WIBU? Lashed out at DH’s family a bit

[sterrryerryoh]

Oh Bugger - long post, sorry
I lashed out at my Dh?s cousin?s girlfriend

So WIBU?

DH and I have adopted a baby, and we couldn?t be more thrilled. The adoption journey began three years ago after several years of IVF and TTC. Not once during all of this time has anyone in DH?s family asked us how we are or how things are going, despite knowing all about the IVF/Adoption etc through DH?s mum.
Not a problem to us - some people just don?t want to interfere or know what to say. It has never bothered us, their apparent indifference, as we know there may well have been reasons etc.

We adopted our DS in January this year. To date, only one of DH?s cousins have met him (and this is a close family - we used to see each other about once a month) - we asked DH?s brother why they were staying away, and he said it was so ?we could bond? as a family. OK, fine - we have sent them all messages to say they are welcome to come round, but no real responses until the Friday just gone by.

It was DH?s cousin?s 30th - we all went out for a meal. DH?s OTHER cousin and his girlfriend are expecting. A little way into the meal she said to me ?Sorry about being pregnant. It must be gutting for you?
I said ?Erm? what?? and she said ?With you having to adopt and not have your own. Just saying, sorry?
So I said, ?It?s fine - I have my lovely DS, and am fully aware that other people get pregnant - I?m thrilled for you? - so then she said, ?Oh good - we were wondering - is it you that?s barren or is it DH that?s firing blanks? - cue much laughing and chortling at the table. So DH replied ?You know, that?s a bit personal and insensitive? and she said ?Well, sterrry said she?s alright with it, so come on - give us the goss? We?ve been dying to ask?

So, I calmly replied ?If you genuinely wanted to know what our difficulties were, the time for you to talk to us and offer support might have been during the invasive fertility testing a few years ago. Or it might have been during our failed IVF cycles, or it might have been at some point over the last three years of our Insanely painful and highly emotional adoption journey. To be honest, saying this poisonous crap to us right now smacks of insensitivity and voyeurism? to which she replied ?so it?s you then, and he's alright.?
DH and I looked at one another, stood up and I said ?Hope your fucking food chokes you, you bitch? and walked out.

Bit dramatic I know, but she?s a cow, right?

Or did I just bring myself down to her level?

DH think I did just fine, and he?s completely behind me, but I feel a bit of an arse, as they?re his family and I might have made things a bit horrible now?.

your DH is my hero of the day

OP so your ILs think it is fine that their son & his wife got victimised/ridiculed for not being able to have children together?

They sound as bad as Bitchmouth tbh.

Do you intend to see them again?

I assume they have other grandchildren for yours to be able to mean so little to them.

Why not email this thread to your ILs, who seem to be totally insensitive. Sorry but I'd love to give them a piece of my mind, or send them to my DHs Aunt for a piece of hers.

I wouldn't go on Boxing day if they don't really want to see you anyway, go for a long walk instead.

I don?t think they really believe in infertility - I know that sounds a bit weird, but it always seems as though they just disregard it in a ?well, well never mind? kind of a way. It?s impossible to talk to them about it. They?re not bad people, they are just don?t get it. I?m not condoning their attitude - we?ve had years of despair over it - but we?ve come through it, and honestly it?s not worth us wasting our time on any more. (This is DH?s parents I?m talking about, not Mouthy and the rest of ?em - that was news to us!!)
DH has said that he?s going to let them (PIL AND the rest of them) be the ones to make the next move - and if they don?t, well so be it. We are very lucky in that my parents and sister and BIL live just a few miles away, and they?re fabulous, so we do have a wonderful family.
I think we?ve just been through so much to be able to have our son, and whilst we?d love to have them on board, we have got so much life to look forward to, that they?ve become inconsequential, almost. It took DH a long time to reconcile his thoughts this way (they are his family after all) and he is sad about it, but has made the decision not to lose sleep over them. The adoption was so hard on us, and they weren?t there then when we really needed them. We?re so happy now, that we really feel that it?s they who are missing out, not us.
I?ll let DH make the decision re: Boxing Day, and whatever he chooses, we?ll just get on with it.
Adoption makes you thick skinned!!

Although?. There is a part of me that really wants to email them (Mouthy especially) a link to this thread. DH says I?d be being petty, but I reckon I?m owed a bit of that. I probably won?t do it though?

Keep it as the ace up your sleeve!! When Mouthy at some future time announces that 'everyone' thinks you over-reacted, you can prove that the 300 odd people you spoke to certainly didn't agree!

Sorry you're not getting support from DH's parents - infertility was a 'brushed under the carpet' thing until pretty recently - sad though.

Hope you have fun today with your ds!

They would probably think it´s the opinions of strangers so doesn´t "count"!

I don´t think your son would lose out by no contact with them tbh.

I have visions of them harping on & on to him about being adopted & not their "proper" grandchild.

sterry you are doing really well to rise above it. I wouldn't be able to let it go until I knew, that DH's parents knew, exactly what she said and how funny they all thought it was - although, I suppose if they said 'well, well, never mind' when you were telling them about the infertility stuff, they'll probably just do the same anyway :(

I'm really sorry they are all like this, it's sad. No matter how thick skinned you become, it's not nice & it does still hurt.

