WIBU? Lashed out at DH’s family a bit

[sterrryerryoh]

Oh Bugger - long post, sorry
I lashed out at my Dh?s cousin?s girlfriend

So WIBU?

DH and I have adopted a baby, and we couldn?t be more thrilled. The adoption journey began three years ago after several years of IVF and TTC. Not once during all of this time has anyone in DH?s family asked us how we are or how things are going, despite knowing all about the IVF/Adoption etc through DH?s mum.
Not a problem to us - some people just don?t want to interfere or know what to say. It has never bothered us, their apparent indifference, as we know there may well have been reasons etc.

We adopted our DS in January this year. To date, only one of DH?s cousins have met him (and this is a close family - we used to see each other about once a month) - we asked DH?s brother why they were staying away, and he said it was so ?we could bond? as a family. OK, fine - we have sent them all messages to say they are welcome to come round, but no real responses until the Friday just gone by.

It was DH?s cousin?s 30th - we all went out for a meal. DH?s OTHER cousin and his girlfriend are expecting. A little way into the meal she said to me ?Sorry about being pregnant. It must be gutting for you?
I said ?Erm? what?? and she said ?With you having to adopt and not have your own. Just saying, sorry?
So I said, ?It?s fine - I have my lovely DS, and am fully aware that other people get pregnant - I?m thrilled for you? - so then she said, ?Oh good - we were wondering - is it you that?s barren or is it DH that?s firing blanks? - cue much laughing and chortling at the table. So DH replied ?You know, that?s a bit personal and insensitive? and she said ?Well, sterrry said she?s alright with it, so come on - give us the goss? We?ve been dying to ask?

So, I calmly replied ?If you genuinely wanted to know what our difficulties were, the time for you to talk to us and offer support might have been during the invasive fertility testing a few years ago. Or it might have been during our failed IVF cycles, or it might have been at some point over the last three years of our Insanely painful and highly emotional adoption journey. To be honest, saying this poisonous crap to us right now smacks of insensitivity and voyeurism? to which she replied ?so it?s you then, and he's alright.?
DH and I looked at one another, stood up and I said ?Hope your fucking food chokes you, you bitch? and walked out.

Bit dramatic I know, but she?s a cow, right?

Or did I just bring myself down to her level?

DH think I did just fine, and he?s completely behind me, but I feel a bit of an arse, as they?re his family and I might have made things a bit horrible now?.

kew....let me come back to it

Xpost!

Wow how did such a screwed up family raise such a lovely man? Well done your dh!

"I do love him! Immune to pregnancy and don?t see it in others. He is one classy bloke, my DH. And his parents are fuckwits" Spot on Sterry

At least you can now chill out knowing you can focus on people who really enjoy having your lovely little family in their circle.

oh, I love you both !

What a nice man your husband sounds. And I want to be your friend, too, Sterrry, well done on not just crying or running off (what I would have done, probably). I read the whole thread this afternoon while bored at work and was absolutely gobsmacked at the rudeness. Slightly horrifying that your husband's parents have got the wrong end of the stick so dramatically. Are they always like that?

Oh lordy, they just don't get it do they? What a terrible shame, I really thought they might have a bit more understanding. But what a total and utter superstar your DH is.

Dearie me, your DH is so sensitive and lovely and normal! How did this happen coming from some seemingly . . . . erm . . . . insensitive people (euphemism I would like to point out).

What to say? except congrats (again) and mwah mwah (sorry, very twee and a bit naff) to all three of your beautiful little family.

p.s. text a link to the Mouth (since boo hoo she's removed you from her facebook list) so she can see what the general consensus is

Oh yes, Horton, they?ve got a massive broom on standby to sweep our awkward stuff under the carpet. To be honest, they don?t bother us any more - we?ve talked and talked and talked about them until we?re sick of it, and now we?re just rising above them. I can actually find them funny now - and I?m glad that we have the measure of them while DS is young, so that we can be prepared for any ?blunders? they may make in the future regarding his adopted status. DH?s Mum, at a large family event a few months ago, actually pointed out her granddaughter (Dh?s brother?s biological child) and her ?adopted? grandson - says it all really.
I didn?t think there was much to be gained from going round, but he had a go, and the result was as expected
Sod the lot of ?em I say!

