Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To not "take to" a friend's child because she isn't attractive

150 replies

princesstumble · 16/09/2010 16:53

This isn't something I have spoken about to anyone because I feel pretty awful about it. One of my friend's has a nearly 2 year old. I have seen this friend & her child once or twice a week since her child was born. But I haven't taken to her like I have with my other friend's children. There is nothing wrong with this little girl. She is a typical little toddler & very smiley. But I don't feel affection for her because she isn't attractive. (I am always very nice to her though). I haven't even spoken to my husband about this because I know that it is wrong. I am very fond of other friend's children & I love my own. Does anyone else feel like this or am I the only shallow one?

OP posts:

Cortina · 17/09/2010 16:37

True Spero but I observed those who were treated as 'attractive' often become confident going forward. Sometimes friendly smiles and adoration from others, when you are very young, gives you an easy charm and magnetism - you 'expect' a friendly response from others and guess what happens? I've seen it with the kids in my own family, those that are extra cute draw such a different response from the public.

My sister had teachers, bus drivers, etc telling her how cute she was and giving her stuff all the time. I was ignored trailing behind her. People often realise they did it. It's human nature I believe.

If being praised for your looks teaches you to value them too much it's not a good thing but I think often it can make you have more confidence. A lot happens at a subconscious level.

hmc · 17/09/2010 16:50

Cortina - it is so very sad but true.

Cortina · 17/09/2010 17:01

I think the OP is very typical, it's easier to be drawn to the obviously cute, gorgeous child over the wretched snotty, plain one unfortunately. It's human nature.

hmc · 17/09/2010 17:03

It is Cortina I agree - but I am with the poster who suggested that we ought to recognise this and overcome it. Over compensate if necessary!

curryfreak · 17/09/2010 17:07

I just find it odd that people are in denial about it.

Cortina · 17/09/2010 17:10

Agree completely, I am on a mission (I help out in school sometimes) to make sure anyone that looks like they are being excluded or unhappy has a smile, a wave and some special attention ). I know what it feels like :(

Back in my primary days there was a beautiful little girl, mini Cheyl Cole-alike, that was picked for the star part in every play and was worshipped by the staff and the children. Problem was she couldn't sing well (flat) so they got another child to sing for her in the wings when beautiful child was on the stage! This child was deemed too plain for the stage it seemed.

hmc · 17/09/2010 17:27

That's just pants!

I do a similar thing - if I am the parent on the rota for library, I take extra time chatting to the children not at the top of the popularity stakes. We had better watch it - someone will come along soon and brand us 'worthy' or 'holier than thou'

KaraStarbuckThrace · 17/09/2010 17:33

Cortina - yeah I was also an ugly child, short with fugly NHS glasses and a shitty hair cut (thanks mother )

It was shit. Even though I was far and away the best singer in my class I didn't get picked for the main roles in school plays except for the school nativity play when I played one of the three Magi - happily this play centre on their journey and so I sang most of the songs and had the most lines

Apparently lots of parents made a point of telling my teacher (who was absolutely wonderful) how good I was, but apparently most of them thought I was a boy (I was 10 atm).

PandaEis · 17/09/2010 17:35

princess i dont think many will agree with you sorry.

your post does sound shallow but i think you know that.

it is normal to not warm to some children but not nice if it is because they are not attractive

that said, i have a friend who has a son the same age as my DD and i really cant warm to him! he has quite an agressive nature and isnt really very 'likeable' IMO. he is a very cute blonde haired little boy but he hits my DD and has AWFUL tantrums over nothing so i cant bring myself to like him... some kids are just not easy to like by others...sad but true

edam · 17/09/2010 18:11

I think most children are cute - certainly far higher percentage of children are attractive than adults.

Seems reacting positively to an attractive person is a basic human trait - it's even related to pay (along with gender, height, sexual orientation - gay men are paid less, lesbians are paid more, no idea how that works and even left-handedness). But most of us at least try not to live down to those gut level responses.

Btw, being a noticeably attractive child or adult may not be a good thing in the long term. My mother was stunning when she was young but has seriously lost a lot of self-esteem since she hit middle age. She now thinks she's ugly. When, in fact, she just looks her age. The massive gulf between 'drop dead gorgeous centre of attention' and being in her 50s+ has done her self image some real damage.

