in thinking some mothers could have more "me" time they just choose to be martyrs at the alter of parenthood and just love reminding you of it at every opportunity???!

[minxofmancunia]

Sorry, will prob get flamed and before I start i KNOW single mums don't have these opportunities, Iknow some women have shitty uncooperative partners who they can't leave/change...just a disclaimer.

DH commented to a mum yesterday who we know pretty well and said i was having a full day "off" for the first time in almost a year, ds 9(11m) has started nursery 3 days a week and I'm taking 2 weeks al prior to starting back at work 3 days a week so am having 6 days off although have lots to sort. However made no appointments.arrangements yesterday as I just wanted a day without ANYTHING. Next year when dd (nearly 4) starts school all AL will be taken up with school holidays etc.

She made some comment about me having "quite a lot of time to myself" having seen MiL in the park with dcs a couple of times. MiL has taken them out for a couple of hours maybe 4x this past year, I'm grateful clearly but it's hardly "a lot of time to myself".

She's also commented on how I do stuff for myself "all the time" she means evening stuff like gym yoga and going to theatre/cinema with friends and has said how she never does anything because she "can't". I've also been away overnight a couple of times leaving dh with the dcs. Her reason she "can't" leave her 2 (older) dcs with her dh as he won't look after them "properly" he might not "cope" . He's a capable adult male with a responsible career, he's able to cope she just doesn't bloody let him.

AIBU in thinking this is just one example of typical mummy martyrdom, the opportunity is there for her to do stuff she just because of her own stuff going on chooses not to. I've eveb dragged her out on a few nights out just to show her she can have a life. Her dh has even commented she never leaves her dcs alone and she could do with some time out, she's just CHOOSING not to!!

FrameyMcFrame "What a luxuary to take a week off and send your kids to daycare while you swan around doing fuck all."

Indeed, it is most excellent.

Doing something just like that this weekend!

rofl @ morloth

oh yeah that reminds me, this weekend I am going out drinking in town with my girlfriends while Dp babysits.

(and your weekend away sounds lovely, have a fab time :) )

Framey - you've just summed up most elequontly (sp?) the real mummy martyr attitude .... I like time without my DH and DS and most of it spent doing voluntary work in the community - including organising events for other people's kids so I hardly think that is 'f* all'. I just don't see the need to be tied to my DH and DS ALL the time. Why is it so wrong to have some other interests in life?

I hate this new term 'Mummy Martyr'

So now you're not even allowed to moan about the fact that caring for children is hard work?
Unless you can afford to have your 'me time' down the gym or in the beauty salon or on holiday you're a martyr?

It all comes down to money yet again!

Oh great, so now I'm a Mummy Martyr too Ragwort?

I haven't even complained about how hard looking after my kids is yet...

There is a difference between not being able/not wanting to have time to yourself and having the resources to do so but still choosing to act like you don't because you wish to win the Mummy Olympics.

I am the first to say that looking after kids is very hard work (and I only have one) - which is exactly why I need time out to do my own thing - sorry, didn't mean to sound offensive in my last post Farmey, I think this is an interesting discussion.

My kids are definitely hard work. I will totally moan about that.

That's why I escape the house whenever possible. I go to a weekly knitting group, and I usually go do something on a weekend day, as well.

My husband does not do things entirely to my satisfaction, of course, but of course he's able to care for the children.

Well I actually went to the hairdressers today for by bi-annual hair sort out. I was planning to get a sandwich on my way back but felt too guilty having left DS with Grandma for 2 hours already.
I also went to town yesterday and spent money on myself, usually I only manage to buy things for the kids.

That probably makes me a Mummy Martyr, and I also enjoy a good moan...

'Unless you can afford to have your 'me time' down the gym or in the beauty salon or on holiday you're a martyr?'

I don't go to the gym (can't afford it) and I go to get my eyebrows waxed once every six weeks or so - and holiday is once a year for a week - usually camping. But 'me time' doesn't have to be any of hose things. It can be a bath (with the door locked, and no-one banging on it to come in), or a chance to read a book, or having a haircut or a phone conversation. Or sometimes, the chance to think a thought (or two) from start to finish without interruption.

But why feel guilty? I don't get it.

me neither Morloth... I can't imagine loving DS more, but I also can't imagine feeling bad about wanting my own time and space to be an adult. However whilst pregnant this time (so unable to get pissed) I have noticed I don't farm DS out nearly as often . I fear he may make the connection when normal service has been resumed!

You felt guilty leaving your ds with his grandma for 2 hours??

It's not to do with money, by the way Framey - I'm a single parent that works full time, and I'm always skint - but I find a way to get some time to myself too, whether that be the odd night out on the lash, banishing the dc to bed early, or an occasional night away with someone nice

It's just a case of whether you want to or not.

Just to clarify i have dd nearly4 and ds nearly 1, not 9ds!!!! F**king hell, i don't think i'd be able to do the gym my pelvic floor would be shattered!!!

Mrsruffalo i've never never understood the moan about how hard your 1 dc is seem to gain no pleasure or enjoyment from life looking after them but devote every single second to them but then go on to have 1, 2 or 3 more, why????? So you can martyr yourself all over again? I moan about my dcs believe that's why I know 2 is my absolute limit, and selfishly 2 dcs still allows for me to do my own thing, i'm not sure 3 would so much especially when the youngest was a baby.

