To give up work and be a sahm even though the kids are in primary school?

[Mowgli1970]

I hate my job. Have done for years. I only work 2 days a week but commute an hour each way so I leave early and get back late, then have to do tea, baths, reading books, bed routine for the kids (with dh). They're 10 and 7.

He's reluctantly agreed for me to give up. Reluctantly because it will put pressure on him to earn all the money and because he thinks I'll be bored with limited adult contact. It won't be a struggle, but it will mean cutting back on non-essentials.

Should I shut up and just be grateful that it's only a 2 day a week job, aibu to want to give up work altogether? Has anyone experience of being a sahm with older children? What would you do?

Enormously helpful advice ladies. Thanks. I'm going to stick it out, look for the positives and see how I feel by Christmas. It's good to have so many replies; lots of food for thought.

I agree it would be unfair on dh to just give up. Onwards and upwards!

So glad you got some helpful advice Mowgli, and you feel better about your choices...

Now.. there's something I have been meaning to ask for ages but I don't want to start a thread because i fear it would be too inflammatory.... so hope it's ok if i hijack just a tiny bit.

If you're a SAHM, what do you do with your time? What fills your days? How do you get your fun/stimulation/kicks? What motivates you to dress nicely? It looks like I am stuck at home for the time being as I seem to be simply unable to find work where I live now... and I think I need to change my mindset a bit. Need to be able to picture it as a good thing, but am lacking vision/imagination/role models (all my gfs work). Thanks!

TheMystic

I am a SAHM to three school age children

I split my day between work stuff and play stuff.
I do some of the housework ( although I have a cleaner), all of the washing and ironing, shopping and weekday cooking.
I am responsible for maintaining the house , including restoration and refurb - which isn't easy as it is a period house and i new nothing about it until I started. It is also quite a big house so it is endless, as soon as you get one bit done something else needs doing. I oversee the gardeners - we have just bought big tranche of land next door and we are completely re-doing it ( although they are brill and just getting on with it so that is mostly just waving and admiring tbh).
I sort out all stuff for childrens school ( 3 kids at 3 different schools) and do Ds2 specialist baking as he has dietary needs and needs everything baked for him.
DS2 also has SN so when he gets home from school he takes a great deal of my attention.
I oversee homework for DD and am responsible for nagging DS1 to do his.
I organize holidays ( 4 or so times a year)and sort out other house (in Spain) via agency

For fun I love fashion and going shopping once a week. I read a lot and sew too. I am a huge sports fan so I tend to have the radio or tv on when cricket or golf is on. I go to the gym twice a week. I go out once every few weeks to London to a gallery or a fav area IYSWIM. I am involved in a couple of charities and help with a support forum.

My mother is eldery and I have her to visit once a month or so to sort out winter coat or new glasses and to give her a bit of R&R and general granny attention and send her weekly shopping
Thats it really

I see you have decided to stick it out fir a bit.

Feeling stuck in a job you dislike can be pretty bad. So how about thinking of a career change too, something you would like to do.

pagwatch, just being nosey! why don't you visit your old mum more than once a month if you don't work? does she live far away?

ssd - no problem
I can't easily .

She is about 1 1/2 hours away and DS2s school hours are only 9.15 until 3.15.
I can get their in an emergency but because I have to be here for DS2s return ( because of his SN) I would have to leave really really early to negate the possibility of getting delayed on the road IYSWIM
There is no alternative to my being here waiting for DS2. He can't stay at school, he comes home on the bus and if the house was empty when he got home it would be a total disaster. He would never cope.

So she comes to stay for a week or so and I get to treat her .

Good for you Mowgli -- but don't JUST stick it out. While you have the extra income from being employed, that's the time to use some of it to pay for a course you'd love to do; or while you have three days a week free, that's when you could do the volunteer work you'd enjoy. That way, the job you hate would be helping you do the things you love, which sounds a fair tradeoff.

And some of it might, just might, either give you an opening, or let you meet some new people from outside the world of teaching.

(I did an art course and sold a painting! That £50 was the sweetest bit of income I'd ever had, because i came from something I'd always wanted to try -- though I appreciate it's hardly going to pay the mortgage...)

TheMysticMasseuse - having the time to dress nicely and look great (and also ensure that the rest of your family is groomed and well-dressed) is one of the reasons for being a SAHM, IMO! Work clothes are so depressing - you can have so much more fun when you aren't constrained by professional standards and be creative with your look .

