WIBU? Lashed out at DH’s family a bit

[sterrryerryoh]

Oh Bugger - long post, sorry
I lashed out at my Dh?s cousin?s girlfriend

So WIBU?

DH and I have adopted a baby, and we couldn?t be more thrilled. The adoption journey began three years ago after several years of IVF and TTC. Not once during all of this time has anyone in DH?s family asked us how we are or how things are going, despite knowing all about the IVF/Adoption etc through DH?s mum.
Not a problem to us - some people just don?t want to interfere or know what to say. It has never bothered us, their apparent indifference, as we know there may well have been reasons etc.

We adopted our DS in January this year. To date, only one of DH?s cousins have met him (and this is a close family - we used to see each other about once a month) - we asked DH?s brother why they were staying away, and he said it was so ?we could bond? as a family. OK, fine - we have sent them all messages to say they are welcome to come round, but no real responses until the Friday just gone by.

It was DH?s cousin?s 30th - we all went out for a meal. DH?s OTHER cousin and his girlfriend are expecting. A little way into the meal she said to me ?Sorry about being pregnant. It must be gutting for you?
I said ?Erm? what?? and she said ?With you having to adopt and not have your own. Just saying, sorry?
So I said, ?It?s fine - I have my lovely DS, and am fully aware that other people get pregnant - I?m thrilled for you? - so then she said, ?Oh good - we were wondering - is it you that?s barren or is it DH that?s firing blanks? - cue much laughing and chortling at the table. So DH replied ?You know, that?s a bit personal and insensitive? and she said ?Well, sterrry said she?s alright with it, so come on - give us the goss? We?ve been dying to ask?

So, I calmly replied ?If you genuinely wanted to know what our difficulties were, the time for you to talk to us and offer support might have been during the invasive fertility testing a few years ago. Or it might have been during our failed IVF cycles, or it might have been at some point over the last three years of our Insanely painful and highly emotional adoption journey. To be honest, saying this poisonous crap to us right now smacks of insensitivity and voyeurism? to which she replied ?so it?s you then, and he's alright.?
DH and I looked at one another, stood up and I said ?Hope your fucking food chokes you, you bitch? and walked out.

Bit dramatic I know, but she?s a cow, right?

Or did I just bring myself down to her level?

DH think I did just fine, and he?s completely behind me, but I feel a bit of an arse, as they?re his family and I might have made things a bit horrible now?.

Sterrry I would do as Diamnondback suggested... it's worthy of a C&P!

^Diamondback Wed 08-Sep-10 10:50:17
Don't go! Just send a message back to your SIL to say that you really appreciate her inviting you and that DS is lovely and it would be great to have tea soon, but that you won't be there for the babyshower and that you're not upset that Mouthy is pregnant (which is what you've heard from your PIL), but you are upset that she called you 'barren', said your DS wasn't 'your own' and was rude about your infertility problems, even after your DH told her you didn't want to talk about it. You have to be clearer than clear with everyone that this problem is NOT about Mouthy being pregnant^

The issue is her behaviour, not her pregnancy and they need to understand that.

Sending a present to her sends the message that you over-reacted to her behaviour. Please don't! When the baby arrives, if you want to send presents, send things that the baby will enjoy (in time to come) such as toys, teddies, do not send things they will benefit from (clothes, practical things etc) Send the card to 'baby' welcoming him/her into the world, don't send it to them congratulating them... make distinct differences that count.

DS is your son, their Grandchild, Nephew etc
IMO it's important that DH's family (who he is not yet/if ever ready to completely cut ties with) GET this and GET it NOW while DS is a baby and too young to overhear & 'store' their comments. If you don't make it clear right away that he is 'your son', not 'your adopted son' they will continue in this vein.

Tell SIL that you would love to see her whenever she would like to visit, because although she sounds far from perfect, she is one of the two that has been to visit since the arrival of DS.

TBH I can´t help thinking that Sterry´s ILs have made their position perfectly clear.

They have had years to get used to a "non biological" grandchild & months to welcome the little chap now that he is here.

Perhaps best to send a gift when baby is here.

