In-Laws interferring

[Marlie09]

FIL has got my goat by threatening to "take matters into his own hands" regarding ongoing issues between by 21mth daughter and MY cats. AIBU by telling him to butt out and drop the subject?

Oh, right, sorry - I was going from this...

It was me who pushed for and set up all the counselling, both individually in 2008 and as a couple now (tried to get him to go last year but he wouldn't, said if we needed counsellors then marriage was already failing).

I hope he goes tomorrow.

It was a bit vague wasn't it.

Yeah, I hope he goes too.

Think it will help but still unsure what the outcome will be. We'll see.....

I'd have told him to fuck off tbh. It is a cat, not a fucking german shepherd. I spent quite a lot of time being scratched by cats as a child. It didn't stop me putting them in prams and dressing them up so clearly wasn't that bad

I don't think how long they were together before they got married has any bearing really. We got engaged after 6 months, married at 14 months, and yesterday was our 24th Wedding Anniversary.

Marlie - I had 3 cats prior to ds and they were very important to me. If ds had sat on their heads, he would have been scratched, (as would I) and I would not have rehomed them. They all rubbed along together until the last cat died at 19.

I think your fil is the issue here. I hope he doesn't have access to your home (change the locks if he does). He needs to be told to butt out. Your dh also needs to accept ds; he hasn't worked out it seems that you don't love one child to the exclusion of the others.

Don't think dh realises just how upsetting rehoming the cats has been for me. When I try to explain he makes out I love the cats over dd or I wouldn't be making such a fuss about it. However, rightly or wrongly I have conceded and rehomed them. Am still in contact with one of the new owners so know that the cat has settled well there. Think he also feels we're on more equal footing now as he loves dogs but won't have one cos of the kids???

Really now as to whether I should have have done it or not.

He comes across as either very insecure or controlling imo.

I don´t think you should have rehomed the cat that scratched accidentally tbh.

It seems as if he´s trying to control but can´t do it alone & gets daddy to help.

Very odd.

Marlie - men use attack as the best form of defence and will try to make out that it is your fault, or that you are being unreasonable. You haven't, he has. Get the cat back that was sat on if you can. Your dd needs to know how to deal with animals imo, and to learn that most mammals will react if their heads are sat on unexpectedly, including Mums!

We still have one cat, he's 18 amd too old to rehome anyway. He's down to his last 2 teeth as well so would do much damage if he tried.

The cat who scratched accidentally is the one that has gone to live with a friend of mine and as she has settled really well I think it would be unfair to change her circumstances again, we see her on a regular basis anyway.

The one is the rehoming centre is the one I worry about most, he came to me as a stray and I feel that I've betrayed his trust a little by leaving him even though it was done with the best intentions.

DH is VERY, VERY insecure. B4 we got together I did have a chat with him and said it would have been better had he lived on his own for 6 mths just so he could have spent sometime pleasing himself rather than feeling he's always fitting into someone else's schedule (another thing he complains about).

The more I write about this the more I wonder why I'm putting up with him. Terrible.

Marlie you shouldn't have re-homed the cat, it didn't do anything wrong and I don't think giving into DH and FIL's threats was a a good thing. However, it's done now and you say the cat is happy and you don't want to get her back - so there's no point in worrying yourself over that decision. The other cat in the re-homing centre - will they put it down if it's not re-homed after a certain time or does it have a home for life there? I don't think you can allow it to be put down.

When one of you has been living life as an adult and the other living a life as a child still, it doesn't work - they do need to get out of the parental home and live as independant adults. (It's not so bad if you both have only lived at home, you kind of adapt together, but I still wouldn't recommend it.)

However, it's too late to change that now and you have to deal with the 'fall out'.

I don't think he's mature enough to deal with your relationship and his parents are not helping - but of course, they love him running back to them - it makes them feel needed and important, when they should be telling him to grow up and deal with it like a man not a boy :(

Only you know whether the struggle is worth it, whether there's any chance of him growing up before you get so past loving him that it's too late.

Frankly, I would sooner be living on my own with the 3 kids, than live with him anymore. I want to be in a relationship with a man not a boy.

Unfortunately, it's

As far as I'm aware the Cats Protection League don't put healthy cats down unless there is no other solution.

I certainly feel that I can no longer have any kind of amiable relationship with his family following this. If they want to see dd they can either come to my house or dh will have to take her himself, the novelty of that will soon wear off once it begins to interfere with what he wants to do.

I agree, he is very emotionally immature and I hadn't really seen it until now. The way he has dealt with this whole situation has been appalling, if I wrote everything on here what has happened you'd advise me have him through the door immediately.

Will contact the rehoming centre to see what would happen if I decide to get the cat back, know I'll have to pay them something but don't mind that.

In some ways I have facilitated his behaviour by just accepting the "mothering" role as I'm already doing it with the kids but if we are to progress at all that needs to be addressed along with one or two other issues that are equally as pressing.

if I wrote everything on here what has happened you'd advise me have him through the door immediately

No doubt - I already think you are fighting an uphill battle, much more and I'd say it's a lost cause. (He hasn't hit you has he??)

The cat at the rehoming centre - what was it actually doing?

Yes, you have facilitated his behaviour, it doesn't mean you have to keep doing that though.

Do you want to talk about the 'other issues' or would you like to keep them to yourself for now?

What time is your session today?

Have you heard from him today?

He hasn't hit me, he's not that stupid.

