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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that NO, not every woman can breastfeed!

145 replies

meltedchocolate · 17/09/2010 13:53

OK basically a friend loves BFing. Great. I am happy. It is a wonderful thing indeed! So much so that she wants to be a BFing counsellor and is going to start training. Lovely. Glad she is doing something she wants to. Now though she seems to think she knows all there is to know about BFing and is driving me nuts with it. Basically she thinks that EVERY woman can BF and there is no reason why someone couldn't and is totally unsympathetic to anyone not BFing.

I BFed my son til he was 6 weeks old. I stopped then because I couldn't keep up. He was a 9 lb baby and was huge by that point. I was exhausted and wasn't eating well and my boobs had shrunk back to an A cup while I was still BFing. I was constantly leaking and was swapping my tops several times a day. I would soak my t shirt in half an hour if I didn't swap pads every ten mins or so. When he wanted to feed I could BF for an hour and he would still be very hungry after so I had to give in and give him a bottle. (this started around 4-5 weeks) I was so so upset. I cried about it a lot. Two years down the line and she still makes me feel like it was my fault and that I could have done things differently, and would have suceeded. Despite the fact that we started brilliantly, had no problem latching and was very successful for the first 4 weeks.

I told her about my mother who tried in vain and desperately to BF all three of her children and was eventually told to stop trying. She had very flat nipples and none of the things to help this problem were working. Despite her best efforts none of us would ever latch. Friend basically said mum was wrong and she could have BFed.... My mother has always been upset she never got to do this. I feel very defensive of her.

I should say that we fell out nearly a year ago and have put it behind us now and that the falling out was mostly my fault, though I have appologised on many occassions now. I think she is doing/ saying these things on purpose to annoy me now though.

Sorry for whining on. It's just been grating on me. Sad I know :o

AIBU to be upset and think friend is wrong and could be more tactful?

OP posts:
FuzzFace · 17/09/2010 13:54

YANBU!

SellYouLight · 17/09/2010 13:55

YANBU

FrameyMcFrame · 17/09/2010 13:57

YANBU

nigglewiggle · 17/09/2010 13:58

Perhaps you should tell her that if she wants to be a BF consellor she needs to educate herself about the genuine reasons why (admittedly very few) women cannot BF if she wants to have any hope of counselling those women.

OTTMummA · 17/09/2010 13:59

YANBU, there are definatley some genuine reasons why a woman can not physicaly BF.
We are not all made the same, inside or out, so your friends blinkered belief is rather innapropriate for the position she would like to train for.

Has she ever thought about women who have extremely inverted nipples, or had breast surgery etc, thats just 2 reasons,there are many more reasons.

Chil1234 · 17/09/2010 13:59

YANBU... if she's serious about being a BF counsellor she has to be more open to the idea that some can, some can't, some want to and some don't. They're all to be supported, not judged. I know a lot of people that have been reduced to tears by unkind people with your friend's blinkered attitude and it's not right.

zingzillachinchilla · 17/09/2010 14:00

YANBU! And I think part of the BF counsellor training should cover 'how to handle conversations with women who are unable to BF for whatever reason'. It might be, for all I know - someone more knowledgeable will be along shortly, I'm sure.

I BF my DD but my best friend struggled with DD1 and tried again with no success with DS1. She also found it very demoralising.

It's all very well people being enthusiastic about BFing, but not to the point where they cannot appreciate that others might take a different view.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 17/09/2010 14:01

Well, the thing is I don't think she is aware that she is very difficult about it. I agree the reasons are few and perhaps I could have been helped in some way. Though there are no counsellors here so I couldn't have had over much help and not sure I would have liked her counselloring me. Maybe the next one will be more successful. I loved it while it lasted anyay :)

OP posts:
zingzillachinchilla · 17/09/2010 14:01

oops - x-post x3!

Dione · 17/09/2010 14:02

YANBU. She sounds really evangelical about this, but I'm with nigglewiggle, she should be more tolerant and knowledgable if she is to become an effective BF counsellor. Otherwise she will alienate the people she is claiming to help.

EndangeredSpecies · 17/09/2010 14:03

YADNBU. If she persists with that attitude her career as a bf-ing counsellor will be a very short one.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 17/09/2010 14:03

Some people on certain medication are unable to breastfeed as the medication would pass through the milk to the baby. YANBU your friend needs to understand tolerance for all viewpoints on this subject.

MoonUnitAlpha · 17/09/2010 14:04

Maybe you could point out to her that although most women are physically/biologically able to breastfeed, there's a lot more to it than that. For a lot of women it might not work emotionally or practically in their lives, and lots more women don't get the support they need to make it work. How is it helpful to make women feel guilty for not being "successful"?

rainbowrosie · 17/09/2010 14:04

Ha ha - i totally thought every woman could breastfeed and that i would be a fountain of milk - and it never to occurred me that i would have any trouble

Nearly every new mum i spoke to has had difficulty with breastfeeding - some have ploughed on and had a great experience & some stopped, but it has not been this easy earth mother ride that everyone assumes it is

