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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about PIL looking after DS

69 replies

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 15:35

I have attatchment issues at the moment so am quite prepared to be told i am being unreasonable but please don't have a go.
The problem is they are much older than my parents, in their 70s, and MIL is virtually blind in one eye but still drives. FIL is almost deaf. They love DS to bits but is it safe or am i being over the top?

OP posts:

RonansMummy · 31/08/2010 15:40

Could you ease in gently with them looking after her? Perhaps leave DS with them while you nip to the shop when visiting them and gradually build up the time and distance?

violethill · 31/08/2010 15:44

If you are unsure of their capability to look after him, then don't leave him. It doesn't have to affect their relationship- just spend time with them when you're there as well. That way you have the responsibility of supervising, while your ds and the PILs get the fun of being together

Original poster

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 15:45

They have looked after him for short periods of time, about 1 hr which i don't mind so much. The problem is that DH wants them to share looking after DS when i return to work, maybe up to 2 days a week (shared with my parents) I'm worried this might be a bit much for them but DH is very keen for them to bond and they would never admit it was too much.

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 31/08/2010 15:46

How old is your DS?

diddl · 31/08/2010 15:48

If you don´t think they are safe then don´t leave him!

Have you seen things that cause you concern?

My ILs were young but really out of touch.

Thought it was OK to give PFB a knife "because he wanted it".

Actually, not sure what being out of touch -has to do with it-has a knife ever been a suitable toy??

violethill · 31/08/2010 15:50

Thats a very different ball game Then, childcare two days a week. Personally I wouldn't leave my children with anyone I had doubts about. Not fair on anyone. Its nonsense that they wont bond unless they're doing that. In fact, arguably it may well be a better relationship all round if they get to see your ds in normal social situations for fun rather than having the major responsibility of being his childminders.

Plumm · 31/08/2010 15:51

Some parents are blind and some are deaf but they manage with children. Could you ask your MIL not to take DS out in the car?

LOL at diddl - I don't think a knife has ever been acceptable!

MmeLindt · 31/08/2010 15:54

Diddl
Depends on the age of the child. In the kindergarten that my DC went to, the DC were given a knife and asked to help chop apples and veg for breakfast. It was obviously not super super sharp, but enough to chop fruit and veg.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 31/08/2010 15:54

How old is your DS? Are they wanting to drive places with him? How exactly are they wanting to look after him?

Would it be possible to take it slowly and have them over to your house to look after DS (in the garden, walk to the park etc) while you do other things? Or could you go somewhere with them where they can entertain DS while you do your own stuff.

YANBU to be anxious about them driving especially if MIL hasn't had a recent opticians check and notified the DVLA.

Original poster

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 15:57

He's 5months at the mo, will be 9 mo when i return to work. I have not seen anything as such just worried. Their ideas seem a bit old fashioned e.g. leave him to cry for a bit, he'll be fine, which I'm not really into. DS isn't a crying baby, if he cries, there's a reason. Have told DH that his mother should not be driving at all! But DH is so keen for them to get there 'fair share' as my parents will do all child care other wise.
I feel very ungrateful as I know we'd be stuffed if we had to pay for child care!

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 31/08/2010 16:02

It is not about fairness, it is about the safety of your DS.

Tbh, if you are getting free childcare then you do have to give the GPs a bit of leeway - not saying leaving him to cry but there may be some things that they do differently that you will have to accept.

Do your parents and your PILs get on ok? Could you say that you are worried about your DS being too much for your PILs and arrange that your Mum takes DS around to see them a couple of times a week.

Don't forget, by the time he is 9 mths old he will beginning to get active and toddlers are extremely tiring.

My PILs are older than my parents and I would not like to leave them wiht a toddler, it is bloody hard work.

wishingchair · 31/08/2010 16:04

You can drive if you're blind in one eye. You need a peripheral vision of something like 110 or 120 degrees and you can have that with one eye.

The issue would be more about their stamina and ability to cope all day with a small child. I once called from a business trip and spoke to my DH who told me that he came down from his nap (he has an illness that is causing a lot of fatigue) and DD2 (2yo at the time) was playing very happily even though MIL was also napping and FIL was asleep on sofa. Penny dropped when I said "so at that point, no one was supervising our 2yo"??? "Errrrm yes" was his reply. Because looking after children is exhausting. My mum is a very active 60yo and I think she'd have reservations about committing to 2 days a week. You've got to look ahead ... it's one thing looking after a placid baby that doesn't cry too much, something different altogether to looking after a climbing, boisterous 2 year old who is into everything.

diddl · 31/08/2010 16:07

MmeLindt-about a yr old!

Original poster

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 16:08

DH doesn't see a problem . I know if/ when i say something that this will cause a rift and as dad he does have as much say as i do over child care.

