In-Laws interferring

[Marlie09]

FIL has got my goat by threatening to "take matters into his own hands" regarding ongoing issues between by 21mth daughter and MY cats. AIBU by telling him to butt out and drop the subject?

Next session is tomorrow evening. He says there's no point in attending but I shall go anyway.

The thought has crossed my mind that he is just looking for excuses to leave but that he doesn't want to end it and appear the "bad guy" as he keeps asking me to make the decision. He seems to think that I entered this relationship & marriage with one eye on the door so to speak which isn't the case.

This is my 2nd marriage, the 1st ended terribly and I was responsible for it ending (I walked out) so am fully aware of the implications and all the shit you have to deal with going through family courts, it's very damaging to the kids involved.

Marlie - I don't get a sense he's wanting to lose you, I just think he's trying to control you in a very immature fashion.

You have to find your voice and tell him NO - he can't keep running home to mummy and daddy.

Will defo try and persuade him to go as I think you are right, having someone impartial to point out the important stuff from the petty is really good.

Would agree with you Animation, I think that this is learned behaviour from his parents and him constantly using them as a sounding board for his angst isn't helping matters.

He has been see the GP today who has told him he's suffering from stress & anxeity, put him on some meds and got him to complete a questionnaire for a mental health referral. Maybe having some one-to-one counselling of his own will help him out personally. I have something similar following my divorce and found it very helpful. Had thought I knew everythin about myself and turned out I didn't really know squat.

My mum is itching to get involved on my behalf, had to politly tell her to bugger off and leave me to deal with it earlier on. Suppose it's natural really, would feel the same if it was one of my kids.

Marlie, I'm really sorry this has happened. Make sure you give sister a big wooden spoon for Christmas.
I have been divorced too and through counselling and I would emphatically say this is not the time for ultimatums! Everyone is too raw and in that situation ultimatums come across as too hostile.
I do understand from a couple of your comments why your DH might feel, however wrongly, that you're not 100% committed. If you want to stay married, I think you have to work on making him feel more secure. I would say something like, "You and the DC's are the most important things in the world to me and I will do everything I can to make this work." Then you can work on the other issues, be it cats or in-laws.

I say that to him frequently, have emphasised on many occassions that having been through all the crap in the last marriage the last thing I would have done is entered this one if I wasn't 100% commited to making it work. It was me who pushed for and set up all the counselling, both individually in 2008 and as a couple now (tried to get him to go last year but he wouldn't, said if we needed counsellors then marriage was already failing).
Sadly I fall into the trap of getting so frustrated with his constant negativity over everything, not just the cats and our relationship, that I say things I don't really mean just to try and shock somekind of reaction out of him.

It has a really detrimental effect on all his relationships not just those with me but the only one who can't see it is him and sadly I have 2 children and another on the way who need my support and attention far more. I know that will sound terrible but he makes me feel so guilty for taking them out or doing things with them, particulalry his stepson. Quite often feels like I'm parenting him aswell.

God don't I sound like a "poor me". Need large quantities of chocolate tonight I think.

Marlie - you don't sound like 'poor me' you sound like a woman at the end of her tether!

He needs to grow up.

That is the root of the problem. He runs to his parents all the time like a school boy.

Does he know what his sister has said to you?

I would tell him that you do want to make this work - it is up to him if he is in or out and if he wants to make this work he will be at the councelling session tomorrow night. Tell him if he isn't there, you'll know he's made his decision.

The Facebook thing is a bit of a red herring - a spouse would normally see that and either laugh or get a bit pissed off and ssay something - but not go running back to Mummy & Daddy.

Why & how does he make you feel guilty for taking the children out??

I don't think you can make someone to grow up, unfortunately. You can do less so that they have to do more, however. I've learnt that with my son (aged 19). I agree your DH needs to come to the counselling. I just don't think being confrontational as some MN's have suggested helps when things are this sensitive. I would say to your DH that on a scale of 1-10, this is a 10 to you in terms of the importance of him being there. Like you Marlie, I've been on my own and learned to do it all myself and I'm pretty strong-willed and controlling. I've learned to tone it down a bit with my DH. I can be, without knowing it, quite emasculating. Now I leave things for him to do instead of stepping in and doing them myself. It has helped. I realized that basically if left to m own devices I would make all the decisions. Obviously your DH has to stop running to his parents! For one thing, they only hear his side of the story and it destroys the trust in your marriage.

nomedoit I don't think you can make someone to grow up, unfortunately Yes & No. Marlie's DH is a fully grown adult - she can't 'make him grow up' but he can make himself act like an adult if he chooses to.

