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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very upset by friend demanding something back given to me 15 years ago??

555 replies

rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 11:39

I'll try not to ramble, but already feeling ill & now very upset, so excuse me if I do....I would apreciate opinions as to whether or not I am being unreasonable in, a being upset, & b, refusing.

Some 16 odd years ago, probably much more, ........my friend ...(who is one of my DDs 2 GodMums) gave me a vintage astrakan coat, passed to her by her uncle, but not her style at all, but very much mine..........she said at the time something along the lines of "if you change your mind & don't wear it, or want it in future, don't get rid of it, but let me have it back, maybe I'll keep it or pass it on"

Now I love this coat, repaired the lining & keep it for winter going out for special occasions & have looked after it well, so its still in as new condition

the other day I recieved an e-mail, telling me her DD now 17 had been looking through old family photos, & has fell in love with this coat...& wondered if I still had it & was it used..& could she have it back....at first I was confused & thought she meant a 1 she had passed over to my DD....

e-mail yesterday clarified what she meant....so I replied saying, yes, I still love it & wear it with pride & even included a recent photo (we don't live close to each other anymore)

Just now recieved a reply along the lines of....

Sadly DD feels just as strongly about the coat & DD takes precedence over friend, will be popping down to your town next Monday I will collect it then Shock

Confused
OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 08/09/2010 15:03

you're!

theyoungvisiter · 08/09/2010 15:05

but why do you still want it? I couldn't bear to keep it in your shoes.

Instead of thinking "here's my lovely vintage coat given to me by my dear friend x, doesn't it look nice", I'd be thinking "here's the coat I wrested out of the clutching fingers of my once-dear friend x, and ruined our friendship over. Hope it looks nice enough to justify that."

Surely if you know that she considers it hers and doesn't want you to have it, isn't that enough to take away any pleasure in owning and wearing it?

Beb · 08/09/2010 15:07

The bit that cracked me up most was that your friend said she "always passes things amongst her friends on non-conditional semi permanent loans" Grin

she sounds like a nutter, but let her have the coat back regardless. take the high ground.

FakePlasticTrees · 08/09/2010 15:12

e-mail her back. Say "I'm not joking, I'm upset, you are the only person I know who has non-commital loans rather than gifts. You are welcome to it, but to avoid upsetting your other friends you might want to make it perfectly clear you are giving them something for an indefinate length of time, they won't have any idea how long for and at some point you may or may not ask for it back, but they should care for and safely store your cast offs on the off chance.

Oh, and to avoid confusion, all the gifts I have given you over the years are gifts, I don't expect you to give them back."

But you probably are nicer than me so won't...

taintedpaint · 08/09/2010 15:17

This friend is so weird, I still think she's realised the coat finally has some use to it (to pamper to her DD) and she's inventing a reason to get it back. I wouldn't give it back, you are fully entitled to keep it. Has the subject of the coat ever come up in the 15 years since it was given to you? If it hasn't, this makes it sounds even more like she's being a chancer. If she demands it again and you decide to give it back, I would ask for anything you've given her or her DDs back as well. If she can't provide the items, you don't provide the coat. Simple. Might sound petty, but no worse than this idiot you call a friend.

BitOfFun · 08/09/2010 15:18

Do you not fancy my conditional loan then? Grin

The chances of me getting back into a size 8-10 are, er, slimmer than you getting 15 years out of it...

EmmyVonN · 08/09/2010 15:42

A glam black velvet coat instead of a fake astrakahn. And the moral highground? Sounds like you'll be better off OP.

ChaoticAngel · 08/09/2010 15:46

OP YANBU

A conditional loan? So she's used you to store it until she's found a use for it.

As for the family heirloom, well considering it would have ended up in a junk shop if you hadn't taken it, hardly sentimentally value to her.

booyhoo · 08/09/2010 15:53

wow, 11 pages about a coat!!!

tittybangbang · 08/09/2010 15:59

I'd put it - well wrapped up - in the loft in the most inaccessible corner, under tonnes of stuff. Tell her she's very welcome to retrieve it, but you can't get up there yourself because you've got a bad back. Wink

Original poster
rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 15:59

theyoungvisiter Wed 08-Sep-10 15:05:15

but why do you still want it? I couldn't bear to keep it in your shoes.

Instead of thinking "here's my lovely vintage coat given to me by my dear friend x, doesn't it look nice", I'd be thinking "here's the coat I wrested out of the clutching fingers of my once-dear friend x, and ruined our friendship over. Hope it looks nice enough to justify that."

Surely if you know that she considers it hers and doesn't want you to have it, isn't that enough to take away any pleasure in owning and wearing it?

:( sadly you are right, as much as I'm p'd off & don't want to give it up, & I do love & will miss the coat very much & its in as new condition, so even looking at vintage I wont be able to replace it.....( it is just to me, a lovely coat & a brilliant style & fit for my shape, (not easy for me to buy)

I think wearing it's now been spoiled forever, probably along with our friendship when I do eventually give it back, which as p'd & upset as I am, I will no doubt give into....the really sad thing is, unless her DD has lost some weight, I don't think it will fit her properly anyway, & I know from others who see her regularly, she;ll likely just trash it :(.........

& I've been thinking on the time scale, realising I've been living here for 10 years, so its WAY more that 16 years ago too, probably 20+..........so got to agree with those of you thinking she's a bit Mad....if it were me replying to a thread like this, I'd be saying the same

Oh well, c'est la vie

OP posts:
Flighttattendant · 08/09/2010 16:18

Someone said you're forgetting you've been giis thing for 15 years and really enjoyed having use of it.
It was a gift in the first place, or a generous loan.
I think some perspective is being lost, here. There are clearly other issues in the friendship to make it such a hugely important issue.

