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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry that opting out of the inane fakery at the school gates will have neg effects for the dc?

102 replies

MilaMae · 08/09/2010 18:03

I find the face splitting smiles at just about everybody,the animated discussions over buggar all and the consistent working of the social circuit exhausting(and a tad annoying as it's so obviously fake) just to watch so don't really partake.

I'm quite fussy and have a few lovely friends,not hoards but just a few. I'm 42 and time is precious so just haven't the patience to smooze with people I find boring just because it's the school social circuit. As a result I just chat to people I find interesting and I like. I'm always polite but don't do the frantic waving,laughing and socialising with masses of mums anymore.

I only ever arrange playdates if my dc beg or we have to reciprocate. I've noticed quite a few mums invite hoards and kind of try to maniplulate kids into relationships iykwim.

My kids are happy(they have a small smattering of friends at school and outside they like and seem normal relationshipwise),I'm happy but worry I could be making them anti-social. Also worried that later on(oldest Y2)they'll wish I'd made more of an effort on their behalf.

Is the done thing these days to have a huge social circuit? Do most mums just put up with the endless socialising or are they like me and just refuse to be ultra friendly with people they regard as fake or errrr just don't like? Should I be making more of an effort?

TIA

OP posts:
juicy12 · 08/09/2010 18:04

Just smile and wave, smile and wave Grin

AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 18:06

I have never bothered with any of that shit

playdates ? nah

socialising with people I don't even like ?

no way

it hasn't held my children back in any way

scurryfunge · 08/09/2010 18:07

I used to send the au pair to pick up DS from school....I couldn't bear it either. [bad parent emoticon]

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 08/09/2010 18:07

"face splitting smiles"?

how cynical...I smile at everyone just to be FRIENDLY, bit horrible to think people see it as fake.

paisleyleaf · 08/09/2010 18:07

I'd love to come and see what it's like at your school
it sounds like a party!
How do they keep that up day in day out?

Tippychoocks · 08/09/2010 18:08

I worry about this as I don't have many friends nearby and none with children of a similar age to DD. So at her age she relies on me to make the social connections for playdates. I'm naturally very private and have had a bit of a shitty year so I just want to retreat.
I don't know if it's BU to not want to but I suspect it is BU not to try a little, if only for the sake of your/my children.

brassband · 08/09/2010 18:08

Well you're lucky people talk to you.At my kids old school if you didn't have a big enough house,go running , and invited to go on mass skiing holidays with the in-clique, you weren't worth talking to!

octopusinabox · 08/09/2010 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PortBlacksand · 08/09/2010 18:11

God i am so relieved my youngest is a junior now and they leave at the same time. They've been back two days and i'm already sitting in my car down the road waiting for them to walk to me after school...

Summatontoast · 08/09/2010 18:16

YANBU I am very similar to you OP, tend to keep out of lots of playground mum stuff, sticking to people I genuinely want to spend time with. I do let DD have friends from school over to play fairly regularly - not because I worry if she will be disadvantaged if I dont, just because it is no trouble and she enjoys it.

pagwatch · 08/09/2010 18:21

OP I think you will be fine. Join in or don't. I doubt your child will suffer. Most people will probably neither mind now much notice. I am sure your Dcs will be fine.

In genetral though ( and not specific to this thread)I am starting gradually to find the
'gosh everyone is just sooo fake and cliquey but I am just fab and independent and never talk about anything unless it is wildly interesting or deeply original' a bit dull now

mostly parents turn up atthe school gate and try to make some contact with a person or two that will keep them company when it is pissing with rain and the kids are late out or who may even be a bit of a help and a peer. Some may feel a bit isolated or wantthe school to give them a few more friends. Some of them find it dull too but just are happy to be polite.

If you don't want to chat don't. If you have a pushy clique at your school then that is sad - they can be grim

But people saying 'hi, how was your summer' is not deeply fake or shallow It is just slighty dull, non offensive socialising.

They are not fake, plastic and shallow just becxause they won't make your christmas card list.