Your DS is still growing up - self reliance and emotional maturity aren't the same thing.

nomedoit - kno where yr coming from, have had to do that re: DH where dirty clothes, shopping etc are concerned, hasn't made much of a difference sadly, he's happy to live in a shit tip. It's not the same as emotional maturity and that is something that you have to achieve for yourself.
Agree that things are way too sensitive to even have a reasoned conversation at the mo.

ChippingIn - with regards the guilt thing, he moans if i buy DS anything eg school shoes, says i'm spoiling him and he won't learn the value of things, says he's spoilt and for while he was when there was just the 2 of us. Same thing if i decide take them both out for the day, accused of always givin in to DS rather than just doing it cos I want to

So he's jealous of DS it seems?

Marlie - how do you put up with it?

Tell me bout it, tried go bed tonight but just can't bloody sleep.

Sadly think that I am at that tipping point where part of me really wants to salvage the marriage as when things are running smoothly we do get along really well but the other part of me thinks is it really worth all this hassle and at the moment i can't say.

Have already made it clear to SIL in a polite manner of course, that it's really none of her business.

Issues around stepson are non-negotiable, he is treated same as DD, end of. We're going out tomorra for a school jumper and shoes and to hell with the consequences :o
Could mean divorce that!!!!
I don't see any faults in him but then I'm his mum, well maybe just the odd boy thing like butting in conversations or winding his little sister up.

Marlie - it's a shame you can't sleep, it would probably help a lot!

How old is DS?

Yes, you do get to a point where you want it, but not at any cost :(

Honestly, buying school uniform/shoes should be a complete no brainer and certainly doesn't count as spoiling!

Have you asked any friends who would be honest with you, if you appear to favour DS over DD or if they think you 'give into him' or whatever the fuck it is he is accusing you of?

What's the situation with the house etc if you do separate? Do you own it together? Rent? Would he go back to his parents? Would you be OK financially?

DS is 10 & DD is 21mths.
Have asked impartial friends bout this and they think it's actually the other way round and DD rules the roost, but they love each other and get along great, he even spends his pocket money on her.

House is rented so no issues there and we'd manage finacially, no major hols or anything but we'd get by. Don't think he'd go back to PIL tbh, don't know really, haven't thought bout it.

Oh, how sweet of DS :)

I still cannot believe he thinks he is more mature because he's never had debt, a mortgage or been married?

Don't answer any questions you don't want to OK, but ... were you already pregnant when he moved out of home and in with you? Does he or do his parents feel like you 'trapped' him or 'tricked' him into a relationship with you? Are they anti because you have been married/have a child etc? Do you think they have been trying to 'get him out of this' all along?

Defo something I'll be bringing up in tomorra's session if he attends. I speak to my parents bout stuff but not in that way and although mum gets quite defensive over me n my kid brother even though we're bothquite grown up now, she would never interfere in this way, she did try once or twice and we fell out over it so she just has to have a gently reminder now :)

No talking to him at the minute, twists everything you say to fit his argument so I have given up for the moment until he's calmed down enough to have a reasoned discussion bout it.

Need sleep, typing skills are going downhill rapidly :O

You do need sleep - but not to improve your typing, it's perfectly readable.

What time is your session tomorrow?

What have you told DS about DH not being there?

Chippingin - no wasn't pregnant when we got together. Have known him and his family since we were 14, were mates at school, met upi again after I parted with the ex.
Until this last two weeks me n PIL have got along pretty well all things considered.

They were glad he was moving on when we decided get married etc. Him n his dad were too alike so were always arguing when he lived with them, he's admit that he should have moved out yrs ago.

TBH I'm a bit bemused by it all.

I'm not suprised!

Do you think it was a case of the romance of meeting up again that got you together?

You have only been living together 3 years - were you together long before then? It just seems that you have had a lot of councelling for quite a young relationship and you went in 2008 so what, a year after you started living together?

That wasn't for relationship stuff, I suffered really bad ante-natal then post-natal depression with dd.

See what yr getting at, poss some of that in it, were together a year b4 getting married so been together 4 yrs in total. Lot happened in short space of time, perhaps a little too much, dd was planned but ds2 (due dec) was bit of an accident. Wasn't too chuffed at 1st but ok with it now.