OP posts:

wishingchair · 31/08/2010 16:08

And also lol at your DH wanting them to get their "fair share". Like your ds is a piece of cake. I think you need to be able to have a very open and honest discussion with them about it and if they really want to give it a go then build up the hours before you go back to work and agree to a trial so they can say no if it is too much. One of the problems of having parents doing the childcare is you may not be happy with how they do things (and this may go for your parents too - just cos you and they are on the same page with your 5 month old doesn't mean you'll see eye to eye on everything as he gets older) and you will find it very difficult to raise issues.

violethill · 31/08/2010 16:08

I agree totally with mmelindt.
It's not about the gps having equal 'shares' of your child! This should be about u looking for the best possible care for your precious child regardless of cost - within reason, obviously not everyone can afford a top rate nanny!
To look at it as 'what's the cheapest option ' is awful. And personally I would find it very unfair to use people in their 70s to run around after a toddler. They wont be getting the pleasure of bonding , they'll have a headful of worries.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 31/08/2010 16:09

I wouldnt leave him with them.

Your sons carers should be the best possible person for the job that you can afford. Its got nothing to do with point scoring or leveling up the contact between the childs extended family.

You DH is being petty. He needs to realise that his parents are quite elderly already and that they probably will not be able to cope very well or even very happily looking after an active baby/toddler. He needs to find other ways to grow the bond between his parents and his son which will not put strain on them or stress you out!

BabyDubsEverywhere · 31/08/2010 16:10

cross post

Original poster

tinky19 · 31/08/2010 16:10

I know it'll be hard for my mum and dad and they're 50 and 60.

OP posts:

diddl · 31/08/2010 16:12

I think 2 full days with a 9month old is quite a lot for anyone.

The fact that your husband wants it "to be fair" is also a worry.

It should be because it´s best for your son and they are capable & want to do it.

Do they want to or would they feel they have to because your parents are?

MmeLindt · 31/08/2010 16:12

Diddl
Ok, I take it back, they are loons. A year old, with a knife.

OP
It is not about you or your DH. Or your respective parents. It is about your son, and the fact that when he is a year old he will be hard work.

I like the idea of doing a trial in the coming months, say once he is 7 or 8 mths. Start with a couple of hours and build up to longer periods of time.

You need to make it clear that if at any time they feel it is too much for them, that they can say so and you will find alternative arrangements.

LucyLouLou · 31/08/2010 16:13

tinky, are you parents willing and able to do all the worktime childcare? If they are, then I think you have a better chance at making your case with your DH than if you would have to pay for childcare otherwise. I can see his perspective, but ultimately it comes down to safety doesn't it? It sounds like your PILs are good people but probably not capable of caring for a baby. Might be slightly different with an older child but if I was in your situation, I would not cave on the grounds of so-called fairness here.

Your DH's perspective and wishes would be perfect if the circumstances were perfect, but they are not. In your situation, I would probably entrust the LO to your parents, and do what MmeLindt suggested, and get your mum to take your DS to your PILs once or twice a week. Sole charge for whole days though? Not really practical or safe is it?

violethill · 31/08/2010 16:15

Well that makes it even clearer. You know it'll be hard for your mum and dad as it is. Yet your view is you either use your over 70s PIL for half the week, or offload onto your own parents even more!!!

Stop thinking about saving money or trying to share your ds out as though he's some object and put HIS need for proper regulated childcare first!

ChippingIn · 31/08/2010 16:16

There's not enough information to say whether you are being unreasonable or not.

Blind people and deaf people look after children and age is only a number - it depends entirely on their ability to do it.

Your DH is being unreasonable though, saying his parents must have 'their fair share' - it's not about being 'fair' it's about making sure the people looking after your baby are up to the job.

How close do your parents and PIL live to each other - would they be OK having DS a 2 or 3 mornings a week then your parents or a childminder picking him up for lunch/the afternoon.

My Mum is in her late 60's - she finds the kids quite hard work, so you'll also need to see how much your parents can handle and don't be suprised if they are looking knackered on the amount they thought they could handle, also, once the baby is mobile they'll be able to manage even less!

TwoPeasOnePod · 31/08/2010 16:16

Hi, i agree with other posters who said if youre not happy with the situation, dont go ahead with it...May cause a bit of upset, but if you cant feel that your baby is safe while you are at work, you will be one sad stressed mummy (I know from experience, had a truly shite childminder who I kicked into touch)
My DP and myself have similar issues; my mum is trusted by me to babysit, overnight too, and she follows my instructions which is important to me (as well as using her own common sense lol) BUT my DP's mum just isn't the person to send my DD to for me; she smokes, upsets every aspect of DDs routine, lets her eat rubbish/stay up WAY past her bedtime/ share a bed when she knows DD won't sleep whatsoever....

All of which leaves me worried, unable to concentrate whilst DD is there, and left to pick up the pieces (snotty overwrought screaming knackered toddler). Simple solution; I have stopped DPs mother having DD overnight, after only two failed attempts. I look like a bit of an arsehole, especially cos my mum is still 'allowed' to babysit, but I feel a lot better for the decision. Good luck ;)

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