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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I've done enough and she should get over this?

106 replies

sarahhuggersack · 04/09/2010 15:41

Name change.

Good friend who I've known 15 years. Never a cross word between us and I've done a lot for her when times haven't been great.

Made a thoughtless comment to her a couple of months back. Realised straight away that I'd upset her so dropped a card in next day to say how much I valued our friendship and hoped she would forgive me for being so thoughtless. Also apologised to her next time I saw her, although she was obviously sulking.

Been away most of the summer and thought she would have got over it by now. Couldn't believe it when I saw her in town this week and she completely ignored me when I said hello. Spoke to her DP today who talked to her. Apparently she will stop sulking "when I've apologised properly". Confused

AIBU to think that this is just control freakery on her part, tell her that I have already apologised and say WTF do you expect me to do? Or do I send another card? She won't answer the phone to me and ignored a couple of texts I sent while I was away.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 04/09/2010 17:29

I try quite hard not to upset my friends.
Call me crazy.

And I said she may be genuinely upset. And I said we don't really know both sides of the situation.And I am not sure I commented at all on the child but I love your flowery prose on the scene.

Animation · 04/09/2010 17:42

Pagwash - I suspect the friend's upset feelings are nothing more than wounded pride - she'll get over it.

In the meantime, I hope the friend gets her temper in check around child. The OP did right to pull her in line.

diddl · 04/09/2010 17:48

It could be wounded pride, or it could be that she is struggling.

pagwatch · 04/09/2010 17:49

Actually I suspect the opposite.

But lets neither of us assume that we know for sure. That would be ridiculous.

FlyMeToDunoon · 04/09/2010 17:50

Sounds to me as if your friend completely over-reacted but then I consider that you did too - in sending a card and then apologising again!
Mountain out of a molehill.
Mind you if I was her I would have just retorted there and then. I don't sulk. [well sometimes]

coodles · 04/09/2010 17:50

How much do you value this friendship?

I'm not sure how much more you can do here, but maybe phoning her and suggesting just the 2 of you go out for a coffee - without the children might be a way forward.

Sounds like you hit a raw nerve - criticising friends children/ their parenting skills is a minefield I think.

diddl · 04/09/2010 17:58

It might not be what was said but how.

Who wants to be spoken to like a child?

undercovamutha · 04/09/2010 18:08

Depends how good your apology was tbh, and whether she generally finds you a bit judgy.

Tbh, I don't think its got anything to do with whether you are good friends or not. What a good friend would have done, if they really thought their wonderful advice was necessary, would be to wait until a suitable situation came up (such as friend saying that she was getting stressed and wound up by her DCs, and what could she do about it) and then offer your twopenneth.

I KNOW I get cross with my DD to no good effect sometimes. This is because I am HUMAN! I certainly wouldn't want someone pointing out to me what I already knew, and what I already felt crappy about.

Niecie · 04/09/2010 18:12

YANBU I don't think, but I do agree to with FlymetoDunoon - I think you made a mistake in apologising too much already. It has allowed the whole thing to blow up when it was one thoughtless comment - she couldn't just shrug it off when you went to so much trouble to apologise.

And FWIW I don't think you sound sarcastic or santimonious. You sound like somebody who knows they have made a mistake, tried to put it right and is now frustrated at a friend who needs to grow up a bit and won't move on.

As for never being allowed to offer criticism of anybody's parenting - Confused. How is anybody supposed to learn? I hope if I was doing something really awful somebody would pull me up on it and I would have the maturity to do something about it or ask for help if things were that bad, not go into a sulk.

RunawayWife · 04/09/2010 18:22

So she is a rubbish mother as well as a rubbish friend

Tortington · 04/09/2010 18:24

id fuck her off she sounds like a proper nobber.

if you apologised...twice thats enough, if she doesn't get it after that and she wants you to beg - tell her to fuck right off - what kind of a friend is that anyway?

i remember criticising a friends partner, and she was v. upset about it and sent me an e-mail which was really OTT. she is a good friend and i was mortified that i had caused this situation by my thoughlessness adn fuckwittery. however i was v. angry at the e-mail. so i apologised , kept the e-mail v. formal in tone.

she then apologised for her overreaction and then we boths oftened up and just kept apologising to each other.

taught me a lesson though, dont criticise unless they ask your opinion first. however they can criticise all they like, it doesn't give me carte blanche to join in.

