to babysit etc... She often moans to me that she wisheds she could learn a new instrument, go out more... but how difficult it is with 2 dcs. I have to ear it while abroad with no other family than Dh and Dcs and having not been out for over 10 years because I do not know who to ask to babysit in our circle of friend (all very nice people but all with families and comitment of their own). Now, I have often wondered about what I call her "sense of entitlement" but have to admit that given the chance I would probably take as much adbvantage of it as she is.

In brief, I/DH do it all on our own and cope "marvelously" with shopping trips with 2 to 4 dcs in tow, no night out, no one to help with the ironing ...does not mean I am not veryEnvy of my Dsis situation!GrinI think we are programmed to respond to our environment and cope/not cope accordingly.

Sakura · 25/09/2010 11:40

Interesting point gorionine. Yes, I also think that human beings can get used to anything after a while.

Morloth · 25/09/2010 12:03

It isn't a competition, I can manage my kids on my own (have had to being on the other side of the world) but I am looking forward to moving home and having family help because why struggle when you don't have to?

You are sounding quite jealous IMO.

curryfreak · 25/09/2010 12:07

YANBU.

drivingmissdaisy · 25/09/2010 12:09

YANBU I often think this too. Good for you for coming out and saying it.

Faaamily · 25/09/2010 12:16

I think I am one of the people you mean, OP.

My mum lives nearby and does loads of childcare for me. I have a DH who works flexibly and shares childcare, too, and various supportive relatives and friends who will help out if necessary. i am not isolated, not unsuppported, and I rarely struggle to find a babysitter. i am very lucky, I do realise this.

I could probably manage on my own if I had to, because I love my kids with all my heart and I am fairly strong. But by God, I am grateful that I don't have to at this present moment in time (who knows what the future holds?).

Personally, I get no pleasure and never have done from 'coping on my own'. If the help is there, I take it happily. Why wouldn't I? Wouldn't you?

And yes, because I am used to lots of help, when it isn't there I do feel it. Does that mean I am a worse parent than you? I really don't think so.

melikalikimaka · 25/09/2010 12:30

I am soo jealous of women who have their moms in tow to help out happily.

Lifes not fair is it?

Hazeyjane · 25/09/2010 13:08

"Good for you for coming out and saying it."

Why! Lacking empathy is not an admirable sentiment. I'm quite surprised at the 'ffs, get on with it' attitudes on this thread.

brassband · 25/09/2010 13:35

You don't think it could be that parents of more difficult children call in more help and have more difficulty coping.

Faaamily · 25/09/2010 13:58

Good point, brassband.

My eldest has ASD and quite frankly, it's a struggle with all the support I have.

I also think the correlation made earlier in the thread between having lots of help and getting PND is offensive bullshit.

sarah293 · 25/09/2010 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

amberleaf · 25/09/2010 16:45

I am a coper, i dont moan about my 'shit' as i know there's no point it doesnt change anything or the fact that im the only one that will actually have to deal with it all.

Some people are lucky to have family/support to help them with everyday things.

I think i get p1ssed off with certain types of people when they make a huuuge 'poor me' fuss when a difficult situation arises, i get annoyed as often the situation is really not that bad compared to some things others [inc me!] deal with daily!

On the other hand i think a lot of the time people set themselves unrealistic expectations/standards and then feel crappy when they cant meet them, i decided a long time ago to give myself a break-some things really dont matter, i am a lot more relaxed now and im sure this has a factor in my ability to cope with things in general.

giveitago · 25/09/2010 16:57

I'd say YABU but I have a dh who does zero in at home and so I've had zero time to myself - not one insty bitsy lie in in the last 4.5 years. But it's OK - I signed up to being a parent so it's just like being a single mum with the hassle of having to look after a bloke also.

But I have a sahm friend who's dh has organised home help for her and their lovely little dd (even at weekends) to include school runs, cooking, cleaning, childsitting etc. . I'm talking expense like one full time salary here, but my pal still struggles.

I'm just envious. But on the other hand I'd just rather do everything myself.

Just wish we had family around as I'd be tempted to rope them in.

Litchick · 25/09/2010 18:21

I would love more help but family and in-laws are are long way away and DH works very long hours.

I don't resent those with more help at all. I'm envious.

But if you do have this wonderful thing...please don't moan. Enjoy your good fortune.

giveitago · 25/09/2010 18:30

Yup Litchick - I'm with you.

We were told we'd probably never have children and we have one so I'm just sooo grateful for what I have (a child) rather than what I don't have.

Most people struggle in their own way and most people cope in their own way.

RunawayWife · 25/09/2010 18:38

YANBU at all

spongecakelover · 25/09/2010 18:47

Totally Litchick, I'm with you too. Envious is exactly what it is.

omnishambles · 25/09/2010 19:11

I think generally the more help you have then the more you get used to. We dont have any family help at all but my dh is very hands-on and we share the housework 50/50.

Now if I had to do all the housework on my own I would find it really hard and moan like hell about it - so its probably the same with childcare.

I get very jealous on here of people with mums who help out as mine has passed on and never met my dcs and indeed I have to bite my lip at those threads that say 'my mum came round to look after the dcs today and she gave them a fruit shoot - AIBU to never let her in the house again?' But its just envy on my part.

YunoYurbubson · 25/09/2010 19:36

I did nod in agreement with the OP.

I have every sympathy in the world when someone is finding it hard to cope, regardless of how much help they have.

I have much less sympathy when I have to listen to a friend complaining that her weekly babysitting arrangement with her inlaws was interrupted slightly, leaving the poor, poor friend to give her two pre-schoolers their tea with no help at all.

Hopefully · 25/09/2010 19:50

YABU, of course, but as someone who has a reasonable amount of help (my DP is home very early evening every day and does loads), I know I am complete disaster when, for some reason, I have to cope alone for a few days. So in the case of me personally, YANBU Grin

MoralDefective · 25/09/2010 19:52

Didn't bring mine up on my own...had DP to help....family,Grandma,was 200 miles away and i often wanted/needed a chat/babysitting etc....YANBU to think this.......my Grandma brought all three of hers up with no state help/benefits and no husband to help.....