to refuse to put my ds1 in front of the tv all evening after school to avoid dh stressing over mess

[springchik]

My ds started school part time last week and full time next week. Last week my dc wanted to play play dough one morning - ds is doing afternoons at school. Anyway my ds2 aged 2 made his usual mess both dc had great fun. Dh came in from work during a very long break - like a split shift - and all hell broke loose. He was furious at the mess and play basicly ended and ds1 went to school stressed and dh was stresses at coming in to chaos. :( When I got in from dropping off ds1 play dough had been put away and ds2 was watching tv.

THis has happened many times before be it painting, play dough, moon sand, cutting and sticking. If he walk in on chaos after works and as with the nature of his work thats a different time every day/week he goes mad. I'm sure thats why ds never did painting at preschool. Dh said thats nothing to do with why he didnt paint there.

My mum witnessed it last week and said when ds starts school full time I need to put the tv on for the evening when we get in to avoid stress etc. I said I'm not prepared to do that not for all evening anyway as thats not fair on ds.

but in the OP's case it's not about the kids 'not coming first' - it's about their needs not being recognised at all IMO

Bonsoir - nobody thinks chaos is good parenting i don't think.

What is said on this thread is if teh children are in the middle of doing glueing or something, why should they feel compelled to stop and tidy away so daddy comes in to a tidy and peaceful house.

Yes agree that all play should wind down at a certain time, in order to tidy, but this automatic assumption that the man's preferences automatically trump that of the child and the mother, well I think that stinks, frankly.

Blu - was nodding in agreement at your posts.

Brightlights you are talking about keeping an organised home and needing time for yourself - most parents try and do that in some way or another.

Bonsoirs description sounds very different, more traditional and yes 1950's.

Then some parents do like to put their kids 1st every single time.

These are all choices and all valid but the OP is talking about something very different.

I do struggle though to understand why you cant wait to 8pm after you have put your children to bed to have the glass of wine, wind down chat etc

Both DH and I are working parents with stressful full on jobs - when I get home I get stuck right in with kids/housework etc. as does DH on the rare occasions he is home in time to see the kids in the evening. Likewise both of us muck in in the mornings. My DH is a tidy person, I am not (but like things to be clean/hygenic) - both of us have acceptd that with kids a hell of a lot of mess and dirt comes into your life. Sounds like OP's DH hasnt come to that acceptance yet.

Agree with Stewie.
I don't think it's about putting kids first every single time. Everyone's needs should be taken into account at the appropriate time.

But that's the thing. When you haven't seen your children for over ten hours and they are bursting to tell you some wonderful news, or show you their latest badge, or have a little moan about something that happened at school...then that is a completely inappropriate time to insist that they go away for you to gather yourself.

I

brightlight - it sounds as if our houses run similarly!

agree with stewie and lit.

whitethorn - I sooooooo want a wife

The thing is, it's never the working women who get in, get to have time to themselves, have a shower, have the house tidied, then out to their hobbies for two nights a week, plus one day on the weekend. I know lots of working women and none of them have this amount of destressing time or time away from the children. Nor do they particularly want it. There is an entitlement issue there, it's not the 1950's, but all is not equal either.

bright, just do what I do

hose him down outside before he enters

I dont just mean hes annoyed about the mess that play dough etc makes but the "mess" that having toys out in the living room makes when the boys are playing a game or the mess of cooking a meal or dishing up or the mess that small children can make when they are eating. That mess particularly annoys him he's been known to pull chairs out and hoover up whilst they are still eating getting more and more stressed! I dont know what the answer is but I'm sick of the stress of not knowing his mood when he comes in. Even tonight he came in when the kids were in bed but because I hadnt quite finished tidying up he was annoyed. I dont take a great deal of notice anymore as thats him and I cam never please him or make the house tidy enough for his satisfaction.

That's really sad Spring. Your children are going to grow up to be anxious people if this continues. My dad was always stressing, not about mess as such, but about why the bus was late or why the remote wasn't working, why a door wasn't closed, or if someone in the house wasn't wearing slippers . . . It was really over the top. I was always in a raised anxiety state as a child as he stressed about everything! As an adult I developed an anxiety disorder, OCD and depression. I fear this is your childrens future. If a child grows up around very stressed people they learn those behaviours themselves, especially when that person is stressed because of things the child has done, imagine the guilt and the feeling of failure you kids will have. It's a lot to put on kids shoulders, to feel that they are responsible for the way their dad is.

