in thinking some mothers could have more "me" time they just choose to be martyrs at the alter of parenthood and just love reminding you of it at every opportunity???!

[minxofmancunia]

Sorry, will prob get flamed and before I start i KNOW single mums don't have these opportunities, Iknow some women have shitty uncooperative partners who they can't leave/change...just a disclaimer.

DH commented to a mum yesterday who we know pretty well and said i was having a full day "off" for the first time in almost a year, ds 9(11m) has started nursery 3 days a week and I'm taking 2 weeks al prior to starting back at work 3 days a week so am having 6 days off although have lots to sort. However made no appointments.arrangements yesterday as I just wanted a day without ANYTHING. Next year when dd (nearly 4) starts school all AL will be taken up with school holidays etc.

She made some comment about me having "quite a lot of time to myself" having seen MiL in the park with dcs a couple of times. MiL has taken them out for a couple of hours maybe 4x this past year, I'm grateful clearly but it's hardly "a lot of time to myself".

She's also commented on how I do stuff for myself "all the time" she means evening stuff like gym yoga and going to theatre/cinema with friends and has said how she never does anything because she "can't". I've also been away overnight a couple of times leaving dh with the dcs. Her reason she "can't" leave her 2 (older) dcs with her dh as he won't look after them "properly" he might not "cope" . He's a capable adult male with a responsible career, he's able to cope she just doesn't bloody let him.

AIBU in thinking this is just one example of typical mummy martyrdom, the opportunity is there for her to do stuff she just because of her own stuff going on chooses not to. I've eveb dragged her out on a few nights out just to show her she can have a life. Her dh has even commented she never leaves her dcs alone and she could do with some time out, she's just CHOOSING not to!!

look, some people just find it harder to let go than others, doesn't mean they're martyrs - you've both obviously got completely different personalities and by the sounds of it you find it easy and it is integral to you being you. Some people need more time, maybe she's just using her dp being "useless" as an excuse.

Or maybe she just disapproves of your lifestyle in which case ignore it. Why don't you ask her what she thinks?

I think there is something seriously wrong if a mother can't trust the father of the children to look after them properly. In most cases I suspect it's more a case of not looking after them in the way she wants them looked after. Not the same thing.

And yes, in certain cases, I think you are right.

If you want time out, you make it happen if at all possible.

Yep Mummy Martyrs - complete pain in the arse.

Did you write Ds 9 in your OP? As in, your 9th DS? No wonder you don't have much spare time!

Minx - YANBU - what an annoying friend!!

There's a name for that - Masochistic Personality.

But we can't take time out of our lives really?
Where do you go to get time out... or me time... Another planet? another identity? a coma?

Surely you are in the middle of your time right now?

Of course you have to stay fit, eat, be with friends... but is it important to get rid of the kids to do it?

How about a few breaths meditating throughout your day for transcendent time...

Why do you have to stop living your life to grasp at some 'me' time?

I don't consider that it is of any benefit to anyone to dump your kids to chase a 'me' life.

That's just an ego trip, literally.

Sorry for the frivolity. :)

I agree with Orm - if you can't trust the father of your child to look after that child then something has gone very wrong somewhere.

I need time to myself, literally, all alone.
otherwise i end up miserable.
When i had my DS i found myself in a catch 22 situation, i loved him so much i didn't trust anyone else to have him so did it all myself, (SHUNNED DH'S EFFORTS) but at the same time felt like i had this huge responsability on my shoulders that i wanted to be helped with and have some time to myself.
I deluded myself into thinking i was a superior mother because my life was just DS, but was at the same time jealous of some mothers who could easily and seemingly guilt free hand over their children to family, childcare etc.

I ended up with PND and eventually psychotic depression, anxiety and OCD.
Im pretty sure most of this was down to me not asking for help, not knowing how to ask, and believing i shouldn't be anything except a mother, putting myself 2nd,, 3 rd etc.

Now My DS is in nursery, i work full time, my DH works full time, and we both have at least one day each away from everyone.
Because of my working hours, i don't drop DS off, that bit is all DH's responsibility now, and TBH i feel like im gradually getting back to happy instead of dreading each day.
Time away from everyone has made me happier, calmer, and more rational, and this can only make me a better mummy :)

OTTMummA

I don't think PND is caused by looking after a baby - it's hormonal. Don't blame your behaviour of loving your little babe for your mental illness.

Knowing your own limitations is very important, and being respectful of your self and needs is part of that respect.

Have you tried meditating? Meditating with your kids? It's very nice!

Agree some mums seem to get more separation anxiety than their children. The threads on how "traumatic" your kid starting school is shows this attitude up. Our kids starting school was an exciting positive time, some mums make it sound as though they are entering a concentration camp or monastry or something.
I also don't get women who moan that because they have no local family they "can't" go out with their husbands. Paying babysitters or swapping babysitting sessions with a friend in the same boat isn't considered as they can't "leave" precious poppet with anyone except them.

