To be very upset by friend demanding something back given to me 15 years ago??

[rockinhippy]

I'll try not to ramble, but already feeling ill & now very upset, so excuse me if I do....I would apreciate opinions as to whether or not I am being unreasonable in, a being upset, & b, refusing.

Some 16 odd years ago, probably much more, ........my friend ...(who is one of my DDs 2 GodMums) gave me a vintage astrakan coat, passed to her by her uncle, but not her style at all, but very much mine..........she said at the time something along the lines of "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

Now I love this coat, repaired the lining & keep it for winter going out for special occasions & have looked after it well, so its still in as new condition

the other day I recieved an e-mail, telling me her DD now 17 had been looking through old family photos, & has fell in love with this coat...& wondered if I still had it & was it used..& could she have it back....at first I was confused & thought she meant a 1 she had passed over to my DD....

e-mail yesterday clarified what she meant....so I replied saying, yes, I still love it & wear it with pride & even included a recent photo (we don't live close to each other anymore)

Just now recieved a reply along the lines of....

Sadly DD feels just as strongly about the coat & DD takes precedence over friend, will be popping down to your town next Monday I will collect it then

I think that after 16 yrs I would have assumed ownership but would probably give it back and not have much more to do with the friend, except to check her ebay account for when the coat makes its inevitable appearance.

I'm just staggered that people could care so much about a coat.

But I am the Ditta Von tease type...lol (only a bit wrinklier than she is....lol

ITS FAKE......no lambs were harmed in the making of it...ever.......as its vintage probably a few child sweat shop workers though.....lol

& to those that commented on the phrase "Indian Giver" appologies if that offended anyone...one of my pet hates too, so not something I would use out of ignorance or with intent...... its a phrase I grew up with & though many I wouldn't use, because they are bloody offensive & I hate that too.........I always believed this one had it routes in giving a gift, to get a gift in return, harking back to the old USA first settlers....but has been adopted over the years to mean false gifts.....if I'm wrong I'll happily wash my mouth out

just re-read her mail.....& in reply to my saying I had misunderstood which coat, & that I knew exactly where it was, its in my wardrobe as my favourite going out coat, & that I REALLY love it & wear it often, & added a recent photo of me wearing it as proof (picture speaks a 1000 words etc) (she hadn't asked for it back at that point, just if I still had it) .....

her response was that DD feels equally as strongly about it & DD trumps friend, as it was given as a "non conditional semi permanent loan" but grateful for me for looking after it though which of course is different to my recollection, & maybe I'm just tired & foggy, but seems a bit of an odd phrase anyway, especially when shes not presuming I still had it
also re-read its not this Monday, but in a week or so, & she's showing another friend around so doesn't sound like she intends to see see anyway, just pick up the coat

Oh well....... I think I was more looking for a balance of opinions, & seems I got that, but & lots of food for thought too......so thank you............generally my feelings are now, that if she had made a deal of the heirloom attachments, or that she needs a winter coat for DD & can't afford 1, I would of gladly, (though sadly) given it back, or if the latter offered to maker her DD a new coat for free.......regardless of whether I believed it to be a gift or not....but its the attitude & it been her DDs call that bugs me the most

of course I do value her friendship, but also realise that in reality its not much of a friendship that I will miss, due to distance & life in generally getting in the way, not to devalue it, & not because I don't care...just being realistic............

& she has upset me with her attitude to this, & she also knows I'm ill right now, so she could of waited, & also no phone call over something that was bound to be a bit sensitive after her receiving my note saying how much I love it etc ..... & that makes me feel like "f* you",

oh well I will update when I know the outcome

I agree that it was definitely a gift, which your friend may even realise, but is trying to rewrite history to please her demanding DD. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer on your part. If you kept the coat, you'd be sticking to the original agreement (in that you would only give it up if you don't wear it, which you do) and if you gave it back, you'd be pleasing your friend. I would draw the line with the friend's appauling attitude towards you. She shouldn't assume she can have the coat back and to not even ask if she can have it is shocking.

I gather from your later posts that you are planning on keeping the coat and I would probably do the same in your position. I think what others have said is probably correct, the friendship will not be the same again because of this, but this isn't your fault, your friend is the one who has prioritised a coat she gave away 15 years ago over a friendship. I honestly can't understand why someone would do that. If the coat meant anything real to her, she never would've given it away. She should've told her DD she would enquire about it, but it never should've been assumed that you would comply.

What a horribly selfish and stupid woman she sounds like.

