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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to object to FIL's caveat on gift?

127 replies

hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 11:19

just received v generous cheque from the ILs - they like to do things like this as it's tax efficient. cheques always come with a letter we are suppposed to file stating that the git is "free of all tax implications"....

so anyway, with this one they have suggested we put it towards school fees. yes - fine - we probably would do that anyway.

BUT he then goes on to say that it should not be used to pay fees at "so-called faith schools" Hmm

i object to this on so many levels - they're our kids, their education is our choice...

am also puzzled - their school is not a faith school and they have only just started. does he think it is a faith school? and if so is he actually asking us to move them?

AIBU to object to this?

OP posts:
Original poster
hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 18:48

really? you'd turn down that much money?

gosh.

by having a year off school fees, we can pay off a chunk of the mortgage, go skiing, and revamp our kitchen. am not turning all that down just because an old man has written something a bit odd in a letter.

if dh doesn't want to clarify this with his dad, then am just going to let sleeping dogs lie.

if FIL tries to exert real influence on our lives going forward (as compared to a ery unclear situation right now), then i will indeed return the money.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/09/2010 18:54

by having a year off school fees, we can pay off a chunk of the mortgage, go skiing, and revamp our kitchen. am not turning all that down just because an old man has written something a bit odd in a letter.

Oh FFS, this is a wind up, isn´t it?

nomedoit · 08/09/2010 18:56

I want to announce that if any member of my family or anyone at all wants to give me money I will agree to any conditions and stand on my head.

No one in my family has ever given us a penny and I'm not holding my breath...

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 08/09/2010 19:00

Why don't you clarify it with your FIL, given that you are also planning to take his money? I think I'd be doing that before posting on MN asking for validation of my decision.

BlueFergie · 08/09/2010 19:00

Jesus some people don't know they are born. Take the money, thank him profusely and stop getting your knickers in a twist about compromising some principals. Especailly when your FIL is in complete agreement with yours.

ILoveDonaldDraper · 08/09/2010 19:05

I am starting to think this must be a troll.

diddl · 08/09/2010 19:07

Well yes.

TBH if child(ren) not at a faith school then it´s a non issue & it just smacks of boasting imo.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 08/09/2010 19:09

It is a bit of an odd ball thread, that's for sure

Claw3 · 08/09/2010 19:15

You should take it up with your FIL and not accept the gift if you dont agree with the conditions attached.

If your attitude is "am not turning all that down just because an old man has written something a bit odd in a letter"

YABU, because you said that you objected to it, when you are not objecting to it at all, you are just whinging about it on here.

Original poster
hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 19:24

it is simple.

he wrote something odd in a letter that i don't understand.

dh will not clarify it further with him

the gift is generous, but the caveat leaves a bad taste.

while we can accept this and spend as he intends now, am concerned that it shows a desire to have influence over the kids education.

i was just wondering if anyone else thought that was alarming.

the afternoon crowd generally though i was NBU but the evening crowd think i am being a spoilt brat who should return the money.

ok - will stop posting. i know what i meant

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 08/09/2010 19:26

Dammit - don't us evening ones always come on and just spoil things Wink

SeaTrek · 08/09/2010 19:27

It sounds like your FIL is trying to give you a contribution towards your DCs non-faith school education rather than straight financial gift. I guess he is just trying to say that he is happy to contribute towards what you have currently chosen but not if any change were made (i.e. you subsequently moved them to a faith school).

I personally think he has every right to do that. This is his hard-earned cash. He is not dictating that cannot send the DCs to a faith school, just that he doesn't want to contribute his money towards that.

As your DC's are already at a non-faith school then all is well, surely?

How lucky you are!

Claw3 · 08/09/2010 19:37

So you are concerned he wants to influence your kids education, you dont understand, it leaves a bad taste, you find it alarming.

But you wont clarify anything with him.

Objecting would be raising your concerns with him. Objecting would be refusing the gift until the conditions were clarified.

You asked in your OP are you being unreasonable to object. You are not objecting to anything, you are accepted the gift, however it was intended.

Original poster
hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 19:40

am objecting to his intentions.

if it were my parents, i would clarify. but it's d's decision to not clairfy this with his parents and i am not going to go against his decision.

we are very lucky, and grateful - it will make for a much more comfortable year.

as you were.....

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 08/09/2010 19:45

Well, if you object so much then either do something about it and clarify things with your FIL (and I'm sure your DH will understand, if you feel so passionately about the issue), or stop complaining. As you say, it will make for a much more comfortable year, but it sounds as if your principles can be bought quite easily.

