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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very upset by friend demanding something back given to me 15 years ago??

555 replies

rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 11:39

I'll try not to ramble, but already feeling ill & now very upset, so excuse me if I do....I would apreciate opinions as to whether or not I am being unreasonable in, a being upset, & b, refusing.

Some 16 odd years ago, probably much more, ........my friend ...(who is one of my DDs 2 GodMums) gave me a vintage astrakan coat, passed to her by her uncle, but not her style at all, but very much mine..........she said at the time something along the lines of "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

Now I love this coat, repaired the lining & keep it for winter going out for special occasions & have looked after it well, so its still in as new condition

the other day I recieved an e-mail, telling me her DD now 17 had been looking through old family photos, & has fell in love with this coat...& wondered if I still had it & was it used..& could she have it back....at first I was confused & thought she meant a 1 she had passed over to my DD....

e-mail yesterday clarified what she meant....so I replied saying, yes, I still love it & wear it with pride & even included a recent photo (we don't live close to each other anymore)

Just now recieved a reply along the lines of....

Sadly DD feels just as strongly about the coat & DD takes precedence over friend, will be popping down to your town next Monday I will collect it then Shock

Confused
OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 08/09/2010 19:19

Diddl - in her post of 13:27:29, Rockin said:

"& yes, thanks, you are right about memories of the conversation being blurred between us, & was considering that, but my friend (probably ex now ) is very much a clean freak & not a hoarder at all, she often amazes me by how cut & dry she is on stuff like that, & always has been that way (unlike me) I do definitely remember she intended to get rid of it regardless & though she preffered it to go to a good home, had said if me, or another friend didn't want it, then it was going to a junk shop as she'd never wear it....."

Squitten · 08/09/2010 19:20

I'd just give the stupid thing back.

I agree that your recollection of events suggests it was definitely a gift but it was a long time ago and it's just not worth the hassle of having this argument go on and on...

I would give it back, make it clear that you believe it's out of order and probably just let the friendship go. It sounds as though you are drifting anyway...

QS · 08/09/2010 19:22

I can see the link between the sewing machine and the coat quite clearly.

You gave her the idea of asking for the coat back. She was probably upset that you offered a machine you had no use for and did not like on loan rather than giving it away. Regardless of whether her dd liked it or not, she was to return it at some point in the future when your own dd grew up. And in good condition too.

You have no moral highground. Sorry.

Your friend is possibly mightily taken aback that you are refusing to return her coat, when you yourself have made a similar offer, it must mean you are ok with the principle.

Oh, I dont think I assume so much, you brought up the fact that you had spent money on it. It doesnt matter who wore the coat, aunt or uncle, her uncle passed it on to her.

Inertia · 08/09/2010 19:22

Frankly, I can't get over Rockinhippy's friend's line about "DD takes precedence over friend". How uppity does that sound? It's a coat, it's not as though the friend is donating a kidney- does she have a JudgingThrone to sit upon, in the manner of Solomon, to consider the Worthiness Of The Wearer Of The Coat?

Anyway, YANBU Rockinhippy. But it's a no win situation. Whether your friend is pandering to her daughter's demands or thinks she can sell the coat, she clearly doesn't value the friendship enough to let you keep something you've cared for.

Personally I wouldn't deal with her any further by email- just tell her face to face when you see her how much her dismissiveness towards you has upset you. But as she has decided to adopt a vaguely contractual basis to gifts, perhaps now would be a good time to discuss return of items lent to her family, and invoicing for repairs and cleaning of the coat. Even if you don't want the stuff back, it might make her think.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 19:25

And presumably her friend remembers it differently.

Honestly I think losing a friendship over an old coat is just mad. Especially when the lines are blurred because she didn't hand it over outright.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 19:26

She probably just said that stupid line about her dd because she had expected to just have the thing returned without fuss.

flowerybeanbag · 08/09/2010 19:36

You've had perhaps 20 years free use of a lovely coat. Don't keep it to be churlish. Yes your friend isn't displaying a great attitude and didn't ask in the best way. But her understanding was obviously that she would be able to get it back at some point, even if that wasn't your understanding.

