to refuse to put my ds1 in front of the tv all evening after school to avoid dh stressing over mess

[springchik]

My ds started school part time last week and full time next week. Last week my dc wanted to play play dough one morning - ds is doing afternoons at school. Anyway my ds2 aged 2 made his usual mess both dc had great fun. Dh came in from work during a very long break - like a split shift - and all hell broke loose. He was furious at the mess and play basicly ended and ds1 went to school stressed and dh was stresses at coming in to chaos. :( When I got in from dropping off ds1 play dough had been put away and ds2 was watching tv.

THis has happened many times before be it painting, play dough, moon sand, cutting and sticking. If he walk in on chaos after works and as with the nature of his work thats a different time every day/week he goes mad. I'm sure thats why ds never did painting at preschool. Dh said thats nothing to do with why he didnt paint there.

My mum witnessed it last week and said when ds starts school full time I need to put the tv on for the evening when we get in to avoid stress etc. I said I'm not prepared to do that not for all evening anyway as thats not fair on ds.

Surprises me - doesn't anyones dh come home (I'm a sahm) & need to get changed, sort through his post, put his bag away before he can run round the garden?
When I come back from something I like to have a tea & a moment to put my things away. It's nice to feel relaxed in the comfort of home.

If she couldn't keep up, as a single mother, that is sad, and sadly familiar. It has nothing to do with having a Sounding Board. It has possibly something to do with having to carry a hell of a lot of responsibility for everything, on her own.

I cannot say that either Mr Inferior or I treat each other as sounding boards. Quite frankly, he knows bog-all about journalism. I know bog-all about his area of expertise. We do, however, expect a reasonable degree of co-parenting. Including shared dealing with shouty children and mess.

Bluecardi I dont think this is about DH's being able to change/shower, look at post etc.
I think it is more about why they should expect to come home to a house that looks like children were never there are wants full on attention to de-stress. There is a big difference. My DH likes to blow off steam about his work by telling me all about it. I find this quite stressful but listen anyway, whereas I like to go out for a long walk. Both are acceptable but neither makes either of us feel like we are walking on eggshells.

Didnt expect this many replies!! He has always got stressed over mess when he comes home from work but he is definately not a tidy person himself! I dont just mean hes annoyed about the mess that play dough etc makes but the "mess" that having toys out in the living room makes when the boys are playing a game or the mess of cooking a meal or dishing up or the mess that small children can make when they are eating. That mess particularly annoys him he's been known to pull chairs out and hoover up whilst they are still eating getting more and more stressed!

I dont know what the answer is but I'm sick of the stress of not knowing his mood when he comes in. Even tonight he came in when the kids were in bed but because I hadnt quite finished tidying up he was annoyed. I dont take a great deal of notice anymore as thats him and I cam never please him or make the house tidy enough for his satisfaction. :(

Am on maternity leave at the moment but when I go back full time I am going to try this. Presumably I will need half an hour to destress too. Will leave DS (4), DD (2) and DS2 (6 months ish) downstairs on their own whilst I do this. Am sure everything will just be fine

This issue with the kids mess is an ongoing issue with us. i hate it when he walks in the door, tuts and starts tidying up, feels like such a lack of appreciation of their need to play and my wanting to share that time with them. His parents and sister are exactly the same so at least i know where it's come from.

On the weekends i make a point of switching off from the domestic chores as much as possible and seize every opportunity to a) be spontaneous and b) say yes as much as possible to the kids - they hear enough no's during the week. DH has the option of getting on with chores or joining in. It's much more fun for everyone when he joins in, which he is beginning to see thankfully.

Ok Springchick , you know your DH good and bad points so you know what your 'put up with' limit is.

I find that my DH needs to go for a jog and play soccer and golf during the weekend/week or else he is a pain in the arse. That means that 1-2 weeknights and 1 morning in a weekend he is not around, but thats ok cos he is happy when he is here.
Would your DH benefit from that?

My DH hates his job but seems to hate all his jobs. After some prolonged moodiness my response was - p*ss off and be grateful you have a decent job and if you cant be then find something you love. I listen to a 'rant' about once a week but thats it - no more moodiness allowed.

I grew up with a moody parent and its not nice for a child, they end up pleasers who walk on eggshells all their lives to keep others happy.

You need to find something that works for you and your family - maybe its quiet time for your DH when he gets in or indeed some alone time for a hobby, but he must must not be allowed to have his moods dictate the happiness of the home.

Hope that helps, you know best is he probably a good guy who is just in a bad habit?

peppapighastakenovermylife
at your post. That is the dream.Both hard working parents come home (or switch off from running home) to find children cleaning house and putting dinner on the table.

