WIBU? Lashed out at DH’s family a bit

[sterrryerryoh]

Oh Bugger - long post, sorry
I lashed out at my Dh?s cousin?s girlfriend

So WIBU?

DH and I have adopted a baby, and we couldn?t be more thrilled. The adoption journey began three years ago after several years of IVF and TTC. Not once during all of this time has anyone in DH?s family asked us how we are or how things are going, despite knowing all about the IVF/Adoption etc through DH?s mum.
Not a problem to us - some people just don?t want to interfere or know what to say. It has never bothered us, their apparent indifference, as we know there may well have been reasons etc.

We adopted our DS in January this year. To date, only one of DH?s cousins have met him (and this is a close family - we used to see each other about once a month) - we asked DH?s brother why they were staying away, and he said it was so ?we could bond? as a family. OK, fine - we have sent them all messages to say they are welcome to come round, but no real responses until the Friday just gone by.

It was DH?s cousin?s 30th - we all went out for a meal. DH?s OTHER cousin and his girlfriend are expecting. A little way into the meal she said to me ?Sorry about being pregnant. It must be gutting for you?
I said ?Erm? what?? and she said ?With you having to adopt and not have your own. Just saying, sorry?
So I said, ?It?s fine - I have my lovely DS, and am fully aware that other people get pregnant - I?m thrilled for you? - so then she said, ?Oh good - we were wondering - is it you that?s barren or is it DH that?s firing blanks? - cue much laughing and chortling at the table. So DH replied ?You know, that?s a bit personal and insensitive? and she said ?Well, sterrry said she?s alright with it, so come on - give us the goss? We?ve been dying to ask?

So, I calmly replied ?If you genuinely wanted to know what our difficulties were, the time for you to talk to us and offer support might have been during the invasive fertility testing a few years ago. Or it might have been during our failed IVF cycles, or it might have been at some point over the last three years of our Insanely painful and highly emotional adoption journey. To be honest, saying this poisonous crap to us right now smacks of insensitivity and voyeurism? to which she replied ?so it?s you then, and he's alright.?
DH and I looked at one another, stood up and I said ?Hope your fucking food chokes you, you bitch? and walked out.

Bit dramatic I know, but she?s a cow, right?

Or did I just bring myself down to her level?

DH think I did just fine, and he?s completely behind me, but I feel a bit of an arse, as they?re his family and I might have made things a bit horrible now?.

Sterrry, some people are worth making the effort for, some aren't.

I think this puts you between a rock and a hard place. Mouthy will be looking for a reaction from you, you know that. And it really does sound like she hasn't been the only one gossiping about your situation. But don't go and they'll talk anyway. Doesn't seem kind either way.

I'm baffled over the effort for a cousin's gf from your pils and sil, tbh, as opposed to your dh and you and ds. Why is she being treated like the princess here?

Don't do anything you do not want to do.

Loving hearing about you and ds, love the 'mama' - so happy for you.

('babyshower' ffs...)

The thing that comes shining through this thread for me is what wonderful parents you and MrSterry are being and are going to be, Sterry, and what a lovely family the three of you are.

You're a star for the way you handled the original incident, and for the way you are continuing to handle it, and MrSterry is a hero for backing you up so well, and for that exchange with his parents.

I think it´s a "set up".

And you might find it hard to cope & then they will feel that they were right & you overreact all the time.

I don´t think anyone is worth bothering with to the extent of risking upsetting yourself tbh.

If none of them can see any wrong in what Bitchmouth said then they are all lost causes imo.

But of course it also depends on if you are bothered about getting "in" with them all again.

Me, I could probably happily never see any of them again.

Yes, that?s a good idea Diddl. Truth is, I don?t actually want to go anyway. And now I?m starting to be suspicious for everything based on past behaviours, and I don?t want to be that person.
Yes - send a present, but not go because of the holiday.

Or? suggest that it could be a joint baby shower for me AND her, because I didn?t get one, and suggest that they can all bring me presents too, because we didn?t have any?.

That was a joke.

Oh and note that it´s an invitation for something on behalf of Bitchmouth.

Not asking how you are & wanting to see you.

Oh gosh. Big cross-post,

Yes, diamondback - I think you?re right. I think they do all fervently believe that I?m either jealous of her pregnancy or not coping - and honestly neither of those things could be further from the truth. I came to terms with the fact that we would never conceive a long, long time ago - and if you could see my DS?. When we brought him home, DH and I were both worried that my some freak of nature we?d end up conceiving naturally, and would never love a birth child as much. I absolutely couldn?t imagine our family any other way, and I think our adoptive status makes us special. We were able to give DS the parents he needs, and he filled a big DS-shaped hole in our lives. How lucky are we???
So, it definitely isn?t that - but I don?t know how important it is to me that they know that?s the case. I?m so sick of the lot of them, that I don?t really care if they think I?m not coping or jealous. I know differently. In fact, I?m even smug about it - as I know damn well that Mouthy wouldn?t get past the first hurdle of adopting!

Scratch that last line, I?m being a bitch now.

It?s all so silly, and I?m just over thinking everything now. I think I shall just send a pressie and decline the invite gracefully due to the holiday.

It could all have been avoided so easily - we?ve never had any problem with talking about our infertility or the causes behind it. All of our friends now - but this lot have piled so much mystery on it that they?re now desperate to find out. Well, I may just withhold the information forever

Sorry for the ridiculous amount of spelling/grammar mistakes in that last post - DS is asleep and I?m trying to stop the dog from barking whilst typing at the same time. Hope you all got what I meant!!

