To not "take to" a friend's child because she isn't attractive

[princesstumble]

This isn't something I have spoken about to anyone because I feel pretty awful about it. One of my friend's has a nearly 2 year old. I have seen this friend & her child once or twice a week since her child was born. But I haven't taken to her like I have with my other friend's children. There is nothing wrong with this little girl. She is a typical little toddler & very smiley. But I don't feel affection for her because she isn't attractive. (I am always very nice to her though). I haven't even spoken to my husband about this because I know that it is wrong. I am very fond of other friend's children & I love my own. Does anyone else feel like this or am I the only shallow one?

YANBU, its the way you feel, you are honest about it and you know its wrong and feel bad about it. I'm not really a fan of many children but think all of my friends children are drop dead gorgeous to look at, but maybe that's because I love my friends so much.

One of DS's friends looks like a rat and I dislike him intensely... but that maybe because of his behaviour.

I don't think yabu. I took a violent dislike to a little boy in the supermarket a few months back. Don't know him, he was good looking, not about looks. There was just something really annoying about his walk and his voice.

I love kids, adore them. It made me very uncomfortable and shocked. I told my mother expecting a bollocking and she said not to worry, it happens to everyone at some point. Just in the same way you can take a dislike to an adult stranger on sight.

It's irrational, it does not mean i would ever see any harm done to the child/adult. Just one of those odd things.

Ok, Flame me now.

I think that to not take to a child purely because of how it looks is disgusting. I wanted to cry when I read your post. Poor child. I hope said child doesn't pick up on any negative vibes from you.
The only positive thing I can say in your defence is that you haven't, by word or deed, given any indication to anyone that you feel this way. Don't ever discuss this with a mutual friend in RL. This is something you should keep to yourself.

We won't always take to every person we meet, but this should be about character/behaviour, not about the appearance of a baby.

I simply cannot tolerate

Just you.

Dont believe this to be real. Rubbish troll.

However if we are discussing this...
I have discussions rucks with my bf and sister about this.

I maintain there is no such thing in the whole world as an ugly child. They disagree. They are wrong of course. My sister just thinks I am being all PC and Islingonty. My bf is an Eastender so she is just looking for a fight

I dont think kids are ugly, ever.

What is ugly. Someone with a deformed face? Thats not ugly, thats a disability/difference.

Prettiness doesnt last. I dont mean in years, I mean once you start talking to someone the prettiness fades very quickly if they are a bitch.

You're a cow.

HTH

That is horrid.

Shame on you, you are fucked up if you look at a toddler and see "unattractive". You are not supposed to find them attractive you idiot. They are kids.

Yuk.

I am sorry but that kind of op does smack a big fat TROLL. It is not something that i would admit to. Actually beauty is whithin, who finds a nasty child attractive, even though they might be pleasing to the eye,if they are horrid they are not attractive to me

YANBU

I've seen children who made me actually sick on myself. How embarrassing is that? I saw the child and then sicked on myself.

FFS

Bloody hell SK, thats shit
I hope the parent had the good grace to apologise for putting you in that position?

OP - yanbu. Its a visceral reaction and what matters is how you deal with it, you are doing the right thing in keeping it to yourself.

I do think there is such a thing as an ugly child - not that I think it matters, but in response to those who dont think there is - and I have reaised lately that the kids at school who I think are noticably unappealing to the eye (as opposed to just plain) actually look a bit ill in some way. So I do think - even with children - its an evolutionary prefernce for healthy people.

Thats slightly older children though, there has only ever been one very young child (1/2) that I found unpleasant looking. Shw is the daughter of a friend of a friend and I'd only seen her a few times, then there was a period of a couple of months when we spent quite a lot of time together and I discovered that this little girl was the happiest, smiliest little thing and I absolutely fell in love with her - I happen to think she is beautiful now, whather thats because she has changed physically or because I have a positive view of her I dont know.

I have problems with the op
as she is very unattractive

Funny how people are getting so riled. OP didn't say she had acted on her feelings or told anyone in RL. She said she makes an effort to be nice to the child; she knows it would be wrong to treat her differently because she isn't 'attractive' by op's standards.

I think she is just being honest. People - including children, including little tiny babies - are judged every day by lots of people on the way they look. Doesn't make it 'right'. but it happens.

What about the enormous and worrying rise in cosmetic surgery for very young women? They presumably aren't buying the pious line 'its your personality that counts'.

Phew. Thank you imarriedafrog. Was reading thread with increasing sense that I was in a alternative dimension.

I have seen some really ugly children in my time. Have I gone up to them and told them I think they are ugly? Have I informed their parents? No. Am I proud of myself for judging small children on being pretty or not? No. But I'm not ashamed either. It is quite normal.

Keep an eye open for the article in the paper next week - princesstumble is obviouly doing some "research"

mn open forum no one compelled to respond.so what if a journalist posts?the troll patrol J'accuse is lame

So, OP, what is it exactly that makes this child unattractive?

OP?.....OP?

Inner beauty is what counts.

Of course there are ugly children. I know lots of teachers and they tell me that some children are definitley more easy on the eye than others.
To treat them differently because of that is obviously wrong,but nobody is saying that, i fact i think most os us feel a little guilty thinking the way we do.
However, there is no denying that some children are more attractive than others. You'not fooling anyone by saying anything different.
There are i'm sure, also plenty of pretty children with ugly personalities.

I am not riled. I think it is good that she talks about these feelings. How else will we know who are the people that buy celeb magazines to admire Cheryl, sneer at women who have post baby fat, let their teenage daughters look like hookers, queue up for X factor to laugh at the fat girls.....
All top quality information

Of course some people are more easy on the eye. Of course we may be programmed to respond more positively to them. But the huge gift of being an intelligent person is that we can recognise that and encourage ourseleves to get a fucking grip

You're completely missing the point pagwatch.

Nobody is saying that it is right to judge people on their appearance, but that in real life that is what we do.
I really dont believe anyone when they say that they have never seen a child that they thought was ugly, or even plain

I find this idea very weird. I see many toddlers each day when doing the nursery run. I can honestly say it has never entered my head that anyone of them is more or less attractive than another one. I have thought 'unfortunate name' or 'why would you dress your child like that' but nothing about relative attractiveness has even flitted through my mind. What would the criteria be? Bad hair? Asymetrical face? Body proportions? A child isn't a mini adult - they have different body shapes and features. How do you judge attractiveness. I can sort of see how you might do the opposite and think that one child is particularly cute due to big doe-eyes or lovely skin colour but I don't see what would cause you to think a child is ugly.

I understand what you are saying curry but with respect I don't think I am missing the point.
I know we make judgements about people based on how they look as adults. Increasingly we place those judgements on children too. And people think of cute babies and beautiful babies - think ofthe old photo competetions in 1950s newspapers.

But Op is talking about liking a child less because she views them as unattractive.
I think it is hard to find unattractive children simply because we don't view children in the same way we view adults.

They are a blamk canvas, a work in progress and they have charms and irritations that do not apply to adults

I think we can dislike children because of the way they behave but I think making a single judgement based on how a child looks, deeming that as unattractive and then liking them less is a bit weird.
Actually using the word attractive inthe context of a child is a bit weird. Girls are cute, boys are bonny either are charming or sweet or impish. But attractive ? I don't view kids in those terms Not at age 2. Maybe young girls or boys start to get pretty or handsome but toddlers ?

The notion is odd to me.

We will have to disagree

Yeah but what about when they are just plug damn ugly?