To give up work and be a sahm even though the kids are in primary school?

[Mowgli1970]

I hate my job. Have done for years. I only work 2 days a week but commute an hour each way so I leave early and get back late, then have to do tea, baths, reading books, bed routine for the kids (with dh). They're 10 and 7.

He's reluctantly agreed for me to give up. Reluctantly because it will put pressure on him to earn all the money and because he thinks I'll be bored with limited adult contact. It won't be a struggle, but it will mean cutting back on non-essentials.

Should I shut up and just be grateful that it's only a 2 day a week job, aibu to want to give up work altogether? Has anyone experience of being a sahm with older children? What would you do?

I don't think your life has to be worthy. I just think it can drive people mad if their life is housework and not much else. It is her and her dh's choice, but I think she is depressed because of hating her job and will find she misses the activity of work if not the specific job.

Chilcare is easy to sort- really? Not for my friends with sn kids or easy to afford for my friends with several kids or those without family to ask.

Well of course childcare must be a lot more difficult for some children with sn. Surely that goes without saying.

The op has 2 children and is well-paid.

I know loads of women who work who have changed jobs and changed hours in their working life and have been able to find cms and nurseries. Very few of then are teachers.

YABU I think

If you were minted I'd say why not. But it doesn't sound like you are. Being the sole provider is very stressful, especially in this economic climate. No job is safe now, even previously 'safe' things like public sector. Your husband could lose his job next week. He is probably aware of this. He will probably resent you if he gets stuck with all the earning - whether you will be bored at home isn't really the issue.

The OP's dcs are 10 and 7 and, as far as I know, has not mentioned SN. Wraparound/holiday childcare should be easy to sort out.

OP's dh is self-employed, which is more worrying in this climate. His work could just dry up if this economy double-dips.

Yes the OP's husband has agreed - but the OP has said he agreed reluctantly. I think the OP is doing well to pay heed to the reluctance personally and trying to find other opinions.

Some jobs/environments can chip away at self esteem and make you so low that you think you have no other options.

Sometimes it?s your mindset that needs changing.

Maybe set a timescale - continue working this year or less and looking and try aggressively saving and cutting back. See if you can manage without the money you bring in and any saving would give you options -of paying for courses OU or otherwise or having short break with no income coming in.

Spend time researching what child care options there are - after school clubs ect what alternative career options you have basally instead of getting upset develop an exit strategy.

May find if you show DH that you are planning/have plans he might be more positive ? less running away from work more working towards a new goal that may include time not bring in a wage.

Right first off I am a teeny bit jealous, I would love to able to stay at home and would have plenty to fill my days. I teach and love how smoothly our family life runs when I am at home.

I teach and was for a while very unhappy, I spent time reflecting on the kind of working environment I wanted and looked for a job that would give me that. I accept that jobs are thin on the ground now and that it may not be easy to find the "dream job" especially if you want to stay part time.
I would also love to be able to teach part time though!

In my mind although it is not perfect teaching is a good job if you have longings to be a SAHM as there are times when you have extended periods at home. I would think carefully before walking away from that.

The key word from your OP to me is that your partner reluctantly agreed, if he was on board I would go for it

Your DH is self employed. What if his work dries up? What if he gets ill?
Also, what about the other benefits from working other than income - eg: pension? A teaching pension is like gold dust - you won't get such a good deal anywhere else.

TBH it doesn't show much resilience to jack in a 2 day a week job just because you find it hard and would prefer to be at home. And I do think you need to think about the message that sends out. What if one of your children finds something tough in the future? Are you going to encourage them to stick it out or to jack it in?

If you are actually depressed, that's another matter. But if this is the normal pressure of going out to work, think hard about it. It's what all adults have to learn to deal with.

You don't like work and want to give it up?

Welcome to adult life.

I think people are being a tad harsh, if I could I would love to give up work and stay at home. That does not make me a bad person or lazy.

So why should the OP have more right to give up work than her DH?
It's not about being a 'bad' person! It's about taking on the normal responsibility of being an adult.

Whether or not the OP has the same duty (as some posters seem to think) to earn money as her DH rather depends on the share of the domestic burden that the OP shoulders.

She said in the OP that when she gets back from work, she shares the dinner/bath/ bed routine with her dh- which is absolutely as it should be. Presumably on the 3 days she has off, she shoulders more domestic duties which again is absolutely fair enough - her dh cant do housework long distance! However, with only two children who are both in school, it's hardly an onerous burden. You'd have to be cleaning obsessively to fill all your time!

"Domestic burden" is a lot more than cleaning, though. Unless you have an abysmally limited life.

Absolutely- but it still doesn't need to take huge amounts of time, unless you have a very limited life!

Tbh though , the OP didn't mention anything about wanting to give up work because she has to do all the domestic duties- she says she wants to give up because she doesn't like her job.

I still think the best solution is to look for work she finds interesting and enjoyable.