It's just a coat you aren't children you are ladies in your forties or fifties honestly there are so many more important things to focus on. This is not worth losing a friendship over.

I think you should ask for the pink silk handmade dress in exchange

After TEN pages, you absolutely must come back with updates!

well she sounds a twat for saying 'non-conditional semi permanent loan' but perhaps she was just trying to be clear about how she saw the situation.

I do think your last email was a but misguided and that it would be a shame to lose a friendship over something so petty.

Can you not just arrange to meet up and share a bottle of wine (or something similar now you're not living so near each other). Extend an olive branch maybe?

well good luck rockinhippy, I am sure that whatever you decide, you will handle it as sensitively as possible.

Do you know what? after all the fuss she has made and the way she has handled it, I would probably give her the coat back but I would want to cut my ties to this person pretty quickly tbh.

Rockin - WOnder does your 'friend' read Mumsnet?
She can't miss this thread.

Can we please see a picture of the coat?

it's not just a coat, though - it's what it symbolises. And at the same time it is a coat and a much loved possession. And not everyone has the spare money to find a replacement of the same kind.

If anyone had a coat they loved and used regularly and felt was theirs, they'd be miffed to be asked to give it up and go and buy a new one. Some coats are just the right one and you never find another quite like it, or that goes so perfectly with your shape and style and your outfits. It's not the same to go and find another one on ebay/Camden market etc. OP is being asked unreasonably to give up something she treasures.

I think YABU, sorry. You've had the pleasure of this coat for 16 years, what's the problem?
If DD gets fed up with it later, you can ask for it back

This seems really simple to me, if you want to keep the coat, then keep it, but you lose your friendship. If you want to keep her a s a friend, then give back the coat.

Personally, she doesnt sound like much of a mate anyway so id tell her to jog on and keep the coat.

And being the cow that i am i wouldnt feel guity for it either

No really it is just a coat. Coats are easy replaceable, friendships less so.

no- it really is just a coat! No coat should be worth more than a friendship.

QS Wed 08-Sep-10 14:18:13

The coat was special to her, although it was not in her style. It had belonged to her uncle. She kindly brought it to you, a special friend, thinking you may have some use of it. It was a kind act. You accepted it. Never mind what was said at the time.

For all you know your friend might have been missing the coat. It was a family heirloom. Fine, it was just a coat, not diamonds, but still something that belonged to a dear relative.

She made it clear the coat was not to be binned, but returned to you if you had no use of it. That should tell you the coat was special to her.

You can argue whether it is a gift or a loan till you are blue in the face.

Over the years she may have realized that parting with the coat was a mistake. She might have realized that your friendship was dwindling, and maybe you were no longer worthy of carrying her uncles coat.

To you it is A Coat. To her it is Uncles Coat. Therein lies the difference.
The fact that you think about the coat in terms of Payment, Maintenance and Upkeep confirms this.

Your main concern seems to be, not your friend, her daughter and the uncles coat, but yourself, and the money you have spent on the coat.

She wants it back, for her own child. Let her have it.

You are no friend, if you dont realize this, and hand it back to her gracefully.

, sorry QS, but you have made a MASSIVE amount of assumptions there & also missed a lot of updates...others have said charge her for cleaning, repair etc...but not ME, I wouldn't of ever thought of that, let alone do it........also it was not her Uncles coat (unless he was a tranny & she doe's know that ) but I think an Aunt she didn't know...I was never sure as she was never that bothered at the time...& no she wasn't young then

*easily

Mrsturnip I see you and I are on the same page here.

Just read first page. You need to give it back. You had a lovely free coat for fifteen years. Give it back.

I think so ledodgy (nice to 'see' you btw!) I would also like to see the photo!

and you.

Well I've just had a reply of sorts......... she thinks I'm joking as he says she has always passed things amongst her friends on non conditional semi permanent loans, & doesn't see why asking for it back if it hasn't worn out would upset me

Sounds reasonable, but by the same token I have never seen her return anything I've given to her DD or her, when my DD hit that same size, & she was definitely binning it...junk shop at least, so I do think its change of heart & DD wants, so DD gets, & sod the friendship...........I just wish now I hadn't owned up to still having it, then there would be no problem.........but then she wasn't honest in her first aproach...I emailed the photo, as I thought the photos had jogged her memory, & she wanted to know it was still loved & worn.........that'll teach me

oh fgs just give it back. She thinks she lent it rather than gave it. Ask for the silk dress back if you must.

tell her you'll send it to her as your too busy for vistors then it can be lost in transit along with all my redirected post - Royal mail can be 'good' at some things