To not "take to" a friend's child because she isn't attractive

[princesstumble]

This isn't something I have spoken about to anyone because I feel pretty awful about it. One of my friend's has a nearly 2 year old. I have seen this friend & her child once or twice a week since her child was born. But I haven't taken to her like I have with my other friend's children. There is nothing wrong with this little girl. She is a typical little toddler & very smiley. But I don't feel affection for her because she isn't attractive. (I am always very nice to her though). I haven't even spoken to my husband about this because I know that it is wrong. I am very fond of other friend's children & I love my own. Does anyone else feel like this or am I the only shallow one?

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I find this very sad. It isn't normal to take a dislike to a child because you perceive them to be unattractive.

I can't stand this modern fixation on looks. The Dcs and I are just beautiful on the inside. DS2 is especially fetching though

I know someone who found it hard to take to her own child partly because she wasn't conventionally attractive. The mum was blonde, thin and very pretty, and she had a very dark haired, quite dumpy little girl who had a squint (which obviously could have been corrected later in life) who didn't look like her in the slightest. The little girl was a bit odd looking and didn't have that easy charming personality some toddlers have, and I saw the mum really struggling with the fact that she assumed she'd have a blonde cute moppet and clearly didn't. I don't think it stopped her bonding in the end, but it just made it harder for her as it challenged her assumptions about what type of child she'd have.

Meh, I think all other children look like trolls in comparison to mine. Some are not actual eyesores and it isn't their fault that they don't belong to me...

\link{http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=2.bp.blogspot.com/_r7fYyZH1L-Y/Ri5P-HWJorI/AAAAAAAAAFU/pZXZfWvQOfg/s320/ugly_baby2.jpg&imgrefurl=jewbiquitous.blogspot.com/2007_04_01_archive.html&usg=__GZv0NfJYwh7uzDrF8szbgh4T76M=&h=200&w=238&sz=28&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=CXLKctOIUUFAyM:&tbnh=145&tbnw=169&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dugly%2Bbaby%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26sa%3DG%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-GB:official%26biw%3D1408%26bih%3D946%26gbv%3D2%26tbs%3Disch:10%2C112&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=986&vpy=503&dur=2449&hovh=160&hovw=190&tx=114&ty=123&ei=fjWTTMfkMpm8jAfr_dG7BQ&oei=_DSTTPKsEcrvOYXU8YgJ&esq=4&page=1&ndsp=35&ved=1t:429,r:26,s:0&biw=1408&bih=946\this} is what happened when I googled "ugly baby"

see, I think that child is adorable looking

That baby is adorable! So squidgy and pink and I love the double chins. Ds2 has a triple chin, we call him fat neck.

Agreed, pagwatch :-) Maybe attractive was the wrong word, but i think finding somebody whether adult ot child attractive, pretty, cute or whatever the word you want to use is almost completely instinctive. You just cant help it imo anyway.

Oh I don't know Greensleeves! - however that baby is still worthy and deserving of lots of love

This cannot be serious how horrible

Praise be.

Glory in the highest

Well, you don't take to every adult you meet, do you, and you don't take to every child you spend time with either. I don't think it's weird to suggest that one reason might be you find some people a bit more appealing than others, looks-wise. I find most people either ok to look at or don't think about it, but I do meet the odd person over the years that I really don't like something about their face or the way they speak/move, it's often indefinable and not necessarily because they are bad-looking, you just personally don't like their look or find them annoying.

And I'm not above thinking that some people feel the same way about me!

It's not serious, the OP hasn't re-posted, just set the bomb and walked away.

Not just a troll, but a terror troll....

As long as your friend thinks the child is gorgeous thats all that matters. I dont think you are being very kind though!

IME ugly babies usually grow into stunning adults by the way.

I feel sorry for you. Perhaps you are deflecting your own 'ugliness' on a child. However, at least you are rightly ashamed of yourself...you should seek help.

How do you 'deflect ugliness' on to someone else? T'would be a useful super power to have though.

are you really saying you dont find a toddler pretty? my daughters pretty, shes beautiful in fact and my son is handsome, ive seen other young children and thought they are gorgeous, not in a sexual way but they are attractive, not in the same way as an adult but all the same

Because she is not attractive??? How shallow thinking is that??? YABU

Thomas, I think there will be a lot of us queuing up for help.

We can't help reacting more positively to attractive people - and 'attractive' usually means people with more symetrical features. This has been recognised since the Ancient Greeks, who mapped out the 'perfect' face, depending on where nose, mouth, eye etc were placed. I remember reading about some recent research that showed babies were more drawn to symetrical faces, from a very early age and showed a preference for looking at them.

I agree it is horrible to treat a child or anyone differently because you don't find them attractive. But to deny that we all make judgments based on attractiveness/non attractivenss is just plain weird and odd. You won't help your children cope with their differences by pretending they don't exist and that other people won't notice or care. Sadly, they often do and to claim otherwise is mawkish.

For those who doubt there can be an ugly child, they either live in unpopulated areas or don't go out much. Babies do all tend to look much alike but once they get to toddlering they have more distinctive features and more distinctive personalties.

yeah, there's also that thing where you are drawn to people who are similar levels of attractivness to yourself.
or something.
shut up lemony.

My friend's mother once said 'people are nicer to pretty children' and it was very true growing up. My golden haired cherub like friends got freebies in our local sweet shop and grew to be self assured and confident.

As a plain, ugly, awkward slightly strange child with odd hair and pasty skin with a permanently snotty nose I was a figure of hatred and fun and fair game for teachers, adults and children.

I saw the snide looks, raised eyebrows when they thought I couldn't see, sneers and laughs.

Guess what? Now I look pretty good, well above average and good for my age. Guess what too? I don't believe it and have low self esteem I have to fight on a daily basis.

I've always thought it's better to be an attractive child, you tend to have a self confidence that outlasts your looks.

But I bet you this friend's dd hasn't taken to the OP - perhaps the kid finds the OP highly unattractive.

I find the OP unattractive.

I remember reading a study which showed how children as young as two wanted to play with 'good looking' children more than 'not good looking' children. I don't know how rigorous the research was, but it does seem to be part of our genes.

However it seems that at this point in time it is not as useful to us. While defective looks may have indicated a health issue in a human being millenia ago and therefore that the person would not be a good mate, so much has been achieved medically that most health issues could be overcome. In fact intelligence or money making abilities would be far more useful in a partner. Maybe you should spend some time getting to know her and if she seemed to be the next Bill Gates you might find her more attractive.

weirdest thing about this thread is that those who dislike the op are showing their dislike by calling her 'unattractive' and betting she is ugly! Er....

sorry to hear that Cortina. But I am not sure it is better to grow up constantly praised for your looks. If that is the only thing you are taught to value, what happens as you age and become less attractive?

I think there is something very sick and wrong about a society which seems to be elevating phsyical attractiveness above all else, I am not sure what we do to counter this but I do think denying it is a real and common problem is not helping.