It's great that you have your family nearby and that they are lovely :)

By the way, the 'vaginal birth son/daughter' comment does work!

Sterry - a standing ovation for your DH too. You guys have been - and continue to be - so strong and dignified: your lovely DS is lucky to have you as his parents and will doubtless grow into a wonderful compassionate and thoughtful person. I would keep the high ground if I were you - and know that you have the combined might of this thread behind you if Mouthy et al start in on you guys again (though with any luck they'll get some braincells for christmas this year and wont do so). Enjoy your lovely family unit of you DH and DS and supportive family members - and sod the rest of them.

Kew - what a lovely video :) You are indeed very lucky!!

Well done you, I think you were very restrained personally. Apparantly my dad's eldest brother greeted the news that he (and my mum of course) was going to adopt me by saying "so you're taking on someone else's bastard then".

Flaming Nora Sterry, Mouthy is horrible, but I can't believe the reaction of your PIL - you would have thought that a child, any child, would be worthy of fanfare, no matter how that child came to be.

I cannot imagine anyone being that crass, insensitive and fucking stupid - (not the same, but) In my own family my DSD was welcomed with open arms and is treated by my mum and dad the same as all the grandchildren - no distinction whatsoever - I would expect that for any child.

When my sis was having fertility problems she started the adoption process, but sadly her and her DH split up and she didn't feel able to carry on, on her own. If she had, her DC would have been treated EXACTLY the same as all the others - it's what sane people do.

Well, sit back, dont engage and let them miss out - you've got your own little family now - and that's what is important.

(oh and congrats to you, your DH and your DS - you're All very lucky to have each other!)

Kew....I completely appreciate your point of view.

Wow, Sterry, I've just read through this whole thread, and I want to say how much I admire you and your DH. You retained your dignity in the most trying circumstances, you most definitely did not go over the top and you are, without even a shadow of a doubt, NBU.

You clearly have a fantastic marriage - you and your DH are a fabulous team, only made better by the addition of your lovely son. I can't believe anyone could not welcome an adopted child into the family - we have experience of this with friends, and their DD is just that - their DD, we all love her and her entrance into our world was greeted with the same joy as any other child would be.

Enjoy your wonderful family, and we all look forward to reading your posts about how your DS won't sleep at night/painted the kitchen walls with his dinner/said 'I love you mummy' for the first time.

Oh thank you all again.
Poledra - DS said ?Mama? for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and now whenever I leave the room he points at me and says it. It broke my heart, because that was a moment I never thought I?d ever have!

Anyway - I digress. Update: DH?s SIL has sent me a Facebook message this morning saying ?Hey Sterrry - hope ?Sterry Junior? is OK. Haven?t seen him for ages. Are you free on November 27th? Throwing a surprise baby shower for Mouthy, and would love you to be there. Let me know.?

Now, we are on holiday the week before, and we actually come back on the 27th - but all being well, it will be in the morning. Should I go???

Hmm.
Is there any merit in talking (not FB) to DHs SIL before you commit?

Was DH's SIL at The Incident?

I am gobsmacked that anyone would think you would be remotely interested tbh.

Of course if you don´t go everyone will think you´re snubbing her & the baby!

I don´t really agree with babyshowers-and certainly not for bitches!

Katisha - yes she was there.
We?re not that close, to be honest - I don?t even have her mobile number, but she has been only one of 2 members of DH?s family who have come round to visit us since we had DS.
She is nice enough, but I do think it?s a bit of a strange invite so soon after Mouthy and I have clearly had words. I think I?m going to have to talk to her. Fortunately I do have quite a good get-out clause, in that we only return from our holiday that day.

Diddl - I think this is my worry. That it?s a test of some kind, and that if I don?t go, then it looks like I?m avoiding them.
I don?t know why I said ?worry? actually. I?m not that bothered what they think any more - I wish they?d just leave us alone. I?m very suspicious about this - if it had been a message asking how I am, or if I wanted to talk or something, then that would have been one thing. But an invite to a party - for Mouthy of all people! It seems a little

It is odd. They possibly think they are magnanimously offering an olive branch and that you were in the wrong. And that you are jealous and not coping - this could be how they are justifying themselves.

Given that she has bothered to come and see you she may be more open to the truth, which I think it would be good to talk about to her.

How about saying you can´t due to holiday but sending a present for baby?

Don't go! Just send a message back to your SIL to say that you really appreciate her inviting you and that DS is lovely and it would be great to have tea soon, but that you won't be there for the babyshower and that you're not upset that Mouthy is pregnant (which is what you've heard from your PIL), but you are upset that she called you 'barren', said your DS wasn't 'your own' and was rude about your infertility problems, even after your DH told her you didn't want to talk about it. You have to be clearer than clear with everyone that this problem is NOT about Mouthy being pregnant.

Decline. After all, a baby shower is something for the mother, not really the baby, so you are not being unfair to an innocent child in not going. You can tell SIL why you are not going: that you don't want to have anything more to do with Mouthy, and certainly don't think she deserves a present from you.

Sheesh.