WIBU? Lashed out at DH’s family a bit

[sterrryerryoh]

Oh Bugger - long post, sorry
I lashed out at my Dh?s cousin?s girlfriend

So WIBU?

DH and I have adopted a baby, and we couldn?t be more thrilled. The adoption journey began three years ago after several years of IVF and TTC. Not once during all of this time has anyone in DH?s family asked us how we are or how things are going, despite knowing all about the IVF/Adoption etc through DH?s mum.
Not a problem to us - some people just don?t want to interfere or know what to say. It has never bothered us, their apparent indifference, as we know there may well have been reasons etc.

We adopted our DS in January this year. To date, only one of DH?s cousins have met him (and this is a close family - we used to see each other about once a month) - we asked DH?s brother why they were staying away, and he said it was so ?we could bond? as a family. OK, fine - we have sent them all messages to say they are welcome to come round, but no real responses until the Friday just gone by.

It was DH?s cousin?s 30th - we all went out for a meal. DH?s OTHER cousin and his girlfriend are expecting. A little way into the meal she said to me ?Sorry about being pregnant. It must be gutting for you?
I said ?Erm? what?? and she said ?With you having to adopt and not have your own. Just saying, sorry?
So I said, ?It?s fine - I have my lovely DS, and am fully aware that other people get pregnant - I?m thrilled for you? - so then she said, ?Oh good - we were wondering - is it you that?s barren or is it DH that?s firing blanks? - cue much laughing and chortling at the table. So DH replied ?You know, that?s a bit personal and insensitive? and she said ?Well, sterrry said she?s alright with it, so come on - give us the goss? We?ve been dying to ask?

So, I calmly replied ?If you genuinely wanted to know what our difficulties were, the time for you to talk to us and offer support might have been during the invasive fertility testing a few years ago. Or it might have been during our failed IVF cycles, or it might have been at some point over the last three years of our Insanely painful and highly emotional adoption journey. To be honest, saying this poisonous crap to us right now smacks of insensitivity and voyeurism? to which she replied ?so it?s you then, and he's alright.?
DH and I looked at one another, stood up and I said ?Hope your fucking food chokes you, you bitch? and walked out.

Bit dramatic I know, but she?s a cow, right?

Or did I just bring myself down to her level?

DH think I did just fine, and he?s completely behind me, but I feel a bit of an arse, as they?re his family and I might have made things a bit horrible now?.

just read this thread ....your response was fab.

congratulations to you, mr sterry and baby sterry

Hopefully once this little maddam has her child it will make her think twice in the way to speak to people with regards to events in their life's.

p.s kew i have just poured my eyes out watching your video congratulations to you both also you both look so very happy

YADNBU
There are a few women - please dont flame me I said 'a few' who get incredibly smug about being pregnant as if they have somehow done something really clever. . I have children and one other sister has children but our other sister has struggled for years and now given up sadly - in her forties. My sister who has kids is called 'mother earth' by several members of family - you know the type - only woman ever to have a baby - walks in the room with that pregnant waddle (and with hand in small of her back) at 6 weeks. Never misses an opportunity to mention our other sisters 'problem ' in company and then says to our mum when she told her off about it - Well I was only trying to be sensitive - hmmm - trying being operative word.

Guess which sister and cousins our sister who cant have children hangs round with !

Sterry I know this is cheeky but any chance of a pic of your DS? I am very nosy and won't even strike through that word and put something more subtle!!!

Excuse me whilst I pick my jaw off the floor. I am utterly flabbergasted at the complete and utter vileness of these people. I feel so so angry on your behalf and I applaud you for not physically assaulting her. Hurrah for your wonderfully pithy comeback and the fact that you and your husband have such a wonderfully strong and united front. Lucky lucky little boy to have such lovely parents. DO let us know if they come crawling back - even a thousand apologies would not be enough to make up for such behaviour. You are well shot of them - odious bunch.

The annoying thing is though, that the eloquence and dignity of the major part of Sterrry's response was totally wasted on these people. We emotionally intelligent MNers can appreciate it, but those sorts of people could only relate the "F*ing food choking you, you bitch" part. That's the level they operate on in life, if the "firing blanks" phrase is anything to go by.

It sounds as if it's already become entrenched in family legend as poor mouthy having been sworn at by an over-sensitive Sterrry about her "barren-ness," (is that a word?) when all she did was ask.

Sterrry's right. You can't reason with people like this, including the PILs, so in order to remain sane, the best thing is to rise above it and keep distance.

Yes, Longtalljosie, it is a matter of presentation, and those two "stories" do sound so different, but even if PIL had heard that Sterry had called Mouthy a bitch, surely PIL could be biased enough in their son's favour to ask more, and not take it for granted that son is wrong and Mouthy was an innocent victim.

Please don't think I'm dissing your analysis, though - seeing those two "stories" written side by side makes a real impression. Yet the PILs' human hearts ought to have been subtler than to accept gossip which hurts their son (let alone his whole little family).

