I am, I know it, I need a kicking: childminders are icky and second-best

[arses]

Okay, so ds is 9 months and I had him down to go to an Outstanding nursery near to where I work. However, despite my best efforts (and up to 6 hours of lessons a week) I have not learned to drive and although I hope to pass before I return in December, I am beginning to realise how impossible it would be for me to commute 50 minutes with a potentially grumpy baby in the back of the car when I still need 100% attention and focus (and in the Winter months, maybe even more so...).

So, I need to rethink childcare. And for many reasons, I know that a childminder would be the best option for us. I work term time, it's cheaper, ds is under 2 and all the research says a home environment is best etc etc

BUT

I just have a terrible secret snobbery about it. I know why. My sister went to a CM and I used to be taken care of there occasionally and remember it as a dour, dark soulless place where the CM's kids bullied us and it stank of fags and no-one ever spoke unless to tell you off.

I was trying to be grown-up and reflective about this experience since having ds, not helped by a trip to a playgroup locally earlier in the year which was populated by CM's and there were about a million kids tearing into eachother Lord of the Flies style while these CM's sat in a circle at the top of the hall drinking tea and bitching about the parents of their charges.

So, please, tell me IABU to think CM's are icky and unpleasant and that I am a terrible snob and that I should fuck off and get over my pfbishness and realise my child isn't the only child in the world etc. I am BU, yes? Please?

go and visit some actual CMs.

Visit as many as you can before you choose one. My best friend is a childminder and she is amazing with the kids she looks after - the atmosphere couldn't be more different to the one you and your sister experienced as kids.

I've never used a childminder but obviously they will not all be the same, just as some nurseries are wonderful and others will suck.
Go and visit some and maybe you'll find one you're comfortable with. If not then don't use a cm as your child will pick up on your dislike of sending him there.

Yes YABU. Childminders are inspected just like nurseries. If you're that bothered, don't work.

yabu

you need to see modern CMs

I agree that years ago CMing was largely unregulated and unprofessional - the idea that the children swirled around the CMs ankles while she swilled tea and did her dusting are long gone

Now it's all about learning through play, with CMs qualified in child development, delivered using a national framework with legal obligations to adhere to

I am sorry to hear that youhave observed local Cms behaving less than professionally - that makes me very angry because it undermines the very good work done by the vast majority of CMs

Gwan, make a few appointments, see what happens, yes?

when i was younger i went to a cm and hated it, her dd was spolit we were not allowed in the house, my 2 brothers and me were made to share a drink. i grew up hating cm and all they stand for

i am now a cm myself worked in a nursery for 12yrs and have been a cm for 7yrs and love it, i know lots of cm some very very good some just good. cm has changed so much since we were children, i would visit some and you will find a cm that suits you and your son x

what does YABU mean?

You Are Being Unreasonable

YABU = You are being unreasonable

this is in the Am I Being Unreasonable section, and folks say YABU or YANBU depending on their outlook

HTH

You are being unreasonable, Nordic

OP - go and visit some. Of course there will be some shit CMs, there are some shit nurseries! But they all have to be trained and ofstedded now. My sister is a fantastic CM.

Yes YABVVU!!!

DS goes to a stunning CM twice a week and has done from 7 months. She was newly qualified when he first went which made me a bit at first but being newly qualified meant she is bang up to date with all qualifications and advice etc...
I spoke to her on the phone first and visited twice before decided on him going there. Also visited 2 others and a nursery. One CM said she would put DS to sleep in his pram in her kitchen (??) for his nap as her upstairs wasn't approved for CMding so that was a no, no for us. Other CM had lots of older mindees so no others of a similarish age to play with but was very good in every other way.

DS now 2 and have been sending him to nursery one day pw since he was about 18 months to get him used to being with more children in a group. Although CM goes to toddler groups and playtimes every day. He loves his CM and her DD and CM's name was one of his first words which I think is fab.

Absolutley no regrets about CM.

Also I think its a bit strange that you would base your son's childcare on a vague notion of "icky and unplesant". How odd.

well of course YABU
i have a great CM who has looked after dd1 for over 3 years and will carry on looking after her after school, she also now takes care of dd2 4 days a week

she is very kind, utterly reliable, will put herself out quite considerably for us, has never looked after hordes of kids at the same time, just 1 or 2 others (not full-time either), has 2 lovely (older) kids of her own who are also very kind to my dds, is rated Outstanding by Ofsted and I consider myself very lucky to have her. I am very grateful for the continuity of care she has been able to provide for dd1 and hopefully will provide for dd2 and which I wouldn't have got at a nursery.

People who can't drive are icky and second best.

That statement is unreasonable (and untrue) just as yours was.

I have an amazing and brilliant childminder. I've also used (briefly) a really awful one. Can you get a recommendation? If not go to see some.

I use a CM,she has grown up children and I think this makes a bit of a difference as to how I feel she is with my DS, no conflict of interests. I know this is probably not true, but, makes me feel better!

I love my CM, so much much more intimate and loving IMO than a nursey. She is wonderful and I would walk over broken glass for her. My DS loves her

You are out of your mind! HTH.

My ds1 went to a FANTASTIC childminder.

She was loving and nurturing. Kind and caring.

He was included in the family, and benefitted massively IMO from being in a "home from home" setting. They did venture out to a toddler club from time to time when he was older. But she watched him and looked after him just as I would.

He would have loathed the noise and hubbub of a nursery.

You need to do some research and find a good one!

The CM who looked after DS2 until a week ago (he's off to school) was amazing, just so warm, attentive to her mindees and very professional. Looking after children is very much her vocation (she was a manager in a private nursery before she had her DC) and my son had a wonderful, stimulating and fun time in her care.

Ask around and get recommendations.

And I have the flipside experience. Sent DS to a nursery first, where the staff were quite disengaged and found DS playing on her own quite miserably when went to collect her, sitting in her own sh*t and napping at totally inappropriate times of the day (despite having spelt it out to them). She now goes to exceptional childminders, with lots of other kids of different ages, and loves it. Even asks to go there on days off sometimes.

So I agree with the majority (and yourself, by the sounds of it!), YABU.

YABU my best friend is a CM and she is actually the only person that I would leave my children with outside close family.. I dont however as I dont require childcare, however if i did she would be the one...

You have to go and visit some OP where abouts in the country are you?

Mine went to a childminder when they were wee and they were LOVED by her. Not tolerated, not grumpily put up with , but loved. I'll never forget her, she was an absolute treasure.

YABU

I think you'll find CM'ing has changed alot over the years.

I am a CM and very offended by this

YABVU. As the others have said.

I went to a hellish playgroup as a kid. That doesn't make all playgroups rubbish now.

OP - Of course not all CMs are going to be fantastic. Like you, I have seen care at the park that I am shocked by, and think that the parents would also be unimpressed by.

But that is why you need to make several visits and satisfy yourself that it is not going to be anything like it was in your day, and that you can trust the person to leave your precious child with.

If you can't find one you're happy with, having done that, then you'll clearly need to think again about your childcare/work options.

Good luck!

YABU, but you don't need a kicking, you had a bad experience as a child and not surprisingly it's clouding your judgement.

There are lots of great childminders as there are lots of good nurseries. Do as they others have said and try to get recommendations-ask on local parenting websites if necessary such as netmums. Visit several times if possible.

Is there really not any good nurseries closer to home for you? I agree, I wouldn't have wanted to drive my baby 50 minutes to nursery. But then for all I know you might live in central London where 50 minutes will get you about half a mile from home. Where I am 50 minutes driving would get me out of the country!