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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up work and be a sahm even though the kids are in primary school?

147 replies

Mowgli1970 · 06/09/2010 12:59

I hate my job. Have done for years. I only work 2 days a week but commute an hour each way so I leave early and get back late, then have to do tea, baths, reading books, bed routine for the kids (with dh). They're 10 and 7.

He's reluctantly agreed for me to give up. Reluctantly because it will put pressure on him to earn all the money and because he thinks I'll be bored with limited adult contact. It won't be a struggle, but it will mean cutting back on non-essentials.

Should I shut up and just be grateful that it's only a 2 day a week job, aibu to want to give up work altogether? Has anyone experience of being a sahm with older children? What would you do?

OP posts:

nattiecake · 06/09/2010 13:01

My mums still a SAHM with no kids at home, lol

Why dont you want to look for another job??

belgo · 06/09/2010 13:02

If it's only two days a week, you should stick it out until you find something else.

FrozenChocolate · 06/09/2010 13:02

Do it. Sounds like a complete luxury.

GetOrfMoiLand · 06/09/2010 13:03

Look for another job.

Yes I think it is unreasonable for your to be SAHM if you only work 2 days a week at present, and also if your DH would not want the responsibility of all the financial burden.

It's a very dodgy climate at the moemnt, with serious talk about a double dip recession and interest rates going sky high. I would hang on to that job if I were you.

Bonsoir · 06/09/2010 13:04

If you hate your job, give it up. Enjoy yourself at home, re-engineer your life so that it is more enjoyable, and then work out what sort of job you could do instead that would take the pressure off your DH without making your miserable and tired.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/09/2010 13:07

I wouldn't, and I say this as someone who would love to.

I wouldn't, because you said "reluctantly agreed" and I think it'll create huge resentment down the track. Frankly, if you have school age children and three days a week off already, you must already have a fair amount of leisure time; this isn't about creating a little bit of worklife balance to give your family a higher quality of living, it's just about you wanting to not work.

And if I were hime, I would mind. Why should he be the only breadwinner?

Look for a new job, by all means. But I wouldn't give up entirely unless it had basically no financial impact on my family and my husband adored his job and felt no pressure. That's not what you're saying.

whatkatydidathome · 06/09/2010 13:07

I think that you and your dh need to sit down and work it out between you by looking at everything that needs doing (ie housework, cooking, looking after sick kids, and earnin gmoney etc) and dividing it up so that you both think that it is fair. Otherwise lots of resentment will build up.

With things like (say) cooking - you can save a fortune by makin ga lot of stuff from scratch (eg bread), cooking cheaper cuts of meat etc whereas when you work you dont' have the time and eat more preprepared stuff, same with everything from car maintenance to DIY so, depending on where your skills lie, it is not clear cut that more time at home = less money. So if you are hppy to pull your weight then YANBU but if you just want to be kept then I think that YABU IYSWIM.

Incidently I have children at school and work from home - I find that we definately spend loads more on food when I am busy than when I'm no tbu tI would go mad without the adult contact. However this is a personal thing.

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/09/2010 13:08

I agree you should look for another job.

Being the main earner in these uncertain times is hard enough, being the sole earner is even harder where the other partner is perfectly capable of working. Would you go back full time and let DH quit to stay home for most of the day with no children?

Keeping your skills upto date means that in the event of your relationship going wrong you still have the means to support yourself and the children.

I feel it would be totally unfair on your DH not to mention showing the children that mums stay home whilst dads have to work to pay for it. Its only two days, surely not that hard to do.

jellybeans · 06/09/2010 13:10

Do it. Life is short, time is valuable. You can always help in schools/do OU courses if you are bored. It's so nice being around to help at school/if they are ill/school plays etc.

ButterpieBride · 06/09/2010 13:12

Could you maybe work from home?

Ragwort · 06/09/2010 13:18

I wouldn't recommend giving up a job if you already have one; I have never worked since having my child (now 10) and yes, it is lovely to be at home, to do voluntary work and help out at school etc BUT it is very, very hard to get back into the job market and being financially dependent on someone else is quite hard - particularly if your DH has said he is 'reluctantly' supporting you. I would stick with your part time job and maybe look for something else before giving it up.

NordicPrincess · 06/09/2010 13:19

i think working 2 days a week sounds a dream. thats what i do at the min only i work weekends and would love it if i was working my 2 days in the week.
You have the best or both worlds, you work 2 days and have 5 days off with your children, so its a long commute-look what you are getting out ot it. adult company, money, you apprecitae the time you have with your children more, they get some space, your more than just mum and they learn that both parents work but mums still there 3 days a week they are at school. you can still help out at school just they days you are not working.

