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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sister is being a little bit selfish?

118 replies

MsSparkle · 20/09/2010 12:24

My mum and my sister both share the same birthday in December. This year my mum is going to 60 and my sister will be 29.

Every year, my mum has taken a back seat on her birthday so my sister got all the fuss etc and my mum never ever complained about this, she was always happy for my sister to take center stage on their birthday.

This year we have decided to take mum out for a nice meal as it is her 60th, so as it's in December (Chistmas parties etc) we have had to book the table now.

So yesterday, my sister phoned my mum to say she and her partner weren't going to be coming because she has decided to go for a meal with just her and him to celebrate HER birthday.

I think she is being selfish. She can celebrate her birthday with mum at the meal with all of us, i think it's just because she won't be center stage as it's my mums 60th.

Next year she gets the big birthday being 30! She has annoyed me alot. I haven't heard from her yet to tell me she isn't coming and i am unsure what to say to her when she does?

OP posts:
EdgarAllInPink · 20/09/2010 12:26

on this one - say what you feel! she is not being reasonable - she can hav a separte celebration with friends after if she likes.

it's your Mums 60th and its very rude not to go.

ChristianaTheSeventh · 20/09/2010 12:26
Shock

Of course she must come. I can't actually believe she's being so selfish. YADNBU.

When she calls I think you should just say she has to come! She can do a lunch or dinner out with Dp anoher time!

GeekOfTheWeek · 20/09/2010 12:27

I would be livid if my sister did this tbh.

YANBU

Bloody selfish.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 20/09/2010 12:27

yes. She's being selfish.

Do it without her.

What to say to her?

"Sorry you're not coming to mum's 60th celebration. You'll be missed."

What else is there to say?

If you try to make her come, then it's meaningless, isn't it? You want people there who want to be there!

Let her have her meal for 2.

Oh, and stop giving her centre stage in future. You've far more birthdays left for her than your mum, sadly. Give your mum the centre stage!

ChristianaTheSeventh · 20/09/2010 12:29

hecate I agree with you in principle but don't you think that her DM will be really upset if her DD doesn't come?

msp DO you think she's just doing it for attention now, so that everyone will rally round, say, you must come you must come and then say, well, we'll make it a joint party then?

thumbwitch · 20/09/2010 12:30

whta a selfish biatch! Seriously, how pathetic does a person need to be to upstage their own mother at her 60th? Your poor mum.

Sassybeast · 20/09/2010 12:31

She's probably doing it so that people will beg her to come. call her bluff and tell her that it's such a shame that she can't make it. Spoilt brat.

ANTagony · 20/09/2010 12:32

I'd say shes being really selfish but how will your mum take her no show? Will it ruin things for her?

Some people are just self absorbed and no matter how much the rest of us try to politely get them to tow the line - they aren't going to.

If there is a risk of it causing upset to your mum is there any chance of getting your sister to find some middle ground i.e. make your mums meal a big family lunch, including her?

Original poster
MsSparkle · 20/09/2010 12:32

ChristianaTheSeventh yeah she probably is doing it so we will make it a joint one.

OP posts:
MadreInglese · 20/09/2010 12:32

has she clocked it's her 60th?

(if she's anything like my siblings she may not have!)

HecateQueenOfWitches · 20/09/2010 12:32

yes, I'm sure she will. But forcing someone to attend will not a happy evening make.

I forsee sulky faces, lots of huffing and generally spoiling and making it known she did not want to be there. Or trying to make it all about her - waaa, can you believe I am THIRTY next me me me blah blah me me me me me....

I know that I would not like someone with me because they had been made to be. That they weren't celebrating but had been forced to come.

It's worth nothing. Nothing at all.

QS · 20/09/2010 12:36

Let her have her meal with her partner.

Tell her "I am sorry you have decided not to come to mums 60th birthday, I am sure she will be disappointed in you, but so be it. Have a nice meal" Then say nothing.

My neighbour had a do for her 60th, and EVERYBODY was talking about how her oldest daughter had made a brief appearance and then gone farking clubbing with her boyfriend. She got a few nasty comments after the event, I tell you! Nobody looked at her the same again!

