in thinking some mothers could have more "me" time they just choose to be martyrs at the alter of parenthood and just love reminding you of it at every opportunity???!

[minxofmancunia]

Sorry, will prob get flamed and before I start i KNOW single mums don't have these opportunities, Iknow some women have shitty uncooperative partners who they can't leave/change...just a disclaimer.

DH commented to a mum yesterday who we know pretty well and said i was having a full day "off" for the first time in almost a year, ds 9(11m) has started nursery 3 days a week and I'm taking 2 weeks al prior to starting back at work 3 days a week so am having 6 days off although have lots to sort. However made no appointments.arrangements yesterday as I just wanted a day without ANYTHING. Next year when dd (nearly 4) starts school all AL will be taken up with school holidays etc.

She made some comment about me having "quite a lot of time to myself" having seen MiL in the park with dcs a couple of times. MiL has taken them out for a couple of hours maybe 4x this past year, I'm grateful clearly but it's hardly "a lot of time to myself".

She's also commented on how I do stuff for myself "all the time" she means evening stuff like gym yoga and going to theatre/cinema with friends and has said how she never does anything because she "can't". I've also been away overnight a couple of times leaving dh with the dcs. Her reason she "can't" leave her 2 (older) dcs with her dh as he won't look after them "properly" he might not "cope" . He's a capable adult male with a responsible career, he's able to cope she just doesn't bloody let him.

AIBU in thinking this is just one example of typical mummy martyrdom, the opportunity is there for her to do stuff she just because of her own stuff going on chooses not to. I've eveb dragged her out on a few nights out just to show her she can have a life. Her dh has even commented she never leaves her dcs alone and she could do with some time out, she's just CHOOSING not to!!

I spent entire summers at my grandparents. Was awesome.

When DH and I go away without DS1 and I call him ready to soothe his anxieties, he can't get me off the phone quick enough because he has better things to be doing.

He knows he is loved deeply, he knows that short of actual death we will always come back, and he knows we would never leave him with people we didn't trust.

I am not just someone's mum, I am still the same person as before I had kids, I just have another element now, but it isn't the only one.

I wouldn't have been prepared to have a DC with someone that I wasn't 100% confident could manage if I went out for the day! The mother and father are equal parents-or should be.

It certainly is different strokes for different folks.

I have one close friend that puts her kids in daycare to go out and have fun shopping and another friend who won't let anyone else look after her children.

I don't judge either of them, or want to label them martyr mummy or yummy mummy or whatever bollocks term. Some people are just more naturally cautious with their kids, others are more confident about letting go!

"I wouldn't have been prepared to have a DC with someone that I wasn't 100% confident could manage if I went out for the day! The mother and father are equal parents-or should be."

Quite. If you're in a position where one of you can't go away for work (or pleasure) for a few days while the other looks after your children. If you're in a position where one of you can't take your children to an event the other isn't interested in (sport, music, theatre), even a few days away, you're not equal parents.

Worse, of course, the sort of mothers who don't trust their partner with their children also tend to erect elaborate rituals around childcare (routine, meals, food) which mean that going out as a family has to be planned with military precision. "Let's nip into London, go to a museum, find some lunch" turns into the D Day landings, with hospitals on standby and spotter planes checking the weather an hour in advance. She won't let him do it on his own, and she makes doing it jointly so complex (because she has to impress on him just how difficult everything is with children) that he gives up. Madness.

Loving this thread!!

Favourite line so far, courtesy of PuddlePuss subtle hints like me sitting on the sofa screaming "if I don't get a break from these bloody kids they're going through the window"

I know one of those mums, when she heard that I left my DS EVERY saturday with my DH while I toddled off to work she nearly had a coronary, although wasn't bothered about the other 3 days when I left him with my mum

I think it's great that DH got to spend time with his baby without my looking over his shoulder . Even now our children are pre-schoolers she still won't join us on nights out

My parents have been taking my DD almost every week for 1 night, since she was few months old- started when we were doing some DIY to our flat and needed to move out for a fortnight, then sort of stuck...
I feel privileged that they have time to spend with her, despite fact they both still work and she loves going there (now 2 and a half)
Have never ever had any negative comment from any fried about this, only from wannabe Earth Mother who lives opposite me and who curls her nose up at practically all my parenting 'cock-ups' anyway :-)
Thing is, now DD has started at nursery 3 whole days a week, can honestly say that our rather uncommon arrangement going to parents has come in very useful- she is unclingy when it comes to me, settles well and is able to understand that I'm always going to come back and get her- she's also never cried when I've gone away
Perhaps leaving your kids with trusted relatives from when they are very young (if you are lucky enough to be able to) actually makes them better-adjusted and able to cope in situations like nursery too
Babies grow up and turn into adults one day- Earth Mother would much rather they stayed babies forever and I suspect that many bitter, resentful remarks made by women stem from this too- maybe they're just bloody terrified that one day their mummy role will be gone and they'll have no more purpose!

fried= friend hmm

Mrsruffalo- I often complain my kids are hard work (not to them). This doesn't mean I don't love them or want them or that this isn't the happiest I have ever been in my life. I am only human and I'm not going to pretend its effortless or easy.

Expressing that parenting can be hard doesn't equal ingratitude or regret.

Oh, dear - I fear I am a Mummy Martyr. Never get to escape those darn kids...

BUT - I am not one of those martyrs described so eloquently above. They were out in force at the Riverford Organic Vegetables Open Day (don't ask). The mothers sporting pained faces: their offspring plastered in sun cream, the anxious trot towards improving activities... and the husbands loping behind ready to hurtle back to the car in order NOT TO BREAK THE ROUTINE.

Think alot of people are very keen to judge others when they have no idea of all the facts, great you have time to do stuff for yourself, good on you, don't have a downer on those who don't.

I take every opportunity I can to have time to myself or to socialise without my children. I really couldn't give a toss what others think of that. I have been flamed alive on MN in years gone by for admitting to leaving my firstborn with my mum when he was 3 weeks old so I could go out and have a drink/dance, or to going to New York for five days with DH when first baby was 4 mths old. Oh well. We're a happy family, and that's all that matters.

I don't judge people who want to spend every waking hour with their children, though. Their choice. Wouldn't be mine (I would probably have jumped off a bridge by now), but hey, horses for courses and all that.

Well said EleFun, I don't think anyone can judge others, each to their own!

I have a friend who is a shocking martyr even though she gets lots of support from her dh, loads of extra lie-ins and naps, hasn't worked for ages (has just started back part time), has a cleaner, multiple relatives who help out and still the eternal whingeing of being sooooo tired and never having time to do anything. (I notice a yoga mat, tennis racquet and various other activity-related stuff lying about very regularly).

This is another category I guess - one who does get loads of time but really thinks she doesn't.

I just smile quietly to myself and remember that it's all a matter of scale. And then quietly seethe because she has such an easy time of it compared to most of our mutual friends yet isn't sensitive enough to realise that. Hey ho.

I agree with you minxofmacunia. I have just had a bad couple of weeks because I fell into a rut of martydom and was being a maniac about housework, childcare etc... I have a wonderfully supportive DH who does a lot of housework and childcare. He encourages me to go out and get some "Me" time and often takes the children - DS1 3 yrs and DS2 4 months with him for a few hours just so I can have time on my own.

I think it is important and easy enough to make some time for yourself. It only takes a few mins to do something like manicure your nails in the evening, or have your eyebrows tidied etc.