to think I've done enough and she should get over this?

[sarahhuggersack]

Name change.

Good friend who I've known 15 years. Never a cross word between us and I've done a lot for her when times haven't been great.

Made a thoughtless comment to her a couple of months back. Realised straight away that I'd upset her so dropped a card in next day to say how much I valued our friendship and hoped she would forgive me for being so thoughtless. Also apologised to her next time I saw her, although she was obviously sulking.

Been away most of the summer and thought she would have got over it by now. Couldn't believe it when I saw her in town this week and she completely ignored me when I said hello. Spoke to her DP today who talked to her. Apparently she will stop sulking "when I've apologised properly".

AIBU to think that this is just control freakery on her part, tell her that I have already apologised and say WTF do you expect me to do? Or do I send another card? She won't answer the phone to me and ignored a couple of texts I sent while I was away.

I think you have touched a nerve, very much so. Very sad situation really, if she comes down hard on her girl and even her DP notices. Horrible to walk on eggshells with a mother whilst another sibling can do no wrong; that was my childhood.

Don't mean to project!

The fact that DD is the 'scapegoated child' and has to walk on eggshells, and DS is the 'golden child', reinforces my belief that the friend has narcissistic traits.

Sara - I think you did the right thing to challenge her, but now it needs space, and don't worry what she thinks of you. If your intervention has helped the DD that's the got to be a good thing. Have confidence, and don't torment yourself anymore.

Lots of judge and jury on here WRT.

If you are actually saying that you believe this little girl is subject to emotional abuse then her father has a duty to deal with the issue. Shaking his head and talking it over with his old pal, you, will not do. This needs to become about the welfare of a child and not your hurt feelings or lost friendship.

He needs to face up to the situation and address it via their GP. She may be able to access one of the short courses of counselling. They are a bit of a sticking plaster but it might open the whole area up. TBH, if he doesn't then he is colluding in the abuse. It all sounds a bit heavy doesn't it? But I am reading what you are saying. If you care about this little girl then you should urge him to act. If he won't then I don't know where you take it. Tell them both you don't like what you see and feel the need to take it further? Horrible situation but then, if what you say is true, the little girl is already in a horrible situation.

Those last few posts have really made me think very hard about what is going on with her.

Just after DD was born she had some big health issues to deal with and a bad bereavement. It was really hard for her having to cope with two young boys, a new DD and all the other stuff. We had to move 300 miles away for 18 months in the midst of it all and although we spoke on the phone at least once a week and we saw them a few times for weekends, I didn't always have the full picture. I think she kept some things from me because she didn't want to seem as if she was moaning all the time.

Looking back on it all, I suspect that her bond with her DD is not as strong as it is with her sons because of everything that went on, and maybe that is why her temper is closer to the surface with her DD. She treats DD well and as well as the boys in all practical respects - she gets the same activities, presents, general attention and probably the same number of cuddles at bedtime, but when things go wrong, maybe that first year starts to kick off in her head?

I'm not sure I really understand what narcissistic (3 attempts at typing that!) personalities are about, so I can't really say if that is part of what is going on. I think it is a sort of "emotional abuse", but it's a single trait in her character and not part of a big pattern of similar stuff. At least, I've never seen anything to suggest that it is, and I don't think anyone else has. (The local harpies would have been buzzing if they had!)

I hope I'll have a chance to talk to her DP about it in the next week or so, because even as I was typing "that he worries about it too" I thought to myself that really he should try a bit harder to deal with it. He's a lovely guy, but not hugely assertive.

If she is narcissistic (1st attempt!), and if he tells her that I am worried about her, maybe she'll even start to speak to me again. (That's a , BTW!)

I was quite worried that I would be eaten alive on AIBU, and I could have just posted on Relationships, but I really didn't know if I was BU and I knew you would tell me straight away on here. Everyone's thoughts have been really helpful, and no one has even been slightly nasty to me!

x x x

Yes, I think you do have to talk to her DH about his wife and her relationship with their DD - of course, this will probably make it worse for you, but sometimes you just have to do it don't you.

Maybe if she sorts out her relationship with her daughter she will want to rebuild her relationship with you too.

Do you see the children without her - are the kids friends? Can you do anything to make her feel better about herself?

"Not sure I really understand what narcissistic personalities are about".

Sarah, what's also telling is how incredibly responsible you seem to feel for everything - your friend's feelings, her DD's plight, the DP. It's all on your shoulders.

The way I see it, you did the right thing, you spoke up on behalf of the DD, you had nothing really to apologise for, you were not the perpetrator, you were the victim if anything, as is DD. You are in fact not responsible.

The basic idea is that a narcissist wants to secure themself against the need to say "OK, I made a mistake, I was wrong". It can be a fate worse than death for some (at the severe end of the spectrum), and so they project the blame - and with you she's really gone to town.

The litmus test for narcissism is avoidance of personal responsibility.