Yes, Pluperfect, and lets not forget that Mouthy is only a cousin's girl-friend, not a sibling's girl-friend/wife. You would expect the PIL to have an automatic initial loyalty to Sterrry regardless of the conversation that took place.

Ohhh, surely not?! Bastards.

gingerkirsty - thank you so much for asking about DS - it?s really nice of you. Due to child protection issues and concerns about being identified, we?ve taken the decision not to publish photos of DS anywhere - it?s also compliance as part of the adoption order. Hope you understand, but it?s so lovely of you to ask

YANBU she sounds nasty. Congratulations on your baby :) and cherish every minute with him. Some people are not worthy of your friendship even if they are inlaws.

Thanks Sterry of course understand completely - I know nothing about adoption procedures so it didn't occur to me. Bet he's gorgeous :)

Only just seen this thread and waded through the whole thing.
I agree with the consensus that:
a) Sterry is marvellous
b) Sterry's dh is marvellous
c) Mouthy is very much not marvellous and amply deserves the verbal slapping Sterry so eloquently delivered.

Mouthy aside - you pils sound v disappointing. It sounds like the whole family is a bit short on emotional intelligence and just can't compute that infertility exists and that you don't have to give birth to a child to be totally and utterly their parent. I get the impression reading between the lines Sterry that they blame you for this and are actually judging you on a number of grounds. Ugh!
That's a shame for your ds and for you and dh not to have their support but if it isn't there it isn't there and I think you are absolutely right to not let that dominate your thinking. It's their loss ultimately.
I would like to think that when Mouthy has her child in her arms she might 'get it' but I doubt it somehow....

She sounds really horrid.

And watch out, if she is this horrid, she may find a way to "accidentally" drop it in that your DS is adopted, in gatherings where you may not want this known.

Avoid, avoid!

NothernLurker - I actually think you?re dead right that they blame me for the whole infertility thing - I?d never thought about that before, but it?s entirely possible. They honestly don?t ?believe? in infertility and probably think we should just try harder!! The really (ironically) amusing thing about this whole sorry state of affairs is that the causes of infertility in our case are male and not female. I do have PCOS, but am not infertile, whilst DH is - but I?m never going to say that to any of them, because then I suspect DH would be in for a lifetime of verbal shots.

I look at my darling little DS, and his smile and his brand new teeth, and his commando-crawling, and I just know that he is my son, and I?m his Mummy - and no amount of vitriol from ill-informed and judgemental relatives will ever change that.

Commando-crawling is v cute My dd1 was in to that and could get all over the place at 5-6 months but then took till 9 months to sit up!

Sterry - I hope my post hasn't upset you. You are SO in the right here and they are SO wrong - in every sense!

Oh gosh, NL, haven?t upset me in the slightest. I?ve had some amazing perspectives from the replies on this thread, and some really interesting theories have been raised. Thank you for your lovely words

Ahhh at your last post - good on ya

So if your husband had said what you did then that would have been OK?

How many other grandchildren do his parents have?

Diddl - who knows? Maybe I?m just over thinking things a bit and starting to let things creep in that aren?t actually there. Maybe they don?t blame me for the infertility, but I definitely still think they don?t believe in it!

They have a granddaughter as well (DH?s brother?s DD)

It´s just really hard to think why this woman is getting so much support, isn´t it?

I think all people are hearing is that you called a pregnant woman a bitch tbh.

TBH I can´t believe that you are even considering seeing any of them again!

Parents can be v odd though.

I remember when I was pregnant my mum saying, well it had better be a boy as I´ve already got a granddaughter

And although said jokingly, she meant it.

I don´t think she ever knew how much that hurt tbh.

Just read this thread. Sterry I think you and your DH are amazing and that your DS is a very, very lucky boy indeed. Mouthy and all the rest sound absolutely vile - I hope you can continue to rise above it and avoid them as much as possible and also that they somehow come to recognise what a happy family you are. You have so much to be proud of.

'I look at my darling little DS, and his smile and his brand new teeth, and his commando-crawling, and I just know that he is my son, and I?m his Mummy - and no amount of vitriol from ill-informed and judgemental relatives will ever change that.'

oh my god i am almost sobbing here! sterry you are still my hero

diddl i had that too - when i was PG my StepMIL said to me - 'well i guess your mum wants you to have a boy as she just has girls - actually WE want you to have a girl as we just have boys...'

i said to her 'actually we would like a happy healthy baby but thank you for your concern'

Congratulations also on your excellent use of the word 'nebbing'

Nobody uses or understands that word round here and I miss it

I havent used the word 'nebbing' since my teens! am gonna throw it into conversation now and totally perplex my non geordie mates!

Coming in on this way late due to being on hols (damn!)

Just wanted to say that I've actually had tears in my eyes thinking of those self-obsessed twits not welcoming your DS home . I just don't get it.

Hopefully this thread has counted as something of a belated welcome and congratulations from all of us