Flighttattendant · 08/09/2010 16:19

Sorry, giis isn't an actual word, is it.

Given This I think was what was eaten by the internet goblin. Blush

BonzoDooDah · 08/09/2010 16:43

I agree with FakeplasticTrees except the bit about giving it back.
I'd remind her she was going to throw it out to a junk shop if you didn't take it. That it is precious to you and that you wear it all the time ... and that her DD would be literally taking the coat off your back.
I really wouldn't give it to her. I'd be exactly the same as you - livid and upset - and all of those of you who say it's only a coat ... well it's only a coat her DD just happens to fancy. OP's friend needs to get a bit of spine and tell her DD - shame that you like it but I actually gave it to my FRIEND more than 15 years ago so there's no way you can have it. Live with it!

Raejj · 08/09/2010 16:52

Difficult. I would be mad as hell. Her daughter probably will just destroy it and it will lie in the back of a wardrobe until it has to go out. And she's not really asking for it is she? She's demanding without even a good bottle of wine thrown in for understanding. And it would appear she doesn't truat you to return it either as she's actually driving across country to pick it up? Just happens to be passing does she..... So I would hand it over but I would also let her know what you think of this and would never speak with her again but that's just me. bonzodoodahs comments summed it all up for me.

I would also consider leaving a very nice letter for the daughter in a pocket along the lines of 'please love and look after this coat as much as I have. It means a lot to me and breaks my heart having to give it away'.

It IS just a coat, but it isn't at the same time too?

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 08/09/2010 16:54

If it had gone to the junk shop, and then the daughter had wanted it, she'd have had to go whistle, wouldn't she!

dexter73 · 08/09/2010 16:55

I would give it back and then forget about it. It's only a coat.

LouMacca · 08/09/2010 16:57

rock - are there other issues with the friendship?

deemented · 08/09/2010 16:58

I don't think it's just the coat - i think it's the whole principal of it. It was a gift, and now the givers dd has stamped her foot and demanded it back.

I'd give it back and tell her to shove it, tbh.

corriefan · 08/09/2010 17:13

I think you should say you still really love it so if it doesn't look right on her dd or if her dd goes off it can you have it back? If not it'll gain far more significance than it really deserves.

My mum keeps things forever and sometimes I'll wrongly remember a bit of clothing or a bag that could have a second airing but when I actually get it, it's not quite how I remember it and just looks a bit old. If you keep cool about it you'll more than likely get it back in the end anyway.

If her dd does really love it, well at least it lives on!

lifeinlimbo · 08/09/2010 17:38

Does sounds like there is an underlying issue, because her behaviour is just so strange!

Possibly that ad. for a similar coat going for £500? haha. and perhaps when someone values something, it makes us want it more.

When we were kids, several families in our neighbourhood would pass around clothes that kids had grown out of. It was always a case of 'give it back if it doesnt fit/you dont like it', as we/they would then pass them on to other friends.

Your friend is BU, but I agree with corriefan and Bonzododah. You have effectively owned it for years and repaired and conditioned it.

Is she a good friend (doesnt sound like it), do you value her friendship in other ways?

Original poster
rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 17:40

^LouMacca*

rock - are there other issues with the friendship?

No not really, at least I didn't think so, but maybe there are on her part, who knows right now Confused.......bar the usual issues thrown up by her busy life, now living in a different City, & my having health problems that make keeping proper contact up difficult, my having young Kid, whilst hers are now grown & leaving home, but we've been friends long enough for that not really to matter, or so I thought

the bigger issue is the blunt rude attitude & lack of thought in her actions & the brass nerve of asking in the way she has after so long........I would of course be sad to loose the coat, & she knows that as I made it clear before I realised what she was after, but its the rest of it that bugs me more.....especially as she'd be the first to preach about not spoilining Kids with too many possessions.......I remember once wanting to get her DD a specially made Disney coat, & let her as I had a factory contact happy to provide whatever she chose......my friend refused point blank, saying she had a coat, & getting things too easily would give her the wrong idea & there was no need for her to have 2 winter coats.Confused......I know her DD has cother oats, so seems shes changed her tune

My DH has just reminded of something that makes a mockery of her "non conditional semi permanent loan" been normal amongst her friends

last year her DD wanted a sewing machine for her birthday, friend couldn't afford 1, & I have a spare brand new used once modern lighweight 1 that I hate (used to industrials so too slow etc) ....I offered it as a long term loan, made very clear that was the deal, explaining that I would want it back when DD was old enough to use it safely, & that she could then see if her DD was serious about using 1, before spending money.......she turned me down Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
rockinhippy · 08/09/2010 17:46

Those damned Goblins messing with my text now too Hmm ...lol

I remember once at about 6/7, wanting to get her DD a specially made Disney coat, & let her choose how she wanted it to be, as I had a factory contact happy to provide whatever she chose for me, & I would pay

OP posts:
saintlydamemrsturnip · 08/09/2010 17:48

I'm not understanding the link between the sewing machine and the coat.

You are thinking far too deeply about this. She thought she lent you the coat so didn't think there was anything wrong with asking for it back (and I can see why a 17 year old might want more than 2 coat.)

It's happened to me with the book I mentioned earlier. It wasa specialist book and quite valuable. But my thouht was just that I had misunderstood the terms undr which I was given the book.

FioFio · 08/09/2010 17:51

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