To worry that opting out of the inane fakery at the school gates will have neg effects for the dc?

[MilaMae]

I find the face splitting smiles at just about everybody,the animated discussions over buggar all and the consistent working of the social circuit exhausting(and a tad annoying as it's so obviously fake) just to watch so don't really partake.

I'm quite fussy and have a few lovely friends,not hoards but just a few. I'm 42 and time is precious so just haven't the patience to smooze with people I find boring just because it's the school social circuit. As a result I just chat to people I find interesting and I like. I'm always polite but don't do the frantic waving,laughing and socialising with masses of mums anymore.

I only ever arrange playdates if my dc beg or we have to reciprocate. I've noticed quite a few mums invite hoards and kind of try to maniplulate kids into relationships iykwim.

My kids are happy(they have a small smattering of friends at school and outside they like and seem normal relationshipwise),I'm happy but worry I could be making them anti-social. Also worried that later on(oldest Y2)they'll wish I'd made more of an effort on their behalf.

Is the done thing these days to have a huge social circuit? Do most mums just put up with the endless socialising or are they like me and just refuse to be ultra friendly with people they regard as fake or errrr just don't like? Should I be making more of an effort?

TIA

Said OP
"It's not just the school run,there is a huge social circuit that spills over outside of school hours,kids and adults then there are PTA and committees etc. "

Yep, its called COMMUNITY. Old fashioned idea, but one that still works quite well.

How do you KNOW they are fake and boring unless you get to know them? Getting to know you conversations can be quite superficial, you have to put a bit of effort into it to discover which shared interests you have. I bet there are one or two you would really like if you got to know them.

starry
I was really shy too for a while.
It was interesting to see how I had viewed these mums ( because I felt excluded and uncomfortable) and how really nice most of then turned out to be once I got to know them.
And funny, And quite rude and usually a very good night out...

Debenhams sales starts today Pagwatch .

OP - don't talk if you don't want to, won't hurt your DC at all. My DS is very sociable and I am not (my DH more than makes up for my shortcomings in that area!). I do hope I meet some people when my DS starts school though, no harm in just talking rubbish....I am excellent at talking about nothing in particular.

OP, when you were at work did you mix with your colleagues, or did you just choose to ignore some of them because you decided they were fake and shallow?

I suppose I am at the other end of the spectrum to you. Today I booked a meal to which all of the mums in Year 1 (there are 60) are invited. By no means do they have to come, but a great many have said to me that they are pleased to have the opportunity to chat properly to everyone without children hanging off them. Perhaps I am over-socialising, perhaps I am trying to be the boss, perhaps there are people like you who will misinterpret the fact that some people thought it was a good idea and I was happy to sort it out. Frankly if people are so sour that they want to view that negatively then so be it.

Just to add I do think it is easier for kids and parents if you do make an effort. There are a couple of mums now I know I could call on to help out in an emergency (never had to yet tho!) and hopefully they know they could do the same. Also if the parents are friendly I do think their kids are more likely to be friends, at least in the 1st few years of school, unless they are the kind of person that folk are drawn to naturally - one of which I have always wanted to be

When my DS1 was at primary school I made loads of real friends - through being real though. It took a while until I sorted those who were my cup of tea ie - would admit that life can be a bit shit from time to time and kids can drive you round the bend. At DS2's school I haven't made any friends - mostly I think cos I have enough and my life is quite demanding, I find it exhausting picking up new "play-date-mums" unless they have really caught my interest (and me theirs).

I think, just be nice and, if your life is full enough, no need for any cookie cooking friendships.

Love your comment Mila that 'I am 42 and time is precious' - I am ten years older than you with a son at primary school, we have recently moved and I have been thrilled to meet mums (and dads) in the playground; I have already made some very nice friends and found out all sorts of things about the new area we have moved to.

As another mumsnetter commented 'it takes a village to raise a child' and I do think it is important to make lots of acquaintances (if not friends) in all areas of life. I have no family nearby so I need to know people who could help out in an emergancy - ie: I knew NO ONE I could put on the school form as an emergancy contact until I met some other parents. Also, I WANT to know the parents of my child's friends, if he is going to sleepovers, parties etc - yes, I may be overprotective but how often do you hear that parents have no idea who their children mix with?

Do you stop and chat to the lonely person at the bus stop, the pensioner in the supermarket queue, the guy selling 'Big Issue', neighbours walking by - or are you 'too fussy' and assume you have nothing in common with anyone beyound your own social circle?

It's like when you start a new job or move into a new street, isn't it? Some groups of people, not just mums, are jolly, friendly & sociable without being pushy. Some are standoffish and make you jump through hoops before they'll as much as ask about your weekend. And some have an Us and Them division where, if you want to be an "Us", you have to grovel like crazy.

Luck of the draw, really.

I do talk to people at the school gate,my friends and people I think look interesting. We all know each other well now so I know who I find interesting and who I don't. I'm polite with everybody so do chit chat as that is part of being polite.