Do think carefully about sending a present.

I understand that you might be wanting to do something for an innocent baby. You are bowled over with your own emotions, and that is great.

However, you must understand that any present from you will seem like condoning what she said and did, and that would be wrong.

If you do, make sure it is the plainest thing possible, so that only the baby will benefit. You can make it an organic cotton sleepsuit, but just make sure it looks like nothing special, so Mouthy gets no yummy-mumminess out of it.

OR send an Oxfam fresh water pump! The child can "help" other children as his/her start in life. It's a smug thing to do, and should drive Mouthy wild!

The charity goat present - oh yes!

oh yes!! Fresh water pump!
Or... make a donation to an adoption charity on baby?s behalf?

Sterrry, what I am hearing is that they want to see you not cope. Why do you think that is?

For some reason Mouthy isn't content with having a baby herself. Insecurity? Lack of self-esteem? Who knows. But she set out to hurt you and isn't going to let up. This poor woman obviously has 'issues' and you are wise to steer clear.

I'm glad that you know that her opinion and that of the rest of dh's family doesn't matter. Ds is the man who counts.

(I feel so happy when I think of you and your little family )

I don?t know spiritmum - interesting question about them wanting to see me not cope.

As I said previously, I am a bit older than the rest of them (and older than my toy boy DH!) the ?cousins? (all male) are all 30-ish, and their wives/girlfriends are all around 23-27. I am 37. DH and I moved in together 12 years ago, when they were all still at school/college/first jobs/living at home etc, and DH and I have always been seen as the independent ones - financially and in action. DH and I both have great jobs (we focussed on our careers a lot during the TTC period) and are financially secure, and have a great marriage. I think it has always rankled with the in-laws that Dh did not provide them with a descendant. DH?s brother AND all of the cousins often have hand-outs to help them cope with life etc. This is not jealousy on our part - we?ve been offered money many times, (ie deposit on house etc) but haven?t taken it as we haven?t needed to. I think there may be a bit of envy on their part sometimes that we just get on with things, and don?t have to reply on parents etc.

This is me thinking aloud, by the way - I haven?t actually mused over this before, but it would seem to make sense that DH and I have always been the first in terms of getting married, moving away, getting good jobs and getting on with it before many of them had even met their partners or thought about moving out. Maybe they?re looking for a chink in our armour?

Yes, well, if someone has something in their lives that makes them feel a little bit crap then very often the reaction is to make someone else feel crap so that they can feel superior. Seems they have picked a particularly shitty way to go about it.

As for Mouthy, she must feel very crap about herself, to want to hurt others so much.

And your dh has provided the pils with an heir...

Thinking about it, Mouthy is locked into her position. There is no way she can get out of it now without such a loss of face that she might as well have plunged her head into acid. She sounds a selfish girl, so is unlikely to do that.

She is likely to keep up the offensive, to defend herself, rather than letting the matter rest.

Do you really want to engage with people who will keep trying to prove that Mouthy (and they) were right?

I also think Mouthy is very jealous of DH because she always wanted to be a journalist but went to work at a doctor?s surgery instead - a job she hates with a passion. (when I had her on Facebook, every status update was about how awful her job is). DH is a radio presenter and news journalist, and she?s never managed to bring herself to talk to him about it, or ask anything. I think she?s just a bitter little madam on many counts

Talking on here has made everything so clear.
I genuinely don?t have to see these people if I don?t want to - I have barely seen them since January when we brought DS home. I?m just not going to waste any more time worrying about them.
I?m declining the baby shower, and I shall wait and see nearer the time as to whether or not I send a present.
We?ll go on Boxing Day (I think) and see what happens, but there?ll be lots of people and the pressure should be off. If it?s not, I?m sure we can think of something to say!

Yes! I just don?t care enough about them to want them in our lives!

coming in late and i agree you handled it brilliantly.

BUT I can see that you well know that people not asking during infertility is usually because they don't want to pry and are respecting your privacy, so I don't think you can hold a grudge that cousins, etc. weren't asking over the years.

I'm sure there are scores of relatives and friends of relatives who know the gritty details of my own miscarriages, infertility treatments and subsequent conception but it doesn't surprise me that none of them mentioned it to me during those long and painful years. I always felt it was up to me to bring it up.

So, when this horrid woman found that you were willing to talk about it, she might have thought she was clearing the air by asking the most direct question (though extremely rude to fire that off straightaway). Apologising for her own pregnancy may sound stupid but that is not exactly unusual behaviour either. Surely you many times over the years had friends cautioning you about so and so being pregnant and hoping it wasn't upsetting to tell you. (annoying as that is)

as far as the baby shower, you're well within your rights to want nothing to do with her going forward, but if you do feel you must eventually reconcile you'd might as well go and prevent the guaranteed gossip about how it's too upsetting for you to be there.

i see you've just said you don't care enough about any of them, but it could be quite bad for DH and his parents if you burn those bridges entirely.

I think the worst crime committed in your story is family not coming to meet your DS sooner.

Oh please!

She asked if OP ws barren or her husband firing blanks-how is that in anyway caring about the OPs situation?

Not only that, she did it at a social event with an audience!

It was clearly only nosiness/nastiness on her part.

"What´s the goss" FFS

I agree, Diddl. Seems like the OP and her dh have been through it with his family as well as this girl.