to go straight to the Head about my concerns about HER?

[thedollyridesout]

DD has had a great first week at middle school, until this afternoon anyway. She came home off the bus very upset having been 'told off' by the Headmistress - let's call her Mrs Smith.

DD said that Mrs Smith shouted at her for pulling a face at a boy who got up and changed seats rather than have DD sit next to him. DD was not aware that she had done this until Mrs Smith bellowed at her something along the lines of 'you do not do that to another person young lady'.

DD was confused and mortified in equal measure. She feels that Mrs Smith was wrong to have spoken to her that way and the whole incident has tarnished her experience of her new school.

She can take very little pleasure in being Star of the Week or in breaking the Y5 long jump record and she certainly won't be striving for an award from the Headmistress. She would however accept an apology.

So am I mad to go and speak to the Headmistress about this? I would really appreciate some advice on how to handle things.

OK Greensleeves, I have no desire to get into an argument with you. Really.

I agree that being able to apologise to children is vital. I have shouted at my boys and been In The Wrong and have said sorry.

I'm not entirely sure that this is what this thread is all about.

This thread is about teaching our children that sometimes, sometimes life is unfair. Sometimes we, as adults, get passed over for a promotion, sometimes we'll make a mistake at work which means we'll be in for a bollocking - sometimes fairly, sometimes not; sometimes we'll have to just shrug and think "ok" and let it go. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes life is not fair.

This is such a small thing. Far better for the OP brush it off.

Just drop it with DD,don't go on about it...in the bigger picture of school life it really does not matter...the head will not and should not apologise...it'll be forgotten next week,sorry but again....get over it.

I feel the same Shirley, I have no desire whatsoever to fall out with you/anyone and am not sure why I got embroiled in this thread anyway

will jog on...

Agree with ShirleyKnot

Sensitive children need to gradually learn to be a bit more robust. I was one and yes, I would have taken the head's comments to heart.

However, no way on this earth would my parents extrapolate that my tender feelings had been crushed to the extent that I wouldn't put future effort into school work (can just imagine their reaction to that one!) and they certainly wouldn't expect an apology from the Head.

They might commiserate, say that does sound a bit unfair, give me the tools to deal appropriately with pesky pupil next time (telling a member of staff) and recognise these little things will happen and how you learn to cope with them helps shape the adult you will become.

She is willing to speak to the HT herself about the incident. Oh, did I forget to mention that she is also confident.

She has just thanked me for seeking advice about the issue on MN .

Am I the only one who thinks this is a colossal wind-up?

I was laughing out loud, thinking it was a pop at PFB parents and whiny brats.

You are bonkers! Your 'model kind caring DD' made a rude face at a kid anmd got told off for itand is falling apart.
.You are doing no favours being so precious with her,she needs to develop some resilience

I agree with greensleeves, people are taking the piss.
Quite frankly, if she is upset and you are upset, I'd go talk to this person. I really don't give a shit what is said about me in the staff room. I have a straight forward outlook on life, if someone upsets me or mine, I'll ask them why.
I wouldn't go in all guns blazing, I would speak to her calmly and ask her to justify what happened. Teachers and schools aren't the be all and end all, they have accountability just like anyone else.

But Dolly, you're not there are you?

We all have different facets to our personalities.

I expect you do.

I expect there is the Dolly who is with her girlfriends, old friends who knew her before family life - I expect you act in a certain "old dolly" way with them

I expect there is mummy Dolly

I expect there is wife Dolly

Maybe Work Dolly?

Maybe Dolly on her own?

I know that I am myself yet different with different people in my life and I am not naive enough to believe that the children, wonderful, respectful, caring, kind, loving as they are, aren't different once they get into a different group dynamic.

They are still my children, still loving and caring and etc, but they are also trying to fit in with their peers and learning about different sorts of authority.

Tis natural. You must let her go a little bit. It's hard. but you must.

And balls to 'helicopter parenting'! If your child is upset you need to support them. If you speak to the head and feel she is justified, you can help your child understand why.

You obviously think she's perfect and resent the fact that not everyone else thinks so. That's life.

I think this time leave it OP BUT be vigilent.

My DS was always the one blamed when something happened even when 2 kids involved. I put up, shut up and tried to encourage him to have the confidence to speak up politly. After nearly 2 years and an incident that had DS then 5 in tears for 2 hours after school (similar to the nipping incident OP mentioned above)and asking 'why do I get into trouble when me and .... were both doing something'. I approached the head who DID apologise and admit as DS sometimes did do PITA things deliberatly they were guilty of asuming he was always doing it. It stopped from that day.