QS · 20/09/2010 12:37

DONT make it a joint one.

Let your mum have the focus for once.

gingerkirsty · 20/09/2010 12:37

I agree that she wants you to beg her to attend - and we all know you don't reward bad behaviour with attention! Wink

I'd just say what Hecate suggests and see if she decides to come after all.

She sounds like a right meany, lucky your Mum has you to make a proper fuss of her :)

annec555 · 20/09/2010 12:38

I have some family members who do things like this. If they can't be the centre of attention, they throw a hissy fit and don't come. It has backfired a bit as everyone now just assumes they won't want to come to events and they don't get invited!

Lonnie · 20/09/2010 12:45

I would stick with

Sorry you have decided to make your 29th birthday more important than our mothers 60th but if that is how you feel then its likely best you stay away.

and then leave her to stew

QS · 20/09/2010 12:46

oh, Lonnie that is a good one!

JaneS · 20/09/2010 12:47

Does she realize it's a big celebration?

If it were me, I'd send out fancy invitations and make a big fuss about your mum's do - make your sister feel really out of it.

nickelbabe · 20/09/2010 12:47

the problem I can foresee is that if you "force" your sister to go to her mother's 60th birthday meal, then there will be bitterness at the table.
she'll make a huge fuss about the fact that it's her birthday and it's not ^fair etc., and basically make everyone (inclkuding your mum) uncomfortable.

I agree with Hecate - carry on with the meal, tell your sister it's a shame she won't be there - but really make it clear that it's your mum's 60th when you say it, and tell her if she changes her mind, she will always be welcome to come.

tinkletinklelittlestar · 20/09/2010 12:47

Just carry on and arrange things for your mum. Don't apologise and don't explain and don't bring it up with your sister again.

Original poster
MsSparkle · 20/09/2010 12:48

My sister has always loved being center stage. I think that's why she isn't keep on my dp because he doesn't pander to her attention seeking. (My dp is still horrified from when we went to her new year party at her house and she was wearing a short skirt and bent right over in front of dp, who was sat down, to pick something off the floor, to reveal a very skimpy thong which didn't cover ANYTHING!)

I decided in July to get married this December and am planning it all at the moment. A month after i start doing this, she annouces her wedding date (March 2012) when she has NEVER mentioned getting married ever in her life. So now it's all about her wedding plansSad

Gosh i didn't realise i held so much resentmentBlush

OP posts:
MrsGokWan · 20/09/2010 12:48

I would go with what QS has said. With a possible end bit htat says "but if you change your mind and want to celebrate Mum's 60th then you will be most welcome". So it is open and she can decide to come with out to much stress for you and others.

Original poster
MsSparkle · 20/09/2010 12:50

Yes, she does know it's my mums 60th birthday this year.

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 20/09/2010 12:50

I totally agree with QS. Let herself be hoist by her own petard.

There is nothing you can really do about it - if you try and make her see sense it will backfire. From the sound of it your mum sounds pretty self-effacing (bless her) and would not want a fuss caused.

But I do very much underdtand your anger. She is a selfish so and so.

make sure your mum has a lovely time. And also make sure that your sister doesn't turn HER birthday into a celebratory jamboree and invite your mum to her birtdhay.

Hopefully your sister will wake up witha great big spot on her cheek on the big day

QS · 20/09/2010 12:52

My oldest son (now 8) was born on my fathers 75th birthday. My father refused to have any mention of my son, his grandchild on HIS birthday, and he would stew if a little boy got presents and cake on HIS day.

For that reason, we have stopped making it a joint celebration. We celebrate my sons birthday at our house, and drop by to my parents later with some cake for them (they dont come to my house as my father is wheelchair bound). The result of course is that I celebrate my sons birthday, rather than my fathers, because lets face it, you cant say to a small child, "sorry, we are celebrating GRANDAD, but not you". So, due to my fathers selfish ways, rather than getting plenty of cake and celebrations at his house, he gets leftovers.

You dont really expect a man in his late seventies to refuse celebrating a small child saying "but it is MY birthday" with pursed lips.

Families can be very unreasonable when it comes to their birthdays.

Op, this is not relevant, but your sister reminds me of my father.

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