To worry that opting out of the inane fakery at the school gates will have neg effects for the dc?

[MilaMae]

I find the face splitting smiles at just about everybody,the animated discussions over buggar all and the consistent working of the social circuit exhausting(and a tad annoying as it's so obviously fake) just to watch so don't really partake.

I'm quite fussy and have a few lovely friends,not hoards but just a few. I'm 42 and time is precious so just haven't the patience to smooze with people I find boring just because it's the school social circuit. As a result I just chat to people I find interesting and I like. I'm always polite but don't do the frantic waving,laughing and socialising with masses of mums anymore.

I only ever arrange playdates if my dc beg or we have to reciprocate. I've noticed quite a few mums invite hoards and kind of try to maniplulate kids into relationships iykwim.

My kids are happy(they have a small smattering of friends at school and outside they like and seem normal relationshipwise),I'm happy but worry I could be making them anti-social. Also worried that later on(oldest Y2)they'll wish I'd made more of an effort on their behalf.

Is the done thing these days to have a huge social circuit? Do most mums just put up with the endless socialising or are they like me and just refuse to be ultra friendly with people they regard as fake or errrr just don't like? Should I be making more of an effort?

TIA

this is quite sad really,

id been eagerly anticipating my ds start to school next year since ive struggled to make mum friends, be a real shame if it really is all fake

I think you are being a bit stuck-up to be honest. It's only for a few years and if nothing else it is a good way to find out what is going on.

Would you prefer it if they discussed philosophy and the Middle East peace process? Would you find them less shallow then? Sorry I just find this sort of attitude irritating. Just pass the time of day and go home it's not rocket science.

I made some good friends at the school gates, but then most were my neighbours anyway,one advantage of using a local school.There was always someone to help out or pick the kids up if needed

Also I have plenty of friends at said gate but just don't choose to partake with the mass social frenzy with hoards of people I really have nothing in common with just so I'm in the in group. To be honest I don't think I could properly chat to more than those I'm friendly with but I know others make a point of working the circuit. It's exhausting to watch.

I just wanted to know if I should be for the sake of my children.

As I said before I am always polite so not snobby.

I quite like the school run brief hi and hows it going chat.

I quite like random chats with parents of kids in other year groups while sat at the rec keeping an eye on my kid.

Am I still allowed on mumsnet for randon chats with people I've never met before?

I agree with pagwatch

I am suprised and sadened actually that so many people would prefer to stand in stony silence with only their own grimmace for company than engage in 5 minutes of small talk.

If you hate the "did you know debenhams has got a sale on" variety of conversation (which was what I got today)simply start your own more interesting ones.

It's only chit chat for heaven sake. Even I can have a bash at it and I'm rubbish (I sit silently at the hairdressers for example).

I really like many of the mums at the school gate and some have quickly become friends. i also love to hear about people's holidays a) because I don't like travelling long distances (and am too broke) so travelling by proxy is ideal, and b) I can get some great ideas for local events and places to go.
I don't think any of the mum's are fake, just some are extrovert and others, like me, are shy. Personally I'm sick of people who in the past have mistaken my shyness for aloofness and snobbery.

i agree with OP
just go in smile,and get your kid and go home

I practically throw dd from the car in the mornings and rarely see anyone when i collect her from the Garderie. I have never ever done playdates after school as I work.

I have however, invited friends (not mothers)over at the weekend, and she goes to a dance class with a couple of her best friends, though that was more of a coincidence than an arrangement initially.

It has had no negative effect on her that I can see.

I wanted to say what pag said but she said it much better than me.

It think its a tragedy that so many people think that people being polite to acquaintences is fake and shallow.

School gate convos tend to be lighthearted (or shallow if you prefer) because they are only a few minutes long and because (in common with toddler groups) they tend to be between people who have very different backgrounds and interests or don't know each other well enough to discuss philosophy. There is nothing to stop people starting a deeper conversation if they want to.

You are being a bit judgey to say people who don't stand stoney faced are 'working the circuit'. They might have loads of reasons to be having different conversations with a range of people.

