To give up work and be a sahm even though the kids are in primary school?

[Mowgli1970]

I hate my job. Have done for years. I only work 2 days a week but commute an hour each way so I leave early and get back late, then have to do tea, baths, reading books, bed routine for the kids (with dh). They're 10 and 7.

He's reluctantly agreed for me to give up. Reluctantly because it will put pressure on him to earn all the money and because he thinks I'll be bored with limited adult contact. It won't be a struggle, but it will mean cutting back on non-essentials.

Should I shut up and just be grateful that it's only a 2 day a week job, aibu to want to give up work altogether? Has anyone experience of being a sahm with older children? What would you do?

As others have said, it sounds like a different job would be a better solution.

What do you do? Why do you hate it? Have you tried looking for other jobs?

If you can persuade your dh that you'll be taking the pressure off him in terms of domestic and chilcare duties, then yes, life's too short.

I think dp and I would be happy for one of us to stop working (or for one of us to go part time) but only if the SAHP took on pretty much all of the housework, shopping, cooking and childcare side (when I say childcare, I mean if a child is unwell/school hols etc - I don't mean that the worker shouldn't do anything childcare related ever!).

OTOH I would feel the need to do something ouside of the home - I'd rather go for fewer hours in a job I enjoyed than give up all together.

Jenai, the OP already only works two days a week. I presume she already does pretty much all of the housework, etc., with the exception of sharing childcare tasks when they are both home. I'm hard put to see how the husband benefits at all, really.

i could afford to give up work, but we as a family would have to give up alot.
it may seen materialistic but the internet, sky having an odd takeaway, hoildays, getting dvd ect would all have to stop.

i don't think it is fair that my partner would have to work and then get no luxury.

I took voluntary redundancy 3 years ago and I haven't looked back since. My DC are the same age as yours. My husband was happy with whatever decision I made, but he was worried that I would be bored staying at home.

I absolutely hated my job, worked 3 days a week, but those 3 days were just rush rush rush. My husband was out at work from 6am until 7pm, so I would get the children up and out to childminder/school rush to work then pick kids up from childminder, start dinner before husband came home when we would then do the bedtime routine. If either of the kids were ill it was mostly down to me to take time off work to look after them

Since giving up work I have kept myself busy with courses and helping out at the kids schools, home life is a lot less stressed and relaxed.

I will be looking for another job eventually, but feel extremely lucky to be able to 'go with the flow' for the time being.

tortoise - I can see the benefit of having (as opposed to being) a SAHP. Never having to worry about what's for dinner, about who's going to look after ds if he's off school, about cleaning the kitchen floor...

I imagine that I would come home of an evening, put my feet up, be brought a glass of chilled Chardonnay, and have a calm chat with ds (perhaps assisting with any homework) before dinner is served. I'd put ds to bed and then dp and I would sit together in our lovely tidy sitting room chatting about our day and discussing what I might like in my lunchbox the next day...

I take your point though that the OP is only doing two days a week so she probably does the lion's share already, so it might be harder to sell the Stepford wife bit.

Your oldest is nearly secondary though - the bath/bed/reading routine is going to run its course very soon, even with the youngest.

A lot of SAHM's do tend to go back to work at least part-time with dc's this age, and most do at secondary.

you may need to think hard about what you'll replace your time with. Sounds as though you need a different job rather than no job. Not worth causing resentment especially if it's only 2 days a week

There is such a thing as sole-provider pressure, and a lot of people feel it keenly.

I feel quite a lot of financial pressure in our household because I am the main earner. I'd feel totally exposed if I were the only earner, because I'd feel it was all down to me.

So why not just try to find a more congenial job. Actually it sounds to me that the 2-day week is part of the problem. The issue is that you're bored and disengaged, and actually a job that took more of your time would enforce a higher level of engagement.

A few other things to consider...
Would you be lonely if all your mates are working and you don't have a huge amount of money to spend?

Would you be able to pick up your career again if DH was made redundant or was unable to support you for some reason?
Would your DH be chilled if you occasionally treated yourself to shoes/clothes?
Would his perception of you change for the worse?
What if the mortgage rate doubles?

Thanks ladies, you've raised some excellent points (I had prepared myself for a bit of a flaming for being a stuck up lazy arse, so thanks for not shouting me down! )

I've been looking for another job (teaching) for the last three years. Nothing suitable has come up in that time due to newly qualified teachers or teaching assitants being requested to save costs.

I would do everything in the house, including a teeny bit of diy (painting etc). Dh would literally have to go to work and come home and do nothing (except with the dcs).

