in thinking some mothers could have more "me" time they just choose to be martyrs at the alter of parenthood and just love reminding you of it at every opportunity???!

[minxofmancunia]

Sorry, will prob get flamed and before I start i KNOW single mums don't have these opportunities, Iknow some women have shitty uncooperative partners who they can't leave/change...just a disclaimer.

DH commented to a mum yesterday who we know pretty well and said i was having a full day "off" for the first time in almost a year, ds 9(11m) has started nursery 3 days a week and I'm taking 2 weeks al prior to starting back at work 3 days a week so am having 6 days off although have lots to sort. However made no appointments.arrangements yesterday as I just wanted a day without ANYTHING. Next year when dd (nearly 4) starts school all AL will be taken up with school holidays etc.

She made some comment about me having "quite a lot of time to myself" having seen MiL in the park with dcs a couple of times. MiL has taken them out for a couple of hours maybe 4x this past year, I'm grateful clearly but it's hardly "a lot of time to myself".

She's also commented on how I do stuff for myself "all the time" she means evening stuff like gym yoga and going to theatre/cinema with friends and has said how she never does anything because she "can't". I've also been away overnight a couple of times leaving dh with the dcs. Her reason she "can't" leave her 2 (older) dcs with her dh as he won't look after them "properly" he might not "cope" . He's a capable adult male with a responsible career, he's able to cope she just doesn't bloody let him.

AIBU in thinking this is just one example of typical mummy martyrdom, the opportunity is there for her to do stuff she just because of her own stuff going on chooses not to. I've eveb dragged her out on a few nights out just to show her she can have a life. Her dh has even commented she never leaves her dcs alone and she could do with some time out, she's just CHOOSING not to!!

yy v annoying. some people enjoy being martyrs to the cause, and credit their OHs with no common sense.

Hmmm she is being unreasonable if she is moaning about her lack of time off and it is possible or if she is jealous of you.

BUT

I am a bit of a loser and actually didnt want too much time off really and still dont because Im a bit of a home body really since I had kids. I dont moan about it though because it is a choice in my case.

(I do see people just generally take ds (and at weekends, dh) with me!)

Fair enough theunmentioned that's your choice you like to be with your family all the time, I have no issue with that as you see it's a choice and I expect don't make barbed, loaded comments about other women and their frivolous lives!

Yes, I know someone who does this - complains that she never gets out/things aren't suitable for her kids that are arranged/life is so hard. But won't leave her DH to look after the children (even though he is perfectly capable), or go to things with them when offers are made to look after the children and she is asked to suggest suitable things

I think you don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and perhaps the DP really won't look after the children properly.

I can't see how she is commenting negatively on you. It is true that compared to her you have a lot of time to yourself. Why are you interpreting that as critical?

I know what you're saying MillyR and maybe it's not critical maybe more sad perhaps?

It's just one of a number of examples of women I know who can't seem to separate from their dcs, it's a shame, another mum I know is openly aghast when I mention nights out away etc. Sice her 1st ds was born she does literally nothng for herself again with the "can't cope" argument for her dh or that he might not "do it right". True he's abit anxious but he's capable of looking after her ds for a few hours on his own.

its a minefield. I don't have a lot of 'me time' unless you count me frivolously being on MN at the moment whilst dd1 watches Cbeebies and dd2 naps in the bathroom! The way i see it, it's down to geographical distance of my parents, and emotional and geographical estrangement from inlaws, as well as my slightly controlling personality and not trusting dh to do things 'properly'. Also, he's at work/travelling to and from work from 7am-6pm weekdays, and has a lot of work to do from home the rest of the time. We live in the middle of nowhere and don't know any babysitters. That said, a few neighbours did make me kind offers when we first moved here 2 years ago which i stupidly turned down.

I take a lot of time for myself, I gym and swim and have nights out.

Agree that some people seem to almost enjoy their role as put upon mother. That is up to them.

I am a person as well as a mother and need time alone in my head.

I don't mind a bit whether someone wants to be with their dcs 24/7 or not. But I agree, someone who choses never to leave them and then adopts a martyrish and superior air about it - that's annoying.