Sterries - I'm not suprised, it's such a typical parental attitude - they seem to forget we aren't 5 anymore fighting over which colour cup we want... I have been there :(

Do either of you care what they think? If you do, you are going to have to sit them down and tell them word for word what Mouthy said. They weren't there and have obviously heard a very skewed version of events.

Still so on your behalf....

Sterry - I always say that if DS is ever described as my "adopted" son in my obituary ( soooo common) then I will come back and haunt the whole bloody family!

Tip - if anyone describes him as your "adopted" DS then you can ask "oh is that one your vaginally delivered/caesarian section (delete as appropriate) child?"

You need to practice - it takes a bit to get it to sound a bit vague and off hand...

Chipping - Nope, we don?t care. They can think what they like. We are all (mouthy etc) supposed to be spending Boxing Day together, so am going to spend the next 4 months preparing witty retorts for any eventuality!

Nah, not really - she?ll have had the baby by then, so will be the star. I?m sure we can be magnanimous and congratulatory and hopefully maintain our higher ground!

Kew- brilliant!!
Vaginally delivered child. Perfect!

Hey Kew- that was a really beautiful slide show and you have a lovely boy.

I am also in your DH?s fan club!

This thread has had me in tears. What an incredible person you are. And what a sad state of affairs. Your ?little family? sounds absolutely wonderful, and your PIL are really missing out. Their loss, Sterry. If MN had a Hall of Fame I?d nominate you for an award. Much love to you, your DH and your darling little boy

I'm really failing to understand what your DH's family find so hard about engaging with your son. Surely you'd just welcome him to the family as you would any other child - turn up with cards, lots of pressies and offers of assistance?

You guys worked and struggled and went through painful medical procedures and endless vetting to create your family. What did Mouthy do - open her legs? What an achievement

(PS, that's not to be mean to those conceiving naturally, I have, but really, what's to brag about?)

You should send your PIL a copy of the exact exchange between you, Mouthy and DH so there's no room for misunderstanding and then make it very clear to them that you expect their understanding and support.

Then you should make it clear to the rest of the family that if they want any kind of relationship with you ever again, they could start by welcoming your son into the family properly. Hmph!

Sterry - Your DH is awesome. So are you. Your DS is a lucky boy he will grow up with two amazing parents.

Vaginal or otherwise

ROFL

Wow. For so many reasons
The incredible dignity of you and your DH.
The insensitivity of your DH's family
The amount of love for your DS and DH that poursout of your post.
AND
The fact that you have posted in AIBU and got a unanimous YADNBU (shouldn't MN spontaneously combust now?

Kew that slideshow is amazing, you are so very lucky he is a georgous little man..

Sterry congratulations on your son, anyone who can not see what a blessing he is, doesn't deserve to be in your life... And doesn't deserve to be in his, no way should he ever be made to feel second best or second prize...

Kew - what a fabulous video, I am sat here in bed balling , he is beautiful

Oh, dear, Mouthy & Foot got in first, and DH's parents were just too lazy to bother waiting to hear your side of things. If Mouthy is not even their neice in law, but just their nephew's girlfriend, that's jolly generous of them, to put someone so tenuously linked above their own so and his becoming a father, isn't it?

Crap parents. You are much better, even so newly formed.

Wow! I'm so impressed with your an dh's poise, grace and integrity, you have done such a wonderful beautiful thing, I feel sorry that his family do not appriciate that. Sorry for them that is. My dad was adopted and his parents were just wonderful, they died a while back now and were the most incredible grandparents too.
I suppose some people are blessed with fertility and others are blessed with wonderful marriages, kindness and compassion.
Congratulations on your baby, all the best for the future x

You would have been more reasonable if you'd chucked a glass of red wine at her as well. Seriously, who says terrible things like that? What a heartless woman your DH's cousin's girlfriend is.