I always wondered what is going on in the minds of the miserable sods who blank me at nursery when i say hello

option a) smile inanely and make appropriate inane responses - it doesn't cost anything.

b) If you want to melt into the shadows it is pretty easy - I manage to slip in and out without anyone seeing me /speaking to me on a dc "good" day.

c) dc with aspergers going thru "bad" spell about going to school - well that's a whole other story - no sneaking in those days - often wondered that no one called the police o arrest me for child abuse with the fight he puts up [rolleyes] - does take your mind off the school gate chit chat tho.

you won't be surprised to hear that c) tends to lead to b)!

I dont understand.

Is it because I am a bit erm working class common

Not trying to start anything but all these threads about school playground politics/cliques/outfits/pecking order etc seem to come from another world.

I have had kids in the school system for the last 15 years and I dont get it at all.

I did, however, reject a local school because of the amount of fighting that went on in the playground (the parents).

I am with pagwatch on this one too.

I chit chat at the school gates mainly to be sociable when standing next to people; but also they are not anyone, they are the parents of kids my own kids spend day in day out with - so it's always nice to know who they are.

I found that if you know a few friendly faces, you can always double check simple or more worrying things. Only today someone stopped me to tell me that their daughter had witnessed two boys bullying my DD; I would have never found that out if I didn't chit chat with that woman most days..

To answer you thread, I think you are missing out if you are not sociable, but I think you know that anyway!

It's not just the school run,there is a huge social circuit that spills over outside of school hours,kids and adults then there are PTA and committees etc. Also my run takes a lot longer than 5 mins each day so it is exhausting to witness.

Sorry I think some of you are being naive if you think all the smoozing is genuine.I've made some lovely friends outside the gate but sorry I see fakery for what it is.

I used to invite my dses friends round to play, and I used to chat to their mums - and by doing this I have made some wonderful friends.

I think that by writing off everyone at the school gates as fakers and not worth getting to know, you are potentially missing out on some good friends.

I also think that it is part of a mum's job (or a dad's job, if he is at the school gates) to arrange for your children's friends to come round and play. I never really enjoyed this, but my boys did - and would have been less happy if I hadn't done this for them, so I'd worry that your kids are missing out on friendships and fun because of your attitude.

So I guess at your work you never make inane chit chat with a forced smile? Is it only the parents at the school gate that you think you are better than?

milamae
was that at me?

I did say I wasn't talking about this thread in particular. and i said that if you have a very clique set that is tough

I didn't want to start a seperate thread as that would be seen as a thread about a thread. So i tagged my comments on the end of my reply to your OP

But these types of threads appear all the time and have a pretty high hit rate for posters doing the 'vacant, dull fools talking about shit' in an 'I just can't be bothered with them because I am uber cool'
style

I don't think they exist in every school and the complainer is often prejecting all sorts of crap on some mums who are just being polite.

I guess it bothers me because when it is accepted that any bunch of mums talking is a clique and that they are dull and fake, it just adds to the isolation of some new mums who are trying to fit in. They may be isolated standing on their own but will worry about being sneered at if they try and join in

ignore me mila- I was responding to a post I now can't find. The chances are I am talking bollocks [as per]

Does anyone know when the Debenhams sale start

I have a really tough time making small talk with folk I don't know well as am painfully shy (in fact folk who are good frends now have told me they were scared of me before they really got to know me as I always looked so grim . I think this was actually a defensive thing as I was scared to join in conversations in case folk thought what the f*, what's she joining in for, not interested in what she's got to say etc. However since DD started school I have MADE myself talk to mums at school, go to school functions etc as I was determined that DD would not end up the same as me, always felt pretty lonely and shy at school thought I did have a couple of really good friends. I'm really glad I made the effort as she has a nice group of friends and I like all their mums and can chat quite normally. There are times when I hang back and try and be invisible if someone I usually talk to is with another group - feel like I can't butt in, but I am SO glad I made the effort in the first couple of years of primary school. Hopefully it will give her a good start to keep making friends and I'm also hoping that a couple of the mums will become good friends in the future.