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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to FIL's caveat on gift?

127 replies

hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 11:19

just received v generous cheque from the ILs - they like to do things like this as it's tax efficient. cheques always come with a letter we are suppposed to file stating that the git is "free of all tax implications"....

so anyway, with this one they have suggested we put it towards school fees. yes - fine - we probably would do that anyway.

BUT he then goes on to say that it should not be used to pay fees at "so-called faith schools" Hmm

i object to this on so many levels - they're our kids, their education is our choice...

am also puzzled - their school is not a faith school and they have only just started. does he think it is a faith school? and if so is he actually asking us to move them?

AIBU to object to this?

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 08/09/2010 15:44

I agree with Valhalla and others who say that it is a caveat, and therefore up to you to accept or not if you don't want to be bounded by that caveat.

UnquietDad · 08/09/2010 15:47

I like your FIL's style actually :) Wish mine would send a cheque... Not for school, because we wouldn't use it for that, but I'm sure we could find something to put it towards...

SkiHorseWonAWean · 08/09/2010 15:58

As a "gift" it is exampt from tax unless he dies within 7 years. He's trying to help you!

Original poster
hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 16:52

goodness me!

i do appreciate it is very generous. we cannot afford to turn it down as it will cover a whole year of fees

am just puzzled by the rule. does he perhaps think that the kids are at a faith school? that's the only reason i can think he would make that comment - and it just felt like he was criticising us and trying to exert pressure.

of course dh will be contacting his parents to thank them - i hope he will also refer to the fact that the kids are not at a faith school just so that we are clear.

am not bitching - i just think why choose to be so generous and nice if you are then going to start laying down conditions.

and i do stick to my point that regardless of how generous he is, how we educate our children is our choice. they may not be at faith schools now, but if we change that then that is up to us - irrespective of whether he gives us more money or not.

I do understand IHT thanks Skihorse - but his annotation that there are no tax consequences is incorrect - until the 7 years are up.

OP posts:
SkiHorseWonAWean · 08/09/2010 16:57

Perhaps he knows something you don't about 9.9.2017! Grin

Original poster
hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 17:04

could be skihorse! at least he can rest assured knowing his financial affairs are in order!

OP posts:
JudgeJudithSheindlin · 08/09/2010 17:18

Actually if the cheque is £3,000 or less you don't have to wait the 7 years.

I think if you accept the money you have to stick to the caveat. If you don't want to then I don't see how you can accept the money in good conscience.

He's not taking advantage of the iht tax breaks for himself (he can't - he'll be dead) he's doing it for your dh and family. He doesn't have to do it at all.

diddl · 08/09/2010 17:26

It also depends on how much is given in a year as well, doesn´t it?

ilovemydogandMrObama · 08/09/2010 17:30

Just say 'thank you' and accept graciously. It isn't really a caveat as you aren't changing anything anyway.

Original poster
hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 17:30

the cheque is for more than £3k.

i do realise his planning is all for our benefit - am not whinging about his generosity/forward planning - just not sure i like his rules and am concerned that there may be future gifts with further rules attached.

if this is his legacy to us, then he's doing it in a very controlling way.

OP posts:
JudgeJudithSheindlin · 08/09/2010 17:31

It does indeed. And birthdays, weddings and other occasions can be used to make inheiritance tax exempt gifts within certain limits.

Nice problem to have eh?!

IsItMeOr · 08/09/2010 17:31

hatsy - it's not uncommon for people to make charitable donations for specific things. I know it's a bit of a bind for the charities (as it might be for you). But it doesn't stop the gift being anything other than generous and nice.

He may well think that he wants to do something for his DGC, and is keen to "protect" them from a faith school education, if that makes any sense?

ILoveDonaldDraper · 08/09/2010 17:32

I think you are being very unreasonable and you sound spoilt and ungrateful.
I am an atheist so in your FIL's position I wouldn't want my money being spent on faith schools either. He is entitled to have a genuine objection to his hard earned cash being spent on something he objects to as a matter of principle.
My DH and I are currently working out how to save for school feels - you are bloody lucky to have someone giving you a big cheque to pay for a year's worth. My in laws give money to my DH's brothers but not to us because we are both lawyers so they think we are rich anyway!
If you want to send your kid to a faith school, explain to your FIL and ask him if he wants the money back. If you don't, then gratefully accept it.

JudgeJudithSheindlin · 08/09/2010 17:42

You get £3,000 per person, per year. So a £6k cheque would be within the limits if for a couple and could be £12k if for a couple, from a couple. Any way the amount doesn't matter unless it's v large and he snuffs it within 7 yrs and you have to find 40% to give hmrc.

Gosh this is so simple: if you don't like the strings don't take the cash!

If you were being offered a large amount of money to do a job you really didn't want to do you would turn it down wouldn't you?

Why is this so hard?

MrsMellowdrummer · 08/09/2010 17:49

But there are special rules for school fees aren't there?

I only know this because we've just accepted a cheque from an ageing relative, specifically for school fees. Normally she would pay them on our behalf, but this time she has sent us a letter declaring that is what the money is for. Sounds like that is what your FIL is doing too.

I'd be a bit bamboozled about the faith school thing too though...

Original poster
hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 17:51

realise that this is a non issue as kids not at faith school (and won't be for at least 5 more years - if ever) - but that is patr of what puzzles me.

does he think that they are at a faith school? if he does, what does he think we will do? if he knows they are not at a faith school then why make the comment???

OP posts:
JudgeJudithSheindlin · 08/09/2010 17:57

Maybe he doesn't expect you to spend the money now but use it in the future?

Original poster
hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 18:02

i am not spoilt or ungrateful. he has been very generous and dh has already thanked him. (although has not raised the faith school q)

we do not expect him to fund the kids education - we can fund this ourseles, but a year's break is not something i will be turning down thanks. you sound very bitter donald draper - FIL has been completely fair and transparent about this and has treated all the siblings the same.

i am just puzzled as to why he has made the comment in the first place. if he knows they're at a secular school, then why bother saying anything? if he thinks they're at a faith school, then what is his aim?

all of this against the backdrop of a man who was in tears when dh told him we would not be getting married in a church.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/09/2010 18:04

The children´s education is your choice.

But if FIL is paying-should he have a say?

Can´t you use the money for something else?

Original poster
hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 18:08

he's only paying for one year though.

if he wants this to be a permanent arrangement then we would need to discuss - i would not want him to hae any input over which secondary school the kids go to - and if that means me paying for that in its entirety, then that's how it will be.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/09/2010 18:10

Well if you can fund yourselves, why not put it away for something else?

ILoveDonaldDraper · 08/09/2010 18:10

I am far from bitter - I don't want my inlaws money in any event, and DH and I earn many times what his brothers do so they need a handout far more than we do.

I just think its a bit of a pointless complaint - particularly if you read some of the other threads on MN in which the posters are clearly really struggling to make ends meet. A complaint about being given thousands of pounds is not terribly edifying.

Original poster
hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 18:12

because he has specifically said that he wants it to fund the kids education.

and that he doesn't want it to be spent on ' "so-called" faith schools '

OP posts:
Original poster
hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 18:21

am not complaining about being given money. and am not trying to boast.

you did complain that you had been treated unfairly - so you are backtracking now.

i am complaining about my FIL trying to influence how dh and i choose to edcuate our children. i am unclear why he has made this comment. i feel we shoudl clarify but dh doesn't want to bring it up.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/09/2010 18:30

If he wants it spent on school fees then I think you should decline & say that you have that covered, thank you.