I think fine if you choose to live like this, but I don't think it's a healthy attitude that should win you a medal for self sacrifice as these women are doing what they want to do as much as women who choose to go out without their kids sometimes.

oh cant stand mummy martyrs, i get plenty of me time and i am a single parent so there is no excuse for someone who has a partner to not take time out for themselves

I don't know - maybe its the "going on about it" that is the problem, but I do find it tough sometimes...

its not as easy as just saying "your jealous", but I guess I am a little. I remember standing sobbing watching my "across the road" neighbour's Mum being there all the time when her baby was born, and my mum lived 100 miles away and came up once a fortnight or so...

I do find it difficult to go out in the evenings, my DH works long hours, and whilst I could I'm sure go out to the cinema etc it would get difficult. He also often works abroad and I can't arrange anything in the evenings then.

I do think women who have family close enough, or DH's whose hours are reliable enough to go to evening classes, or the cinema and the gym and the beautician are very lucky...

I'll confess my prickles go up everytime I see someone on Freecycle asking for a cot or a pram or a highchair "for my grandchildren when they come to stay" or "for my neices and nephews" when they come to stay, and I guess it is pure jealousy.

Mrsruffallo made a good point and one I am usually afraid to make myself on here - about the parents of more than one kid.

If you say something like 'Ooh there's a new film out do you fancy it' and they snarl at you in utter anger about how impossible that would be as they have TWO KIDS or THREE KIDS or whatever.

I wouldn't dream of saying it but I think to myself, didn't you notice how hard the first one was before you went back for more.

I know. I'm horrid.

Zazen, it's not 'getting rid' of the DCs or 'dumping' them when a parent wants to have some time to themselves!! Jesus. Are you for real?!

I recently took an adult education course that ran for 30 Saturdays. Sure I felt a bit guilty about it, about being away from the kids and getting DH to look after them. It meant our weekends were tied up from September to June and that part of it was a bit of a pain. Having said that, I felt so much better - I was getting to do something creative that I loved and it made me happy. That's not to say that I don't enjoy being with my children, but it was really nice to be a person and not just a Mummy. And I think it's important for your children to see you making time for yourself - they will learn a lot from that.

Before this though, I didn't really do much outside the home and that was my choice - especially when I just had the one child. It was partly down to me being a nervous mum and if I'm honest I was anxious (OK and maybe just a bit controlling) about leaving DD1 with her Dad (though I look back on it now and wonder why).

But I do know people who do play 'martyr' now. And I think that it possibly (but maybe not in all cases - like someone mentioned above - we don't know what goes on behind closed doors) is to do with being a little controlling, but rather than admit that, they make judgements about other people 'having me time' because justifies their own behaviour and makes them feel better.

There's nothing worse than the whiff of burning martyr, though, is there?

Zazen must be joking.

On one hand, YANBU - mummy martyrs annoy me too,

BUT just to give another side to the story, my mum had to give up work when I was small because my dad really couldn't cope with me. He had major mental health issues at the time. And I'm lucky my mum chose to put me first. So, we can never know the full story of someone else's relationship.

snort @ How about a few breaths meditating throughout your day for transcendent time...

love it

YANBU Minx! I can't stand the martyrdom. Its self obsessed and dull. I love DS to the depths of my very being but that hasn't changed the fact that I still thouroughly enjoy lots of things that it would wildly irresponsible, illegal or impossible for him to join me in.

Also, as wonderful as he is, he is 7 so therefore wildly infuriating sometimes ( I am sure he feels the same way about me fairly often) I am sure the same will be true of DC2.

I also can't see how I would maintain a full, adult relationship with DP if all we had to discuss was children and we spent all of our time with them. I like to think of our life being mine and DPs party with the children being adored and longed for guests.

I would love to know what all those DHs who can't be trusted to look after their own children really think? What would happen if one of these mummy martyrs dropped down dead? I was very conscious from almost day 1 of being a parent that it was essential to bring my DS up to be independent - of course my DH is perfectly capable of looking after his own DS (actually he is a far better parent than I am ) it is so insulting to assume that a child's father cannot look after his own children.

My closest friend is a bit of a MM - its impossible to see her without a child in tow, even though they almost in ther 20s !!! I also believe some of these mothers just love the role of being 'mummy' and can't accept that their life has any other meaning - as someone else said, look at all the angst when a child starts school or leaves to go to college or university. I am seriously counting the days until my DS leaves home - I can't bloody wait !!

minxofmancunia, i think that YADNBU, i have a friend who fits the mummy martyr mould in every way, shape and form. she constantly leaves sarky comments on my/friends photos from nights out, and she is forever complaining about never doing stuff herself.

I have 2 dc's and to be totally honest if i didn't get time on my own i would without a doubt go completely fucking insane. I also agree with Giddyup in that both my DP and i love our babies immensely i really don't see how i could maintain my relationship with him if all we had to discuss was our dc's.

Some people just don't get any 'me time'
I work weekends and some evenings and DP works full time 9 to 5.
We get about 1 day off together once every 2 months or so, and we choose to spend that time as a family.

I also don't get these people who say they 'need' a week off from the kids?!

I 'need' a holiday in the Carribean but it ain't going to happen!

What a luxuary to take a week off and send your kids to daycare while you swan around doing fuck all. Some people don't know they're born!

brilliant framey

framey when dp and i go to Sicily our kids will be going on holiday with their GPs (my parents) so we are not farming them out to "daycare"

Oh and we are going to Los Angeles for a week without them in February too :o