However I don't see the need to be uber chummy with everybody,the texting,the face booking,the rushing around, the arranging,the loud exclamations of delight on seeing everybody,shrieking so loud everybody has to endure all the details of said social life-it's false.

Re the community,I've done the committee thing and play my part in the wider community I just don't feel the need to cram the holidays/weekends with play dates with all and sundry.I can barely fit in my friends/ my kids real friends/families/bday parties etc as it is.Do kids need this endless stream of playdates with hoards of kids? Genuine question.

Now I'm confident in my skin,been around the block and happy but I don't want to deprive my dc of anything. So what should I be doing other than chatting to my friends and people I find interesting and enduring said fakery in a polite way?

I have about 10 lovely school gate friends whose company I really enjoy,is that not enough,how on earth am I supposed to maintain those friendships properly and also smooze round 3 classes endlessly texting and face booking-genuine questions

OP - YABU.

Your DCs either just happen to go to a school with an uncommonly large number of 'fake people' or you are a very judgey person. Or both!

I always chat to people at the school gate. This is because:

• I am a sociable person.
• I like to keep up with what is going on (I work pt so sometimes miss the gossip/school news).
• I like to get to know the parents of my DCs friends.
• I enjoy being part of the community.

YOu are lucky to have lots of friends locally, but a lot of people don't. I am not from the area I now live, and have no relatives nearby and no old friends, so I very much welcome the chance to meet new people both for my DCs and myself. I would be gutted if anyone perceived me to be fake.

"I talk to people who look interesting" I usually look like shit in the playground as have just spent half an hour screaming like a banshee at my kids. I would obviously not be worthy of speaking to. What judgemental bollocks! Talk about judging a book by it's cover. OP you really need to get over yourself.

Wondering if you've actually read my posts I do chat at the school gate I just don't engage in fakery-so shoot me.

Hob how do you know I wouldn't chat to you?Tired stressed out mums are normally the type I'm drawn to-I've done my fair share of shrieking like a banshee on a school morning.

So in your tired stressed state talk you manage to socialise more than a quick chat with your friends? How do you do it,how do you summon up the energy and inclination?

a lot of 'fakery' might be shy people going a bit ott to compensate,by the way (moi)

Do you mean to sound so smugly superior?

YABU. And kinda twattish.

I open my mouth and say "Hello how are you today?" Amazingly the other person generally answers and we either just say "fine" to each other and move on or sometimes they get a blow by blow account of my hellish morning and they maybe tell me about theirs. Sometimes we go for a coffee and chat about work, kids, politics,what's on t.v etc etc. And do you know what sometimes it's the unlikeliest people who you can have the best chats with and gain the most from having a friendship with.

Well I love the whole talk-to-other-moms thing, because I'm hyper social (probably to an annoying degree). But there are mothers who aren't, and that's fine. A little smile and wave isn't fake IMO, it's common courtesy.

Other parents I mean, obviously they're not all mothers. :)

Not sure you need to be so rude Bonnie.

Fanjo I wondered that at first but 2 years on I now know that certainly isn't the case

Sorry OP but no matter what way you put it you still sound judgemental and condescending. If you were, as you put it, "happy in your own skin" you wouldnt even start a thread like this because you would just know that you were a genuine person, and therefore not disadvantaging your children in any way by being genuine.

I think you must know/suspect that you are actually being stand-offish and judgey in your attitude and (quite rightly) feel that that attitude itself will most likely disadvantage your kids in some way.

You sound like a nasty piece of work OP and I'm very glad that you are not in the playground at my DS's school. Why on earth you think the conversations that people have are fake, is beyond me? How do you know? Sure there will be some random, mundane statements like "oooh, little Peter ate all his coco-pops for breakfast today" but on my school run, many of the mums have known each other since their DC's were in playgroup so I'm guessing their chats probably run a little deeper than that. If you don't speak to them, how do you know how well they know each other, or what they're talking about.

Please tell me what makes a person look interesting?

Just for the record, the parents of the children in my DS's class are a right mixed bag; BA flight attendant, two pilots, 2 with PhD's, a medic, a Romany gypsy who landed a rich fucker of a husband and will make your sides split with her tales, a restaurant owner, several childminders, the list goes on.

Why do you assume because you want to speak to them, you have to maintain a friendship with them or have an endless stream of playdates?

Your views seem a little warped and you seem a little unpleasant

Hobs that's not what I'm talking about,thats what I do and enjoy.

I'm talking about loud group hugging/shrieking/face booking/frantic socialising with all and sundry.

I really think you are over analysing OP!

This fakery shit is a myth, I have never encountered this AT ALL and I think people like you make it up.

Just because people are laughing and talking does not make them fake. You say you are quite fussy and if you ask me very judgemental as well.

If you took the time to know them just a tad you might like them, you don't to end up being best buddies FFS.

I have no idea about cliques or social circuits but I do have an idea about being friendly and polite without turning it into some sort of fake freak jamboree that only exists in the minds of people like you!