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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-Laws interferring

127 replies

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 02:13

FIL has got my goat by threatening to "take matters into his own hands" regarding ongoing issues between by 21mth daughter and MY cats. AIBU by telling him to butt out and drop the subject?

OP posts:
Original poster
Marlie09 · 08/09/2010 12:38

I appreciate what you're saying and you're right, he likes dogs & I like cats, we're never going to see eye to eye on it and whether I agree or disagree over the rehoming it has been done now and has become a moot point.

I am happy to "agree to disagree" on lots of things cos we don't always have the same opinion, DH is less able to do this as his thinking is still quite childlike & everything is black or white, right or wrong, but that is a maturity thing, it may never come with him as FIL v. similar. MIL often frustrated with him.

Think we should get a pony as a compromise, dd loves them :)

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nomedoit · 08/09/2010 14:12

Oh God, my ex-DH was like that. He had to be right. And he was in his late 30's! It is so annoying. One thing I learned as I got older was "Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?" I think you have to go through a lot of grief in your life until you are ready to do that, though. In the last few years I have made myself let things go more than I did when I was younger, mainly because I didn't want to go through another divorce. (For example, I let my step-daughter make the birthday cake for my daughter's first birthday so she could be "involved" which was her big thing at the time even though I really wanted to do it myself. Now the novelty has worn off and she can't be arsed to do anything.) I would say I have a good marriage now but it was very tough at times.

SugarMousePink · 08/09/2010 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Marlie09 · 08/09/2010 21:49

nomedoit thanks for your honesty, I think you are right and sometimes you have to just let things go for the sake of the bigger picture.

Defo agree with SugarMousePink certainly need to firm up the boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable to discuss with the in-laws. Something I think I'll bring up at next weeks session with the counsellor, bound to be an intersting conversation.

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scaryteacher · 08/09/2010 23:05

Point out to fil that's it normally the daughters in law who get to choose the residential homes.....

ChippingIn · 09/09/2010 00:15

marlie have you spoken to him today? When is your next session?

nomedoit · 09/09/2010 01:15

Good luck, let us know how it goes!

Original poster
Marlie09 · 09/09/2010 09:44

He is still at home with us, we're doing very well so far at being civil to each other, lots of pleases & thanks yous through gritted teeth :)

Next session is Tuesday evening.
Got to make lists of things that we each think need addressing in order for our marriage to work better. Should be interesting and may take more than an hour.

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ChippingIn · 09/09/2010 10:04

Oh right - when you said he'd gone to his parents, I thought you meant he was staying there - sorry.

Have you started your list yet?

Original poster
Marlie09 · 09/09/2010 11:20

He only stayed at his parents one day then came home, that's what makes it even more confusing is that he would HATE to move back in there cos his dad was so controlling, he can only usually put up with being there for a few hours at a time before FIL starts on at him over something.

Haven't started my list yet, waiting until I'm in a calm frame of mind and can think about it in a reasoned and logical way, not just hormonally pissy.

OP posts:
nomedoit · 09/09/2010 13:18

Personally, I think you'll get better results with a few key items...

Original poster
Marlie09 · 09/09/2010 20:19

There's no point in bringing up all the little niggles, afterall we're never going to be perfect.

I can prob think of three main things, speaking to parents, his drinking & inflexibility (has very fixed ideas of what should & shouldn't happen in a marrige/family) most of which he has inherited from home unsurprisingly.

Again thats something that you wrk through when you have lived on your own, that what worked for your parents isn't necessarily right for you. He can be quite rigid over this even when it's obvious to everyone else that what he is trying to do simply isn't working in this circumstance.

Unless that's just typical man behaviour???

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nomedoit · 10/09/2010 01:42

No. How much does he drink and how often?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 10/09/2010 03:03

No, it's not. And if he's got a controlling father, and has fixed ideas about how a marriage should be, that's always going to be a battle between you. Clearly, he doesn't agree with you that you wear the trousers in this relationship. And even if he hadn't lived at home so long (you're both in your thirties, yes?) people do inherit their parents' attitude towards relationships and try, consciously or not, to re-enact those dynamics.

