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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very upset by friend demanding something back given to me 15 years ago??

555 replies

rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 11:39

I'll try not to ramble, but already feeling ill & now very upset, so excuse me if I do....I would apreciate opinions as to whether or not I am being unreasonable in, a being upset, & b, refusing.

Some 16 odd years ago, probably much more, ........my friend ...(who is one of my DDs 2 GodMums) gave me a vintage astrakan coat, passed to her by her uncle, but not her style at all, but very much mine..........she said at the time something along the lines of "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

Now I love this coat, repaired the lining & keep it for winter going out for special occasions & have looked after it well, so its still in as new condition

the other day I recieved an e-mail, telling me her DD now 17 had been looking through old family photos, & has fell in love with this coat...& wondered if I still had it & was it used..& could she have it back....at first I was confused & thought she meant a 1 she had passed over to my DD....

e-mail yesterday clarified what she meant....so I replied saying, yes, I still love it & wear it with pride & even included a recent photo (we don't live close to each other anymore)

Just now recieved a reply along the lines of....

Sadly DD feels just as strongly about the coat & DD takes precedence over friend, will be popping down to your town next Monday I will collect it then Shock

Confused
OP posts:
QS · 08/09/2010 21:15

Op, what logic did you apply when you offered your friend to have your sewing machine for, say, 10, 15 years, until your young dd would be able to use it?

Your friend asked for the coat back, in the same way as you would ask for the machine back, after a loan of several years.

You cant call her cheeky, or rude, really.

jennieflower · 08/09/2010 21:23

OP has confirmed that it's not made from lambs.

jennieflower · 08/09/2010 21:26

Whoops, ignore the above, I didn't refresh my page from ages ago!

OP do you think the photo the daughter saw was one of you wearing the coat?

Original poster
rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 21:30

I'm Shock this got so many replies, & so split too....& LOL at Cumfy's film idea too Grin......shall we have Dita playing me then Grin

& no expat, we've done that bit too....its not a shaggy crappy 70s thing, but 50's black fake persian lamb.....

we do have 1 of those given by her too, only took it to be polite as thought she meant well, & its for DD, not me, & DD might like it when it fits........though I'm likely to be giving that & a few other bits of crap gifts back with it, just to make sure there is no other shocks to come another 15-20 yr down the line Hmm...

I am curious though, out of those of you in the YABU camp,...... do none of you think it bloody weird to come back for it so many years down the line, I mean, 1 or 2 years, fine, maybe even 6....but its at LEAST 15 years, possibly more than 20.......

she insisted I wore it, that was the only main condition I do rember, & if had worn it daily, rather than for retro best (nights out at rockers clubs etc), & I didn't know how to store it , repare the lining & clean it properly etc, it would of been Fk'd years ago.........how many of you keep coats in wearable condition for so many years Confused .....apart from her attitude & sudden demands, thats my biggest problem with her wanting it back....the length of time its taken her to even think about it, let alone ask for it back Confused

OP posts:
QS · 08/09/2010 21:32

But why are you surprised?

You suggested a similar arrangement with the sewing machine? Why is it weird, then?
You probably gave her the idea!

Original poster
rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 21:35

jennieflower Wed 08-Sep-10 21:26:01

Whoops, ignore the above, I didn't refresh my page from ages ago!

OP do you think the photo the daughter saw was one of you wearing the coat?

I don't think so, she mentioned them looking at old photos, so I presumed old family ones...... I doubt I would ofsent her that photo, as I usually send her photos with DD & what we've been upto with her (saves writing novels...lol) so very unlikely I'd send her that 1

OP posts:
saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 21:38

No I don't think it's weird. I lent out my amby hammock. I am having no further children but I thought that I might like it for grandchildren. So when I've lent it out I've said I would like it back when finished with.

IN the end it was cluttering up my house (was handed back a couple of times) so I sold the thing.

When I've been on the receiving end of having found out something I'd assumed was a gift was actually lent I've just given it back.

I would have interpreted her remarks at the time as the item having been lent. Length of time doesn't matter. I was lent (a different) book 20 years ago. I mistakenly moved away with it and haven't seen the owner since. If I did I would give the book back to him!

LynetteScavo · 08/09/2010 21:39

Send her thislink and see if she still wants the coat.

Havingkittens · 08/09/2010 21:39

If you want to put her daughter off having the coat from you, you can always tell her that astrakan is made from the pelts of newborn baby lambs that have to be killed before they are 3 days old in order to guarantee the soft curly black fleece that is made to make the coats, before the lamb is too old and the fleece changes it's texture Sad

LynetteScavo · 08/09/2010 21:39

Oh I've read the whole thread now, sorry.

dexter73 · 08/09/2010 21:43

I think it is a bit weird that she has asked for it back but I would give it to her without making such a drama about it as it is just a coat and not worth losing a long friendship over.