goodnightmoon I can see what you?re saying , about people not wanting to pry, but we have been open to talking about it over the years. When another of DH?s cousins had their first baby, and someone said to us ?when?s it your turn then?? (this was about 6 years ago) we explained then that we were having fertility problems, but that was basically the end of that conversation. I just think they didn?t know what to say about it and that is absolutely fine. BUT they have never even asked how we are, or how it?s going, even when we started the adoption.
DH?s mum told the family when we were matched with DS, and we didn?t get one message of support, or a congratulations text or anything. Again, we just coped with that. But I?m not cross with them for not asking over the years - I?m cross with them (her) for using her pregnancy as a way of opening up a conversation, assuming that me and DH are ?over it? with one quick sentence, and then making a joke about it, whilst wanting the goss on our situation. That?s clearly to satisfy their own curiosity and absolutely nothing to do with friendly chatter or support. In my opinion.
If they wanted to know, genuinely, then they have had many opportunities to find out. Talking to us in this way made us feel like a circus freak show and I believe it was voyeurism and self-satisfying nosiness on the worst level
Chipping In Actually, yes. I think you?re right about making the distinction between sending the baby something and not her. And it might make her check her own actions about not sending us anything when DS came home. Thing is, we have tried with Dh?s Mum and Dad about the adoption. Our social worker even went round to speak to them, we?ve talked to them and we even bought them a brilliant book called ?Adoption for Grandparents? - I don?t know what else we can do, to be honest, other than keep on hammering it home (we have got some training on this with social services)
I have sent my Sil a message back saying ?thanks for the invite. We get back from our holiday on that date, so I don?t think I can make it. Sterrry Junior would love to see you too - are you free next week for a coffee??

Thanks again

I am speechless. My jaw has hit the floor three times as I have read all this. I think the first part of the initial conversation I could have put down to extreme ignorance and stupidity, but the last ?so it?s you then, and he's alright? was just unnecessary, bitchy, smug and plain nasty.

Do his parents realise what was actually said - the actual words?

As for the babyshower - I would ensure that you stop off somewhere on the way back from holiday so you have a legit excuse.

Congratulations on your lovely son - he sounds amazing [smils].

That sounds perfect sterry, I suppose it could be a case of divide and conquer with the clique- ie if you chat to SIL in depth about it she may start backing you up when they're in their little clique?

But the thing for me is that the Bitch is now being "rewarded" with a baby shower.

What is it about this woman ?

Has absolutely no one said that she was wrong in what she said?

Bravo!!!! I've just read through the whole thread. What a wonderful response you gave to Mouthy. I wish I could think of things like that to say when on the spot. So YANBU at all.

It is obvious that Mouthy has the IQ level of an amoeba and even less sensitivity.

Your DH sounds like a wonderful man and congratulations on your DS. My heart melted when you described how he said 'Mama' for the first time.

I find it interesting that your DH's family think you are upset about Mouthy's pregnancy. They clearly just don't get it. Surely the aim of pregnancy is to produce a DS or DD? You have a DS, so why on earth would you be upset that Mouthy is expecting when you already have your own beautiful baby boy?

Surely it doesn't take a genius to work out that being asked personal questions about the medical history of you and your DH is not something that you or your DH wish to discuss? It seems that Mouthy was trying to apportion blame for you and your DH's infertility. This is absolutely disgusting, and not to mention irrelevant as you both now have a child.

Your DH is right. Do not respond to DH's brother's text message. DH's brother needs to grow up and learn to use a telephone and a) apologise for laughing and b) find out if you, your DH and DS are all OK. A text message does not suffice. However, although DH's brother is going about it in the wrong way, I think he may be trying to make amends and is obviously feeling a bit sheepish. BUT, make him sweat.

As for your SIL, do respond to her. Say that you appreciated and enjoyed her last trip to see DS and you would very much welcome another visit.

Decline the babyshower. At the end of the day, Mouthy hasn't invited you, it's SIL. This may be because she is trying to hold the family together. I personally wouldn't give excuses for not attending. I would simply say that you don't feel it's appropriate.

It is entirely up to you if you want to set the record straight with SIL, but if you do then adding something along the lines of: 'I was deeply saddened that at the most recent family gathering it was thought appropriate to ask DH and I about the causes of our infertility, more specifically with the intent of apportioning blame. This was deeply insensitive and also irrelevant. DH and I now have our own beautiful little boy whom we love very much and we could not be happier.'

Sounds like you have a wonderful family, though. And that's a very good thing

even!

sterrry - it sounds like they've all behaved badly. it's hard to know how to address that.

i guess i'd just be concerned that now an antagonistic tone has been set and your dealings will be uncomfortable herein.

"it sounds like they've all behaved badly. it's hard to know how to address that." - I'd try a flame thrower - maximum coverage.

DISCLAIMER - I am not seriously (much) suggesting that Sterry nukes her DH's whole family...

sterry i am so at the attitude of the IL's - the bloody lot of them - but so proud of your little family, you are emerging from this with your head held high.

i wouldnt go to the shower and i wouldnt send a present - another poster (i cant remember now) suggested you email your SIL with the exact reasons why you are backing off, in that it is not because mouthy is pregnant but because of the lack of understanding that you are all 'absolutely fine' i agree with that approach

you are all so dignified and i applaud you - i could learn a lot from supersterry

ps - in a way are you relieved? now you can cut the lot of them out of your life - if that is what DH wants that is! IYSWIM

Sterrry, I may be off here but could your Mil be put out by the fact she saw a social worker? Maybe for her that has connotations and if she's a bit snobbish that may explain some of her attitude. This isn't my opinion of course, just trying to think of a reason for your pil's attitude.