Faaamily · 17/09/2010 18:14

You need to have a long, hard think about why you are so shallow.

hmc · 17/09/2010 18:14

I've often wondered about that edam - what it must be like adjusting if you were once jaw droppingly gorgeous.

edam · 17/09/2010 18:15

... and at the other end of the scale, my friend's son was quite an odd looking baby. I would never have dreamed of saying anything but it was noticeable - even his mother commented - especially because his sister two years older had been gorgeous from the start. Thing is, he grew into his looks and became just as gorgeous as his sister.

Issue then was they both ended up doing child modelling - friend had to put a stop to it when her boy was about five and worked out there was something special about his looks and telling everyone 'I'm a model, you know'.

Clumsymum · 17/09/2010 18:19

Hmm, This is a difficult one.

Firstly, there will always be people we just don't "take to" whether they are children or adults, and I don't see how you can make youself like someone if you just don't. As the OP says she is always nice to this little girl, then I think that is fair enough. She sees her failings and works to make sure the rest of the world doesn't.

On the whole business of attractive people doing better in life than those who aren't, well to a certain extent it will always happen, and I don't know how society ever get's over that. You can't really introduce legislation to stop discrimination against uggerly buggers, can you ??

piratecat · 17/09/2010 18:20

yes yabu to not 'take to' a child,

but it is true that there are some children who aren't particularly attractive.

edam · 17/09/2010 18:23

hmc, I'm not qualified to answer that question first hand and I bet you are merely being self-deprecating. BUT I am a bit wistful about having lost my good skin. I always had a lovely porcelain complexion, inherited from my Dad. Cheeks as smooth as a baby's and all that. It stayed all the way through to my late 30s then suddenly disappeared to be replaced by open pores and wrinkles, waaaaahh!

Thing is, I two younger sisters who both still have lovely complexions so they are constant reminders, the swines. (One of them is on here occasionally - she already knows I'm dead jealous. )

hmc · 17/09/2010 19:49

That is uncannily familiar - I was always told I had an English rose complexion and flawless skin! - and now it's also ravaged by time (and alcohol) in my case. Frown lines - and similarly, large open pores! I'm just waiting for the liver spots in another 10 years time

edam · 17/09/2010 22:29

Sisters under the skin - sort of!

(Smoking, in my case, oops.)

brassband · 17/09/2010 22:45

I think people are being harsh on the OP.It's not like she's made a conscious decision to 'not take to' the child, it's an involuntary,instinctive thing.We can't help our feelings!

sarinha2203 · 17/09/2010 22:57

Well of course sometimes we just don't take to a particular child for some reason just like we might not take to an adult, maybe personality clash etc...but the OP is clearly stating that it is because the said child is actually unattractive! Sorry still think it's shallow!

lurkermalurker · 17/09/2010 22:58

YABU and a bit of a twat. I worry that there are superficial people out there like you who judge people on there looks (even down to a little 2yo) and would allow this to affect you in anyway. How would you feel if this rather disgraceful character trait of yours was to be passed on to your children and they were going around in school ignoring or mistreating all the "ugly" kids.

Your "ugly" opinion of other people is rather shallow and I hope that one day a collective of stunning looking people look upon you in the same way. You may not think that people can sense it but I have to wonder if it was turned on you would it feel obvious.

CheerfulYank · 17/09/2010 22:59

YANBU! There's a particularly ugly little girl who DS insists on inviting over. Out of my own charity I do let her come but only after I've met her at the door to slap on some false eyelashes and a wig to pretty her up a bit. I also force her to run on my treadmill for awhile before I let her play with the other children...poor dear is so chubby.

brassband · 18/09/2010 13:06

But the OP isn't treating the Child differently, she seems to be very aware of her (involunary ) feelings towards this child and is making a conscious effort to not let it affect how she is with her.

thesecondcoming · 18/09/2010 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theincrediblesulk1 · 18/09/2010 18:37

Oh that's gross!

The symmetry of someones face really should not be holding weight with your affection.

Perhaps counseling should be a consideration.

How do you think you would feel if one of the "cute" kids you know were involved in an accident? Would they not be the same child if disfigured?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6