Personally i was devastated - my milk did not come it - for whatever reason i was on pills for it, feeding baby with pipettes of breastmilk, expressing at stupid o'clock, had lots of help from HV one of which was a BF counsellor for the World health organisation - so i was surrounded by helpers.& i went to the bottle

It took me about 4 months from the birth to get on the good foot emotionally and start to enjoy baby after this
Now i am having 2nd baby and i will never put myself through the anguish again....If i can BF this time brilliant - if not and use bottles - & i have another fab gorgeous child like number one is i will be ecstatic

t

nagoo · 17/09/2010 14:05

I, for once, agreed with everyone above!Grin

cory · 17/09/2010 14:05

What others have said. I hope your friend has some good quality training, otherwise she will be a rotten breastfeeding counsellor.

thedollshouse · 17/09/2010 14:06

I think lots of women find it more difficult than others for various reasons. I found it very difficult and gave up earlier than I would have liked. With ds1 I felt that I may have had issues with supply and didn't really get any support. With ds2 there were no supply issues and I had lots of support but I still didn't manage to bf successfully.

After failing with ds1 with I felt quite sensitive about not bfing longer but after ds2 I felt far more relaxed about it. A few people have raised a few negative comments but I tell them that their comments are unwelcome as I made an informed choice when I gave up bfing and don't need to be patronised.

OmniaParatus · 17/09/2010 14:06

YANBU.

She's not going to get very far as a BF counsellor with that attitude. My sister is a BF counsellor and a part of the job is also to counsel people who have had to give up BF and feel upset because they have given up.

My sister does also think that everyone can BF (and I don't quite agree with her on that!) but she would NEVER speak like this to someone who hasn't BF for as long as they wanted to.

Next time she starts I might be tempted to say are you sure you want to be a counsellor? Because you're not being very supportive! (At least think it, it'll make you feel better Grin)

Pancakeflipper · 17/09/2010 14:09

I so loved breastfeeding my ES. But I wasn't producing much milk. I had 2 NCT breastfeeding counsellors trying their hardest. We tried so many different tactics. After 2 months the midwife and Dr had to step in as ES had dropped from the 50th centile to not being on the scale.

They told us very kindly he would have to go into hospital. My OH was upfront, he agrees breast is best but it wasn't for our baby.

I fought against it. It broke my heart that first teat going into his mouth. My OH had to do the first few feeds.

The midwife, DR and NCT guys were great. They didn't make me feel guilty cos' I was doing a good enough job of tearing myself up.

My ES thrived, developed and he's a very healthy bright 5 yr old. I cannot spot which kids in his class were bottle or breast fed.

I wish I had not wasted so much energy in my guilt. I should have invested that into my child. Cos' I don't think it was the big deal I made it into.

A happy thriving child makes a happy mummy and children need happy mummies.

Original poster
meltedchocolate · 17/09/2010 14:09

Also we met up with a friend the other day who has just had a baby 8 weeks ago. This woman had had a CS and found it too sore to BF and gave up after four days (4 days, better than none!!) and the friend said 'well you can start at anytime' Like friends reason for stopping were no longer valid now she had healed a bit and she should seriously consider starting BFing now (no pressure! Hmm). She then proceeded to boast how she had helped another woman do this very thing.

OP posts:
miso · 17/09/2010 14:10

YANBU at all!

It's one thing to say that with more support, more women could BF & for longer.

Totally unreasonable and very patronising indeed to imply that any individual could have succeeded if they had just tried a leetle bit harder.

bamboobutton · 17/09/2010 14:10

YANBU.

i have hypoplastic breasts which makes BFing difficult but not impossible due to supply issues.

my breasts never grew in pg, never leaked milk, couldn't hand express more than a few pinprick sized drops and due to the shape of nipples dd couldn't latch properly and she mascerated my nipples. by the time the nipple had healed enough to get dd back on my milk had disappeared.

i would have hated a judgemental person like your friend trying to help me.

does your friend have any clue about breast deformities and the problems they can cause?

Serendippy · 17/09/2010 14:12

YANBU. She needs to change her attitude, not only to avoid making mothers feel guilty if they do have to stop BF or start mixed feeding, but also so that she can explain calmly the reasons behind why many women stop BF and how to avoid them. All my friends and I were simply told that everyone can BF: Great, we thought! No worries! I lasted 3 months and hated it, 2 other friends gave up earlier, 1 friend is still going at 10 months. So maybe most women can BF, but if they are told that it is straightforward and easy, they are more likely to feel like a failure if things don't go to plan and fall at the first hurdle.

On the plus side, would be great to have more BF councellors! Hope she can learn to moderate how she puts her points across.

purlcity · 17/09/2010 14:12

YANBU

I'm sure a lot of would-be BFers find such a full on attitude overwhelming and unhelpful.

Could you ask your friend how I was expected to BF my second child whilst I was in ICU, in a coma after my C-section went terribly wrong?

Marjee · 17/09/2010 14:12

Yanbu, she doesn't sound like much of a friend if shes making you upset over something you feel so bad about anyway. I can sort of understand that sometimes a woman can find it hard and think its impossible when actually theres just a minor problem which can be overcome with the right support. I'm not saying thats always the case though and your friend should be more understanding and realise that sometimes it doesn't work out.