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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very upset by friend demanding something back given to me 15 years ago??

555 replies

rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 11:39

I'll try not to ramble, but already feeling ill & now very upset, so excuse me if I do....I would apreciate opinions as to whether or not I am being unreasonable in, a being upset, & b, refusing.

Some 16 odd years ago, probably much more, ........my friend ...(who is one of my DDs 2 GodMums) gave me a vintage astrakan coat, passed to her by her uncle, but not her style at all, but very much mine..........she said at the time something along the lines of "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

Now I love this coat, repaired the lining & keep it for winter going out for special occasions & have looked after it well, so its still in as new condition

the other day I recieved an e-mail, telling me her DD now 17 had been looking through old family photos, & has fell in love with this coat...& wondered if I still had it & was it used..& could she have it back....at first I was confused & thought she meant a 1 she had passed over to my DD....

e-mail yesterday clarified what she meant....so I replied saying, yes, I still love it & wear it with pride & even included a recent photo (we don't live close to each other anymore)

Just now recieved a reply along the lines of....

Sadly DD feels just as strongly about the coat & DD takes precedence over friend, will be popping down to your town next Monday I will collect it then Shock

Confused
OP posts:
TotalChaos · 08/09/2010 17:58

the sewing machine incident makes it sound like you think it is OK to lend someone something for years, then if your own DD wants it back, ask for it back!

I can only assume that this level of upset is about generally feeling unvalued by your friend rather than about the coat itself.

paisleyleaf · 08/09/2010 18:02

I think I'd've said no to the sewing machine too. That was obviously a loan and I wouldn't want the responsibility of it hanging over my DD.
I don't see how the sewing machine thing proves your point.

RunawayWife · 08/09/2010 18:09

If it were me I would hand the coat over, minus lining, pockets, with a few fleas nesting in it for good measure, but I'm bitch

IseeGraceAhead · 08/09/2010 18:10

Doesn't the sewing machine negate your point, rock? You were willing to lend her the machine on a long-term "return if needed when DDs are older" basis - just like the coat. So it would be prefectly obvious that you understood what such loans are all about. Or so it seems to me; maybe I'm getting the wrong end of the stick.

TigerseyeMum · 08/09/2010 18:19

I think, personally, that what you are sad about it not the loss of the coat but the loss of the friendship. You thought your friend's memory had been jogged by looking nostalgically at old photos, and you felt part of that history. Clearly you and your friend go back a long way.

The hurtful way your friend has dealt with this is what is upseting you. She has dismissed your attachment to the coat and put her 17 year old daughter's needs above yours for the sake of a coat. The rewriting of history is also what has upset you. You thought you and she held special common memories, turns out she has been confrontational to get her own way regardless of your friendship and the friendship has been damaged along the way.

What was agreed originally is immaterial in my opinion. It is how your friend has cast aside your attachment in preference for her daughter that has upset you.

Perhaps it's something some of us can relate to - close friendships can get more distant when children come along and friendship takes a back seat to motherhood. Just a thought.

I don't think this is about 'just a coat' at all.

The loss of a favourite coat is secondary as far as I can see. I am sorry you have been hurt by your friend's attitude towards you and I guess the real question is whether you will work to maintain or repair that friendship now or whether it has gone?

Sorry if I have assumed too much but I read the whole thread and I'm just speaking about what has struck me from it.

diddl · 08/09/2010 18:29

Well I guess she thought of it as a loan.

And I can´t help thinking that the 2nd email was curt because you were saying that you had the coat & would like to keep it.

So she was making it clear.

In the first email she had already said she wanted it back-she wasn´t asking you yes or no.

expatinscotland · 08/09/2010 18:32

Look, people who loan out heirlooms or treasured items aren't the brightest lights in the harbour. It's a pretty foolish thing to do.

So give it back. And adhere to the old age: when you lose don't lose the lesson.

The lesson here is your friend's a flake. Treat accordingly.

IseeGraceAhead · 08/09/2010 18:36

What, expat, like the billionaire collectors who lend precious artworks to museums & galleries?

Honestly, a loan is a loan. It's damn churlish to refuse to return it, unless it arrived on your birthday/Christmas, tagged & gift-wrapped. Pfft.

Chaotica · 08/09/2010 18:38

Geez, OP - I gave an astrakan coat to charity last year. Could have passed it on.

(Sorry - nothing useful to add apart from that.)

expatinscotland · 08/09/2010 18:39

I doubt what they loan out is an heirloom, Grace.

They keep those in their houses so they can flog them fast, like Princess Di's brother, who has a number of works of art out on loan, but flogged off another £42m worth of 'stuff' for some quick cash.

Who'd want a coat made in such a way, anyhow?