He is self-employed?

Are you MAD? It could all go wrong at any time.

What do you teach? Primary or secondary?

I always tend to think that if you are going to make a life change decision, it should be opting-in rather than opting-out IYKWIM. A positive choice, rather than a giving up. If you want to be a SAHM, then it doesn't matter what anyone other than your partner thinks really. But it doesn't sound like you want to be a SAHM so much as not be a teacher.

Finding the balance is hard though. I don't think I've found it yet (Secondary HOD, love the job but struggle a bit keeping it all ticking over at home sometimes). DH once left a job he loathed, and I went back to work after a period as a SAHM. He had a plan though - re-made the kitchen and got a better job a few months later. What is your plan for the next five years?

How bossy was that? Teacher, sorry. You don't have to answer

I don't think either partner has any more right to be at home than the other beyond the time of breastfeeding. But as far as we know her husband does not want to stay at home. I acknowledge that her husband is reluctant which is why in this situation it is probably not wide. But wantint to stay ay home does not make you a bad person.

That's a really good point TFM.

I agree, the main thrust of the OP's post is that she doesn't like her job, rather than actively having an alternative plan.

I can see that being at home all day five days a week with kids at school could be seen as a very 'nice' alternative - because it's an easy option. It won't involve the sort of intensive caring that having several pre-schoolers does. It won't present any challenge or pressure.
However, that's not always a good thing long term. Many women who stay home long term, after their children have started school, can find their self esteem drop, and boredom can set in. Also, if you decide in a couple of years that you want to earn again, it's always more difficult to get a job from a position of unemployment rather than already being in a job.

I would think very carefully about how you will fill your days. A lot of hobbys or study courses will cost money - money which you will presumably need your DH to provide. Also, if he is feeling 'reluctant' now, how is he going to feel a few months down the line working his butt off so that his wife can simply choose not to work?

If he were the sort of husband who was quite happy to have a wife sitting at home, then that would be a different issue, but he's already made it clear he would prefer you to share the responsibility of earning.

"I can see that being at home all day five days a week with kids at school could be seen as a very 'nice' alternative - because it's an easy option. It won't involve the sort of intensive caring that having several pre-schoolers does. It won't present any challenge or pressure."

See, this is the sort of opinion I just cannot understand. With every year that passes children seem to me to require more input and more work. I am completely rushed off my feet, all day, every day, these days in comparison to four or five years ago. It must be something to do with the French school system .

Interesting thread, with a good balance of replies and advice.

Mowgli, there are some further things I think you could consider:

1. Why not try to alter your mindset towards liking your job more. Everything you have written in your posts suggests that you have completely given up on the job and are now in an incredibly negative mindset about it. It's a very easy trap to fall into and a very difficult habit to break. Believe me, I've been there. You seem to have lost control a little of your attitude towards the job, your workplace, your colleagues etc. I have to say that you seem to have adopted a slightly victim-like disposition whereby you believe that your job is accountable to your happiness. What can you do about your job to change it? What exactly don't you like about it? Do the negatives really outweigh the positives?

1. Can you try to befriend your colleagues? Getting on with nice people is really important to working happily. As someone who works pt in a school myself I know what you mean about worrying that other people might be resentful. You needn't apologise for being there in a pt position, and I bet they're not being 'cliquey' really. Perhaps they are picking up on your negativity and finding it draining; it's very hard to 'carry' others especially when you are having trouble staying afloat yourself. Perhaps they can't work out why you're being negative as they have to be there five days a week yet you are there just twice! I have to admit that I find myself trying extra hard to get on with my ft colleagues, and I never, ever let on if I'm feeling depressed as I know they would give me short shrift - and quite rightly so!!

1. Be aware of what I call 'chasing rainbows' syndrome, whereby you always find yourself changing external factors in the hope that you will find happiness. My Grandma was like this - always thinking that if she moved/changed jobs/changed husbands/had more children she would be happy. Happiness comes from within, and often it isn't external change that's needed, but an examination of how your mindset might be affecting your happiness. Would you REALLY be happy at home? Initially maybe, but how would you honestly feel a year or two from now, jobless, with no money and a resentful dh? I was once a sahm and I don't think I could go back to it as it really wasn't my thing and I was doing it because I felt it best for the family. Now I'm back at work I really couldn't be happier.

Sorry if I sound a bit patronising, I'm typing in a hurry and having a bit of a brain dump. Please be assured tat I'm not criticising you personally - I don't know you - just going by my interpretation of what you have said in your posts.

BTW, I like both Violethill's and Bonsoir's advice here. Good luck in your decision .

During the summer holidays I can fill my days running the home.As well as cleaning - which I do properly rather than a quick once over and hiding everything in cupboards. We have fresh bread every day, fresh food from scratch, I garden, sew, take DD out, collect fruit and veg from the garden, we have a few animals that need caring for ( as well as typical pets, ducks and chickens and would love more).