Greensleaves you sound lovely want to teach my DS??

OP your DD does sound very sensitive which is fine some children are but she does need to learn, have support to look for the positives in things, eg star of the week etc or when something ACTUALLY devestating happens she'll struggle to cope.

Remind her Monday is a fresh week, fresh start.

Remind her

P.R.E.C.I.O.U.S

OP, thank goodness for mumsnet consensus! I agree with them too. I do think saying your daughter won't get over it is more because you are finding it hard. At that age even sensitive children will forget something in a week, unless it's brought up by their parents/ friends all the time. Doubt her friends will remember so that leaves you to remind her about it.

I think you are being (over) protective because she's started a new school, but your behaviour/ attitudes are actually going to cause her more harm. Please encourage her to respect her teachers rather than undermine their authority, to accept them as human (they make mistakes) but still in charge.

The situation could have and should have been handled differently.

'Could I please have a word with you at the front of the bus. It wasn't very nice of you to pull a face at so and so.'

'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't even realise that I had. I'll go and apologise to him, what's his name?'

My DD knows when and how apologise.

If she's 8, and a perfect human being as elaborated upon upthread...

...shouldn't she be in bed, not critiquing MN?

Dolly, were it not for the fact that I know your name and you have seemed otherwise sane,I would think you were making this up. Top marks for a good laugh though.

Surely a wind up! Surely!!

one particular teacher who shouted at my daughter for talking in class wouldnt then believe she was just asking the child next to her for help with a spelling well she couldnt ask a teacher could she most seem to be trained not to care .So the teacher then demanded to know which word it was it was a simple word but not for a dyslexic
I dont understand why someone above wrote your daughter seems spoilt or other people that you or your daughter are too sensitive I for one would like a world in which its okay for people to have feelings and schools had more teachers who were senssitive to others Unfortunately if you go into the school you might find depending on whose in
charge you might just be seen as an annoying mum Why do people wonder why young people are increasingly aggresive its because having feelings or caring is seen as soft to some extenct in this country now oh come on lets teach the children not to care cos thats the world thats waiting for them

Your DD has had a fantastic first week in her new school. IMO you should help her to recognise and celebrate her achievments, not allow her to reject her own achievments because she has been told off unfairly. Encourage her to relish and enjoy her success and dismiss the telling off for the 'blip' it is.

"I don't think she will get over it, I think that she will find the school to be lacking because of this."

Now, that's the sort of dramatic statement I would expect from a teenager or a precocious child. OP, you are an adult. Of course she will get over it.

Dolly,

Maybe the child who moved was also a sensitive child? Maybe that child has been plagued by bullying, maybe this, maybe that....

Honestly, this is such a small thing. Please try to let this go, and use this opportunity to explain to your much loved daughter that there are things in life which are NOT FAIR and that for her to decide that only an apology will make things right, is not likely, or reasonable and that she is a good girl, who is doing and well and to KEEP IT UP, DARLING!

Do you understand, or even acknowledge what I'm trying to say to you?

No, sorry, if she's such an exemplar of mature reasonableness qv. your post of 22:00, then she ought to be entirely capable of understanding that yes, if you pull rude faces at other students, you may well expect a sharp reprimand for doing so.

& should accept it & move on.

If I hadn't been a teacher for 10 years, I too would be thinking 'wind-up' - as it is, precocious children & helicopter parents ceased to astonish me years ago

I dont think YABU to be upset, nor is your DD. And the things you are saying sound quite right from where I'm sitting.
I remember clearly being bollocked by my geography teacher for forgetting a text book, when 3 others in the class had done the same and nothing was said to them, but I had done the same thing two weeks previously (the day after my grandmothers funeral) so I got shouted at big style in front of the whole class. Yes I felt humiliated, and I realised for the first time that my teacher was actually in the wrong and it really rocked me. I hated geography lessons from then on and lived in fear of forgetting something and being shouted at again.
It took me a year but I finally found the guts to knock on the staff room door and spoke to the geography teacher - she remebered very clearly what had happened, and I told her how I felt. She apologised, I felt a thousand times better about myself.
Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, most especially those who can't speak up for themselves.
OP I suggest that you speak to your daughter about what happened, and explain that the headteacher is just a person like any other, and sometimes people get things wrong. It doesnt make the headteacher a bad person, just human.
Sorry, V long post, but this one touched a nerve!

I agree despite what I PP DS does not find school lacking - I do but I have had to not let that show