Original poster
rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 21:44

QS, the loaned of the Machine was to help my friend see if her DD REALLY would make proper use of one, & to save my friend wasting her money.....I was very clear in it been a loan, but thats how I felt it fair, she agreed at the time, & then decided to buy 1 anyway,

Also as I was using a machine at 9, & DD has my aptitude for sewing etc already, it wouldn't of been for anything like that length of time, a couple of years at most, & my friend knew that....but even if that were not the case, sewing Machines don't wear out in the way coats do, so not really relevant....& to your earlier points, on repair & cleaning.....I never said I paid for any of it.....as I do it myself...proffesionally.........perhaps my friend was cleverer & more devious than I realised...lol..........effectively she sent her coat off for free professional storage, cleaning & repar.....need a rolls eye smiley.....lol

OP posts:
tootiredtothink · 08/09/2010 21:45

YABU.

I second everything QS has said (can't be arsed to type myself Grin)

saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 21:45

But she didn't charge you rent?

QS · 08/09/2010 21:47

rockinhippy, the coat has been worn for 15 years, hardly professional storage?

If she had kept it, it would have been unworm for 15 years, and arguably in a better condition. You were hardly doing her a favour!

Original poster
rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 21:54

I wasn't been serious...........& its getting nit picky for the sake of it now, so I can't be arsed ether......

but for the record... fur if not stored correctly rots & attracts, forget wordBlush critters that eat it...... especially if not regularly worn & aired

OP posts:
KindleOfKittens · 08/09/2010 21:55

Christ on a blardy bike

dexter73 · 08/09/2010 21:57

But I thought it was fake not real fur?

Aitch · 08/09/2010 22:04

lol at this thread. i would be LIVID if it was me, and i'd make a point of asking back all the stuff i'd also lent on a never-before-mentioned semi permanent loan condition... really i would. who cares? the friendship is toast anyway, at least get your stuff back for your dd.

ivykaty44 · 08/09/2010 22:15

I wonder what your freind would be doing to try to retreave this coat from the chartiy shop where she was going to dump the coat if you hadn't had the coat in your possesion?

Woud she be emailing the charity shop telling them they had to get it back as her daughter wanted it and dd's come before charity

You would have been better to have let her take the coat and then paid for it - though I wonder if that part would have faeded from her memory

it is a sad state and with your illness not worth getting worked up over

say goodbye to your coat - if you do, I am not asaying you should

You have lost both coat and friend

but as was said she is as fake as the coat and whereas one is a blessing being fake the other isn't.

I am not familiar with godmothers and hwo this will effect your own dd etc, but hoepfully your own dd will understnad if this relationship isn't what it was.

ChippingIn · 08/09/2010 22:16

Hey Guys - there's no need to be horrible about the coat, the OP clearly loves it and is upset at losing it. We don't all have the same taste and it's not nice toe so awful about hers, especially when she's upset about it.

Rockinhippy

YANBU

Clearly she gave it to you. I think it was fair enough to ask you if you were still wearing it and if not, say she'd like it for her DD - but anything beyond that is rude.

This is what would finish the friendship for me Sadly DD feels just as strongly about the coat & DD takes precedence over friend. It is impossible that her DD feels as strongly about the coat as you do, you have had it and loved and looked after it for 20 years - her DD has seen a photo. DD takes precedence over a friend - maybe if you both need a kidney, but not over a coat she's only seen a photo of FFS.

I was going to say, give it back as you wont enjoy it now anyway, but actually I think this is a better idea...

^jangly Wed 08-Sep-10 19:55:31
Get the one off of ebay thatjux put up and leave that one outside in a carrier bag. You can swear its the same coat and her memory is playing tricks^

Put a note in it, saying you hope that DD looks after it as well as you have for 20 years and that when DD is finished with it, you'd love to have it back! Grin

paisleyleaf · 08/09/2010 22:18

"....fur if not stored correctly rots & attracts......"
It isn't fake is it?

Aitch · 08/09/2010 22:19

lol yes, do that, get one off ebay. seriously, your friend is being ridiculous.

Aitch · 08/09/2010 22:20

nah, it's not fake. but if she hadn't said that you lot would have been sending her pics of weeny lamb foetuses.

ivykaty44 · 08/09/2010 22:20

she relined the coat - that was the favour I thought?