That Jimmy Choo CEO Tamara Mellon had the right idea - apparently she hired a 'wife' to manage her housekeeper and nanny

So those of you who allow your DHs time to 'destress', can I ask when you get time to do that? A few moments to yourself of tidiness? Five minutes having a cup of tea undisturbed?

Earning the money doesn't mean your life is a lot harder, really it doesn't. I earn the money and look after my DS - I pick him up straight from work and go straight into messy play

ladybiscuit Like I said 1 or odd time 2 evenings a week playing sport, and golf one weekend morning. Beyond that he is mucking in, giving tea, doing bathtime etc and loving it.
Housework is a different matter.

If I had a partner (I don't) and were a SAHM, I would most definitely want some stress-free time the moment they walked through the door, not the other way round. They've had the commute for one thing - it's not like they took their hard hat off and walked through the front door. And I get to have my lunch on my own (or with a friend) at least two (if not three) days out of five. How many SAHPs can say that?

This is a fascinating thread. I think in an ideal world we'd all like to come into the house from wherever we've been and put our things down and draw breath, but it's one of the sacrifices you make isn't it?

I really find that relentlessness hard, careering home from work, picking up the girls, coming in and immediately running into the kitchen to throw dinner together before they melt down. But you do it don't you? And DH comes home straight into the screamy uncooperativeness of bathtime, takes a minute to change if he can, I TRY not to just bung the kids at him, and ask how his day has gone, but he's pretty much straight into it.

You accept it, and know that you can collapse at bedtime, and yes I DO religiously tidy up and get the kids to help before bathtime, not for DH, but because it's important to me that the sitting room becomes a calmer place for the girls story and wind down time and for our evening.

And nobody's made the point that this type of messiness and chaos is really only when they're little (it is, isn't it?...she asks rather desperately),so you know it won't be like this forever. Hence Bonsoir's smugness...I think her kids are older.

In repsonse to the OP though, I think your probs are a bit more than the issue we're discussing on this thread...and you don't sound happy about it. maybe time for a Big Talk?

My DH is very messy and it makes me despair at times, but thank god he's not judging me for the tidiness of the house. Makes me appreciate him. Sorry OP, that sounds smug, didn't mean to.

I took ages to post and the thread had moved on and I repeated what other people said. Sorry.

I agree with what some people have said about maybe feeling that they should have the house tidy etc if they were a SAHM and wife of a man that earned a lot of money. I think I would feel like this. I do a tiny bit as I work part-time and earn less, even tho DH would never expect it.

Oh, and i hope people have changed their opinion of BrightLight. i have.

"he's been known to pull chairs out and hoover up whilst they are still eating getting more and more stressed"

that is nuts. he needs help.

Just a nod to Bonsoir and brightlights here. I am a SAHM with three under 5 and I do make sure the hous eis tidy before DH gets home. I also do most of the housework. BUT this is just the way it has evolved and the way I was brought up. DH comes home, changes, may have a smoke and then he helps out with stories and bed. He takes over when I am ill. Yes, he does play sport one day every weekend but this is his hobby. I dont have a hobby but if I did he would be all for me ding something too. Also, it is not a 1950's throwback as he recognises that my job bringing up the kids is something he couldnt do without going mad and he quite often says it is harder than his job. The tidy house thing at the end of the day just makes life nicer for everyone :) Once the kids are in bed there is nothing left to do and we can relax in a tidy home with each other without the kids interrupting. The house gets messy on the weekend and he is fine with that but the same tidy up at the end of the day routine is still done. So I guess I am a mixture of both sides of the coin here - I truly can see both sides.

What I do think is the issue though is the differing levels of expectation between Op and her Dh and this does need to be addressed.

Lots of knee jerk, simplistic reactions as usual.

My dh is stay at home parent, I go out to work. When I come home house is spick and span, is he a doormat or a 1950s throw back?

No I admit I don't demand it and it's he who is like the OP when it comes to mess, but you get my point.

I tell him to chill out about his aversion to mess all the time.

But to say 'why should one pander their dh??' is hardly seeing the bigger picture. It's about the dynamics, compromises, stresses, strains and allowances in a relationship.

I am no pushover I can fucking assure you but I have been known to bite my lip when it comes to his rants about mud or spilt food so as to keep the peace at that momemt. Or not to undermine him ie so we both support the other in front of the kids.

But I go out of my way to balance his anal attitudes towards messy play by painting etc with them when I am with them and to firmly but nicely tell him to fuck off into his office or out the house if he doesn't like it.

Like the OP's dh when it comes to mess I meant, and 'pander to their dh'. D'oh.

I think that bringing up children to know that adults need down time and peace and quiet after a long working day is an example of excellent parenting.

Why anyone thinks chaos is "good parenting" is quite beyone me!