If you are unhappy with your job stay where you are and look for other work, cos theres not much out there at the moment.

laurely · 06/09/2010 13:22

I think YABU

If you worked full time in a job you hated it would be hell but two days a week is doable and bearable.

At 10 and 7 the bed time routine can also relax a bit, they are not babies. They can go up, do wash, teeth and pyjamas, get in bed and read to themselves ready for you to just pop up and kiss goodnight. This will make your evenings less fraught on the days you do work. If you combine the relaxing of the bedtime routine with mealplanning you will see a difference

MamaVoo · 06/09/2010 13:22

If your husband was all for it then I'd say that you weren't being unreasonable - why work if you don't want/have to?. But the fact that he has only reluctantly agreed to it makes me think that really you need to be looking for a different job. Would he be ok with you giving up work now and having a bit of a break before starting something else?

TheMysticMasseuse · 06/09/2010 13:24

don't. I gave up my job to follow dh abroad, and I am literally killing myself with boredom and dissatisfaction.

2 days a week.... it's an ideal work/life balance. the extra money surely can't hurt and don't underestimate how different you'd feel if you don't have that time/money/identity.

Agree with others... think about what you want to do and work around that. Don't quit until you have something else to fall back onto!

blueshoes · 06/09/2010 13:27

Agree with tortoiseshell and HappyMummy.

You say you can do without non-essentials. But from your dh's view, why should HE have to do without them when you are perfectly capable of working, just 2 days a week.

Is it fair that he has sole breadwinner pressure, work harder to come home to a more spartan life, so that you can pootle around at home.

Plus you may never be able to go back to anything other than minimum wage jobs. And lose any future pension and maybe even the means of being self-supporting. I would never put myself or my dcs in that vulnerable position, however lovely my dh. Somethings are not within our control.

Litchick · 06/09/2010 13:28

I think eithert partner giving up work has to be something you both agree on.

hotcrossbunny · 06/09/2010 13:28

I've never said this before but... I agree completely with Bonsoir

SevenAgainstThebes · 06/09/2010 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/09/2010 13:40

I'm interested why you've hated it for years but not changed the job - is it the whole nature of the job you hate, or that particular workplace? Would you consider changing to a job which was 3/4/5 days a week but shorter hours? With children in school, you've got a lot of flexibility to change arrangements. I can see that a 2 day a week job would be hard to find somewhere else, but it doesn't need to be only 2 days, with children that age.

Tootlesmummy · 06/09/2010 13:42

I think you should change your job. Your DH would have to bear all of the responsibility for earning and you'd have to give up some luxuries. Is this fair on everyone else?

undercovamutha · 06/09/2010 13:44

But is it work you are giving up, or your job? Is it the job you hate or do you just hate being away from the DCs?

I probably wouldn't give up, or I would look for another job. YOur DH doesn't sound ecstatic about it, and its only 2 days.

Would you consider looking for another job?

mumblechum · 06/09/2010 13:48

I agree with others who are saying that you should either stick with it (and most people would love the luxury of only working two days a week with the children in school all day), or change jobs if possible.

I don't think it's fair on your dh to put all the burden of working onto him and I think it would lead to a lot of resentment.

pagwatch · 06/09/2010 13:49

I think is a problem if you make decisions that affect the whole family with one of you not terribly keen. It could put a strain on your relationship. And you may not be factoring in the sense of choosing not to work making your feel guilty and dependent on your DH

Iam a SAHM with all my children at school so I can speak in praise of it. But I would feel awful if DH was even slightly resentful.

Being at home after you have worked can make you feel diminished if it is not something that both of you chose. Imagine wanting to buy an expensive dress ( albeit within your budget). If you would feel comfortable just buying it then you may not struggle. If the thought makes you feel awkward, or if you feel he would be indignant, then it may be a problem. Does that make sense

esmeroo · 06/09/2010 13:55

I dont think you are being unreasonable as long as there is no resentment on your hubby's part. If he presently does his share of family/house duties then maybe you could take more on.

Or you could look for another job which you might find more enjoyable.

I am currently a SAHM and used to feel guilty when I saw others going out to work. However since having cancer, I am more relaxed about it. While we can afford it I will be staying at home, life really is too short! When I did work it was such a problem when children were ill, school shut because of snow etc. It was so stressful.

I am however about to start voluntary work as youngest due to start reception.

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