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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I've done enough and she should get over this?

106 replies

sarahhuggersack · 04/09/2010 15:41

Name change.

Good friend who I've known 15 years. Never a cross word between us and I've done a lot for her when times haven't been great.

Made a thoughtless comment to her a couple of months back. Realised straight away that I'd upset her so dropped a card in next day to say how much I valued our friendship and hoped she would forgive me for being so thoughtless. Also apologised to her next time I saw her, although she was obviously sulking.

Been away most of the summer and thought she would have got over it by now. Couldn't believe it when I saw her in town this week and she completely ignored me when I said hello. Spoke to her DP today who talked to her. Apparently she will stop sulking "when I've apologised properly". Confused

AIBU to think that this is just control freakery on her part, tell her that I have already apologised and say WTF do you expect me to do? Or do I send another card? She won't answer the phone to me and ignored a couple of texts I sent while I was away.

OP posts:
Ariesgirl · 04/09/2010 15:44

Enough's enough. You have apologised repeatedly. If she won't even answer your texts or calls what on earth can you do? She is just attention seeking (though I'm longing to know what you said!)

sallyseton · 04/09/2010 15:44

What did you say?

belgo · 04/09/2010 15:45

Depends on what you said!

AMumInScotland · 04/09/2010 15:47

Is she normally like that about things? Like, have you known her react in a similar way when someone else upset her?

If not, then I'd probably try to speak to her to find out why she didn't feel your apology was a proper one, assuming he friendship is worth bothering about.

If she's been like this towards other people ten that's different, but if its a one-off I'd assume there's been a misunderstanding about your apology and try one last time.

taintedpaint · 04/09/2010 15:47

Well it depends how thoughtless the comment was. I think she's being a bit childish, but she might've been a lot more hurt than you've realised. Can you give any more information without exposing yourself too much? FWIW though, I think you've gone to great lengths to prove your worth here, she seems to be damaging the friendship more by her reaction tbh.

pjmama · 04/09/2010 15:47

I don't know, I guess whether she should be over it depends what you said and just how hurtful and thoughtless it was? It sounds like she has no interest in forgiving you or giving you a chance to "apologise properly" if she won't communicate with you.

I think I'd try another card if she won't speak to you any other way and ask if you can get together to talk it through. Beyond that, I'm not sure what else you can do if she won't discuss it?

Earlybird · 04/09/2010 15:48

What does 'apologise properly' mean exactly? Seems you have tried and failed to make amends. What exactly does she want/expect from you.

Did you do one of those 'half apologies' (the kind I hate) where you say 'I'm sorry you got upset' instead of 'I'm sorry I upset you'?

diddl · 04/09/2010 15:52

Depending on what you said, I might not consider a card a proper apology, tbh.

belgo · 04/09/2010 15:53

Agree with Earlybird- it does depend very much on what you said to offend her, and how you have apoligised.

shongololo · 04/09/2010 15:55

i think id be tempted to leave it now. Let her come to you. You can do no more without making yourself seem really needy. If she really wants you o beat yourself with birch twigs, then what kind of friend is she really? I love my friends....and a simple apology is ALWAYS enough. You have apologised - what, 3 or 4 times now.

Id be tempted to text and say "the ball in now in your court, I shall not contact you again, nor shall I wear a hair shirt."

proudnsad · 04/09/2010 15:56

What did you say?!

sorrento56 · 04/09/2010 16:03

Depends on if you want to be friends again and feel you can get past this. Apologising properly in this case I think she wants you to do it to her face. A card or text is easy to do and you don't necessarily have to mean it.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 04/09/2010 16:15

We clearly need all the information so we can be nosy witches help you properly.

dalek · 04/09/2010 16:15

It really does depend on what you said. I've dropped an acquaintance (thought she was my friend but obviously wasn't) in the past for saying something that was just intended to make me feel insecure and her feel like she had one over on me. Have not spoken a word to her since.

DetectivePotato · 04/09/2010 16:16

I would have thought a card was a nice way to apologise. I can't really comment on her behaviour without knowing what you said. If it was something fairly minor, then considering how long you have been friends for and that fact that you realised you had upset her and then sent her a card, she is being OTT. On the otherhand if it was something that was really out of order that she would't expect from a long term friend then she may be justified.

All depends on what you said. I am inclined to think it may have been bad considering you didn't put it in the OP.

BitOfFun · 04/09/2010 16:20
Original poster
sarahhuggersack · 04/09/2010 16:21

Friend was shouting at her DD for something really trivial. No reason to fly of the handle about it at all, and friend was completely calm before it happened, not stressed out and having a bad day. I've seen her doing it a lot and her DD gets upset out of all proportion because friend just flies off the handle at her some times without any warning.

I said "Maybe you should try not to shout at her because I don't think it's having much effect apart from upsetting her. When you stay calm she reacts better and you get the message over really well."

She told her DP that I had no right to say what I did. She's right, I didn't. How many months do I have to wear sackcloth and ashes though?

OP posts:
fuschiagroan · 04/09/2010 16:23

yeah she's overreacting

TheCrackFox · 04/09/2010 16:23

Actually i think you said the right thing and I wouldn't apologise for it.

Eglu · 04/09/2010 16:24

It depends how upsetting your comment was, also how trite you were in the card you sent.

teenyanne · 04/09/2010 16:27

YA so NBU - you've apologised with a card and in person - what more does she want? And if she won't speak to you, how are you meant to know what she means by a "proper apology". I wonder if she actually has realised you were right and is too embarassed to admit it, so would rather pretend that you are the problem rather than admitting she over-reacted.

ivykaty44 · 04/09/2010 16:28

sensitive area for her - maybe you hit a nerve...not really that awful a soemthing to say but she has blown this up out of all purportion, just liek she blows up out of all purportion when her dd does soemthing trivial

Eglu · 04/09/2010 16:28

x post. I think you've done enough. What you said was true, if she can't handle that her problem. You've said sorry.

Rockbird · 04/09/2010 16:28

I thought you were going to say you'd insulted her dead mother or something. What you've put seems perfectly reasonable, I might have told you to beak out but it's certainly not something you sulk for weeks over.

I think I would leave it tbh. If she's willing to ditch you over something so silly then she's not worth it. Alternatively, if you stop contacting her she might realise what she's chucking away.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 04/09/2010 16:28

I wouldn't apologise for what you said. I would say that it wasn't your intention to upset her, but you said what you believed so why should you apologise? You meant it, yes? So apologising makes it look like she was right.