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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-Laws interferring

127 replies

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 02:13

FIL has got my goat by threatening to "take matters into his own hands" regarding ongoing issues between by 21mth daughter and MY cats. AIBU by telling him to butt out and drop the subject?

OP posts:

Tortington · 05/09/2010 02:14

why would he say that?

FallingWithStyle · 05/09/2010 02:16

On the face of it he should butt out but depends on the ongoingissue really, has he reason to be concerned for her welfare?

Original poster

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 02:21

She has been scratched after falling on the cat who was asleep in the long grass in the garden, unseen by all.
However, we have another cat who can be nasty with her who we have found a nice home for without children and he is much happier, measures were taken to cohabit them sensibly but to no avail.
She is not wimpy kid though, has no fear re: slides, climbing frames etc. He also disapproves of me allowing her on these things also. As for bikes well, they are the work of the devil himself apparently.

OP posts:

Tortington · 05/09/2010 02:29

how many cats have you got?

Original poster

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 02:36

Had 4 when she was born, have two now (one died last year, other recently rehomed). One who scratched her is going to live with an understanding friend following in-laws & OH's witch-hunt so will be left with just one by the end of the week.

OP posts:

CliffBarnsby · 05/09/2010 02:48

It seems like you have already handled it so I am not sure what he has an issue with?

YANBU.

CliffBarnsby · 05/09/2010 02:49

Is the one who scratched her generally nice and just got surprised while sun bathing? Or does it also dislike her?

nomedoit · 05/09/2010 03:53

"...following in-laws & OH's witch-hunt..."

Clearly there are on-going issues with these cats, it's not just one incident. And your partner agrees with your FIL. You sound very defensive, clearly they have had to push you into taking action after incidents involving your daughter for you decide you have been the victim of a 'witch-hunt'.
Witch-hunt? Frankly, you seem fonder of your cats than your family. Do you have long grey hair in a plait and a big mole on your nose?

Monkeytoo · 05/09/2010 04:23

Yeah she definitely seems fonder of her cats than her family when she's already rehomed two due to this issue (and I would probably scratch someone if they landed on my head when I was asleep?). OP also mentioned that her ILs are unreasonable about any type of 'danger' for example a bike.

And 'long grey hair and a mole'?? So is your response just meant to be spiteful? Seriously..

Tokyotwist · 05/09/2010 08:49

I don't understand this. My FIL is also neurotic with dd. TBH my DH is also a bit like this (not as bad as FIL though). He gets so stressed when she races around (not always looking where she goes), that she now chants WALK, in a gruff voice as she does it.

On one trip to the park, dd was the only one with FIL actually on the climbing apparatus, and when he decided it was too dangerous because she refused to stay within reach, he just lifted her up and insisted we go for a walk instead. Took a while for me to stop her tears. Not to talk of the looks we got from all the other adult with all 6 of us (PIL, SIL, her BF and DH) all hovering over this 2 yr old.

Oh and my own mum had a thing about our cat whenn dd was a baby. No conversation could be had without mentioning the cat. She was convinced he would get into her cot at night and suffocate dd . The poor thing was petrified of dd. Had to rehome him in the end as dd was allergic. I've never heard her so pleased. She never threatened to deal with cat herself though. That's way out of order.

Tokyotwist · 05/09/2010 08:50

Sorry typing with one hand.

Original poster

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 09:11

The one that scratched her this time is a really good cat and has NEVER scratched in the 6 yrs we've had her, the witch hunt against her has been unjustified.
The one we rehomed was a different matter, he was very jealous and it has taken me nearly a year to find a suitable home for him where he wasn't going to be a problem, however, this was not sufficient for some people as they felt I should have had him put to sleep rather than make the effort to rehome, they were also bitchin about the other cats "just in case" even though there was no prob with them.
I am fond of my pets, afterall they were here before both the husband and the kids,& I don't believe in just getting rid of pets "just in case". You could apply the same rule to eveythin, better not let her ride in the car "just in case" we have an accident, remove all cutlery at mealtime in case she pokes her eye out.....please, not practical or sensible.
Just for the record I have no grey plait or unsightly mole but will admit to bein a complete witch occassionally :)

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 05/09/2010 09:26

Marlie - your FIL sounds really awful :(

If this cat hasn't scratched anyone in 6 years and only scratched DD this time out of fright when she fell on her - why is your OH allowing your FIL to be such a bully and why are you giving in to both of them? I'd tell FIL to fuck off and OH if he didn't like the cat that was there before he was, he'd better be careful not to let the door bang his arse on the way out.

You need to find your voice in this relationship before your life becomes hell.

diddl · 05/09/2010 09:32

Are you keeping the one who scratched accidentally?

