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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my sister is being a little bit selfish?

118 replies

MsSparkle · 20/09/2010 12:24

My mum and my sister both share the same birthday in December. This year my mum is going to 60 and my sister will be 29.

Every year, my mum has taken a back seat on her birthday so my sister got all the fuss etc and my mum never ever complained about this, she was always happy for my sister to take center stage on their birthday.

This year we have decided to take mum out for a nice meal as it is her 60th, so as it's in December (Chistmas parties etc) we have had to book the table now.

So yesterday, my sister phoned my mum to say she and her partner weren't going to be coming because she has decided to go for a meal with just her and him to celebrate HER birthday.

I think she is being selfish. She can celebrate her birthday with mum at the meal with all of us, i think it's just because she won't be center stage as it's my mums 60th.

Next year she gets the big birthday being 30! She has annoyed me alot. I haven't heard from her yet to tell me she isn't coming and i am unsure what to say to her when she does?

OP posts:
Greenshadow · 20/09/2010 12:52

YANBU

But, surely if DS attends, it will effectively be a joint event anyway - you can't ignore the fact that it is also her birthday.

5inthebed · 20/09/2010 12:53

Wow, how selfish of her!

She is acting like a spoilt brat.

QS · 20/09/2010 12:56

(I should add, I do usually bake a cake for my father too, but we dont do it jointly. He has a party with friends)

Original poster
MsSparkle · 20/09/2010 12:56

Ok so i just sent her a little text saying "Hi, are you coming to mums 60th birthday meal?"

The reply was "Probably not. Dp is taking me to Claridges for afternoon tea on my birthday. Spoke to mum and she doesn't mind." Angry

So there you go.

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 20/09/2010 12:57

People are stupid about birthdays, aren't they. I think it magnifies essentially awful behaviour in their character.

My mum is a case in point re her biorthday presents. She is one of those people who is impossible to buy for - she really doesn't like anything. Every year i would agonise. She ould open the present, look at it, say thank you very quietly and put it to one side. Then, at christmas or new year (2 months after her birthday) she would get pissed and say 'oh GOD did you see what gertorf bought for my birthday present, how vile/cheap/extravagant/tasteless/sad it is' and basically rip it (and me, it felt) to shreds.

One year I thought bollocks and got her a voucher for Fat Face. That was 'unfeeling'. If I gave her cash she was ungrateful 'oh it is not much of a present, I would just end up using it to pay the electricity bill'.

Then she started this proceeeding with what present dd bought her.

Just one of the many things which caused me to cut ties with her.

Sorry, awful selfish hijack Blush

QS · 20/09/2010 12:57

But she can attend her mothers 60th, and have her birthday meal with her partner another day.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 20/09/2010 12:57

Fair enough.

Make a HUGE fuss of your mum.

Don't waste your time and engergies being angry at people who aren't worth it. Focus on your mum.

bigchris · 20/09/2010 12:58

QS that is shocking
im surprised you bother going round to your dads at all
your a bigger person than I am!

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/09/2010 12:59

One year I went to Dubai and got her a gold necklace (she likes gold). Gave it to her, she never wore it, found out she told my brother that she wasn't going to wear cheap, crap arab gold. It cost £300!

Katz · 20/09/2010 12:59

i'd reply to that text with - ok then never mind if you have plans - we'll make it special for her, she's only 60 once after all.

squeaver · 20/09/2010 13:00

She's 29 you say? Not 4?

Agree with everyone else, just say "sorry you can't come" and then don't mention it again. And don't let anyone else mention it and, definitely, don't allow anyone to spend the whole meal saying "oh it's a shame X isn't here". Because that's what she wants.

My (weirdo) SIL suddenly "caught" claustrophobia earlier this year, coinciding with my parents' 50th wedding anniversary party. My Mum - who has always pandered to her in the past - just said "never mind" and then never mentioned it again.

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/09/2010 13:00

Oh dear MsSparkle. She is a selfish bugger.

Well, if i were you I would go to town and make an ITT fuss of your mum to make up for all those years where she has not wanted any celebration for her own biorthday.

That is very sad, though. I imagine that your mum is very hurt that one of her daughters will not be there at her borthday meal./

GetOrfMoiLand · 20/09/2010 13:01

I meany OTT fuss, my tyoing is appalling, sorry.