I hate my job, not teaching per se. I've considered doing supply, but that would cause problems due to childcare, as I wouldn't know necessarily which days I'd be working in any given week.

Dh can see how miserable I am on the days I work, which impacts upon him. I can't stay awake beyond 9.30, so it's up, work, tea, watch one programme on TV, bed.

No other job could give me such good holidays and I'd have to find alternative childcare if I changed career.

When I'm at home I think that two days is a doddle. When I'm at work, it's like an eternity. Workmates are cliquey, resources are scarce, planning is like pulling teeth to get people to do their bit, TAs are domineering/crying all the time! But, as a lot of you have said, it's only two days so I should be able to put up with it. But I've felt so down for so long on the other hand. Hmmmm!

If you are a teacher doing two days, could you not do tutoring instead, after school?

Could you be a tutor, Mowgli?

I'd need childcare to be able to do that, unless it was evening work as dh doesn't get home until 6.30.

Do tutoring in your own home, and get a housekeeper in at the same time who can iron and make supper and supervise your DCs while you tutor.

Or get an au pair for the evenings.

In the current climate I would hold onto your job, especially if your DH is reluctant about you giving it up.

Its not nice to feel tired and rushed when working but two days out of seven really isn't too bad and is not forever as you could start looking for a new job.

PT classroom assistant maybe? At a school nearer to home?

Most of the TAs at ds's primary are qualified teachers. I assume they just wanted to downshift - shed some of the responsibilities. They seem very able - and one of them in the SENCo.

one of them is the SENCo

Well, you'd probably have to work five days a week as a TA to come in anywhere near what you get for two days as a not newly qualified teacher. I would see the job like that: can you stand the two days for the five days off, or would you like to do a less stressful job for more days? If you don't need the money, that's different, but i get the impression that money may be tight if you gave up what is a not inconsiderable second wage: if you were mega-rich, I guess your husband wouldn't have misgivings about it (just as if I were mega-rich I would be happy for DH to do what he liked all day, but as money is a bit tight, I would be livid if he decided to stop work).

Similarly, tutoring sounds good, but any 'by the hour' job is a pain, really, and you have to have lots of good clients who never let you down/don't pay/move away and you have to pay tax etc. I wouldn't think it would be massively worth tutoring say two hours a night and paying two-thirds of it out on tax and childcare, when you could just eat a bit cheaper or not have that take-away, but that's just me.

Have you thought about doinng 1:1 tutoring for a local school? I do that - 4 hours a week, contract is only a 10 week block for each child but it is during the school day so child care is not needed.It is only fixed contracts so if the funding gets canned, so do you at the end of the 10 weeks, but if your kids do well, the school is more likely to ask you to do more. So far I've done 2 lots of 10 week blocks and doing some more this term.
I would try googilng 1:1 tutoring and your area and see what comes up. I had to register with the local LEAs and also contact local schools.

So technically you only work 78 days a year, I think you have it very easy already without expecting to do even less.

Agree with happymummy.

You do get a lot of holidays which is perfect for your children.

If I were you I would just grin and bear it until both kids were in senior school, then look around.

If I was in your DH's shoes, and my DP worked 2 days a week term time only, and wanted to give up work entirely, I would think they were taking the piss, frankly.

Agree with Getorf... look really hard for another job, and if you find the thought of teaching so awful, then consider a career change - and organise childcare for the times you'll need it.

Or, if you can't/don't want to, do that, then put up with the fact that you only work two days a week, which frankly is not much at all, and be thankful!

You say you find your days at home a doddle, and your work days really long and stressful - well, of course it's a doddle being at home - your kids are at school all day! Of course being at work is going to seem harder!

I honestly think it will cause resentment long term that you expect your DH to work full time to enable you the luxury of not working. It also sends the message to your children that if you find a job boring/hard/stressful that giving up is an option, which perhaps isn't the best message to give. You say your DH is reluctant for you to stop working, which says it all really. He would prefer you to work, and as you already do only two days, it seems entirely reasonable that you continue.

I also think Quattro makes a good point - it may well be the 2 day thing is part of the problem. It can be far more satisfying to work longer hours in a job where you feel a sense of ownership, and where you are stimulated, than to only do a few hours but loathe it. IMO 2 days isn't enough to really feel part of a place. It may not be that other staff are cliquey, so much as the fact that you are there less than half the week so you just find it harder to integrate. Worth a think.

Where are with this ? What are you going to do OP ? Seemsa bit unfair to me, to not work, wehn you could. Surely if you just changed jobs you would be happier.