Ditto food, ditto social life, ditto holidays, ditto weekends out and about... creativity takes time, energy and skill!

See, Bonsoir, this is one of the problems I have.... why bother dressing nicely when the only people who will see me all day are my children? Also... shopping with someone else's money is really no fun :(

holidays, fun weekends, home, etc... those are all things I managed to do quite well while I was still working (albeit p-t). It really doesn't feel enough for me, and it certainly doesn't justify (in my eyes) my existence. If anything I have less energy and less enthusiasm now than I did before.

I should take better careof my house, but the truth is I never cared and probably never will. I'm also not very "good" at it, if that makes sense... have no eye for design, for what looks nice, etc. But of course I realise this all contributes to my feeling of being worthless.

I really must stress that I am not criticizing anyone's life... I just have this huge failure of imagination and when I wake up in the morning I think... shit... what on earth am I going to do today? all day? everyday?!

But Mystic
your experience is true to what you want to do and what you value. I suspect it is also different at different times in our lives and under different circumstance.
I worked full time in what would broadly be called high powered career.
But my values changed when DS2 deeloped SN.
And you are right. When I was first at home and had no money the world seemed much smaller and less fun.

My initial 'hobbies' and my enjoyment of it came through makingfriends with parents, doing volunteer work and learning a bit about painting furniture and

I used to enjoy buying junk tables and painting them. We had a lot of tables for a while there.....

...so maybe being at home simply isn't for you. You only have to glance at MN to see that it isn't for everyone.
We are all diferent and in different situations.

I know pagwatch but am trying to shift my perspective. I am not being very successful in finding work so rather than wallowing in misery I want to become the type of woman who can rejoice in her circumstances and make the most of them :)

Why does two adults need to bathe and put two bed two children, aged 7 and 10?

My oldest has been putting himself to bed since he was 7. He showers, and washes, dries himself, put on fresh clothing (underwear and pj), brushes his teeth, go to his room, read for 15 minutes and turn the lights off. (I go into him when I have tucked our 5 year old in, for a bit of a bedside chat)

To free up some time you should let your children be responsible for their own bedtime routines.

As for work, I dont have an opinion. If you and your husband agree, and you can afford for you to stay at home, then why not.

please ignore my typos. clearly I cant psell

TheMysticMasseuse - I do suspect that women who really enjoy creative activities have more fun as SAHMs than those who would rather be playing with Excel and Powerpoint, IYSWIM. If you hate cooking, decorating, throwing yourself into organising parties and picnics etc etc it's going to be hard.

Mystic
I wouldn't recommend banging your head against your desk as a primary means of filling your day

FWIW I hate housework. So I do a trade with myself - if I get x and y out of the way then I will go and have a long walk by the river or get my book and go and spend an hour in a nice pub coffee shop.

What hobbies did you have before you had children? Is there anything in that that would be nice to resurrect? What about something new like photography?

I think tbh if you are hopingthat a wave of domesticity will fall upon you and you will become Anthea Turner finding fulfillment in sponge cleaning a lamp shade, then you may have a long wait.

I think the secret is to try and balance the bits you hate with the things you love to do.

And can I ask why the only people you see all day are your kids? Do you never meet up with friends? Is that nosey

thanks Pagwatch, no it's not nosey, it makes perfect sense :) I have recently moved to a new country and struggling to make friends. Have met lots of lovely people but not the sort of friends I would arrange regular things with, or i could just call if i felt a bit depressed.

Before I had kids I used to love reading and going to the movies, both hard with preschoolers.... my new (school) year resolution has been to allow myself the luxury of more/more regular childcare, but I end up filling those hours with a mix of surfing the net and applying for jobs...

When I was a SAHM I did a psychology degree, ran a toddler group, did exercise classes and swimming, read loads, went to the market, did the allotment.

Now I work

But if I were to divide up my work time it would be equally full (except the exerise ) - so - there's always something to enjoy.

Oh moving is hard! It makes you feel isolated and with pre-schoolers making whizzing around harder that can be even more so.

Maybe try and actively plan an outing rather than leaving it until you get some time. I know you can get a free hour or two, sit down at the computer and lose the whole day and

I would pay a cleaner a couple of hours a week (you could use your pay) then when you are off you are off and can do something you enjoy.

I baked TWO cakes this morning- yay domestic goddess me :)

Otoh, have been yelling at dds nonstop and now just manhandled them into taking a nap... even the 4 1/2 yo :( not my best mothering day