The cat who went to the rehoming centre was very loyal to me, wouldn't have anyone else. He was naughty at times andquite bolshy with it (half oriental so bit of mixed personality). When dd started toddling he gave her a cuff on the head cos she wouldn't stop poking him, this drew blood but was fine, few months later she was doing same again and he gave her another cuff, this time he caught her face, near her eye, which was not ideal so we stopped him being in the room when she was up. Then dd developed cough which GP advised cld be allergy so all cats removed from the house, other than in kitchen. Few weeks back he scratched her arm, again when she has not understood his warnings, only slight, she's had worse from the park. On the first two occassions I was out of the room which is my fault for leaving them together, 3rd time I was there and he got a tap on the nose for it.

Personally I think it could have been managed much better, dd could have been taught more about handling cats but dh wouldn't let her go near them, of course it was all my fault for not getting shot of the cats in the 1st place which is what he has always wanted. He would claim it's not the case it's only his daughter's welfare he's concerned with. However, he doesn't think of this when he is shouting and swearing in front of her when he's got one on him, especially if he has been drinking. (I feel he has a drink problem, he doesn't, another bone of contention.) I would have allowed the cat in question access to upstairs, he slept happily all day on ds's bed and was no trouble, but that was banned too, just in case he bought fleas in (they are all treated monthly, was never going happen).

I could go on & on. In the interests of fairness you are only getting my side of things here and I'm positive he would see things much differently like when I threw a pie at him when I was pregnant, and the kitchen roll inc. holder, again I was pregnant. Blamed hormones :o

My DH and most of his family are cat haters. They have smelly labradors instead which leave black hairs everywhere when they bring them to your house 'Oh, do you mind us bringing the dog?'. Shame they don't ask beforehand. My FIL once suggested that my DH had my cat put down because the cat got into a fight, got an abcess and I (me, myself, not DH) paid emergency vets fees to get it treated.

I can usually turn conversations like this at bay by mentioning Old People's Homes and installing troublesome relatives in them and FIL gets the message.

It does sound like your DH might be a bit jealous of your cats and your DS. He does sound like he's the one who has been spoilt not your DS. And possibly, your suggestion of him living on his own for a time was a very good one. It sounds like he needed some space from his parents, a chance to grow up in readiness for the future. He also sounds like he's used to getting his family to do his dirty work for him. Is he the youngest?

And, if he doesn't go to the counselling, it will be him who will seem like the 'bad guy' as he'll be the one who gave up on trying to sort things out.

Well, I have to say your cat that is at the re-homing centre doesn't sound like a problem to me, it's not like he is launching herself across the room to attack your DD or waiting in doorways to attack. I would have growled at the cat, but I would have also told DD off and would constantly remind her to be gentle and careful with the cat or if the cat wouldn't even like that - leave the cat alone. You don't re-home an oven because it gets hot, you teach the child not to touch it and don't leave them together until this is understood. It's a teaching not a re-homing issue.

You are right - his shouting and swearing are much bigger issues, along with the drinking, than a couple of cat scratches.

I am sure you had good reason to chuck the pie and the holder

Have you been for DS's school bits yet?

"No doubt - I already think you are fighting an uphill battle, much more and I'd say it's a lost cause."

Jesus, ChippinIn. Please change your name to WadingIn! You don't know the OP or her DH or the full facts. None of us do. The OP has two kids, another on the way and you seem more preoccupied with the cats and telling the OP what she has done wrong. Give the counselling a bloody chance. Lots of people go through bad patches but manage to work it out. Maybe the OP will, maybe she won't, either way it's not your call.

Oh please can we rename this the Crazy Cat Women thread.

nomedoit - WFT?

The OP has two children, she's six months pregnant and she's in counselling to save her marriage... and all we're talking about is the rehomed cat?

No, nomedoit, we appear to be talking about an insecure mummy's boy, who like his father is applying controlling techniques upon the OP, oe of which involved a cat (who didn't deserve it, you're damn right ChippingIn). :) Said cat is at risk, in the OPs opinion of being dumped or killed by the fecking FIL. I think that's worth talking about.

Marlie, you've more patience than me. One inkling of a threat of that kind and the man would never have come within miles of my home or children again.

DH did go to counselling last night, can't say it went well tbh but at least we both went. I've returned to work this week after the hols so have lots of distraction.

One thing he was keen to point out was that he felt his sister's and father's interference were justified as they are concerned for dd's welfare, implying that I didn't care and put pet welfare above her's, not the case, I agree with both ChippingIn & SugarMousePink that educating DD would have been more beneficial for her in the long run than removing feline threat. Can't remove every danger, but apparently I'm talking shit when I mention this.

As you can imagine, not much marital progress made last night but at least for the moment I have lost the urge to kill, merely at the maiming stage now, where's the pies?? :O

Marlie, I'm really glad you made progress. I've been through this and it can take time for the temperature to go down...
I wonder if vis-a-vis the presence of the cats you will have to reach a point where you agree to disagree? This thread has shown that feelings run high with pets! Personally I don't think rehoming them was unreasonable. What I think doesn't matter of course, I'm just saying that to show that your DH isn't alone in his opinion. I also have a friend who is a lawyer dealing with dog-bite cases and he is completely paranoid now about dogs. When he comes over with his wife and children I have to take my little dog (personality of a mouse) over to my MIL's! Otherwise he is on edge all the time. I don't think he's right but I like him enough to humour him.
What I am saying is it is possible sometimes for each side to have a valid point of view - and each person has to let go of 'being right'.
Obviously, I don't think it's OK for his family to be intervening on any issue because that sort of thing just destabilises any marriage. But, he did go having said he wouldn't.