Summerbird73 · 20/09/2010 13:01

i agree she is v selfish. i also agree that you shouldnt make a fuss of her not attending, you have now asked her twice and she has said she is not coming.

make a massive fuss of your mum and she will appreciate you for it - my mum is 60 this year too Smile

ps - i now have a disturbing mental image of a random sis bending over in front of BIL in said thong - thank you for that Hmm Shock Grin

squeaver · 20/09/2010 13:02

Oh x-posted with your post about the text. Same advice applies though "Oh well, never mind"

Deliaskis · 20/09/2010 13:03

Don't know what the answer is but this is the kind of thing that would fester with me. I suppose the only thing you can really do is along the lines of what squeaver suggests. I wouldn't be pandering for her 30th though.

D

QS · 20/09/2010 13:03

bigchris, my dad is a very generous soul. He just had 75 years of celebrating HIS birthday, and would not be able to share it with anybody. A shame really, as my sons 5th and his 80th COULD have been a magnificent joint celebration!

He has arranged the towns elite football team to sign a football for my sons. They are over the moon, and also arranged for my oldest to come and be a spectator when they are having their saturday practice. Grin

sorry for hijack.

getorf, that is sad. Sad

OP. Never mind. Enjoy your mums 60th, and please dont make a fuss over your sister. She must have a very sad life if she is so competitive. She will sit there in Claridges with only ONE person fussing her. It will be the worst birthday of her life, through her own doing.

GeorgetteHeyer · 20/09/2010 13:04

MrsSparkle - I'd agree with LittleRedDragon. Make a fuss out of it for your Mum!

After 29 years of taking a backseat, and it being her 60th, let her have the spotlight for once. Your sister is being selfish and immature and I think it's really nice you want to do this for your mum. Let her walk away and you enjoy planning the celebration and the party, without her there pulling sour faces and making remarks.

And beware what happens with joint presents etc - that sounds like it could be a potential minefield!

(Just thought - how funny would it be if you had the evening party at Claridges to completely upstage your sister but not invite her as she's already said no!! Disclaimer: this is my evil side coming out and would cost a fortune so is probably highly unrealistic)

squeaver · 20/09/2010 13:05

She really is breathtakingly selfish, though, not just "a little bit".

ivykaty44 · 20/09/2010 13:06

perhaps ask her if she would like it for everyone to do there own thing on her 30th next year and if your mum went for a meal on her own with her dad and ignored her 30th birthday

just ask how she would feel if the boot was on the other foot

SiriusStar · 20/09/2010 13:11

YANBU.

Book and extra 2 seats just in case, so then you are prepared in case she changes her mind. That way you won't be cast as the villian for leaving her out. (Even though she has declined)
Although, don't let her know you've done this unless she asks/complains she wants to attend.

Agree with the nice invites and remember to send one to her even though she has declined already.

Give her the opportunity to contribute to a joint present if you are doing this.

Give her the option to join in without pandering to her, just like you would with any other member of the family.

Let her know you are disappointed that she won't be at her mum's big birthday meal and that she will be missed.

Depending on your relationship with her you could ask her to think about how she would feel if next year your mum goes out for a meal on her own and does not attend her 30th celebration. Don't say it as if you require an answer, but as a prompt for her to think about it in her own time.

What do your Mum and Dad think?

SELFISH- acting or done according to one's own interests and needs without regard for those of others.

MadreInglese · 20/09/2010 13:15

agree with the others saying completely ignore her behaviour and don't mention it again

instead channel your pissed off energy into making a fuss of your mum and thanking the people who do turn up

WinkyWinkola · 20/09/2010 13:15

YANBU. She is being selfish. But if someone thinks it's ok to be have like that and is so solipsistic, is there any point at all in talking to them about it?

Just press on as you were with your mum's birthday celebrations. And make it the best birthday bash your mum has ever had. She's lucky to have a daughter like you.

I'm really Shock at some of the birthday-zilla stories on here! I couldn't give a flying fig about my birthday and I know it's important to other people but my word - it sound like some people haven't got past their 7th birthdays!

nameymcnamechange · 20/09/2010 13:16

Make a point of going somewhere else on her 30th next year [childish emoticon].

Agree with Squeaver - this isn't just a small thing. Its a really really big thing and she is being unspeakable.

rantyknickers · 20/09/2010 13:17

Who else will be celebrating with your mum? Will it be just you and your partner or will it be a big thing?

If there will be lots of people, I would let her get on with it and look bad. Especially as afternoon tea at Claridges is such a 'mother' thing to do - she is making a very petty little point I think.

But I agree, it would fester and I would hate to think I'd let her behave that badly and not make my feelings known.

If I were you I would ring and text back and say 'It's Mum's 60th birthday so I really think we should all be there for her. But if you would rather do something by yourself, we will all make up for your absence.'

Selfish cow.