The clique threads always seem wrapped in meaness and insecurity.
And raving about how dull and shallow others are does not make you smart, exciting or honest

HalfTermHero · 08/09/2010 18:24

YANBU. I totally can't be bothered with forging mock interest in people for the random sake that we are stood waiting at a schoolgate together. If someone takes my interest or fancy on a particular day then I will speak to them but frankly consider the whole faux 'friendships' thing to be way beneath me. I have better and more important things to do with my time Smile.

AnxiousLand · 08/09/2010 18:26

If i have to take my child to school in the future (myson has transport as he is disabled) i will dread this too. Just because my child is att he same school as their children does not mean we have anything more in common than that! All trying to be the boss and the most popular and they all slag each other off in the playground. I would stand in the corner and ignore them lol

booyhoo · 08/09/2010 18:26

Erm, i speak to anyone who happens to speak to me and i am a naturally friendly person so i don't have to fake a smile. i am genuinely happy to speak to people. not everyone dislikes other people.

booyhoo · 08/09/2010 18:29

and also, no-one will notice if you don't talk to them. i honestly couldn't tell you which parents didn't speak to me or have never spoken to me but if ds said he wanted to have their child over to play i would have no problem asking them.

Original poster
MilaMae · 08/09/2010 18:30

Brassband there is a huge bit of what you're talking about going on, I guess I'm just not desperate enough to try and join the clique. Our clique fans out quite wide.

I watch some mothers desperately trying to join and stay in said clique, I find it tiring. I'm all for genuine conversations but I just don't have the energy for working the social circuit.

So all of you that opted out haven't had any adverse effects on the dc.

OP posts:
violethill · 08/09/2010 18:34

YANBU. I've always thought an unexpected bonus of working was being unavailable at school pick up time!

chipshopchips · 08/09/2010 18:35

I have to say I don't notice any of this at my dd's school. Yes there are groups of mums who are friendly, there are those that always come in pairs and there are those that don't bother speaking to anyone. Can't say any of them are fake though and i am sure they will be soon bored of speaking to you if you as as mardy as you sound here. Personally, I like to be polite and I am grateful if someone speaks to me or smiles, I would like to be able to have some allies in the playground and contacts for friends and playdates for dd.

MaamRuby · 08/09/2010 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HalfTermHero · 08/09/2010 18:38

No adverse effects at all. If dd wants a child to come over/is invited over for a play I gladly speak to any parent to arrange it Smile.

squeaver · 08/09/2010 18:38

I'm also always amazed by these threads. We have our fair share of odd-bods at dd's school, but most people are pretty normal and are genuinely, I think, just trying to be friendly and get on with their lives.

Birdly · 08/09/2010 18:42

Good grief, it's only 5 minutes at either end of the school day!! Grin

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 08/09/2010 18:42

Agree with Maam not all school gate mums are my bezzie mates but most are friendly and polite and some have quite frankly saved my sanity. Being able to help each other out with childcare has allowed me and a friend to maintain our jobs and I am so grateful for that as if I had to pay for the amount of childcare she has provided I'd be skint Grin . OP you sound very snooty and seem to look down on the other school yard mums. Maybe they find you completely intimidating and steer clear . I know I would!

Original poster
MilaMae · 08/09/2010 18:45

As I said I'm always polite,I've always made friends quite easily and have nothing to be insecure about. Having 3 dc I have plenty of lovely real friends I've made over the years so it's not sour grapes. Not sure where I said I was uber interesting Hmm. I just don't get or have the energy for fake socialising.

Sorry it does go on in our school,it may not in yours but that doesn't mean to say it doesn't elsewhere.

I just want to make sure the way I choose to handle it won't have adverse effects on the dc,not sure there is anything wrong with that Hmm.

OP posts:
nameymcnamechange · 08/09/2010 18:45

I also find it ironic and hilarious that every year we get these bizarre outbursts re. mothers in the school playground and how uninteresting/bitchy/cliquey/fake they are and how the op can hardly force herself to set foot on school premises ...

... and who is the op discussing this with? Well, just a group of random (mostly) mums who shooting the breeze/passing the time of day on the internet.

Mums on Mumsnet = worthwhile
RL Mums = fake

So VERY odd.