And as you were...

naturalbaby · 08/09/2010 19:48

at no point were any mn's going to be able to answer your question - i don't see how it is confusing, he's just stating his preference. the only person that can clarify what he meant is your fil, and if you aren't going to get an answer from him direct or via dh then you'll just have to move on and put it down as 'one of those things'. there have been plenty of loaded statements from my il's that i could have asked them to clarify but life is too short and at the end of the day i'm the one making key decisions as the parent so they can say what they like.
there are plenty of grandparents that like to have a say and influence in various aspects of their grandchildren's upbringing, it's only natural that they want what's best and if they consider something like faith schools an important factor then why shouldn't he bring it up?

Claw3 · 08/09/2010 19:53

You cant object to his intentions if you dont know what they are!

So you have principles that you feel strongly about and you are alarmed that your principles could be undermined, but not that alarmed to turn down a pound note!

Original poster
hatsybatsy · 08/09/2010 20:07

eerything i say gets twisted on here

my dh is accepting this cheque from his father. i am not a payee - it is not up to me to make that decision or to query any part of the transaction with my fil.

we can use this for the kids education with no qualms.

BUT - there will be a niggle as to exactly what he meant. i hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the future with more onerous conditions.

if at any stage i am asked to compromise my principles to take this man's money then i will have to insist we decline.

i ugess i was just objecting to what his intentions could be - if we take the worst case scenario. consensus seems to be that am getting my knickers in a twist about nothing.

OP posts:
Claw3 · 08/09/2010 20:21

Hasty, i agree with you to a certain extent a gift is gift and shouldnt come with conditions attached.

What is confusing me is you feel that strongly about conditions being attached, it should be raised with your FIL. Which set of parents gave the gift is irrelevant.

Anyhow, enjoy your ski trip.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 08/09/2010 20:31

I completely 'get' how hard it is to question your in-laws esp. when you are not a payee but really, in this case when it's your children who are involved, I think you need to speak to them directly. It doesn't need to be a confrontation, more a "can I just ask what you meant" type conversation. Surely your DH couldn't object to that, could he?

SpeedyGonzalez · 08/09/2010 20:36

Honestly, what kind of a gift is that? It's like when parents give you money for your wedding then try to dictate how you should be wed. Ludicrous.

Find a Muslim school to enrol your children into and send him a pic of your daughter in a hijab! Better still, a burqa! Grin

annec555 · 08/09/2010 21:06

You seem to find it hard to believe that someone would find it possible to turn down a large amount of money. It is not that difficult to do. I have done it. I was given quite a large cheque by a relative when my son was born. After lengthy discussions we decided that due to the complicated history with this family member and the implications of the gift, we would not accept it. We returned it with an expression of gratitude and asked him to simply buy a gift for the baby if he wished to give us anything.

I assume that you are not on the breadline since you are talking about money being freed up for luxuries so while this money would be nice to have, you don't actually need it to get by. However odd your ILs' caveat, it is their right to make this request. If it makes you uncomfortable in any way then surely the proper thing to do would be to return it. Otherwise, to a great extent, you are putting money above your own personal beliefs and morals.

Just decide what is more important to you - the money or not feeling controlled by your ILs. Whatever your decision, your ILs deserve to be treated with respect and gratitude.

Original poster
hatsybatsy · 09/09/2010 08:03

speedy - like your style!

PIL are complicated characters. dh and i both sometimes struggle to understand them. against that backdrop we get a generous cheque with a strange note attached.

we have accepted the cheque. kids are not at a faith school so there is no current issue - dh did reiterate that in his thank you letter to them. there is no moral issue with that IMO.

so - while i find the sentiment controlling and objectionable, there is no actual control being exercised at the moment.

am pretty sure this will be the first of many cheques. if at any stage there is a real conflict then we will have to return the money

OP posts:
2rebecca · 09/09/2010 09:14

I find the cavea reasonable. It isn't a simple gift. It's a cheque for you to spend on something specific. If I become a rick old biddy and decide I want to contribute to school fees I wouldn't want the money spent on faith schools because I'm an atheist. If my kids feel differently they can fund the indoctrination themselves.
I don't think it's controlling. It would have been more sensible for inlaws to discuss it with you both first rather than leaving a cheque with a note. The note does seem odd if kids already at private school that is nonfaith, especially as most private schools I know are less religious than the state ones.

sungirltan · 09/09/2010 09:24

ring him up. ask him if he thinks the dc school is a faith school. explain that it's not. explain that although you appreciate the gifts of money the being told what to do with it makes you feel uncomfortable. although if he is anything like my dad this will go totally over his head.

or you could take a different tactic. maybe he wants to feel involved in the dc education. you could invite him to the next open/sports/whatever they have day - he might like that?

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