You DH needs to sort himself out. He has some issues if he can't put the kids needs to do messy play before his own need for a super tidy house occassionally.

It's also just sad that your kids can't do normal creative and messy play. That's what kids do. My dcs make a lot of mess and it does drive me craxy sometimes but I also want them to be imaginative and creative in their play so I don't restrict them in this way. I just make myself deal with my own feelings on the mess rather then expecting my dcs to behave like tiny adults with tidyness related OCD.

A year late - but hey

Oh! How the feck? Found it in my watched threads, thought I put in there yesterday, weird. And it's nearly exactly a year . . . weird!

Its up to your DH to take himself upstairs and chill for 5 minutes. Mine gets in at random times, its obvious he could do with a chill out but he gets mucked in with the kids, he's man enough to know that although his work day is finished and he's knackered, OUR work day is still going on and won't stop until the kids are in bed.

I'd love 10 minutes to chill out at around tea time, but don't get it, you just deal with it.

The minute the kids are asleep, DH and I have our own hour or so of utter chilling out, me in the bath or on here, him usually spreadeagled on the lounge carpet. Once that's done we talk and give each other some time.

OP your DH sounds like he needs to learn how to control his 'fury' he's being totally unreasonable.

Haha!! Didn't notice at all.... I blame whoseGotMyEyebrows

bloody hell - work is a rest compared to home and this is from a nurse on a busy hectic ward

"I have to say that if my partner walks in during a stressful bedtime full of noise and shouting children (ie a fairly usual one) his wellbeing is the last thing on my mind. I tend to bellow YOU TAKE OVER BEFORE I COMBUST and retreat upstairs. Pronto."

I am exactly the same. Dh gets this and is hands on deck from the nano second he gets in- if he is late - he get an earful

Yes it's all my fault [hangs head in shame]

Must say though that I am amazed at the reactions on this thread.

I had a little hunt to see if the OP still posts and from what I can see she stopped posting in this name in Jan 11. I find her OP quite worrying as I think it makes her DH sound very controlling. Anyway I found another thread which confirms it

To have hung up on my h after speaking to me like dirt and contempt
springchik Tue 18-Jan-11 20:29:20

It happens every day my husband seems to be permanently angry and surly these days. Just 2 examples from today I went to a preschool committee meeting this morning and when it had finished I rang him up to tell him - todays he had a rotored day off. Saw no reason why I shouldnt he was in a happy mood when I left for the meeting. He answered the phone with what do YOU want in such a nasy way. Apparently I'd interupted him when he was in the middle of doing something. Tonight I came downstairs and he had gone out without saying goodbye so I rang him up. No reply but seconds later he rang back with a nasty tone that is hard to put across. He said you rang what do you want NOW in a horrible nasty tone of voice.

He is often like this. He dissapears for ages in the eveninings either in the bath or toilet (yes I mean ages!!) He doesnt say much to me (civilly anyway.) When I try to find out why its because we dont have sex often enough. Thats also why he's moody with the kids apparantly. I told him is it any wonder when he is so unkind. THe only time he shows an interest is at night. The other night I told him how can I fancy him when he hasnt got a kind word for me or hthe family. We argued and the next day he sent a text saying sorry xxx.

What I mean is that it confirms he's a arse hole (IMO)

Brightlight hear hear
my DH works 12 hour continental shifts. He cycles 6 miles up and down hills (Wales...) to work at 5am, works 12 hours on a furnace, having half hour for lunch if hes lucky, showering, then cycling 6 miles home to get in at about 7.30pm, before having another shower when he gets in. I wouldnt dream of letting him not have a shower, hes often not clean after the second one as it is (the heat means the dirt gets under his skin). Plus his tea is usually cooked when he gets in, AND i even make him a cuppa!!
Luckily hes also a bit of a slob, so neither of us particularly care that the house is a mess though

So the mess & chaos had taken over the whole house & there was nowher for him to have a few minutes to himself??!!