YABU, I think some Mothers have too much 'me time' and don't spend enough time with their kids.
Some people actually enjoy looking after children and aren't just ticking off the hours til their 'me time' starts!

But that's the thing, Framey, nobody minds their enjoyment of time with children. Wha we object to is their not-enjoying it and being all martyred about it.

Martyrdom in any situation is very annoying.

sweetbeadie i take your point but it's not just to do with gps, we do have some help maybe babysitting every few weeks and MiL comes over occassionally but we don't have overnights, childminding or weekends away.

My "me" time is not with my dh as babysitters are too £££££ on a regular basis.

Maybe you should take your neighbours up on their kind offer!

I wonder what you think of me framey with my 2 weeks off with ds in nursery?! I just needed some head space and time out before starting back in a VERY demanding and hectic job after a year off.

I don't know. I think it's a hard one. I put DD in the canteen for lunch today, thinking I'd have a day to myself, but DSS1 has a three-hour break in the middle of the day and is coming home for lunch. There goes my day on my own lying on my bed doing beauty treatments getting on with things .

I take plenty too. bit homely at mo due to pg but normally gym swim shopping lunch or dinner and cinema etc. me n dh go to Brighton twice a yr to party etc. intend to carry on with that.
Also ''gently '' encourage ds to move along around 19 to 20yrs old or else I felt like I was still picking up for 3 adult males.they tried to do their bit but still more work for me extra shopping etc. theyd do own washing but leave in machine...anyway I severed the cord guilt free!

Avril could you leave dd with your dp and do stuff? Shoppoing on your own is a treat i find after having dcs and going to the gym??

I do spend my "me" time doing stuff with mates but also quite a lot of it alone but that's because I enjoy being alone.

Also Avril is there any way you could get out to meet other people not just mums?? Join a book group perhaps, through work (or maybe do a few hours work part time if you can)?

What theunmentioned said.

But agree she sounds annoying! I know lots of mums who "DO" stuff or whatever. I spent a lot of my earlier years (pre kids) "DOING" stuff and now, just don't really want to, so would never ever criticise someone who did. It's my choice. My DH finds it strange, but it's just how I am. I spent 38 of my 40 years charging at high speed, juggling a lot of balls, doing everything under the sun. Now I just want to be here and I love it, and being martyrish about it would not even occur to me.

But good for you OP, sounds like you have a good balance and if you like it, then rock on! She is petty and jealous, ignore.

She is BU to make any comments about you or your "me time". It's none of her business anyway. YABU to imply that mothers who spend a lot of time or all their time (though the latter is impossible) with their children are being martyrs.

I don't take much "me time" by choice, my dh is quite capable of looking after our children, but I am not a martyr thank you very much. Tbh I don't think many mothers, or fathers, give a damn about how much time other parents spend with or away from their children. You both need to do the same.

YANBU and it's a strange reflection upon the relationship if they won't "hand over" to the partner. :(

megapixels no one is suggesting that everyone who wants to spend most or all of their time with their children is a martyr. If it's what you want and you enjoy it, fine. The problem is when people do it when they obviously hate it, but refuse to let anyone help, then complain about it.

I don't know anyone like this, but could easily fall into the trap myself. I don't get much opportunity for time alone at all and sometimes, yes, I do resent that. However I would never make anyone else feel as though they were an inferior parent because they take more time out than I do. I might think "lucky them", but in a nice way, not a jealous way.

I can't bear people who moan about their kids being hard work, especially if they have more than one.
Of course you can't do all the things you used to do but they are replaced by other amazing experiences

Feeling sad for the father who isn't expected to "cope" with his own children. I think some women forget that they have learnt their child rearing skills through trial and error, yet they are unwilling to let the dad learn in the same way.

i know someone like this, has a partner but never goes out or does anything on her own because she thinks only she can look after the children

and never ever does anything without her kids, even though she could if she wanted to...i think its important to have a life apart from your kids.

and i wonder what frameymcframe would think to me - me and DP are selfishly going abroad for a week and leaving the kids at their GPs, regularly have nights out and sometimes weekends away, and sometimes even farm the kids out for the night just so we can have lotsofsex a lie in :o