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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to object to FIL's caveat on gift?

127 replies

hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 11:19

just received v generous cheque from the ILs - they like to do things like this as it's tax efficient. cheques always come with a letter we are suppposed to file stating that the git is "free of all tax implications"....

so anyway, with this one they have suggested we put it towards school fees. yes - fine - we probably would do that anyway.

BUT he then goes on to say that it should not be used to pay fees at "so-called faith schools"

i object to this on so many levels - they're our kids, their education is our choice...

am also puzzled - their school is not a faith school and they have only just started. does he think it is a faith school? and if so is he actually asking us to move them?

AIBU to object to this?

OP posts:

PigeonPie · 08/09/2010 11:27

No YANBU. A gift is a gift - however generous it is and it should be up to the recipient to decide how to use it.

Itsonme · 08/09/2010 11:29

Surely if it's not, then you only need to tell him that. I don't really get what the actual problem is?

AnnaAlHaqq · 08/09/2010 11:29

how random

thefirstmrsDeVere · 08/09/2010 11:32

YANBU. Its either a gift or it isnt. If they feel that strongly they should have discussed it before they gave it to you. You would then have been able to decline it.

On a much smaller level my mum has done this - given money and said 'you wont put it in the bank will you? You will let him/her spend it?' In front of the kids! Pissed me off no end. She used to say in such as way as to make me sound like I was stealing it!

Or giving a book and saying 'dont let them spoil it, I cant stand damaged books' from a friend Well bloody keep it then.

Sorry about nicking your thread but I am agreeing with you

Vallhala · 08/09/2010 11:34

You can object. Better still, if you disagree with the caveat/want your DC to go to a faith school you can return the cheque saying, "Thank you very much FIL but I don't agree with your principals/I want my DC to have an education at X faith school so I can't accept this". It came with a caveat after all, not a gun at your head.

Only you know if he is aware of whether or not DCs is a faith school. If he does believe it is, it doesn't appear to me that he's asking you to move the DC. Where does it say that in his letter? It sounds like he is merely saying that he is giving you a (presumably handsome) sum of money which he wants you only to accept under a particular agreement. Nothing wrong with that AFAIAC.

You don't have to allow FIL to have influence over your child's education. You don't have to accept his money either.

mummytime · 08/09/2010 11:36

I would ask him to tell you what it was all about? Does he object btw if you sent them to Charterhouse? or has he a specific bone to pick? Or has he converted to Dawkins?

Also do discuss if it is a gift, does he really expect to tell you what to do with it? If he does I think that might have tax implications.

travellingwilbury · 08/09/2010 11:39

I would ignore what he said tbh , spend it on whatever you want to . Especially as you aren't going to be spending it on a faith school then it doesn't matter .

But I may well be feeling like this as I am on the skint side and would love someone to send me a lovely generous chq

Original poster

hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 11:42

am objecting to him poking his nose in.

and am puzzled by his comment as he knows we're not religious (definitely remember a very awkward conversation when we told them we weren't getting married in church....)

am not giving it back - and wouldn't even if we were going to break his 'rule'.

am an accountant. pretty sure there are tax implications.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 08/09/2010 11:50

I'd probably write back saying "thank you for the gift, you know what school they're at and we have no immediate plans to change, but I'm sure you understand that we'll make the choice on what schools are best for them in our own way"

So, politely saying "and keep your beak out.." without being nasty about it.

TrillianAstra · 08/09/2010 11:55

Ignore it. You weren't going to anyway. You can have a fight when he starts telling you not to spend money on something that you do want to spend money on.

Or you can spend his money on your mortgage and the mortgage money on a faith school.

verytellytubby · 08/09/2010 11:57

Am so jealous. Wish my in-laws would send me a cheque

IsItMeOr · 08/09/2010 12:07

Erm, if you object to the strings, don't take the money.

It is his money, and up to him what he does with it.

Think it would be pretty immoral personally if you would take the money even if you were going to break his `rule'.

BlueFergie · 08/09/2010 12:12

But you are not going to break his rule, so what exactly is the problem. This is a complete non issue. Spend it on the school fees like you were planning to anyway and hold your fire until there is an actual disagreement over how the money should be spent.

Goodness the things people worry about.

Deliaskis · 08/09/2010 12:32

Funny one this one. In your case I think it's a complete non-issue as they are not at a faith school anyway, so discussion over really. I agree it's puzzling, but nothing more than that.

I would normally say yes a gift is a gift for you to do what you will, except that we are in a situation where FIL is planning to give us money, and the same sum to SIL and BIL, for us all to be able to move house to bigger places, which we all do want to do. It is a gift, a very generous one, and I have no problem with him saying that is what the money is for. If someone wants to give you something for a specific purpose, what is the problem? There is no way I would even dream of spending FIL's gift on lavish holidays and a new car etc.

I agree that I wouldn't want him specifying which house we could buy with it, but I also wouldn't use it to do something that I know he wouldn't really have wanted, e.g. use it to completely relocate out of the area away from the ILs either, as I would know that was not what he had had in mind when he gifted the money.

Caveats with gifts are fine - if you don't like them, don't accept them.

BonniePrinceBilly · 08/09/2010 12:38

They send you generous cheques and you bitch and moan about their principles, even though they actually agree with yours?

Nice.

anyabanya · 08/09/2010 12:42

Perhaps there are tax implication for faith schools? I do not know.

Anyway, they can say 'free from tax implications' all they like, but i think that if your PIl die in the next 7 years (Which clearly we hope not) then all gifts are subject to inheritance tax anyway.

:) Wish we had inlaws like this though, have to say!

minipie · 08/09/2010 12:43

YABU

I agree your children's education is your choice. However, it's also your financial responsibility.

If you don't want PILs to have any influence on the type of school, then don't accept the cheque.

(Though as others have said, it's a non issue as they're not at a faith school anyway).

bigchris · 08/09/2010 12:46

What's all this about writing back to say thanks

surely your husband can ring his dad and have a chat about the gift?

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 08/09/2010 13:14

What BlueFergie said.

Maybe he watched that Richard Dawkins programme the other night and was appalled at what faith schools were (and weren't!) teaching their pupils - is he a scientist/engineer maybe?

Lauriefairycake · 08/09/2010 13:19

The correct response to anyone offering you a gift that you intend to receive is profuse thanks.

If you don't intend to receive it and put it to the use it was given for then return it.

It would be morally deceitful to spend it on what you want.

Spend your own money on what you want and if you intend to receive the gift spend that on what it was given for.

reallytired · 08/09/2010 13:24

I think you have to your ILs exactly what they mean. If you don't want to comply with the conditions of their money then give the money back.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 08/09/2010 13:25

Spot on Laurie.

If you don't agree with his caveat, then don't accept the money. How odd that you wouldn't.

ManicMother7777 · 08/09/2010 15:31

If DCs are at a non-faith school with a few years to go, I would advise the ILs that it's a non faith school then just be grateful and forget it. It is indeed a non-issue. I would be grateful if my DCs got even a biscuit from my ex-ILs.

diddl · 08/09/2010 15:38

I wouldn´t accept money that came with any conditions tbh.

Kathyjelly · 08/09/2010 15:42

Why not ask him why he added the caveat? He must be thinking of something specific.

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