Yuk.

expatinscotland · 08/09/2010 18:40

And next time, OP, when someone offers you a long-term loan of an item, just say no.

said · 08/09/2010 18:48

I think your friendship is ruined and your happy feelings towards the coat will be as well after this. So, reluctantly give it back - it makes her look petty - drop the friendship and get yourself another coat.

mumbar · 08/09/2010 18:50

Has she realised suddenly that it has value - Does it ? I have no idea. I would search ebay next week tho! - possibly buy it back Wink

YANBU to think this is wierd as she ogive it back IF you don't want it.

amelem · 08/09/2010 18:52

I really think that you should give the coat back, you have enjoyed wearing it for many years. Now your friend's daughter will have the pleasure of wearing it. Your friend should appreciate the fact that you have looked after the coat so well. Please don't be bitter about it and lose a friendship over it.

Crumpton · 08/09/2010 18:54

It sounds like the friendship will be on the rocks whether you return the coat or not.

The time laspe and the wording of the last demanding email make your friend unreasonable.

Jux · 08/09/2010 19:01

Sounds like the friendship's over now; so you can do what you like, really.

FetchezLaVache · 08/09/2010 19:02

OP, did your friend really word the second email along those lines, with no apologies or "you know what teenage girls are like" or "I know how much you've loved that coat" or anything to sweeten it? If so, she's extremely rude and I don't think you're being at all unreasonable.

However, I do think you should give it back, if for no other reason that your enjoyment of it will be tarnished.

In your place, I would email back, invite her and her friend to join you for a cup of tea when she comes to pick up the coat, and try to part on as good terms as possible so she'll think of you again when if her DD tires of it. But then I'm two-faced and devious.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 08/09/2010 19:07

Diddl and others - why on earth would the friend think of it as a loan when she was going to give it to the junk shop if Rockin didn't want it??

If I say to someone "I've got this coat from my Uncle - it's not my style, so would you like it - if not, I'll send it to the junk shop" then I am not making a loan, I am making a gift.

diddl · 08/09/2010 19:09

Where does it say she would send it to the junk shop?

LouMacca · 08/09/2010 19:09

To call it a loan after 16+ years is a joke. Blimey, you can claim houses and land after 12 years never mind a coat!

OP - I definitely wouldn't invite her for a cup of tea and leave on good terms. Your friend has treated you in a very shoddy way. I would rather have no friends than a friend like that.

But as I said earlier they is no way she would get the coat back off me.

Original poster
rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 19:11

paisleyleaf Wed 08-Sep-10 18:02:44

I think I'd've said no to the sewing machine too. That was obviously a loan and I wouldn't want the responsibility of it hanging over my DD.
I don't see how the sewing machine thing proves your point.

Yes that does look a bit odd on its own, so will clarify for you & others that have mentioned it......its in reference to an earlier comment

her argument was she say's " the coat was was a non conditional semi permanent loan", something that is normal amongst her friends & she has never had issues with anyone over it before"........

bear in mind we share some friends & I've not heard this before, & the sewing machine when offered in the same way, she now insists the coat was, & is a "normal" way for her to behave in lending out property amonst friends, was turned down by her, so in DHs opinion makes a bit of mockery of her argument.......IYSWIM

& ^paisleyleaf* had I known it was a loan of the coat & not a gift, I too would of turned it down for exactly the same reasons you mention......

& ^ddl*, no her first e-mail just mebtioned that her & DD had been looking at old photos, & DD had spotted the coat, & did I still have it.....been a bit brain dead right now, I answered honestly, yes its a favourite, & how much I really love it

to which I got threply, sadly DD feels equally as strongly, & DD trumps friend, & pick up arrangements..........she hasn't mentioned the coat in all these years,

& Tigerseye, you have pretty much hit the nail on the head there, though I love the coat & am loathed to part with it, its her attitude that has upset me most, though I can have some understanding of the Mum DD thing, & have no problem with her asking, but its the tone & demands that are upsetting, also that

she's now turning it around that I am questioning her honesty, & SHE is upset by that......no, sorry I re read my mail & realise its out of the blue & blunt & I know you are ill right now, I also asked her not to ring for a few days(sore throat & no voice right now), yet she just rang & demanded to speak to me anyway,

so I don't know what is going on, & I am torn, part of me now wants to take the higher ground & give it back & tell her to stick it, but from her attitude, I don't think she actually cares about anything about getting a coat back....which makes me feel like not giving it back

I'll sleep on it & see if sh comes back with anything calmer after she's done the same

OP posts:
dexter73 · 08/09/2010 19:12

It must be very difficult to recall exactly what was said in a conversation that took place 20 years ago. You remember the conversation your way and she remembers it her way.

Original poster
rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 19:16

Exactly Dexter, I can't remeber exactly what was said, only that it was a gift, & not to get rid, but pass it back if I didn't want it, or so I believed, yet she says she remembers word for word what she said & that I'm wrongHmm

OP posts:
ArseHolio · 08/09/2010 19:16

She sounds like a real cow. Tell her to piss off!

Original poster
rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 19:17

time for bed....my typing is getting scarier by the minute....hope my gobbldy gook makes sense...lol

OP posts: