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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-Laws interferring

127 replies

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 02:13

FIL has got my goat by threatening to "take matters into his own hands" regarding ongoing issues between by 21mth daughter and MY cats. AIBU by telling him to butt out and drop the subject?

OP posts:

Vallhala · 05/09/2010 18:56

Why on earth are you letting this man bully you into doing what he wants you to do?

Has the term "Fuck off and mind your own" never occurred to you?

Seriously, I would be reminding him that he made the decisions when DH was a child... but these are children and my pets and I* will decide what's best for each of them (and if he doesn't like it, yes, he can fuck off).

YANBU. What an ass!

(You might like to point out to him that banishing a dog behind a settee when the DGC come around could well cause rather than prevent a problem too).

sorrento56 · 05/09/2010 18:59

YANBU.

Your child, your decision.

My FIL thinks he can tell me what to do with my kids but I just tell him to butt out.

StewieGriffinsMom · 05/09/2010 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vallhala · 05/09/2010 19:11

BTW, what do you think he means by "take matters into his own hands"?

Animation · 05/09/2010 19:27

Marlie - reading your last post, I was wondering where the hell is her anger - but in your last sentence I breathed a sigh of relief!!

DetectivePotato · 05/09/2010 19:31

YANBU. You have sorted out the problem cats. End of story. Any cat would probably scratch with a toddler falling on it.

How dare you let your toddler on climbing frames and ride a bike. Or the horror of letting a child be a child.

FIL sounds a pita and I don't like his "taking into my hands" threat. Sounds like he could turn nasty with a situation that has, tbh, got fuck all to do with him. Interferring git.

DetectivePotato · 05/09/2010 19:31

Should read "oh the horror of letting a child be a child"

nomedoit · 05/09/2010 19:47

Does you DH talk to his parents about issues between the two of you? Is that why FIL feels able to get involved?

Original poster

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 19:48

I felt he was implying he would either take them and dump them or worse have them put to sleep without me knowing. Like I say, I haven't spoken to him since and at the moment have no intentions of making peace with him either.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel & i reiterate that the younger cat did need to be rehomed due to his jealousy and I have not just palmed him off, he has gone to a good foster carer who will throughly vet any future home for him.
Sadly I do feel I have been forced into rehoming the 2nd cat but this was my consession to compromise over what has become an intolerable situation which has brought my marriage to the brink of collapse. Being 6mths pregnant isn't helping matters as you can imagine. Hence the reason we have been seeing a counsellor for the past 3 weeks to try and help deal with the family issues.

OP posts:

Original poster

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 19:54

DH does speak to family a lot about issue between us, so yes could be why FIL still feels he has some power. DH all spine when he's not there, going to tell him where to get off etc. but different matter when face to face, without wishing to paint him black, his way of dealing with any stress be it personal, work related or emotional is to go out and get wrecked then come home and either shout or pass out. In fairness to him he generally keeps this out of the children's lives as much as possible but obviously they aren't stupid and pick up on the tension.
I had similar issues with my family and it wasn't until I made it perfectly clear that they were entitled to their opinion but thats where it ended that that situation has become less volatile.

OP posts:

DetectivePotato · 05/09/2010 20:04

Maybe your DH needs to stop winging to his parents so much, then they can't be so involved.

Animation · 05/09/2010 20:15

How about you set an ultimatum to DH, like, quit bitching to your FIL about me otherwise - divorce.

Original poster

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 21:04

Have got to that point it would seem. Trouble is I'm his 1st proper partner and h only left home to live with me just over 3 yrs ago so he's still at that breakaway point with his parents that most people go through in their teens. Sadly he doesn't see it that way, he feels that he is the more mature cos he's never been in debt, had a mortgage or been divorced like I have.

OP posts:

Animation · 05/09/2010 21:07

An ultimatum might give him a growth spurt.

Original poster

Marlie09 · 05/09/2010 21:18

I doubt it. Have told him before that I have no fear of being a single parent again, if he doesn't like living here then he can leave. He hasn't left, just sulked and told me I'm unreasonable and selfish.
I'm sure men and women are not designed to live together.

OP posts:

Animation · 05/09/2010 21:26

That's not an ultimatum though.

If you do it propery they usually work, - like "stop talking about me TO FIL or go". You've got to mean it though, and follow it through.

zipzap · 05/09/2010 21:58

THink you should remind your FIL that if he does anything to your cat(s) then you will do the same to his dogs. Point this out when MIL is around so she is worried too - if she is worried about what FIL might do to your cats. And if he is going to be petty and butt into stuff that doesn't concern him then you will take that as a green light to do exactly the same as he does.

OK so if your FIL does the worst thing possible and take cat(s) to be put down, from your posts it doesn't sound like you would actually do this.

But you could temporarily remove the dog for a while and give FIL a fright.

Might also make him stop and think before doing anything that he shouldn't or that he wouldn't like done to him.

Also - do you know the vet that he uses - and that you use? COuld you speak to them about your worries and see if they can put a flag next to his name/your cats so that if he did do anything outrageous when he got to the vets they would refuse to do it?

Good luck - sounds a nightmare of a FIL to deal with!

nomedoit · 05/09/2010 22:53

"But you could temporarily remove the dog for a while and give FIL a fright."

Yes, you could, zipzap. Except that will make family relationships even worse, put the OP's husband in an impossible position and possibly end up in the police being called.

ChippingIn · 05/09/2010 23:16

Marlie so what was the point in your DH going to his parents this afternoon? What happened?

How do you feel the councelling is going?

zipzap · 06/09/2010 00:49

Yes, I suppose you're right nomedoit - but bet the OP would enjoying imagining the look on her FIL's face if she did do it (and sounds like dog is not one that you would want to take anyhow)

still think it is reasonable though to ask the FIL why he thinks he should be involving himself by bringing his dog into the equation to see what he would think of somebody else interfering with his animal!

nomedoit · 06/09/2010 01:48

Marlie, seriously I think you have bigger problems than your cats. Do you want to get divorced? You sound really unhappy with your DH. And it must be hurtful for him to hear that "If he doesn't like living here he can leave." That is a very uncompromising position to take in a marriage to say the least. If my DH said that to me I would take it as meaning that he didn't want to try to sort things out.

Lizcat · 06/09/2010 08:31

Sorry I am a little confused what do they think a cat is going to do to your DD?

As a cat lover, but also a vet who has been bitten and scratched on multiple occasions I am at a loss as to what they believe the worst case scenario is?
I can sympathise with your problems with your PIL, my DH does not stand up to his mother and it is very frustrating. I have found that I need to choose my battles very carefully. There are certain things I will not compromise on, but I have a whole list that I just live with even though I don't like them. I see this as part of the marriage compromise.

Original poster

Marlie09 · 06/09/2010 09:51

Thank you for your support, it's really appreciated. Sadly it seems I have made a terrible faux pas when speaking to my friend and fellow cat lover on FB. She reminded me of something I said several yrs ago bout preferring my pets to another relationship, in jest I replied that perhaps I should rehome the husband not the cats. It was written and taken in jest by me & my friend but one of DH's friends or family has taken it upon themselves to make it into some big issue about me thinking more of the cats than him, this has sparked a huge family row so I am now recieving nasty txts from his sister. He had a MASSIVE blow up yesterday pm about it and even though I tried to explain he refused to listen, went directly to his parents hence his sister now becoming involved and has now informed me that unless I make drastic changes to who I am then he no longer wants to be in this marriage.
As I have already said, I'm no angel and can be an unresonable bitch at times, in no way was this meant in a nasty or malicious way, with hindsight perhaps I should have had a little more thought about the forum I chose to make this jibe but as I hadn't intended any malice I didn't think anyone else would see it that way. Turns out I was wrong.
As you can imagine FIL's interferring has now become th least of my problems.

OP posts:

diddl · 06/09/2010 10:03

Well if he thinks you meant it then imo he doesn´t think much of you.

Change who you are?

Sorry but is he after an excuse to leave?

AvrilHeytch · 06/09/2010 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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