Well I've had a very "swanning" day to day whilst both dcs have been in childcare (just to remind framey and zazen that it's AL I'm taking, AL i've earnt through working, if I was a SAHM there's no way they'd be in daycare, although if we won the lottery then of course I'd take a couple of days a week to myself! who wouldn't!). Went to the Gym for 2 hours then had lunch in gym cafe, then went present shopping for dds 4th birthday (so MUCH less stressful than a frantic dash round the trafford centre the night before or dragging ds round in his buggy) then bumped into a friend and sat outside a cafe with a bagel and a latte. Fabulous!

FWIW it's not to do with just family availability, my family visited once a week for a couple of hours after both dcs were born, my mum didn't stay to help me or offer to take dd for a bit when ds was born. We've had 3 nights "off" in 4 years for wedding and one anniversary when they've grudgingly had dd overnight but texted earlt doors the next day to get her asap despite the plan being to get her in the pm. So i've had to drive 45 miles prob over the limit with a raging hangover to get her so we don't bother anymore, it's not worth it. My close friend has very very kindly offered to stay at ours with both dcs overnight for our 5th anniversary whilst we go to a hotel an hour away somewhere. DH tried to book Barcelona but my sister basically refused to have them for 2 nights despite agreeing to a couple of months ago.

I know what I've written is more than some people get but in our friendship group it's less than most, quite a few couple we know get weekends away every 6 weeks or so and go on holidays etc. So i've felt a bit jealous and resentful too, but I just plan to do stuff with mates, or alone. DH doesn't so much because he doesn't need to. He likes being at home when not at work and looknig after dcs all the time. But saying that he's not a martyr, he does it cheerfully!

Dh and I don't have 'spare' money. We haven't been on holiday since our honeymoon 7 years ago. We still both get me-time though. Dh knows when I need it (subtle hints like me sitting on the sofa screaming "if I don't get a break from these bloody kids they're going through the window" tend to help him work it out ). He has the kids while I have a bath, lie down, go to a friend's etc. At weekends my friends and I go to each other's houses, bunk the kids up in various beds and get slaughtered while bitching about men/kids/life. Fabulous! I also still put ds (4yrs) in his room for 2 hours while dd has her lunch sleep. He plays happily up there while I sit on my butt clean the house in peace.

I don't know why I feel guilty, I just do.
I've always been like this ever since DD was a baby (she's 9 now).

Maybe it's because I was a fairly irresponsible person when I got pregnant with Dd (always out partying and so forth),and I always thought I would be a terrible Mother, so I had to work extra hard to compensate.

I of course was a paragon of virtue before having children and view myself as an excellent mother indeed.

You are mostly likely an excellent mother as well Framey. I would have had my hair done, wandered around the shops for a bit, sat down to a proper lunch with some wine and then gone home all chilled out. (Assuming of course that your babysitter was OK with the longer time).

DS1 seems spectacularly unaffected by my selfish ways and is in fact begging to go to bed right now so the morning comes faster and we can go to the hotel with the kid's club (have been there before).

yanbu- I LOVE my me-time. I also love time with dd but I need balance!

But having some time to yourself doesn't make you irresponsible - in fact, imo, it makes you a better mother. Because that bit of time out that you take lets you enjoy the time with the dc that bit more, instead of them just driving you to the edge of rage

Whoah Minxy - I'm not counting your days 'off' or whatever you call it - you seem very well able to keep track of all the time in your life when you were chasing something. A martyr to the chase

MorrisZapp Thu 09-Sep-10 13:34:48
Zazen must be joking.

why Morris? Have you ever tried meditating with your children? Meditating when feeding them, emptying the dishwasher, flossing your teeth. It's nice. Give it a whirl!

I find we are most devoted to the lives we don't have.

Maybe it's time to live the lives we have and to start where we are.

I think that having time to yourself makes you a much better parent! Everyone needs a break to recharge their batteries. I am very surprised that people have a partner that they don't trust with their own DCs!! I was fully happy for DH to have them on his own from the start-we both learned by trial and error. It is very sad for the parner not to be on his own with them.
Equally it is lovely for grandparents to have the DCs on their own without mother hovering.
I found babysitters by advertising, asking around and joining a babysitting circle.
It isn't irresponsible-it is a good example to the DCs that everyone needs interests and hobbies and friends outside the home.

Yes everyone needs a break piscesmoon but how do we define a 'break' is it 2 hours off to go shopping once in a while or a weeks holiday abroad without the kids twice a year?

Most people do get a break from their kids every day when the kids go to bed (unless they have to then go to work )

I think that everyone is different. A lot of people take the DCs on holiday and then leave them in holiday clubs-no different really.
I wouldn't want to go away twice a year but a weekend away with just DH is lovely-especially when PIL can just come to our house and know how routines work etc.
I think the point is that if you shouldn't moan that you never get a break-there are ways of making sure that you do (even without family near).

I thought OTTMummA's post was excellent - I had a friend who used to be very like this, she'd been abused as a child and was terrified that she wouldn't be a good mum, then she had a really traumatic birth and her way of coping with the anxiety was to spend every waking moment with the baby. She would moan about how terrible she was feeling to her DH, but as soon as he tried to help she felt threatened so would just start to criticise, so he stopped doing as much...when she got pregnent again she knew she had to get help so they got some therapy and now they are much happier parents, sharing all the work.

I am a SAHM and I moan about my three kids all the time- DD3 isn't sleeping etc...

I also run and exercise three times a week and am doing another degree. I moan about these things too.

Am just a moany cow. Some people are