The stuff about his attitude to his stepson is really worrying, actually. School shoes spoiling him?

Original poster
Marlie09 · 10/09/2010 11:38

nomedoit - he drinks everynight, sometimes at home, sometimes down the pub and generally has a 3-4 pints. He uses it as a de-stresser which is no different to thousands of others but it's a fine line between being in control of the drinking or the drinking bein in control of you and I feel he is very border line in this. He feels that his drinking is perfectly normal though so it's difficult to get him to accept that it does have an inpact on his relationship with me and with the kids. He can't drink at the mo though as GP put him on AD's for stress mamangement. Made him v. tetchy.

tortoiseonthehalfshell - Learned behaviour is big thing on both sides, i come from a very matriarchal family, in complete contrast to his. However, he is happy for me to wear the trousers so long as what's happening suits him, as soon as it doesn't is where the trouble flares up. In fact, doin the amateur psychology thing, he some ways he wants to carry on being looked after in the same way his mum did at home but he also resents it as he wants to be the man of the house and emulate his father so mentally he is quite mixed up about it, he veers between the two opposing views so one minute he's fine with everything and the next it's a huge problem. Very unsettling for all concerned which is where a lot of the problems with DS come in.

OP posts:
zipzap · 10/09/2010 12:29

On the one hand you say that he hates being at home because of the way his FIL is controlling. Does your dh see it that your FIL just controlled him or your MIL as well?

On the other hand, he has taken stock of his parents behaviour and is now using it as a template for his behaviour when married to you.

Have you pointed out to him - either in the heat of an argument, in general calm conversation or even in counselling - that he has turned into his father and is doing what he says he hates, to you?

If so - does this bother him? Or if you haven't - might be worth asking - and also pondering on what you think his reaction to this would be...

Original poster
Marlie09 · 10/09/2010 13:25

FIL is one of those people for whom the glass is always half empty. Regardless of what anyone does it's never quite good enough, there's always some little crititsism. So imagining DH growing up with this must have been really hard when even your very best is not good enough for your parent, afterall, it's their praise you seek as a child as a guage of your self worth.

When he begins to show the same charateristics with DS i do point out to him that he is sounding like his father, and ask him to remember how he felt as a child when his dad was saying the same things to him. Depending on his mood he'll either acknowledge this and try a different tac or he'll say "I agree with my dad now". It's hit & miss which response you'll get, no predictability there.

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Original poster
Marlie09 · 10/09/2010 13:30

Must add DS is sensitive to critisism as his father biological father is similar in nature and one of the reasons i decided to leave him was due to his bullying and controlling nature. So this can have quite an impact on him and how he feels about himself as we are constantly battling against the stuff the ex-DH puts in his head.

DD on the other hand couldn't give a stuff what daddy thinks and happily tells him so. He seems to think he can brow beat her into submission (she's not 2 yet) but she resolutly refuses to conform to any of his demands to becareful or stop climbing. She has a I can do it attitude and proves she's right every time so far. Not looking forward to the teenage years. :)

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 11/09/2010 19:54

How has the weekend been so far?

Original poster
Marlie09 · 11/09/2010 21:27

Not too bad thanks.

Defo much calmer than last week. Being on here has helped me loads, really made me smile at times. Wish I'd found it earlier.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 11/09/2010 22:39

When did you join?

Original poster
Marlie09 · 11/09/2010 22:43

When I first posted this thread, so only a week ago.

Have recommended MN to every mum at wrk and my friend who is expecting her first baby, think she will appreciate it more than anyone else.

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ChippingIn · 11/09/2010 22:46

Oh right - so you jumped in the deep end then!! How did you hear about it??

Original poster
Marlie09 · 12/09/2010 21:31

Just googled pregnancy stuff anf it came up on there so had a look round, then shit hit the fan so thought I'd post.
Don't have much of a social life and sometimes good to get impartial opinions on stuff.

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ChippingIn · 12/09/2010 22:36

It's a good place to hang out :)

You can have serious conversations or you can just talk shit with people - it's fab. It's a great place to scream, shout & swear a lot, it's great when you need a shoulder to cry on or a kick up the bum!

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