Nannytwotimes · 04/09/2010 18:26

Good grief I'm always putting my foot in it. A real friend learns to love you despite those little mistakes. Life is too short to take offence at everything. It's not as if your observation was unkind or even unhelpful.
Teenyanne's got it in one, I think.

She'll be back if she values your friendship.

bronze · 04/09/2010 18:31

IS there any chance she didnt get the card and thinks the hello in town isnt much of an apology?

zeno · 04/09/2010 18:37

Friend completely ignoring you is a supremely childish response, esp in context of such a long friendship. That's a point at which it's reasonable to be thinking "well wtf am I supposed to do here exactly?"

We all make errors of judgement, and equally we ought all to be able to accept an apology sincerely meant and move forward.

You have my sympathy, but sadly no solutions.

Original poster
sarahhuggersack · 04/09/2010 18:47
OP posts:
echt · 04/09/2010 18:53

She's an arse. Unfortunately she's now in such a position it's probably hard for her to back off. After all, how can the OP "apologise properly" if she won't talk face to face or speak by phone. Singing telegram?

laurely · 04/09/2010 19:04

She is being manipulative and childish and very stubborn.

Call her bluff.

Although maybe next time realise that the truth hurts. (wink)

KurriKurri · 04/09/2010 19:12

Sarah - I feel sorry that your friend is being so difficult. I apreciate as others have said that she was hurt, but IMO you have done all you can in terms of apologising. I'm a bit Confused as to what else she expects, either she's going to forgive you or she's not, she needs to make up her mind.

To be frank if someone went on and on about a proper apology to me when 3 have already been given, I would find it quite hard to view them in the same light as I had before. But you sound as if you genuinely want to save the friendship, so good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Earlybird · 04/09/2010 19:20

Whenever I have a strong/gut reaction to something relatively minor, it is because it has touched a raw nerve. Thankfully, I am learning to recognise when this happens and not to over-react.

I suspect there is something deeper going on with your friend, and that your comment was a trigger for something that his her issue.

It is a real shame that she seems willing to let this incident ruin a close friendship. But at this point, I'm not sure what more you can do.

Earlybird · 04/09/2010 19:20

is, not his

Miggsie · 04/09/2010 19:24

There's nothing like making a comment on a friend's parenting skills to end a friendship!

Unfortunately, a lot of people don't take criticism well, or interpret helpful comments as criticism.

My SIL hasn't spoken to me after DH told her to control her dog properly...her dog ran up to 2 yo DD and jumped up knocking DD backwards onto a stone flagged floor.

That was 5 years ago.

I think you'll have to call it a day with that friend, if it wasn't that, it would have been something else.

zeno · 04/09/2010 19:37

Miggsie makes a good point: "if it wasn't that it would have been something else". This certainly holds true for the time I experienced similar events.

Fwiw, in circs where friend and I spent lots of time together with lots of mutual friends, we made a fairly smooth transistion to not seeing one another at all. Not sure how it turned out that way, but there you go. I had a policy of not discussing it with any mutual friends, so it didn't turn into a saga where people had to take sides.

This will no doubt sound like sour grapes, but I absolutely don't miss her friendship and am glad it came out when it did. An inability to accept an apology is a character defect it's hard to work around, and I'm glad not to have to do it, because I make fuck-ups all the time, no matter how hard I try!

undercovamutha · 04/09/2010 19:41

OP - your last post has changed my mind! Your card sounded lovely, and it totally sounds like you have apologised all you can.

I'd leave it now, I don't see what else you can say. Hopefully she will come round.

thesecondcoming · 04/09/2010 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DetectivePotato · 04/09/2010 20:34

Your card does sound lovely and you can tell that you are genuninely sorry. She is being completely pig headed and I wouldn't go chasing after her, begging her forgiveness which is what she wants.

At least with a card as an apology, it is a thoughtful gesture that she can keep. I thought it was a very nice way to apologise.

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