The 'otherwise it's going to the junk shop' bit seems odd to me. I think 'have this because it doesn't suit me but if you don't want it any more or don't wear it, let me have it back so I can pass it on' is very different from 'do you want this otherwise I'm going to chuck it out'?

It's a coat. I think your friend probably assumed it was no problem and is not handling your reaction well. But it's a coat. It was in her family, she was under the impression that she would be in a position to pass it down, so just give it back, think how lucky you've been to have a lovely coat for so long, and treat yourself to an overdue new one.

chaya5738 · 08/09/2010 19:37

OMG, you sound like a difficult friend. You have had the use of a great coat for 15 years. What is the problem with giving it back if your friend would like to give it to her daughter?

It sounds like your friend's tone and approach could be improved but there is nothing wrong with her asking for it back.

Do you what to be right or do you want to have friends?

You are the one sodding the friendship, not her.

FortunateHamster · 08/09/2010 19:37

Well, isn't it that the friend wasn't happy to do something on a loan basis, but is happy to give out things herself that way?

rubbersoul · 08/09/2010 19:39

The op's friend only said to give it back if she didn't want it...

The friend is being a complete and utter tool.Don't give it back- tell her to do one.

Ragwort · 08/09/2010 19:45

Is this thread still going on??

This friend is your daughter's Godmother - an very special relationship and far more important than a coat ......... just give the coat back gracefully, thank her very much for the loan of it and let her know how much you appreciated it and concentrate on your daughter's relationship with her Godmother.

cumfy · 08/09/2010 19:54

Never in the field of human dialogue have I found such drivel, so enthralling.

Stephen Spielberg step aside:
An Old Coat -the movie

Really this is amazing.
Go, MN go. :)

jangly · 08/09/2010 19:55

Get the one off of ebay thatjux put up and leave that one outside in a carrier bag. You can swear its the same coat and her memory is playing tricks.

paisleyleaf · 08/09/2010 20:01
Confused I still don't get the sewing machine bit. nevermind though.
saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 20:03

Cumfy although I have been actively driveling I have to agree. Am about to run it past dh over a glass of wine :o

LadyBiscuit · 08/09/2010 20:05

I think your friend is being a cheeky mare personally. It's such a shame that we don't ahve proper polls on MN - this seems to have divided us down the middle

CountessDracula · 08/09/2010 20:06

I don't htink I would want a coat made from the foetuses of lambs involving the death of them and their mother tbh

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/09/2010 20:11

It's a fake, CountessDracula, though I Grin at a squeamish vampire...

EmmyVonN · 08/09/2010 20:11

You will never, never again enjoy that coat. Even if she apologizes and says she was wrong, you will feel horrible about it. Let it go.

When you talk to her be honest about how you feel, but nice. Those coats are horrible anyway.

And you should take Bit of Fun's glam coat.

mrsshackleton · 08/09/2010 20:12

CD it's been said about a trillion times that it's a fake

saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 20:13

It's a vintage fake lamb foetus coat CD.

chaya5738 · 08/09/2010 20:20

LOL at cumfy

An Old Coat -the movie

Rockbird · 08/09/2010 20:20

I think your friend has got a bloody neck and, as the relationship seems shot to pieces anyway I would keep the coat. Semi permanent non conditional loans sounds like a load of bollocks used as an excuse by someone who doesn't know their arse from their elbow.

My mum has a saying, not popular with the anti Christians/atheists but...

Give a thing and take it back
God will ask you where its at
If you say you do not know
God will send you down below

It was a gift, she's changed her mind and she's clutching at straws. Tell her to piss off.

expatinscotland · 08/09/2010 20:21

Oh, and it's fake?! WTF? All this over some shaggy arse, fugly, 1970s fake lamb foetus coat?

FFS.

Give it back. Why take it in the first place? Sounds naff.

Eewww. Who'd want to be seen in public in that?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/09/2010 21:13

Nope, it's a ^shaggy arse, fugly, 1950s fake lamb foetus coat. Grin