to refuse to put my ds1 in front of the tv all evening after school to avoid dh stressing over mess

[springchik]

My ds started school part time last week and full time next week. Last week my dc wanted to play play dough one morning - ds is doing afternoons at school. Anyway my ds2 aged 2 made his usual mess both dc had great fun. Dh came in from work during a very long break - like a split shift - and all hell broke loose. He was furious at the mess and play basicly ended and ds1 went to school stressed and dh was stresses at coming in to chaos. :( When I got in from dropping off ds1 play dough had been put away and ds2 was watching tv.

THis has happened many times before be it painting, play dough, moon sand, cutting and sticking. If he walk in on chaos after works and as with the nature of his work thats a different time every day/week he goes mad. I'm sure thats why ds never did painting at preschool. Dh said thats nothing to do with why he didnt paint there.

My mum witnessed it last week and said when ds starts school full time I need to put the tv on for the evening when we get in to avoid stress etc. I said I'm not prepared to do that not for all evening anyway as thats not fair on ds.

GetOrf - my DP has a recent sad story of a single mother who worked for him for many years and who recently left the company because she was failing to develop with the rest of the management team. His HR person was of the opinion that this woman's lack of sounding board in the evenings was the major factor preventing her from developing professionally.

I'm not sure that going home and getting stuck into children and domestic stuff straight from work is a great idea.

Getting changed helps - from one world to another.

Yes, I too fail to see why so many DHs need time to 'come round' before facing the family.

I work FT, ex-DH is at home FT. From the moment I walk through the door, I am on duty as mother to my DS. Anything else would be bizarre. Not to mention upsetting for DS - and his needs, as a child who misses his mummy, I put before my own desire for a cup of tea/ glass of wine etc.

Very odd.

Bonsoir - that's a strange thing for a HR person to assume.

Different strokes and all that, however i never talk to DP about work in the evening other than bland general stuff. I don't thing everyone needs a sounding board tbh. I have friends in the same industry with whom I ring and have length chats, but don't bother burdening DP with it. He has no idea about my industry, and I have no idea about his (I am an engineer, he is a building contractor).

Anyway, the OP didn't say she didn't listen to her husbands work issues. He just wants his kids to be quiet as soon as he gets in. What's wrong with mucking in with the kids, sending them to bed at whatever o'clock, then slumping down with a glass of wine to have a chinwag?

But Bonsoir - surely there is plenty of time to discuss the day, relax with a glass of wine etc after the DCs are in bed?

What a load of crap.

Kids make mess. When my toddler finally goes to sleep at 8pm, my house usually looks like a bomb-site. DH owns his own business so he has a pretty bloody stressful work day, but yesterday he managed to do a day's work, bike home several miles and still came straight in and helped me to shove some toys away (without being asked!) before going for his shower while I finished up.

There's no need for your DH to lose his temper and the answer to that is NOT to shove your kids in front of the TV in order to placate that kind of bullish rubbish!

My dp does a 1 and 3/4 hr drive, works for 10 hrs and drives 1 and 3/4 hrs to get home. He is usually home by 7.30. I figure after that he's entitled to 10 mins to have a shower and destress :)

And he always takes over does the bedtime routine and stories for the older 3.

I don't think I would want to do the hours / driving that he's having to do each day, he's lovely my dp.

Wow.

PMSL! Hully, I'm currently living in the 21st century. :)

We had this big party a few years back??

The Millenium??

It was the begining of a new millenium and a new century

Did you miss it???

Perhaps the op needs to have her dh look after the kids all day & then have a mess evaluation in the evening!

Genuinely puzzled and scratching my head at the idea that the working parent comes in and "needs" some quiet time.

What about the one who has been at home immersed in all the chaos ALL DAY? Does that parent get to choose his or her "quiet time"?

Can't get over some of the cringeworthy old-fashioned attitudes on this thread.

OP - yes, your dp needs to adjust his thinking on this issue. He is in the wrong here.

What's to adjust to anyway?

Presumably the DH has had x amount of time during his journey from the office to home to de stress. I know that when I worked in Bristol and had an hour commute I liked the journey home as I could daydream.

But still don't see the need for a wind-down, unless the DHs are executioners or fighter pilots, why would they need to 'wind down'. Why pander to this daftness?

My DH is adamant that he likes to dive stright into family and domestic stuff.

He's away from home and family for far too long as it is. He wants to chat to them about their day before he talks about his with me.

Litchick - that's normal in my eyes.

getorf Aircraft are definatly involved. good guess :)

Good lord- I would love to have 5 minutes peace to myself when I get in from work... but who is going to feed my children and put them to bed?

When you have no idea what time he will come in, he is being completely unreasonable.

ScroobiousPip - no, the DCs don't go to bed before us. And DP absolutely needs that peace and quiet offloading time the minute he walks in the door - he is shattered at that point.

I'm just laughing to myself at the idea that I could get in from work, be 'protected' from the family and have quiet time before joining in. Myseteriously, I muck in, help with baths, put the children to bed, tidy up a bit, I bet no working mums have 'time off' before re-engaging with their families.

I have to say that if my partner walks in during a stressful bedtime full of noise and shouting children (ie a fairly usual one) his wellbeing is the last thing on my mind. I tend to bellow YOU TAKE OVER BEFORE I COMBUST and retreat upstairs. Pronto.

when I come in from work I hit the ground running

I don't expect anything less than the co-parent of my children

these 1950's attitudes are a shocker !

a "quiet space" for the DH after a stressfull day? What utter bollocks...

dealing poorly (on a consistently unreasonable basis) with the normal mess and bustle of having children around is a red flag for an abusive man, IMO

OP, please stand up for your children's rights to be children

or perhaps we should juxtapose this thread with "what do we think of women who put partner's needs before their children's ???"

...pass the Mogadon...

He sounds like a right bloody tyrant! Kicking off over a 2 yr old making a bit of play doh mess? Tell him to get a grip! (and get the tea on while he's at it).

Faaamily I love your name (are you indeed Peggy Mitchell? )

I think i am just going to change my name to IagreewithAnyFucker, to save time.