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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to FIL's caveat on gift?

127 replies

hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 11:19

just received v generous cheque from the ILs - they like to do things like this as it's tax efficient. cheques always come with a letter we are suppposed to file stating that the git is "free of all tax implications"....

so anyway, with this one they have suggested we put it towards school fees. yes - fine - we probably would do that anyway.

BUT he then goes on to say that it should not be used to pay fees at "so-called faith schools" Hmm

i object to this on so many levels - they're our kids, their education is our choice...

am also puzzled - their school is not a faith school and they have only just started. does he think it is a faith school? and if so is he actually asking us to move them?

AIBU to object to this?

OP posts:
onceamai · 09/09/2010 12:32

Isn't he just skirting around an issue. They aren't at faith schools now but presumably they will transfer at some later stage, ie 8 or 13, and he's putting down a little marker to say that he doesn't approve of faith schools. Perhaps you should graciously engage him in a conversation about why he doesn't agree. Did he go to a faith school? Did he have a particularly difficult time there? Is this something he might still find hard to come to terms with or to discuss? But actually your in-laws are handing over cash and it helps towards the school fees. Mine just disapprove and are so mean that when my MIL's mother died she couldn't visit her father for a week because she would only buy an apex ticket. Don't ask what mine have stashed away but just thank your lucky stars. Perhaps we could swap for a month or two.

Fennel · 10/09/2010 10:44

Can I swap him for my parents or inlaws? if I promise not to spend the money on 'so-called faith schools'?

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/09/2010 10:49

I wouldn't accept any gift with conditions attached - esp not concerning something as major as kids education. All sounds too controlling to me.

And these gifts would have to be added back to PILs estate and may be subject to inheritance tax if he were to die within seven years of gifting you the money. (which I hope he does not of course.

bearcrumble · 10/09/2010 11:05

I've read the whole thread and I still don't really understand why you don't give him a ring and just ask what he meant by it as they aren't at faith schools.

Or if you husband knows it is troubling you why he can't. I know you said he'd decided not to ask but surely he should take your feelings into account and it's better to clarify things now rather than if matters get more complicated further down the line with more conditions attached to future cheques.

You can be grateful AND ask what the faith school business is about.

Calling your FIL an "old man" in the way you did is a bit disrespectful after he's done this to help you.

HappyMummyOfOne · 10/09/2010 11:21

I hope this is a windup otherwise what an ungrateful person the OP not not mention highly disrespectful with the "old man" comment.

ivykaty44 · 10/09/2010 11:24

If this is in the UK - then every school is a faith school, all schools follwo one denomination or another - its the law

TBH send the cheque back as you are not going to be able ot do what he wants

UnquietDad · 10/09/2010 15:13

Bizarre idea. Untrue that every UK school is a "faith school". A school is required by law to have an "act of worship" from which pupils may be voluntarily withdrawn. Not the same thing at all.

diddl · 10/09/2010 15:21

Well I would suggest that a school that has assembly, hymns & prayers is a "faith" school.

UnquietDad · 10/09/2010 15:22

And I would suggest otherwise.

diddl · 10/09/2010 15:31

Fine!

I would have thought a non faith school would be where there is no "act of worship" at all.

UnquietDad · 10/09/2010 16:00

Well, the problem is that schools are required by law to have one, aren't they? Some of them pay minimal lip service to this, though. Not the same as a "faith school" as that's one founded on the principles of a particular religion.

diddl · 10/09/2010 16:13

Independent schools don´t have to though, do they?

ivykaty44 · 10/09/2010 19:56

an act of worship is what then what are they worshiping if not faith?

ok you can exclude your dc from that part of school - but still faith is being preached making the school part of faith

sleepingsowell · 10/09/2010 20:35

I agree with what greensleeves said. It is very bad manners to give a gift but only on condition you control how it's spent.
The point is when you give a gift it's not your money any more so it's not your place to control how it's spent.

I think the OP should not accept the money.

UnquietDad · 10/09/2010 22:17

It still isn't a faith school. Entrance criteria is a biggie.

troublewithtalk · 10/09/2010 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arcticwind · 10/09/2010 23:07

You say he has 'suggested' you put it towards school fees, but a suggestion is just that, it does not appear to me to be a 'caveat' i.e. this money is for school fees and nothing else. So you can accept it and use it for whatever you choose.

And isn't the point about tax that gifts can be made with no reduction in your circumstances / standard of living and be exempt from tax? So the £3k / £12k / 7 years may not apply at all.

Spacehopper5 · 10/09/2010 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Numberfour · 10/09/2010 23:17

Have not read the entire thread. But FIL's condition is not a caveat, it is a condition. The gift is a conditional one.

piscesmoon · 10/09/2010 23:26

I don't see a problem either. It is a conditional gift-either accept it as such or give it back. (If someone is very anti something they are entitled to say that they don't want their money going to support it).

scottishmummy · 10/09/2010 23:43

his money can put any conditions on it he wishes.only you can decide whether or not you can live with the conditions.

ivykaty44 · 11/09/2010 10:50

So entrance rules dictate wheather a school is a faith school then?

CofE schools are faith schools as they follow CofE and preist or vacar coem to the school - where you live though is how you get into the school - not what faith or not you are.

diddl · 11/09/2010 11:42

"It is very bad manners to give a gift but only on condition you control how it's spent."

Really?

I´ve got money aside for the children to use as deposits on houses.

Should I not bother then?

Loriycs · 12/09/2010 02:18

oooo thats a loaded gift isnt it! i wouldnt be happy either, sounds more like a bribe! try talking to them and if you feel the conditional then return it!

SofiaAmes · 12/09/2010 05:51

Ok, I have an idea..
Is it possible that he meant it as a joke, knowing that you are not religious. I could see some members of my family sending a check to another family member with the caveat that it only got spent on aetheistic pursuits, even though the recipient was a diehard aetheist who would never spend money on religions anyway.