If not-why not-stop being bullied by these people! (husband included!)

Original poster

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 09:39

Up until this week I have always got along with the FIL, although he's a pain, he is also much older than my parents and has VERY different parenting ideas to me, some of which the OH has inherited.
Generally I am the one who wears the trousers so I'm no shrinking violet but this issue has caused a lot of problems within my marriage, not least of all OH's attitude towards FIL but thats another matter. MIL has been very apologetic about how it has escalated, FIL used to giving adivce and it being followed, hasn't twigged yet that that won't work with me.
OH & me already seeing counsellor to try and deal with the other issues.
Main issue i have is that FIL feels he wouldbe justified in interferring if I don't act in the way he thinks I should. Have bitten my tongue so far and tried to change his attitude in a polite way but beginning to think that the time for diplomacy is over.

OP posts:

sallyseton · 05/09/2010 09:43

Don't rehome the poor cat that's done nothing wrong

ChippingIn · 05/09/2010 09:43

Marlie - it is working with you - you are getting rid of your cat because of your FIL (and OH)??

The time for diplomacy is over.

I hope the councelling goes well for you both.

Keep your cat.

cornsilk909 · 05/09/2010 09:46

What does he mean by taking matters into his own hands? He sounds awful. Having pets is beneficial for children. Perhaps if FIL had had them he wouldn't be such an arse.

Animation · 05/09/2010 09:47

The root of the problem seems to be that your husband has never stood up to his father, and so no boundaries are in place. You've got a way to go, but you FIL should have no say in how you parent and live your life.

cornsilk909 · 05/09/2010 09:50

or benificial even. My brain won't work

Original poster

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 11:31

FIL has dogs, never had cats, they have an elderley dog who is coralled behind the sofa when we go down in case he nips at the grandkids.
OH has gone down there today, I've refused to go, to have a chat with his dad, told him he needs to do this or I will and I won't be nice about it.
We still have one cat who is a little dopey and quite old so DD will still have a pet about the place, a friend of mine is going to look after the disgraced cat for the moment. TBH think the cat will enjoy the rest.

OP posts:

ChippingIn · 05/09/2010 12:49

You shouldn't even think of her as the 'disgraced' cat :( She was asleep and a child fell on her - what did they all expect her to do, roll over to have her tummy tickled?

Fuck me - they have a dog that is banished behind the settee in case it bites the children and they are demanding you get rid of your cat? Has something happened to make them think the dog will bite? The dog needs to be locked outside when you visit, not be put behind the settee - if your daughter goes behind the settee into it's territory it might well be aggressive...

What is your DH going to say to his DF?

ChaoticAngel · 05/09/2010 14:29

I agree with ChippingIn.

The time for diplomacy is well and truely over.

nomedoit · 05/09/2010 14:34

No, my response was supposed to put this in context. It's not a 'witch-hunt', FFS. It's some members of the family disagreeing with the OP. Her DH is entitled to do that. They are his children, too and there is clearly a problem with the cats. I agree FIL should butt out but her DH is entitled to speak his mind about what goes on in the home.
I really suspect the OP is downplaying the cat issue. First OP said the scratchy cat was leaving and she would have one cat. Now it turns out the friend is looking after the disgraced cat away for a period... I have a relative who has 12 cats and insists her house doesn't smell of them. Huh? It reeks. When you really love your pets, you can into denial around their bad points and I suspect the OP is in denial about the cats.
Also, the OP saying that the cats were there before the husband and the kids and that you cannot remove all risks is just ridiculous in my mind. I would just love to hear the DH's side in all this...

Original poster

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 18:48

DH is entitled to his opinion and yes he has always disliked the cats, all of them. The scratchy cat did need rehoming and I agree with him on that, the other cat who dd had accident with has always been very good up until this incident. I agree it is easy to go into denial over pets as there are lots of emotions involved, dd's welfare is paramount but the whole issue was blown out of all proportion by FIL comments which were not helpful on so many levels.
Their dog does have a history of unsociable behaviour hence the no contact with the grandkids rule, dd not able to get to him or he to her whilst she is there. He is however very old now and their only other option would be to have him put to sleep which I would disagree with anyway.
I don't feel that DH is unreasonable in wanting to remove the threat, what I did feel was unreasonable was FIL's reaction and veiled threats to something that is really none of his business and should be left to myself and DH to sort out between us without ultimatums or limiting timescales.
As it happens the temp rehoming is likely to be permanant as she has settled very well there and my son, who's cat she actually is, is able to visit whenever he likes without fear of toddler interuptions.
My actual reason for posting was to see if I was being unreasonable being angry with FIL for his input.

OP posts:

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