to refuse to put my ds1 in front of the tv all evening after school to avoid dh stressing over mess

[springchik]

My ds started school part time last week and full time next week. Last week my dc wanted to play play dough one morning - ds is doing afternoons at school. Anyway my ds2 aged 2 made his usual mess both dc had great fun. Dh came in from work during a very long break - like a split shift - and all hell broke loose. He was furious at the mess and play basicly ended and ds1 went to school stressed and dh was stresses at coming in to chaos. :( When I got in from dropping off ds1 play dough had been put away and ds2 was watching tv.

THis has happened many times before be it painting, play dough, moon sand, cutting and sticking. If he walk in on chaos after works and as with the nature of his work thats a different time every day/week he goes mad. I'm sure thats why ds never did painting at preschool. Dh said thats nothing to do with why he didnt paint there.

My mum witnessed it last week and said when ds starts school full time I need to put the tv on for the evening when we get in to avoid stress etc. I said I'm not prepared to do that not for all evening anyway as thats not fair on ds.

It's also about putting your partner's needs before your own (or am I alone in finding bedtime Really Quite Stressful)?

I would tell him to go back out the door and not to come back untill he ca be civil to you and the DC. This is their home to and they are children and need to do the things children do.

My DH leaves home at 7am and gets home at about 7pm. He has an incredibly stressful job and always brings work to do at home. As soon as they hear the key in the door my DC drop what ever they are doing and run to him for hugs, cuddles and kisses, they then talk 19 to the dozen telling him about their days and they spend some time just chatting. Then DH will help with clearing up and put them to bed.He will then come down stairs to have his dinner and we chat while he is doing so and then he will get is work out for an hour or two before we go to bed.

"I'm not sure that going home and getting stuck into children and domestic stuff straight from work is a great idea."

So if both mum and dad work - the norm these days - who's going to look after the children?! WOHMs get on with it the minute they walk through the door, so why shouldn't WOHDs?

It's both parents' responsibility to do deal with the kids in the evenings. OP's partner sounds like a bully.

lol@@GetOrf. I am a serial name changer, but I might keep this one .

MrsGokWan - that sounds pretty much like our house.

And seriously, I don't buy all this 'he's so stressed' stuff.
If you find work that hard, and that tiring, you're in the wrong job surely? Not being sarky here. But if you need the place clear and the kids quiet because you're head is exploding, you really need a rethink.

On one hand I think Bonsoir and Brightights may be on to something with regards to keeping their menfolk happy but on the other hand i think how dare anyone with children come home and expect the house to be like the kids dont exist.
I do however believe in parents time - when kids go to bed, when you go out etc etc.
I work and when I come home I also hit the ground running and DH does the same.

I would be interested to know if Bonsoir and Brightlights are SAHM's whose husbands bring in a big salary. I think if I was in that position, I might also feel that they should come home to a nice perfect, quiet house.
My best friends hubby is a high earning city lawyer and she treats him in this way - she believes that he gives her and the kids a lifestyle so she should at least ensure his needs are met when he comes in from work.
That is in no way meant as a criticism of that way of life!.

The question should surely be though, why would any man, regardless of his salary, not wish to interact with his children?

DH earns a fortune, but I think it would be wierd if he wanted to absent himself further given how many hiurs he already has t work and is consequently nit enjoying family life.

But then maybe that's the thing. You either enjoy family life, which must surely entail the chaos it brings, or you don't. And want a pretend, sterile version of it.

Which isn't to say, Dh walks in the door and grabs the ironing board LOL.

Far from it...

what else does he get furious about?

I've come rather late to this thread, and

"BrightLightBrightLight, so good of you to time travel yourself forward from the 50's to proffer advice on this thread"

has made me decide that I will never read MN with a mouthful of food ever again!

It was the word proffer that did it.

Litchick
I agree with you but am just curious as to why a woman would want to coddle her DH in this way - is it a case of they have earned it so I will prioritise their needs? I see it a lot with friends who stay home and have married men who earn a fortune.

DH and I are not equal earners (because I work less hours) but I in no way feel that this excuses him from family time, and neither does he.
For me (and DH) our DD running around the house is a total joy after a hard days work but I will admit that sometimes I am sick of picking up stickers, bricks etc etc

Sure, no-one likes picking the crap up etc.
And frankly, I wouldn't expect DH to do it after a thirteen hour day.

But this is more than that, I feel. This is trying to steralise family life in an unacceptable way - make sure everything's clean and tidy, make sure noise is at a minimum. Or in the extreme, asking DC to go away and not bother Daddy.

That makes any DH sound like a visitor, rather than a parent.

Springchick While 2 weeks into my maternity leave my mother berated me for not wearing lipstick when DH got home and not having a meal ready. I actually took it to heart and was quite upset but you need to understand that they are from a different era when that was the norm.
Litchick I do think the yummy mummy stereotype puts huge pressure on women to have the perfect home, children and perfect dinner on the table.

Litchick - not all families' natural state is chaos, you know! We interact a lot as a family - just not chaotically.

I lived in France for a while - Bonsoir is that where you live/are from.
I adored the country but the attitude to children is very different from ours, maybe that is why your views are being flamed

PMSL at 'different era'. I am 47. My mother is 75. The first Women's Liberation Conference was held when I was five.

My partner works pretty hard. He earns, these days, more than I do. I really do not see my mission in life as Keeping Him Happy. Or providing meals when it's his turn to cook.

Where are all the women who come home from a day's work and 'need' time to unwind, offload, drink wine and Not See Their Own Children? don't bloody well exist. Seems it is a man's privilege, Bonsoir.

Children's 'work' is play. Tell him it is not mess, it is the children's equivalent of work, and willl be packed away again when they have finished.

How DARE he interrupt what they are doing and undermine you in the way you manage the as a sahm?

And as for such sexist, discriminatory presumptious, corporate wife nonsense such as a single woman can't progress professionally (like a married man) without a willing sounding board of a housewife at home - was this poor woman TOLD this verdict in her appraisal? So that she could take knob of an HR person to a tribunal?

I am a mother who wohm f/t. I would not dream of doing this one the days that DP gets in first and does 'projects' with DS. Your DH is acting like an alley cat - sprating his territory when he comes in and making sure you all know who owns it.

And tell your mother not to be such a man-fearing doormat!

Oh yes, actually if that were in the UK I'd advise that woman to go to a tribunal on basis of discrimination - I was going to say that before Blu did!

She wasn't fired - she left (because she felt she couldn't keep up). So no reason to go to a tribunal.

But did she know that was said about her?
Any woman who heard that about herself would feel patronised, at the very least.

I am not surprised she left - and think she could well have done them for construtive dismissal. Anyway, whatever the ins and outs - it's a bloody sexist patronising way to talk of somebody - and nothing more than sexist gossipy supposition, either. Totally unprofessional of the HR person.

It is HR's professional role to understand people's professional development, Blu