I still can't get why a cousin's gf seems more important to them than your dh and yourself.

"I still can't get why a cousin's gf seems more important to them than your dh and yourself"

Yes, it´s hard to believe, isn´t it?

How gorgeous is your ds, Kewcumber??

I've only just read this, as I've been ill for a few days and nowhere near a pc.

I am absolutely gobsmacked at Mouthy. and equally astonished by Sterry. Wow, you and your DH make an amazing team, and your ds is a very lucky boy indeed. Congratulations to you both.

I sincerely hope that Mouthy's child grows into a better human being that his mum could ever aspire to.

Again, congrats and best wishes to Sterry and family.

OMG Kewcumber what an adorable DS!

Just a thought, but could you print this off and accidentally include it with a present? (laughs evilly)

It has been annoying me to think that you have been put on the defensive about this. Perhaps you could capture that ground from them, and once you have told DH's parents exactly what was said (the wording is important), your response thereafter should be something like: "You know, I can't believe you are still trying to to revisit this argument. Mouthy really must be feeling defensive about it, but I really am not interested in arguing any more about it. She was bloody rude and unpleasant, had plenty of chances to stop pushing, and didn't, and that angered both of us. End of story. Are you all going to keep carrying on about this forever? What kind of message does that send to our DS? Or to her child?"

Well, maybe the last bit is an unpleasant dig which is unworthy of you.

YUBU... You were too nice..You should have shoved the plate where the sun dont shine.

What a grade A Bitch.

Hope you are loving motherhood

You know, as if the original exchange with Mouthy wasn't bad enough, I'm absolutey fuming (on your behalf) about PIL's response to the situation.
It's good that your DH didn't allow it to hurt him and batted back their words reasonably politely, but I mean, really.
"Hissy Fit?" "Upset about Mouthy's pregnancy?" "Time to move on?" F*ing car tax???
I admire your restraint, but really, I don't think I'd ever speak to any of them again. Let alone consider going to a sodding baby shower for that bitch.

OMFG -- this is an unbelievable thread.

Is there a special MN badge for heroes? I want sterry to get one.

I'm angry with your DH's brother. Where did they get that version of events from? Him, I'd argue.

Dignified silence is all very well but there's also an argument for making your side of things very plain before it solidifies into family fact.

I wonder whether your SIL might be an ally? She has made an effort to be involved, and despite the baby shower is still keeping the lines of communication open

Longtall - I don?t know who has told the PIL about ?the incident? - I don?t think SIL is an ally, tbh, as although she is a nice enough person, she?s very close to Mouthy (they?re going away together on holiday next week) and was also one of the people there that night.
Honestly, I think I?m just going to let sleeping dogs lie - I think if there?s this level of apathy and indifference, and ignorance, of our situation and history at this stage, then really nothing we can say is going to change things. If there is an event or situation where we are all together again, and if it?s appropriate, then I will say something, but I?m pretty sure that it?s already attained legend status in the family archive, and I suspect I?m not the hero.
My PIL continually do things to make me mad, tbh, but mad in a sort of exasperated way, rather than actual anger, but it?s not new to us, and I was never really expecting their support over this. Mouthy?s outburst shocked and angered us, but we dealt with it, and we will just continue to do so, I think.
I bumped into MIL in our local Tesco last night. Obviously didn?t have much opportunity to say anything, but she was pleasant enough - but did keep banging on about her own birthday which is next week, and the meal-out for one of the cousin?s birthdays, which is also next week. I found it ever so amusing. I?ve been her daughter-in-law for eleven years, and she didn?t mention mine once - which is also next week!

Feeling so much better about everything now.

"I'm angry with your DH's brother. Where did they get that version of events from? Him, I'd argue."

Sorry, longtalljosie, do you mean where DH's parents got their version of events? There are so many "they"s in this story!

If that's what you meant, it's a good point, although worth keeping in mind that DH's brother might not have done anything deliberately malicious. For one thing, many people are absolute rubbish at telling stories coherently and producing the required effect! For another, the PIL do sound as though they were already "confused" about the way Sterry and MrSterry think and do things. It's always possible that they thought it was easier to "understand" what they wanted to understand.

Yes sorry pluperfect, I did mean the PILs. And I take your point, but it's all about the top line, isn't it (to lapse into journo-speak)?

Either you say:

"You won't believe what Mouthy said to Sterry last night. Sterry and Mr Sterry actually walked out"

or you say

"There was a right set-to last night. Mouthy asked Sterry about the whole fertility thing and she called her a bitch and they both walked out"